Did he never really love me? follow-up

Well it's been several weeks now and I have still not heard back from my YM after lying about my age. The problem now is I can't seem to move forward at all, just spent the weekend in tears yet again and it's getting crazy. I should be over it by now. The problem has turned into one of self-esteem I think. Because he seemingly dismissed me so easily I find myself thinking what does this make me worth! Then I get really depressed. Of course because of the distant nature of the last conversations (emails!) I torment myself with how he really feels. He said the age gap was too much plus the distance and his job prospects but I'm left feeling he now thinks of me with revulsion as some wrinkled old hag, if he even thinks of me at all! And this makes me feel terrible, especially as he was no great catch himself! Occasionally I feel stronger and know this is not how it is but it is so easy to sink into despair just now.

Sara I read your thread re your YM wanting children and really feel for you here. In a way I see it as similar to my situation. Although he didn't have any burning desire to have kids, he obviously got very hung up on potential problems with our age gap. He did love me - in my heart I know that - but couldn't see past possible problems in the future. This is SO hard - wouldn't be quite so bad I don't think if the love had died naturally over time, or he or you had behaved badly, but instead you both love each other but want to do the right thing. I am thinking of you and hope everything works out for you.

I am so sorry that you are still hurting. You said that you should be over it by now. However, it takes more than a few weeks to grieve a loss.

You stated that He had also never told his parents. This leads me to believe that he already had problems with the perceived age-gap and this was either too much or he was looking for an out.

Whether he comes back or not, please start treating yourself better. No more negative self talk. And if you are over the hill at 40-something, then I must be dead at almost 58 :p and Sweetie I ain't dead!

Do you have some girlfriends that you can be with? There are also some books about the breakup of a relationship that will help you move forward.

All of us have had dreams go up in smoke, but that doesn't mean life is over. You are still a worthwhile person with love to give a worthwhile guy. Things will be better with time... just quit putting yourself down. OK?
Hugs,
Barbara

what a bummer, have you tried having a beer?

Originally posted by Manda
Well it's been several weeks now and I have still not heard back from my YM after lying about my age. The problem now is I can't seem to move forward at all, just spent the weekend in tears yet again and it's getting crazy. I should be over it by now. The problem has turned into one of self-esteem I think. Because he seemingly dismissed me so easily I find myself thinking what does this make me worth! Then I get really depressed. Of course because of the distant nature of the last conversations (emails!) I torment myself with how he really feels. He said the age gap was too much plus the distance and his job prospects but I'm left feeling he now thinks of me with revulsion as some wrinkled old hag, if he even thinks of me at all! And this makes me feel terrible, especially as he was no great catch himself! Occasionally I feel stronger and know this is not how it is but it is so easy to sink into despair just now.

Sara I read your thread re your YM wanting children and really feel for you here. In a way I see it as similar to my situation. Although he didn't have any burning desire to have kids, he obviously got very hung up on potential problems with our age gap. He did love me - in my heart I know that - but couldn't see past possible problems in the future. This is SO hard - wouldn't be quite so bad I don't think if the love had died naturally over time, or he or you had behaved badly, but instead you both love each other but want to do the right thing. I am thinking of you and hope everything works out for you.

Thank you so much Manda, and I am thinking of you too. I too am having a hard time moving on. I'm taking one day at a time. Compound the fact I've had the flu since the day after. I've ran a high fever for 4 nights straight, I've been having to lie around a lot. Not good at this time. I think of lost dreams we had, and just get sick. I have tried to make myself not dwell on these things as I know it is not healthy. I think what compounds this breakup more than others is...the fact that I do believe we were truely soul mates. He and I talked about it on several occassions how we felt the other one deep in our heart like it had become one. I don't believe I have ever had that deep a love before. Thought I did...but in comparision, NO. Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and move on.
I do feel for you and will include you in my prayers. I am going to work on me now and become stronger for this. BTW the next time I see him out and about, I'm going to be so strong and look so good he's gonna regret it. LOL :D

Originally posted by hrdpinkie
what a bummer, have you tried having a beer?

howard seemed to have stirred up all his compassion, support and insight for this reply http://www.animationer.dk/4/m/mand.gif

Hi Dragonfly - you are right and I know this really but my emotions seem to be on spin cycle right now! It is only a month which is not a long time - just seems like so much longer!

