Friends and relatives negative comments

I recently introduced myself to you all. I'm Stacy. I'm 48 yrs old and my b/f, Roger is 32. We've been involved with each other for 10 months. For the most part of that time, we really haven't gone out much as a couple. We spend most of our time together home alone.

Well, on Labor Day, we went to a cookout at my aunt's house. There were a combination of family members and friends there. Some have met Roger before. Some have not, but they all were already aware of our relationship.

Well, one "friend" took me aside and said to me, "Aren't you worried that when you are in your 60's and he's in his 40's, that he'll start looking for someone younger?"

Well, of course I've worried about that! But, despite already worrying about that, my heart still sank anyway when she said that. And now, I can't get this out of my mind.

Roger and I discussed this last night, and of course, he reassured me that he will always love me, but I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm sure that some of you have been through this. How do you deal with those seeds of doubts that come from other people's comments about your age gap?

:(

what other people think.

Just keep remembering the way YOU feel and the way that HE feels and keep the faith.


Lots of luck

Well, I usually come here for some support. Or read Dear Abby, Dear Prudence, Amy Alkon (the Advice Goddess) and more, because you know what? People are often insensitive jerks, without even being aware that they are.

I mean, there are the caddy people who make comments about a persons weight, or breast size, or ask if they're pregnant. There are the foolish people who think it's okay to send wedding invites out soliciting for money. People are amazingly insensitive towards other people!!

What you do, like any other criticism or negativity, is ignore it. Don't let the seeds of doubt eat you from the inside out! You've got a good thing going. A man who loves you, who you love.

And I'm sure you don't want to be mad or resent the insensitive people out there who really didn't MEAN to hurt you ~ I mean, I seriously doubt her comment was meant to be hurtful ~ but it still was. Because you let it concern you.

What goes on between you and your YM is your business and his business and you only need remind yourself that there are NO guarantees in life. He may pre-decease you. He may age faster than you. The maybe's in life are INFINITE.

Don't let it get to you. Hug your man and take comfort in the only thing your guaranteed... this moment. Right now. 10 minutes from now isn't guaranteed. 10 days isn't either. 10 years, definitely not! Be happy, for now. Live that happy now every now you've got.

HUGS!
~phosphorescent

Hi Stacy. Most of my life, I have prided myself in not giving a hoot about what anyone thinks of me. I do have to admit, that every now and then it does bother me when someone says something to me. For example, on the very day I arrived back home from visiting my fiance in Romania, my mother made a similar comment to me. I was so mad! :mad:

I finally just had to tell her that while I understand her concerns, I am 46 yrs old, have been taking care of myself a long time, and while I don't always make the best decisions, whatever happens between Remi and me is OUR business. I told her that although I know that she means well, it hurts me that she doesn't have enough faith in me to think about these things myself. :( She did apologize to me and we sorted it through. But, basically, everyone who knows me really well knows that I don't tolerate anyone telling me how to live my life.

So, try and find a way to gain some thick skin so that those comments will roll right off of you. Hang out here and you'll pick up on some tips on great comebacks. MrsHedgeHog has a really good one. ;)

IMO, I would explain to my friend that anyone in a relationship can be left for someone else, age related or not. I would also not spend time today worrying about something that may or may not happen tomorrow.

Enjoy every day and plan your future with your man, what ever his age. We can never be 100% assured that a relationship will last forever. We have to trust the person we love and they have to trust in us, too. Trust is part of what makes a relationship last.

Doubts and insecurities need to be fed to survive. You have to starve them so they do not thrive. Let your friend know that you are not interested in "what if's" and that you are planning on handling challenges as they appear, but not until then.

**hugs**
Elenni

How terrible. I'm sorry that you had to hear that - but don't actually listen lol...Negative remarks - and especially those that are supposed to come across as caring or concern (and I know they might be genuine, but people should stop...breathe...think....then speak!) can really hurt, and then make you question yourself, then the ym in question, and it can chip away at the foundation of a good relationship. Don't allow that to happen. No one knows anything about the future. If he was your age, would it be a guaruntee that he'd NOT go looking for someone younger? Propbably the opposite is true, really. He already knows your older :) and that's not likely to change as time passes. He will age too. So will the love...mellow like good wine. :cool:

