A frustration with life in general

Ladies and gentlemen!

I need to vent! Please read my story and feel free to make comments.

I have been together with a 12 year older woman for six months now. I'm in my mid-thirties.

In the late couple of months I seem to have lost my ability to enjoy life as it is. I'm feeling lonely, depressed, frustrated and really JEALOUS and ENVIOUS at other people!

Not to mention my lady whom I have learned had a really wild youth with lots of men, sex and one night stands. I don't like that at all. I'm by no means a virgin but my sexual experience is limted since I have two really long relationships in my past and I dont do one night stands.
It's eating me up! Its a value thing but it's also plain and simple JEALOUSY and I hate myself for that.

The two of us have had very different lives so far.

She is from a wealthy family. Have never had to worry about mony or anything material. God has given her the gift of striking beauty. Men have lusted for her all of her life, and her female friends has been really envious of her.

Me. on the other hand, come from a working class family. My parents divorced when I was six years old and I grew up with my father. My mother left dad for another man who abused her, hit her and she turned into an alcoholic. I soon learned to stay away from her beacuse meeting her only made me feel bad.

When I eas nine years old my father became seriously ill. In just about two years he became badly disabled and when I was 11 I was already responsibly for taking care of the household, making dinner, cleaning, making sure the bills were paid etc.

He stayed alive for 12 years. Probably fighting his disease so that he at least could make sure that at least he could provide me with the basics.

All this meant that my childhood was really different. Yes, I had good friends, thank god for that!
But I never got around to staying out at night, going to clubs, meeting girls etc. Always had to be home early so that I could check on my dad.

Despite of all this, I got myself a decent education and today I am a respected proffessional, have a nice income, a great house so on.

People who know me and know what I have gone through tell me that they are amazed of what I have achieved.

So why can't I just enjoy life as it is?
I love my lady. She loves me. She may have had an easy life but her personality is by no means undeveloped. she treats me so nice!

I just feel miserable and have nagging thought about other people having it so easy in life while I have to work harder and harder....

I hate myself! I hate never beeing able to be with my lady thinking that "oh it's easy for HER to say! She was spoon-fed all of her life!" Now her beauty is fading and she need me!

Thanks for letting me vent. Do you think Ishould try seeing a therapist?

Cheers,

Rick

Yes, I agree that you need to see a therapist. You seem to really care about your lady but it seems you are on a path of sabatoging the relationship with the feelings you are having.

A therapist is trained to help you work through those feelings and get to the real underlying causes and help you to overcome them. It would be a shame to ruin a potentially great relationship when it could be saved. And, if you are having these feelings with this lady and don't get help, I suspect you will have the same feelings in subsequent relationships.

Go get help and let us know how it's going. :)

A therapist will help you to figure out whats going on with YOU. I am really not sure this is a relationship problem. