Is it just me or is she too controlling?

Hey! I havent been here for a while except for the occasional check in to see how everyone is doing (and everytime I pop in I seem to have just missed "something" big) - I work way too much, play in a band and have a girlfriend who lives an hour or so away so much of my time is spent driving there and back in Boston traffic. My car hates me.

Anyway, my relationship with my g/f recently has my head spinning and I knew that there was only one place I could turn to for some insight - Ageless!

Before I say stuff that makes me sound unhappy with my relationship, I want to first say that I adore my g/f with all my heart and love being with her and feel blessed to have her in my life - btw shes 39 so its still technically an agegap. She's heads up smart, kickass strong and DEAD sexy hot (drools). Not to mention funny, silly, loving and unlike anyone Ive ever met. Did I say hot? We get along so well, everything is so easy between us - I wasnt even that shocked when she asked me to move in after 2 months. :eek:

I told her that it may be too early to do that but there is no reason to think that we wouldnt one day live together - this she took this as a lack of commitment on my part and it bothers her still that I havent moved in yet (its been 4 1/2 months now), even though im there with her more than I am anywhere else.

Then she got the tatoo with my initials in chinese letters on her back. THAT freaked me just a little BUT I never flinched.

Then, this summer, her dad died and I spent alot of time helping out, being there, doing what I could to support her (she had a very rough time as anyone would, the poor thing would cry in her sleep). Then after a while things began to calm a little bit and I started to get back to myself as well - I hadnt been home in a month, hadnt seen family either and hadnt practiced with my band at all during that time.I started to pick up where I left off.
She took this as backing away from her.

This is when she started to resent the other things in my life - my friends, my music, my need for some space to be alone. She became distrustful, doubting my commitment to the relationship, being SURE that Im cheating on her. She doesnt want to meet my friends or my mom or anything to do with my life before I met her. I could do a hundred things in a day to show I am devoted to her and care about her and do one thing that has to do with friends or family or myself and she will obsess and worry about it. Its to the point where I never sleep at home anymore, drive an hour and a half to work and back to her house everyday so I dont worry her about me living in my "double life" as she calls it.

So, in short - am I immature, afraid of commiting, sneaky or dishonest by wanting to have a relationship with her AND to keep part of my life before we met? Or is she just controlling? IS there a way I can have both? Am I wanting to much?

Ive just neglected everything in my life to make her happy and its still not enough. Its frustrating because I know if I have to choose, either way, i will be unhappy. I hope it doesnt come to that.

Thanks for reading,
John

John,

In my honest opinion, you have tried to make her happy, but it does seem like she is trying to control you a tad bit too much.

You have to make yourself happy in order to make someone else happy.

I've learned in my life that my friends and family have been with me thru many of my "rough spots" (aka - bad decisions I've made) and that anyone who i'm involved with, needs to meet my friends and family and accept them, for without them, i truly am nothing. I need the support of my family and friends.

Plus a very wise friend of mine said once, Two people cannot live 1 life - each person needs their own interests and activities, and while you can share them with the other person, personal time is something that we all need.

Just my opinion

wishing you the best of luck


Denise

Hi John. Well, sounds to me like the death of her father has brought to the surface all her worries and insecurities about the future. She has seen first hand how uncertain life is, and she is wanting to know for sure that you two have a future together. And that if you do, why not get on with it? I guess she is uncertain of your long-term motivation. I mean, is this just a fun relationship for you, for "however long love lasts"? Or do you have serious intentions down the road (marriage)? I think she feels that 4 months is long enough for you to have made up your mind where the two of you are going. The fact that you don't want to live with her leads her to believe that you don't love her as much as she loves you, and that you are not "serious" about her. She feels the passing of time and human mortality, and wants as much reassurance as anyone can have that you are going to be there in her future.

However....I do find it strange that she doesn't want to be a part of your life as far as your friends and your mom, etc. That just sounds wierd to me. No one should ask you to give up your life for them, they should be able to embrace you and those you care about. (The only way I would say otherwise would be if the person's friends were into drugs or were alcoholics or into some lifestyle I didn't approve of. And in that case, I wouldn't be involved with that person in the first place.) Given that, I don't find it odd that you haven't chosen to live with her. Sounds like she may have some control issues. Have you guys talked about all this stuff? CAN you talk about it? Maybe some counseling is in order?