These comments above come from a person that has been in a relationship with an age gap for 4 years, with a 7 year one previous to that. I have been called a "child molester" by a few wonderful people, cradle robber (both happened to be on the cusp {literally, weeks away} of 18 when we first kissed, I was 23 the first time and 30 the next), desperate, ****ty, nasty and lots of other crap. My best friend would tease me all the time saying I was robbing the cradle and that I should put all 4 of my "children" to bed and come out and see her for a bit. It's was AWFUL. But now, with time behind me and some perspective, I stress LESS...lol...I'd never, ever say I don't think about the changing my body is hitting MUCH sooner than his, or that it doesn't every once in a while scare the cr@p out of me, but it's much less now - weeks and months go by w/o a comment or a thought about it, and when they do come, it's less intense and less fearful and almost silly. Time will tell, but I always try and think this. *I* must be great and wonderful and fantastic, because the great, wonderful, fantastic, amazing person is with me! And why would that great, amazing, fantasic, amazing person make a decision to be with someone not as cool as he is? ;)

Have you read "Older Women, Younger Men" yet? Helped me a thousand times over with a lot of this. some of what I said to you is an indirect quote from the book - the stuff sticks with me, and I appreciate those things to hold on to when it feels rough.

Take care!
Love,
Karen

When people say nasty things, ask them if they are just jealous--

seems to me (i could be wrong) that men leave and or cheat on younger wives or girlfriends far more often-after all, younger women get older anyhow, and if he really wants a younger woman, when you get older he may look for a younger one.

and a good comeback may be 'how do you know i won't leave him for a younger man when he gets older' (only to be used if you are feeling particularly *****y

Your maturity is probably one of the things that attracted your YM. Be sure and handle this one with as much maturity. Don't let well meaning friends and family members undermine what you two have for each other. Bring it out in the open with your YM, not so much what was said, but situations such as these that whittle away at the relationship. Remind him you are both in a rather unconventional relationship and in order for it to work you are going to have to muster up some courage and resolve. Over time, I think these remarks will get fewer and fewer. It doesn't matter what the circumstance or situation you always have do-gooders. When I miscarried twins, I was devastated. The remark I heard the most was, You're young, you'll get pregnant again. I used to get furious, like what I had wasn't real. I enjoyed the idea of twins and the chances of that again were slim. I learned my lesson from it too. Now when I hear of someone that has miscarried, I simply tell them, I am so sorry for you and your husband, I know it was very special. With time the grief does get better. My point is....ignorance is out there. Yuck !! gotta deal with it.

Originally posted by catlover
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and a good comeback may be 'how do you know i won't leave him for a younger man when he gets older' (only to be used if you are feeling particularly *****y .


ROFLMFAO!

I'm practically looking forward to using that one!

I've had a few comments like that over the last three and a half years.

I've always been very honest in my response to those folks - friends/relatives etc. I say "heck, yes, I'm scared" I think about those fears and I'm just pushing on with it. I've never had anyone persist with the negativism though. It was more in the early months as opposed to now.

No one ever harped on about it - but then my excitement, enthusiasm, and guarded optimism may have won them over. I never, ever got mad at anyone. I was too busy having fun.

Cindy

the people that have commented on my age gap relationship were always people who did not have a good relationship of their own, either they were in a dead end relationship or never had a good one. the people who supported me were people who had love in their lives, time and time again it was explained to me that no matter what outside appearance their partner would have had they would have loved them anyway.

my sister said it best like this... if her husband had a disfiguring accident, would that be grounds for her to leave him because he was not what the world thought was acceptable? she said NO, she loves his character and that he is a good man, and that is what she see's in him. so, she said if I found a good man to hold on tight and love him and forget about what people think.

i truly feel sorry for the ones who have said something to me and it doesnt bother me when they bring it up because it is me who is the winner, i am loved and adored, and it would be mean spirited to put that back in their faces, i just silently thank God for this beautiful blessing in my life and wish and pray the same for them in thanks for what i have. i am Very grateful for this gift of love.

Hi Stacy,
Well if it helps any, I am that age your worried about getting to and my y/m is 32
We have been together over 2 years now and things are better than ever.
I cant lie and say we didnt go through a time where it was awkward when we first got together , went to a movie, ran into his friends, or the first time I met his parents, but I feel very blessed that the people who really matter to us, accept us...and those that dont, well who cares. I think what kittylane and the others have said , have summed it up beautifully

I'm sorry that I haven't gotten back here to read up on your responses, but I've had a tough time the past few days. I just can't seem to get a handle on my emotions ever since I heard that comment. But, I logged on this morning and found all these wonderful responses and I cannot tell you how much better you make me feel. There is definitely something to be said for talking to people who truly understand what you're going through.

Thank you everyone.

Yep. That's what this is for. Come and leave your willies here whenever you'd like. :)