New here and new to ym relationship -confused/help!!

Hi everyone. I have been reading your forums and finally am putting myself out there. Just divorced from a very mean controlling jerk, I met a man 9 years younger, Iam 39 he is 30. I met him when he volunteered to be a "big brother" to my son,. He is precious. I am not use to the respect and gentleness he gives me. The confusion is ,he wants a child. He even has a name picked out. He has always dreamed of being the father he never had. My tubes are tied and am not sure after 4 kids I want anymore. When I try and walk away and let him chase his dream he says he doesnt want a child anymore if it means loosing us. But I feel like over time he will regret this and leave later after me and my kids have completely fallen in love with him. He still lives with his mother and sister who are hispanic and they hate that he is dating a older woman with kids and they give him a real hard time. Should I stay or go. When I think of leaving I feel like my heart will never be able to love again. HElP!!!

First off, Welcome to the Board!

You don't really have a large age gap so that shouldn't present a big obstacle in your relationship. But the children issue has been discussed in this forum quite a bit and that is a tough situation. For some of us it is tougher than others because we are older than you and even the option of adoption is not appealing. But you are still young enough that you could adopt a child with this young man if he were agreeable to that. And you also have options open to have his child; e.g. invitro or surrogacy.

Also, since you have four children, it is possible that he would be perfectly happy raising and being a surrogate father to your children.

Here's my take on it. Anytime you enter into any relationship regardless of age, you are taking a chance of everything falling into place. There are no guarantees in any relationship. If you and this YM have an attraction to each other, then go with the flow. If it starts getting serious, then I suggest that the two of you sit down and discuss the issues that you feel could be detrimental to the relationship.

There are no guarantees to him either if he were to get with a younger woman because there are a lot of woman who have had no alterations and still can't conceive children.

Follow your heart and go with it. And remember: The turtle never gets anywhere without sticking its neck out!! :D

Good luck and let us know how it's going.

Thank you for you advice. You are so right!! I wil stick my neck out!! I am sooo scared to get hurt again but here goes.........

I agree with Peachy.

I am in a similar situation in regards to children....although my y/m is quite a bit younger than yours. He also says that while he would like to have a child, he would rather have me. And he's a grown-up, and I have to respect that decision. HE knows what is in his heart and what is best for him, and I really don't have the right to make those sort of decisions for him. I wouldn't want someone to make them for me....It's not fair. Same with you.....((hugs))

As Peachy mentioned, there are other alternatives available if at some point you do decide you might like another child, and those are all things we have also taken into consideration. And sometimes a doubt does go through my mind that maybe he will change his mind later, but there is also a chance (a greater chance, I believe) that he won't change his mind. Do I want to throw away a relationship that makes me feel wanted and loved and special on the chance that he might change his mind about it all later? Nope. I don't think you do either.... ((hugs))

Just enjoy the relationship...He sounds like a wonderful man, and you make each other happy. Let him deal with his family issues with his mother and sister, and just be supportive of him in that area. I know from experience it is much better than trying to get involved between mother and son. The best way you can help with that is just to continue to have a happy healthy relationship, and hopefully over time his family will recogize that.

In answer to your last question...I think you should STAY! *winks*

Welcome to Ageless, btw...Im real happy to have you here!

As the YM in my relationship, I can say that having kids is ususally something a gent can sacrifice if the love for his lady is strong, and if he's dating an older lady, he already knows that this could be an issue, so he probably is mentally prepared for the negative.

As Peachy mentioned, adoption is certainly an option, so don't give up.

If he has names picked out and says that that is a dream, then it is good for you to take it seriously, so be sure to talk it through with him.

One word of advice: if you want his honest responses, don't offer to leave him so that he can chase his dream. No man wants to hear that offer from the woman he loves, and will probably cause him to think that you might leave him because you want to do "what's best for him". That is an added stress that neither of you need.

Simply take one day at a time, knowing that we really don't know what the future holds. Enjoy being in love with eachother, and let tomorow be.

I truly wish you and your YM the best.

