HELP !!! he just IM me online

Okay if you have been following my story here's the next saga. He just IM me online and said It is hard not talking to me. I answered, yes, I know. He said it makes it really hard since he's in love with me.????? I answered, "I don't know what to say." he said, I miss you so bad. I told him I did too, but he made his choise to go back with his wife. he asked if he could call me so we could talk. I said Yes. I will be guarded though, don't mistake that. Keep you informed after the call.

Sara, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Please tell him that you love him very much, but he needs to decide who he wants to be with. If he chooses his wife, out of respect for *you* and *her* he should no longer contact you as it is not fair to either of you ladies.

This will be one of the hardest things you ever say to him, but you*won't* be disappointed regardless of outcome.

Peace,
thatgirl

But... But... he's going to sob, guilt and manipulate you into getting back with him so he can have his cake and eat it to. Don't let him do that to you, sara. Why continue to torture yourself? He's a married man who went back to his wife.

In old Navy terms, I'd say "Look buddy, you made your bed. Now SLEEP IN IT" and hang up on his pansy a**.

Sorry, not trying to be harsh, but you need strength to say NO to this guy. BLOCK his IMs. Permanently. Change your phone number. DATE ~ unmarried, single men, preferrably.

Trying to be supportive, but really. Self-inflicted torture is not a good thing. And this guy is BAD news.

~phosphorescent

Good luck to you Sara. I encourage you to be strong and keep your needs in the forefront. He does sound like he has alot to sort out with his marriage and should do that first before being able to move forward with you.


One story I have never shared here before is that I was once involved with a married man. We met when he was separated. At least that's what he told me at the time anyway. He told me that he loved me and that he was in the process of divorcing his wife.

But, after a year of his yo-yo'ing back and forth, I finally realized that he was not going to get a divorce after all and I ended the relationship. For a very long time after that, he called me periodically because he missed me. I eventually got to the point where I refused to accept his calls. Then, at work, I'd receive hangup calls. This went on for YEARS.

Finally, after about 8 years of hangup calls, he got the courage to say hello one day. We have since made peace with what happened between us and we now keep in touch with each other from time to time as friends only. I am happy for him that he was able to stay with his wife and make their marriage work. In fact, they had another child about 6 years ago. So, I am very happy for them both and glad that we did not continue to see each other. We are able to talk about his wife and my fiance truly as friends.

My point in sharing this is that I went through alot of hurt as a result of that situation and I just hope that you won't also go through the same. So, keep focused on your wants and needs and I hope that you'll make sure that he does sort things out completely so that your life is not kept in limbo for a long time like mine was.

oh sara
i don't like him being wishy washy with you. no ma'am, don't like it at all.
i'm all about communication. i am, really.
but i was under the impression that he "communicated" to you that he was going back to his wife.
what could he possibly have to talk about now? does this imply that he didn't think out his decision??? he didn't consider all the hurt he was causing everyone involved? what tha hey?
i just don't want you to get hurt and your feelings are still really raw.
he's got some issues gal.
if he feels strongly enough to keep tormenting your heart then he should man-up and divorce his wife and try to make things work with you.
man-up !!!!


Good luck to you, really good luck gal. i'm doing the dance as we speak :D

Trace

Thank you wise women for commenting. Everyone of you hit on exactly what I was feeling. he did just call and we chit chatted about nothing. He said he would call later because he had just gotten to work. I am interested in what he has to say, but I am not going to be the "Other Woman". Just not me. Your right in that is seems to be his feelings that matter. It makes him feel better to be able to call. I think I am going to see what he has to say and then tell him, If your not happy at home now, then end it. But end it for yourself and then you will know that it was for you. I can't be a part of that reason, I WON'T BE. I also don't take pieces of a person, If I can't have all of them, I want nothing. I believe he is having some major life changing going on right now. But those are his issues not mine. He'll have to figure it out on his own. I will post later with more. Believe me ladies, I am guarding my heart right now.

there ya go gal

:D

Trace

Right on sara! And there is something very empowering about getting some of the control back if this doesn't sound too clinical. Maybe it's just me feeling that I have been left totally out of the loop when it came to ending our relationship - part of me wishes he would come back so I could tell him my rules for proceeding!

Good luck - will be hoping things work out!
M

yesterday he called a couple of times and just chit chatted. I'm thinking WTF, I thought he was going to talk to me about something.

So this morning when he called, I said, "I guess I don't really know what you want from me" He said, "I want your friendship, you were my best friend and I miss that. We don't know what the future holds, we could be together one day. But we better not see each other because it might be too tempting." I said, "make your wife your best friend and tell her the things you would normally tell me." He said, "I can't tell her things because she gets ballistic." I told him it hurts me too bad to just be friends with him and I need to move on. I think it would be better not to talk to each other at all." the other end, silence. Then, "ok" very quietly. Then he said, Well I'm at work now, again silence. I said ok, bye bye (very cheerful) Hope that's the end.

Any idea what is going through his mind? Wants his cake and eat it too? Because he really didn't suggest anything other than being friends and talking on the phone. or just wanting to keep tabs on me and string me along? What gives? Dragonfly your wisdom here. LOL

A guy I knew was cheating on his wife, she told him to get out (because he was cheating) He begged her to take him back, convincing her the other woman meant nothing, it was over, etc, She took him back and believed him, but he continued cheating and actually bragged because he was "upfront"with the other woman and told her he was going back to his marriage and not leaving his wife. Not because he loved her but for some reason like the kids, or she wouldnt give him a divroce etc. He said that way he could have his cake and eat it without the girlfriend having any expectations other than seeing him when he could get away.

Might not be the same as your situation but the guy sure seems a lot like the one I knew. I hope you do like you told him you were going to do and MOVE ON. You know and HE KNOWS if he can convice you to see him and just "be friends" that sooner or later it will go farther...... but only physically Im afraid. He has left you with that hope that "SOMEDAY we could be together " which might make it easy for you to justify going back into a romantic relationship with him. Hes your best friend, he cant be without you and all that bull. He does want his cake and eat it too in my opinion . Im a little worried because I feel you still think you love this guy and nomatter what you are saying to him, the fact that you continue to talk to him lets him know that too. Watch out honey, this guy is a smooth operator in my book. I hope Im wrong but I really dont want to see you get hurt worse than you are already.

Thanks Dragonfly and Charo I do intend to keep up my resolve with this. I think he thought we could roll along as friends in case anything happened with the marriage there I'd be. His wife and I are different as night and day. She can be a shrew (saw her in action a long time ago when we were in a big group and first became friends) I on the other hand am laid back, easy going, and if I do say so myself, very loving and gentle. Nope he can just live with the wench and get what he deserves in my book. LOL I feel sure he's going to try every tactic in the book before it's over. When push comes to shove I can get angry at times. I don't think he wants to see that.

thanks ladies you do inspire me. :D

Good for you Sara, and I think your right.
He IS gonna try and sneak back in however he thinks he can, sooner or later.
. http://www.animationer.dk/4/s/skelet10.gif

YOU GO GIRL !!!! YOU HAVE A GOOD HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS AND HE IS IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE WHEN HE FINDS HE IS NOT AS IRRESISTABLE AS HE THINKS, AND YOU ARE NOT SOME GULLIBLE WOMAN HE CAN MANIPULATE

Sara, I want you to wind the clock forward so that you're near the end of your journey on this earth. Now look back - what do you see ? Years wasted wanting and hoping, a bitter "other woman" (and yes you will begin to feel like someone's dirty secret), no holidays shared together, only moments stolen from someone else, a woman who lost all chances of having an untainted real love ? Or a life with someone who wants only you and gives you respect ?

Your life, Sara - you only have one life so make the right choice, otherwise look back at a nightmare of tainted memories. He's not going to leave her. He's playing you for a fool. Are you reaaly that desperate that you'll give your life away for this ?

Dragonfly hit the nail on the head all the way . I can tell you myself from being married to a man who had woman on the side that they were always told THEY were the love of his life and I was the witch BOO HOO but for some reason he had to stay with me ...I wouldnt give him a divorce, would try and kill myself if he did or he didnt believe in divorce etc ( of course adultry he DID believe in)
When I found out and gave him the ultimatium, he would do just as this y/m of yours is doing.... cry to me telling me how much he loved me and they meant nothing and then go sneak and call them and say he needed them in his life even if it was as a friend, but once he felt things out and found they loved him and would give him the time of day even when he had walked out on them to be with me....well party time, and he would work his way back in with them slowly till he had both things going for himself. I think it was an ego trip for him to get someone and then see just how much he could get away with and have them still be willing to be there on the side whenever he called. If I got mad because he didnt do something he said.... his answer, call that other woman and go over there for comfort, or if he didnt come home all night and I was not so easy to get back in bed, no big deal just call that other woman and he could get sex there.
I had the "pleasure"???? of talking to one of these other woman and found out she was told I wouldnt make him dinner, didnt like sex, was a ***** etc, but the part she didnt know what that he gambled away all our money so there wasnt food for grocerys, he slept with other woman so yea I wasnt miss sexy after a while, and maybe I was a ***** because he would come home from being out running around and think I should smile and accept it. Im out of that now and with someone who is here for me, loves me and whoever gets my ex, I feel sorry for.
You say you wont be the other woman but you already are Sara. You have told him you still love him, continue to talk to him on the phone and let him know or at least THINK that sooner or later "with the right line" he will be able to live with his wife and have you still willing to be there for him when he feels like a change of pace. Honestly, when he calls, I dont know why you want to hear what he has to say.... he already said all that should matter to you IM GOING BACK TO MY WIFE....and hes still there. END of story. If you EVER talk to him it should only be if he comes with DIVORCE papers in hand.... although to be honest, I wouldnt even trust that since the odds are he would marry you and cheat on you too. This is not what you deserve. Expect more from someone who says they love you. Dont settle for crumbs. You sound like a nice person and people like your y/m feed on that . Im sorry to be so harsh but I get mad reading this because its so obvious he is playing with you and using the fact that he knows you love him to finally be able to have you accept him KNOWING hes with his wife the monster supposedly. :o Does he want his cake and eat it too??? YOU BET.

Thanks for the replies ladies. To tell you the truth I've been so sick the past 3 wks. I could care less about anyone. I have had pneumonia and have been so sick. I believe I am feeling better this week and have had a lot of lying around time to think. Yes, you are so right about me being a very nice person. I always see the good in people, sometimes to my own fault. But I do agree and will stick to my guns on this one. As soon as I'm stronger I intend on concentrating on me. I haven't been able to exercise in a month and have lost a lot of weight so I plan on just getting myself healthy right now. I am woman hear me roar. !!! Well... as soon as I have the strength to roar. LOL ;)

Just wanted to say that I am sorry that you have been sick, although it doesn't surprise me with all you have been through. Take those vitamins and get going on the rest of your life with a resolve to not settle for crumbs ever again. You deserve the whole banquet! Good luck!

Im sorry you have been sick Sara, but I hope your feeling better now and are getting your strength back. Your right, it is time to focus on you and take care of yourself.
I even think I heard that ROAR lol
http://www.heathersanimations.com/bigcats/TG-leo-13.gif

Yep I DID I DID