Because we never had proper closure I just don't know what the real issue was here. But knowing him as I do, it could well be that he felt unable to cope with all the issues happening at once and that my lie tipped the scales. I think too that he has lashed out in a sense and ended it partly because he didn't know what else to do at the time. (He did check many times that day for a reply from me which seems strange given the content of his email.)

And yes, he has dealt badly with this and that is why I haven't been back in touch (although I have been tempted sometimes) but believe me he may well be convincing himself I should have replied! If he can ever see past these issues, whether we are just talking age here or not, (especially as some of them resolve themselves in time) he needs to be the one to grasp the nettle and renew contact. He may well be too stubborn to do this or too afraid of my reaction or just think he's left things too late but I do believe he will want to - perhaps even wants to now. And if he can be so pigheaded about not doing so, then it's not worth it - he will have lost out! not sure if this makes sense but that's where I stand at the moment - could all change tomorrow of course the way I am right now! So I know I need to relax, move on and deal with whatever happens.

Dragonfly: you're an Einstein.

Manda: your posts SHOWS that you are already on the mend.
you're not bitter, you're not unrealistic, you're not seeing things thru rose-colored glasses.
you're a smart lady....def. his loss.

sending you strength !!!!

Trace

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It's awful when our partners deprive us of the opportunity to have some closure. It makes us feel weak and vulnerable and doubt ourselves just like you are doing.

It's not fair that he bailed on you. So, continue to post here and vent to us anytime.


((( BIG HUGS )))

Hey mandy damn our problem is kind of similar but its kind of on the other end and she lives near me. I really feel bad for you because I also felt like that. Im the younger man and she's the older woman. I just like her soooo much but she has a fiancee and my whole family is against this. I'm 18 and she's 32. I know it feels bad but hang in there! Be positive!

Oh closure ~

I've not often had the luxury of having closure in my life. I've always wanted it and can't remember getting it.

Recently I ended a friendship with a female friend and had the opportunity to get the closure I so desperately wanted. When the opportunity presented itself, I didn't grab it, which is quite unlike me.

Why not?

I realized that I was ending the friendship because we were not kindred spirits. If we couldn't understand each other enough to maintain the friendship, I knew we would not understand each other enough to get the closure that I thought I needed. For me, closure is not about expressing my thoughts again - I expressed them during the friendship/relationship. It's about knowing the other person "gets it".....and if the relationship is ending, why would I think they would "get it". If they "got it" then the relationship would be continuing.

Maybe I am all screwed up about this "closure" thing....it's my opinion that closure doesn't come from interacting with another person....

It comes from looking deep inside myself...one of those painful emotional/personal inventories. I end up having one of those ephiphanies...some self knowledge/growth...that allows me to let go of the pain. I have learned over time that my pain usually is an idicator of my unwillingness to change. I have also learned that my unwillingness to change is not about changing somebody else, but making changes in myself.

The need for closure with others has lost its importance in my life. I still have the need for closure within myself....and that only comes when I am ready for the pain of "letting go".

I'ts so difficult and painful....please consider yourself hugged by me as you go through this process.

With a hug,

Pam

Egads Sally.....

I am quite honored by your words.

I have often thought that after I've read *Y*O*U*R* posts.

I call it "Survival Wisdom".....it's the knowledge we apply in our lives after just surviving on the way to thriving.

Can't learn it in a book, can't hear about it on the 'net or in some lecture....

You only learn it by living.

With a smile,

Pam

they fall in and out of love quickly. I know it doesn't help now, but later when the tears subside it may. Just know that you really can move on, it just takes some effort on your part, and some emotional distance. If I did it last year anyone can!