I am 36 and lost my father in February. It sure is a horrible thing to get over. It takes most definately more than a few months. Your relationship is relatively new, though you have put a lot of time in it, and all of these changes (death, new relationship, and whatever might be going on) are likely really wreaking havoc on her life.

Share your kind, well-thought out words here with her. Hopefully, she will see that a relationship needs a bit of space and consideration to be healthy and grow.

Hi John,
It sounds like you adore her and want everything for her, and you want it the right way with her. I think that she is growing dependent on you and maybe you are enabling this to happen by giving into her all the time. Maybe there is a compromise you can make with her so that it is fair to both of you.

I know when my mother passed away I attached myself so tight to my ex that I know I must have been suffocating him, when I look back now. He put his foot down and left me crying at times as I begged him not to leave me. But, this I would thank him for now, he made me independent and able to deal with situations on my own. It was tough and hard to go through. I blamed him and accused him of everything I could just to get the reassurance I needed from him.

Is there any way you can both look for a new place maybe half way? First of all it would take months to find something you would both like, and during the process it will show her that you do want this relationship to grow.

Wow, sounds like a lot is going on here.
Everyone has made some very good points already so I really dont have anything to add to what has already been said .
. I am stuck at the part where you say your girlfriend wants nothing to do with your family or friends. Has she given you any reason ?
Has she met your parents or friends? Could she be feeling they didnt like her if she has met them already or that they wouldnt like her....if she hasnt met them???

Hey John! I remember you! You're such a sweetheart!:)

I read this thread to Robin, and he is telling me what to say! LOL I AM the Queen of Control, and it took five years for Robin to dethrone me! LOL

Robin says, you need to ask her why she loves you. Then, state to her that the things you have in your life make you that person she fell in love with. That's WHO YOU ARE, and why would she want to change that? It's HER issue, not yours. She is very controlling. She needs counseling. If she doesn't back off, she'll lose you. She needs to know that.

When I had issues with Robin, like his semi-annual campouts with his friends, he always invited me to JUST SHOW UP! Witness him in action! SEE what he really does! He told me to do whatever I needed to do, to get comfortable and believe that he wouldn't cheat on me. He wouldn't be bothered a bit. He WANTED me to do that, so I could really see for myself what kind of a guy he was.

I did meet all of his friends, I did show up at the campouts, and guess what? It DID make me feel better. She needs to do that too. She needs to be a part of this "other life" that you have. Once she is, she'll feel accepted and comfortable. To expect you to drop your whole life and become her butler is intolerable.

Listen up, John. I think I know what's going on here. A couple other people have mentioned this, but it bears repeating: Death can throw you for a loop.

When my father died, I was 21 years old. To this day I'm glad that I didn't have a boyfriend at that time, because I would've been impossible to live with. For about a year after his death, I was driven by a deep need to get pregnant ASAP and have a child, so I could carry on the family line. (I have no brothers or sisters, and the pressure I put on myself was enormous.)

Fortunately I figured out that this was a psychological reaction to my father's death and that I definitely wasn't ready to have a child yet. However, to this day I'm positive that if I had a boyfriend at that time, it would've been way too easy for me to just "forget" my birth control pills for a couple months while I shanghai'd him right up to the altar.

I probably would have been demanding all the things your girlfriend seems to be demanding of you. Right now, her subconscious is probably locked into "family expansion" mode: grab boyfriend, extract commitment, add sex and stir.

Mortality is terrifying, and one of the most basic ways we can combat it is to pass on our genes to the next generation. Whether she understands it or not, this is probably what's happening in your lady's mind. You will need to be very, very patient with her. This is an extremely difficult psychological drive to suppress. I know, because sans boyfriend or not, I almost didn't make it. Suddenly bars and one-night stands started looking attractive. It was not a good scene.