Keep on rockin',

Danelectro

My former in-laws were hispanic, and so I can relate to how controlling they can be. There's THEIR way, and then there's THEIR way. They think that what THEY want for their children is all that's right -- no matter WHAT age they are.

I go thru some of the same thoughts with my YM about wanting children. I only have one daughter (19) and there's no chance for any more. YM says he doesn't WANT any -- although he will say things like, "I saw the CUTEST little baby today.... she was blonde and a little chubby smiling thing..." SO... even though he SAYS he doesn't want any children of his own, I have to wonder... because he makes comments like that... Yet, he says -- why can't we just enjoy life -- travel -- do what we want, and wait for my daughter to get married and have kids? Then we can dote on 'em, love on 'em, spoil 'em, and send 'em home with HER??

It all gets VERY confusing....:confused:

Jay's Love, I think you should take his words at face value and believe them. I have a very wonderful couple of friends who have been married many years. They are the same age, but she has rheumatoid arthritis really badly, and they decided when they married that kids would be unlikely. Mind you, I've known him since I was 9 and I adore him and he adores kids! BUT, he loves her and feels that, while kids are really cool and he adores them, he likes to be able to send them home with their own parents. She has several brothers and they all have several kids each, so as aunt and uncle, they can give their love to those kids, and send them home with their parents, and maintain their freedom to travel (they have many online friends who they go visit around the world several times a year).

Sometimes when they say that, they MEAN that. :D

~phosphorescent

Thanks, fos4snt -- I think it's just tough for me to believe that, because, as in another post we were talking about how actions spoke louder than words, you know!! I'm sure if he says he doesn't want kids, he means that. But at 25 - does he REALLY know what he wants? I'm not sure I knew what I really wanted at 25... and that's all I base that on, nothing else. I have no reason to doubt anything that he says. He hasn't given me one reason to think he's not being up-front and completely with me. When he says he'll call, he calls. When he says he'll be over at a certain time, he's there. I will work harder on nodding in agreement - and smiling - and basking in the glow of what sure seems to be the greatest relationship either one of us has had!! :)

Tubes can be "untied", eggs can be harvested & implanted, babies can be adopted. You need to decide if your YM is worth it to you.

Well, let me tell ya, I live in a hispanic and black neighborhood and although hispanics have the highest stats rates of out of wedlock children, abortion and adoption is not a word in our vocabulary. We're not the fastest growing minority group in this country for nothing.

If he can be happy adopting someone else's child, good for you but i just went on a cruise with some friends, all younger then me and we got to talking about what we would do if we could not have children. One guy, 25 (hispanic), said adoption was out of the question, he wanted his own, and one guy 35 (black) agree and a girl (27 black) didn't think she could adopt either. Of cause I had to remind these fools that this was base on whether they could have children with the partners they choose...once they fell in love, it would be more complicated to just up and leave a partner who could not have children, which they had to agree.

I had a friend who was the only child in her family, her mother miscarry 5 times before she was able to carry her to term...I had ask her why her parents never adopted and she said, her father being Catholic and her mother Jewish, her father was aganist raising someone else's child. I thought it was sad and selfish, that his wife could not have the joy of having more children in their house because of him and because she was in love with him, she had to swallow this desire for a large family. All she could do was wait until her daughter could get married and enjoy her grandchildren, but by 32 her daughter wasn't married yet, the desire again had to be swallowed. I lost touch with her, although her daughter did marry two years after, but she also had alot of fibroids in her uterus, so am not sure if she could have children. My heart went out to this mother.


When I think of leaving I feel like my heart will never be able to love again.

I don't believe this, love will come again as it has with this ym after what I'm sure you believe to be in love with your husband. But you both have to be sure that this is what you want and not after you and your children fall in love with this guy. As a hispanic, I can tell you that its iffy...hispanic men can be quite chauvinistic, and having their own children is a crowing glory, especially with sons. And if he has a name pick out, well...its iffy that he will stay for the long run.

Paris

This may have been said already, but I need to just post and run for a minute....

I'm in the same boat. i'm 33, my YM is 24. I have two kids and wasn't planning on having any more. I know he wants children of his own. I worried about this fora long time, but then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He knows my feelings on the topic, and he's a grown man, and he has to make his own decision about whether he wants to stay or go over that issue. Only he knows for sure what his heart tells him to do, and I can't make that choice for him. If he decides at some point that having or not having children is a 'dealbreaker', I will respect his choice. All I can do for now is love him and make sure we're open and honest with our feelings.

her father being Catholic and her mother Jewish, her father was aganist raising someone else's child.

Not to go off topic, but this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard!! Why would she think that being Catholic would have anything to do with it? I can see being against abortion if you're Catholic, but wouldn't that by default make you PRO adoption????

So, if you can't get an abortion and no one else can adopt your kid, what are you supposed to do if you can't raise the child yourself???

Jeez. So much for christian charity. People make no sense to me sometimes!!!
:confused:

The Catholic church is very much in favor of adoption. Catholic charities facilitates adoptions and has for many years. Never, in all of my Catholic life (and thats all my life) ever heard a priest say that adoption was un-catholic. Quite the contrary. Sounds like someone has picked up some serious misinformation somewhere along the line.

DanE

Originally posted by Dan Echo
The Catholic church is very much in favor of adoption. Catholic charities facilitates adoptions and has for many years. Never, in all of my Catholic life (and thats all my life) ever heard a priest say that adoption was un-catholic. Quite the contrary. Sounds like someone has picked up some serious misinformation somewhere along the line.

DanE

I know - that was what I was thinking!

Originally posted by Kristin
I know - that was what I was thinking!

And U B thinkin' correctly.

Keep on rockin'
DanE

Originally posted by Jay's Love
I'm sure if he says he doesn't want kids, he means that. But at 25 - does he REALLY know what he wants?

Well, around that age a very good female friend of mine had her tubes tied. She hadn't any children and simply did not want them. Her husband agreed. She was the youngest of 19 kids, and didn't want any ~ as she figured she'd have her parents and older siblings to take care of! Plus, she has well over 25 neices and nephews... :o She had to fight the doctors and INSIST they do it ~ they all thought she was too young and would 'change her mind.' She is in her late 50's now and has never regretted making that choice. She STILL cares for her older siblings and spent 20 years caring for her parents, and her husbands!

Some people really DO know what they want at 19. In the same respect, using that logic, I could say my YM doesn't know what he wants at HIS age ~ but if you ask HIM, he is very clear about what he wants (ME) and who am I to tell him he's wrong???

~phosphorescent

Well, that was my point exactly -- who am I to question what he says wants? and yet, as an OW, that's what MOST of us do, whether we want to or not...

Originally posted by Jay's Love
My former in-laws were hispanic, and so I can relate to how controlling they can be. There's THEIR way, and then there's THEIR way. They think that what THEY want for their children is all that's right -- no matter WHAT age they are.

Hehe. . . my ex-in-laws are white and they are controlling my son that I can't even see him!!! The funny thing is, I'm hispanic. :D

Originally posted by Joe
Hehe. . . my ex-in-laws are white and they are controlling my son that I can't even see him!!! The funny thing is, I'm hispanic. :D

Control freaks and manipulative people are, unfortunately, common to all ethnic backgrounds.

BTW, Joe, I had no idea that you were Franco Columbu's twin.

Keep on rockin,

DanE

Originally posted by Dan Echo
Control freaks and manipulative people are, unfortunately, common to all ethnic backgrounds.

BTW, Joe, I had no idea that you were Franco Columbu's twin.

Keep on rockin,

DanE


And yes you are right! That's the point I was making with Jay'sLove. I already knew that bro. :cool:


LOL, Franco's twin, . . . hehehe. . . wish I was brutha'! :D

some points to ponder

you have just gotten divorced- how long is just

he volenteers as a big brother-sounds like he is good at the surrogate father thing that was mentioned.

he says he cares about you more than having kids of his own.

how long have you been seeing each other?

no matter what the age of the partners, there is never a guarantee that you will be able to have children. what you have to look at, is how sincere and committed he is.

i wouldn't rush into anything, but it doesn't sound like you have a reason to write off a relationship at this stage.