YM possibly do fall in and out of love quickly but mine didn't. It took several months for us to fall deeply in love and i know he is still there - is just too damn pigheaded to do anything about it. It was 2 years before he got over his last ex. He loves for a LONG time but is being sulky, stubborn and playing the hard-done-by victim because so many things in his life just now just aren't perfect enough. He was there a year and a half ago too - a couple of major problems and he felt his whole life might as well be going down the toilet, questioned everything and was very negative (I worried then he was actually suffering from depression). I've no doubt it'll be the same now but worse as before I was there to help.

Well I guess reality sinks in eventually. I have now come to the conclusion that, despite everything I believed, he never could have loved me. I know we have said in the posts here that circumstances sometimes get in the way rather than people, that he has cut off his nose to spite his face, that he loved me but couldn't deal with all the issues....but it just seems so black and white to me now. If he'd loved me, after the initial shock at least the age wouldn't have made a difference. His last email to me was very deliberate and straightforward and left no way back in for me at all. He said things like -
- the age gap is just too much,
- if this makes me a small, narrow minded person then i guess I am,
- I don't hate you and never will (??)
- I can't help how I feel and I can't see this working.

I couldn't handle the fact that he didn't love me as I was so sure he did. And love is an absolute - like you can't be a little bit pregnant, you can't be a little bit in love. And I was utterly convinced of his feelings for over 2 years because of what he said and how he acted. But I MUST have been wrong and this feels worse than anything. I know he doesn't hate me of course but he must have viewed me with contempt to dismiss me so easily - thrown away like a used Kleenex. Can't believe I was so suckered. Well at the very least I can stop over-analysing everything to death now.

Thanks for your feedback - it did make me feel better.

Manda, Im sorry your hurting right now . I have read over the posts and I was just wondering..... did you two meet on the internet? Did you ever get together in person ? If so, more than once? Just curious since I dont see anything about it although I could have missed it.

Charo - no we met while he was doing fieldwork for his studies. We knew he would be returning to university a couple of months later but decided to keep seeing each other. Since then (2 and a half years ago) we have seen each other every 5-6 weeks for anything from 4-10 days at a time and it grew more and more serious. So it was not ideal but he was trying to find work beside me (he will be finishing his thesis in the next few weeks). This was causing problems as there are few jobs in his field and he had financed his own studies for 8 years so I had made him promise to apply for the right jobs wherever they were as I didn't want him to take any job just to be beside me. This added to the numerous pressures he was under obviously but I believed we could have worked things out IF he had cared enough to try.

Im stumped here Manda . This guy was in a relationship with you and saw you IN PERSON for over 2 years. You apparently looked good to him and he was able to accept the fact you were older then, so to me it isnt the age that he is not able to deal with. It could be the fact you lied to him. He probably thought he really knew you and possibly when you told him your real age, he took it like his relationship with you had been a lie all along and he couldnt believe or ever be able to trust you again. But to just break it off and not want to talk it over like that says he has super issues and puts an X on someone who hasnt been honest with him. Is it possible he just used it as an excuse to break things off and was ready to call it quits anyway but just didnt know how to do it until this came along and gave him the excuse? Just asking.
Still, to be honest I lied to my y/m at first, and then when things got serious I broke down and told him the truth but in my case I was the one feeling the age gap was way too much and he wasnt. So I told him it was even greater than he thought LOL His reply was..... its ok I can live with that, so big deal your 5 years older than you said, but why did you lie to me? We talked and he understood and that was that.
In your case there seems to be more going on than the age with this guy. How were things up until he found out the truth? Maybe hes the super sensitive type, maybe he is hurt , maybe he has been lied to in the past and this was a big blow to him to find out someone he loved and trusted could lie to him, and this is an uncrossable line for him to accept or get over. I really dont know.
I dont know if you have talked to him since, but just for my own benefit, if it were me, I think I would get in touch with him, maybe a letter would be best, and just lay it all out. Let him know how you feel about him, why you lied, etc. is the age REALLY the problem, and would he at least talk about things with you.
What can it hurt? Again, I know this has been a real blow to you, and I wish I could be of more help. I do like the letter idea though lol could be wrong but I like it anyway.