This might very well be something that drives you two apart, because sadly that often happens between new couples after one of them has suffered a loss. But if you can manage to work through it together, you will have passed a great test of your relationship.

I wish you and your lady all the best.

Originally posted by Trish
John it's so great to see you!!

I'm really sorry that you're going through this because you are a wonderful guy who deserves nothing but happiness. It seems like your girlfriend doesn't know you very well, or she'd know what a special person you are.

You kind of sacrificed quite a bit for this woman in such a short amount of time. It isn't healthy that she's requiring so much of you in such a new relationship. She appears very insecure, and it seems that she was this way even before her father's death.

There may be things/experiences in her life that have caused to have a lot of fears in a relationship, but it's unfair for her to carry that baggage into her relationship with you.

You should talk to her and explain how you feel. Maybe she'll realize that her fears are ungrounded. She really sounds like she needs some counseling, not only to help with the grief of her father's death, but for other issues as well.

Someone said that if this continues you'll start to resent her, and I agree. When two people come together as a couple, they have to blend their separate lives, and there are times when compromising is necessary. But giving up your entire life isn't a compromise. That's too much for anyone to expect. I remember how close you are to your mom. I think if your girlfriend isn't even willing to meet your family and friends, you might want to rethink the relationship.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable by not wanting to move in with her after only four and a half months. And if someone were to tattoo my initials on their body after only a few months, I'd freak out.....that seems a little obsessive to me.

I hope everything works out the way you want them to, John. You've always been one of my favorite people here at Ageless.

Once again, Trish took the words right outta my mouth. :p

Welcome back, John. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. I hope that things will get better soon. I hope that you are able to convey to her just exactly how you're feeling about all this like you have been able to share with us today.

I'll be thinking of you and hope that you'll come back here more often. We miss you.

John,
When my best gf lost her father, she basically became just like your gf.....we all (her friends) put it down to `hypersensitivity to male abandonment'. Since she was only 23 at the time, it took her a while to understand where all these feelings were coming from, and to stop making unreasonable demands on her partner. But she did come through. The problem was not the grief, not the fear of experiencing yet more loss, but the way she was dealing with the feelings (ie having jealous rages and being too possessive). Chis tells me ittook her about 5 years to stop feeling the grief and the fear of losing close mae figures. But she did learn to act more reasonably in the meantime.

Just throwing in my two cents here without having read in total all of the replies yet. I think she sounds, not so much controlling, as selfish and insecure. And I don't think the death of her father is the driving force behind that. From reading your post, it seems there were a couple of red flags before the death of her father. I would take things slowly and definitely have a talk with her about how you feel.

But if anyone were to expect me to forego my friends and family for them, I would consider that a major problem. Not gonna happen here. No one should ask that of another person.

I lost my momma when i was 28 and i too wanted to have a baby immediately. i was trying to fill a hole that couldn't of been filled. i was married at the time with a 1 year old. suddenly everything came crashing down and i became very obsessive with my loved ones. i saw a counselor at the behavioral health center here in town and i got much better much faster than i KNOW i would have without the counseling.

there is no wrong or right way to grieve. but i do understand about the obsessive part. you just don't want to go thru and don't feel like you could live thru losing another person precious to you. it's an almost overwhelming fear at times.

i would so encourage you to talk to her, try to encourage her to see a counselor. that's what they are there for. that's why they took the time to learn to become counselors...to help people. because they WANT to help. remind her of that. there is no weakness is grief. grief is affirmation of life.

i really hope that things work out for the best for both of you. that you both receive what you need.

sending my best,

Tracy

John, I have read many of your posts on this board before, and I Know you are a good guy. Sort things out, do one day at a time, My opinion is, she is clingy and is moving too fast.

hugzzzz~Tammy

She was out there when she got the tattoo and when she expected you to move in after 2 months...come on, who does that???...you could have been a pyscho.

And not to have anything to do with your family and friends, you know you both just killed your chances of being liked by them, don't you? No mother wants to like the g/f of her son who takes him away from a big part of his life...that is totally selfish, which goes to show...you can be beautiful, intelligent and so hot as you put it and not have any common sense.

