financial gap

I have been dating an attractive OW (64) who owns a beautiful home overlooking a bay and also a winter home in California with a swimming pool. Has two cars and is set for life. Unfortunately my portfolio is rather meager after a divorace and a salary in the middle range. I thought that status wouldn't bother me but lately it has.

I'm not sure how far this relationship will go but her lifestyle and taste is something that has been bothering me. I know money and status shouldn't matter but being involved with somebody who has alot more than me is new to me..any advice??

Well.. this can definitely be a problem, waxer... if you let it be a problem. Financial disparity can occur in any relationship, whether there is an age gap or not.

But, I guess the question is... WHY does it bother you? Is it that old addage that men should be the bread winner? Or is it that you just want to have more control over the relationship? Or maybe someone might think you're only with her for her money (as in a gold digger)? Just curious.

And the answers to your question will mean a lot to me, because I've been divorced twice and was the bread winner in both relationships and I think a lot of resentments came from the 'whys and wherefores' of the financial disparity. So, I'm really curious...

Why does it bug you?

Right now, for me... I'm doing okay. Gotta house, car, job and am settling myself fairly decently ~ not rich, but not poor either, you know? My YM is JUST starting out in life and man, I'd love to know your feelings behind why this is a problem! I figure, honestly, that if YM and I marry someday and stay together, by the time I retire, he'll be plugging along at the peak of his career and then everything will even out ~ so what's the big deal?

~phosphorescent

Hey waxer,

I checked your age and you are a baby boomer and men of our generation were supposed to be the bread winner. Women of our generation were supposed to be superwoman! Yes, we were the new women's lib, great homemakers and moms, supposed to have a career and be sexy too... So I understand, being of your generation, how you are feeling. You are in your early 50's yourself and YOU are supposed to be just as successful as your OW, if not more so.

I think you have to decide if you are the kind of guy that can just let go of those old and now outdated ideas of our generation. Our parents tried to put us all into the mold of the American Dream, you know? Some of us it worked out for; others of us have had a bumpier time.

I'm a manager at a Fortune 100 company. My bf is in college. I figure I'll help him along now and when he gets his degree and a job, he can help me along if I need it. Relationships go both ways in support sometimes, financially and emotionally.

Only you can decide what you can live with, you know? I think its not a bad thing that it concerns you that she's more successful than you. It means you are not a moocher. That says alot about your esteem and your sense of responsibility. Since you are 50 something that's obviously a good thing!

I hope what I've said here helps you in some way. Good luck to you and enjoy what you have with your OW. Life is too short, you know?

Evening Gang,
For the way I see a finacial differ.For it wouldn't be a problem for me....even if millionian and I was to marry.
For it would be her money,and her's only....for she worked for it,for she earned it.If she wanted me enjoy some of it....that would be cool.Even with that...I would still have to get aleast a part-time job.For using her money as"mad money"....It just wouldn't feel right to me.
For money can not....
"buy"happiness.For ture happiness only happens when one is turely in love.For love must be earned....


The Shadow

money doesn't equal love
love doesn't equal money
which would you rather be w/o?

if you were her, would you want her to feel hinky?
treat her right, love her, support her. no matter the amount of money she's still your lady. she still needs A MAN. no matter how much money he makes. she'll brag to her friends about how you treat her, not what you can buy her.

wow, waxer..I think you're really lucky to be in this position. So many relationship conflicts are because of lack of finances or prospects.....but in your case all that worry is not an issue. You will have two beautiful environments to spend your time in as the seasons change, and a lovely lady to be with. She must be pretty accomplished lady.

Originally posted by Bella_D
wow, waxer..I think you're really lucky to be in this position. So many relationship conflicts are because of lack of finances or prospects.....but in your case all that worry is not an issue. You will have two beautiful environments to spend your time in as the seasons change, and a lovely lady to be with. She must be pretty accomplished lady.

Excellent response, Bella_D.

waxer, I got a late start in life (late to start and finish college, late to start a real career, etc.). I don't own a home and I was just getting into a position to pay off my debts. I was finally making enough money so that I didn't have to worry about or count my pennies to buy things like expensive concert tickets, my favorite expensive skin care products, or go on a weekend trip to the coast or mountains. And what happened? I met a YM that was just out of college. (Now add to this scenario that I've always been with men who were old-fashioned about paying for dinner and trips and other stuff.) Things are on the upswing financially (he just got a good job 2 days ago :) ) but we've been struggling and my bills are 2 months behind. Not to mention that I haven't been able to buy my skin cream for 2 months! *laugh*

There is a certain reality surrounding money: we all need it to live in this world. But as greeneyedgirl said:

money doesn't equal love
love doesn't equal money
which would you rather be w/o?


I still get stressed out about not having money to go buy Lyle Lovett tickets for later this month and not being able to go have a bikini wax, or little things like may the PG&E bill. But like some of the other differences in our lives, I try to put everything in perspective. We get along great the vast majority of the time and have fun together. And when it comes to basic fundamental beliefs, we're right on the money about most of them (no pun intended).

So, if the other stuff is good, this one will work itself out.

Thanks for all of the advice..that's why I come in here. Your right in that I should simply enjoy her for what she is and not by how much more she has then me. Plus I'm sure some guys are thinking what's wrong with you waxer...your having a relationship with an older rich lady and your worrying about it??? I guess I have been the bread winner in the past and this is new to me is all.

Believe me I do pickup the tab when we go out, hold the door for her and bring her flowers. But the other night I watched "Sunset Blvd" with William Holden and Gloria Swanson,.where he's this struggling young writer who falls in with a fading rich movie actress...with an unfortunate ending. Lights, camera..action!...I like the first part better.

waxer in love