Hmmm...this is sounds a bit too fatal attraction, don't you think.

And you're not helping by catering to her every whim...because now when you do back away from her, she's going to cry non committment/cheating/dishonesty and to blame it on her dad's passing...well, I agree with everyone else...she needs counseling to deal with her grief. You get back to your life before you lose those very friends who supported you when you weren't in a relationship and to a mom who deserves to be better treated as a last minute appointment you forgot to cancel. its not fair, you should be accepted as you are, this woman for all her beauty...etc...is not too bright. I lost my mother when i was 17, and I have always hoped that I will have a good relationship with the mother of my b/f...husband, because I miss having a mom, and I'm sure your mom would've wanted to love her son's g/f...the woman who is making him happy.

Paris

After reading all the replies here and realizing that they ALL seem to be making good points, I think that your girlfriend does have some major issues she is refusing to deal with. She does seem to blame you for not dedicating 100% of your time to the relationship. She really needs to get some counseling to deal with her insecurity so that she will stop expecting you to fill all the holes in her life. You need to step back and let her get herself together so that you guys can have a healthy romantic life together.

A guy on another age gap board that I belong to was having the same problem with his older girlfriend. Her control issue was all-consuming and eventually destroyed the relationship. He finally got the courage to break away from her last year. He has been much happier since then.

Good luck, John!

well, im late-as usual-getting in here...but for the most part agree with the replies. Do u know about her past relationships? Was she treated fairly, lovingly....most insecurities come about becuz we have been in situations that cause FEAR....if u can get to the ROOT of what her fear is...that could help. She definitely is asking u to fill an emptiness....no ONE person can do that for any of us. As much as u may TRY to and even WANT to out of love for her....my guess is that, right now, it wont be enuff until you have given up everything in your life for her....probably even then it wouldnt fill that space she has. Time itself can help dispell trust issues...but you have to go on with your own life while continuing to tell her that she is a priority and that you do love her. If that is not enuff for now....she may have to work through those things on her own. It's hard when people we love cannot feel, trust, or see the love offered to them:( All people need space and personal time to grow....the best relationships I know of are when the two involved DO have different interests, hobbies, passions, friends....and can come together then to share those unique and exciting things with the one they love the most.....as well as the things they DO have in common with one another. Goodluck John...keep us posted=)

It seems that your girlfriend is moving a hundred miles an hour on the highway of love, and you are moving a sensible 35. Can you slow this lady down a bit? I know that tattooing my body with someone's name whom I'd been involved with for less than five months would feel wrong to me. She is moving way too fast and she is trying to make sure that you are moving at her speed. But I wonder what type of emotional agenda she has? She sounds needy. Yes, I know you can take that as rude, but I just don't know how else to say it.

My suggestions are as follows:
Lay down the law--no more demands to move too fast. Along with that, give some reassurances that you are still interested in her. Don't let her control the pace of the game, slow and steady is a winner. Let me ask, how much do you know about her past bf's/hubby's? She may be using your relationship with her as a bandaid to ease some past relationship pain. If you want her lasting love, slow it down and make sure you keep the lines of communication open.

Whoa dude, I read your post and I never make logical sense or think too much, but I rely on gut feelings.

I think that you are like totally in love with her and will not leave her, that is not an option you brought up yourself. I think though you are crushed because nothing you do ever seems good enough for her. She doesn't seem to appreciate all the sacrifices you have made for her.

I personally for religious reasons don't believe in living together before marriage (been there, done that before I became a born-again Christian). I'll leave out though the religious reasons why and say that living together is much like a marriage without the legal paper commitment. Sure, if you do it long enough, you can sue and get half the property but in reality, you can leave easier.
I remember how I felt when my situation did not work, it felt in my heart like a marriage breaking up, it really sucked. You are tied in with her and it will crush you too if it doesn't work out so you might as well give it a good ol' college try.

It sounds like you have lost a piece of yourself and you wonder when you will get it back. Well, just TAKE IT. TAKE IT BACK. If you want, take it in INCRIMENTS. How do you eat an elephant? A little bite at a time. You need to find a way to feel like yourself. Trust me, this woman will not run from you! She may not like it, but she will have to adjust since she obviously is attached to you.

I think it personally is cute she got a tatoo of your name on herself but yeah, I can see how that would freak a young dude out like yourself.

I am having a little romance with an Australian dude who is 10 years and 2 months younger than me (only over internet). He and I have the same traditional religious view yet have an edge to us, I have yet to meet anyone like him in my life anyway. I am a controlling evil woman and like to dominate everything...and I am very impatient. I sometimes think that God had me here and him there so that I might CALM DOWN and to SLOW ME DOWN. My younger dude is such a poor communicator and I am such a dumb@$$ listening that I thought he did not want a relationship and I shined his attention onlnie for months and months (we have been corresponding for a little more than a year). Well, finally he had to hit me upside the head to see that he was truly interested.

And now he probably bit off more than he can chew, I am making plans to fly out to Oz so that I can boss him and mess up his life to accomodate me (like convince him to move to Silicon Valley).

The difference though I can see with your sweet (I get a feeling she is very sweet) OW and me is that I am AWARE I have this issue...I WANT TO DOMINATE and RULE. I felt a year ago I had no right though to ask a dude to move across the ocean to here and marry my bossy butt (we discuss marriage but as a "what if" thing...and we have issues to get past). He has alluded though since then from time to time that if we were to tie the knot, he knows he would probably be the one to move.

I think deep down many men want to BE THE ONE IN CONTROL. You may have some of that deep down. You want a strong woman to inspire you to be a strong man. My YM has said as much in his own way. see if that is true for you.

Let your mojo out. It could be fun. And romantic.

I never make sense so I will stop here. I also talked too much about myself and not enough about you so I will zip it till you post again.

Good luck to you both. You sound like you really love her and she loves you.

LOL powerpuff girl.... your post made me smile quite few times.

I want to be the president of the whole world, myself. I figure its the only way I'm going to get the two day working week officially recognised (see, if I'm only the prime minister of Australia, it won't work because our economy won't be competetive. So basically I have to rule the world)

What are your plans with all that power?:)

Don't worry powerpuff. Something I learned in the BDSM forums as an avid reader is that many people DO have power orientations in relationships, and its not gender specific.

Some very seemingly `macho' guys are really much more comfortable emotionally in a more submissive role in their relationship, and some women do better being dominant. The BDSM community have a basic criticism of what they call `vanilla' relationships....which is that the power orientation of individuals is not properly acknowledged, let alone openly discussed and negotiated (as happens in bdsm relationships).

Hence a lot of guys who are basically submissive in nature, feel deeply satisfied witha stronger woman, but also feel guilt about this. When in fact pschologically they are more fullfilled in this role.

I can't speak for the people here, but in many a BDSM forum, you would be pariased for being honest about your power orientation....for even admitting to it, for many people don't htink about these things......and you woudl be encouraged to pursue men who are submissive (and i don't mean weak, dorky, or any of thE stereotypes about male submission....I also include strong, intellignet and assertive guys in this category who prefer dominant women)

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond - I've
tried a few times to get on here to at least say thank
you for all the replies but I couldn't sign in (I've
only been able to get online using AOL and when I do,
I can't login to the site). So THANK YOU for all your
advice and opinions and for talking about similiar
experiences - it helped so much (Polly I have to say
that alot of the things my g/f does makes me think of
your posts from way back about being insecure in your
relationship - its SPOOKY!) Also thank you for the
welcome backs (you remember me!!) Especially Trish -
my favorite Rhode Islander! (We've got the New England
bias thing going on.)

Even though I didn't go as far as showing my g/f the
thread, I HAVE applied alot of what you all said to
how I've gone about working things out with her and
things have gotten alot better.

I know this is short but Im late for work! I will write more later on but I wanted to say thank you to you all. Youve helped me immeasurably.

See ya,
John

John I hope things work out. I was in a situation where things happened and my head was spinning... is it my fault, no it's her fauld, did I say the wrong things, what did I do...Just keep on truckin'.http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/images/icons/icon14.gif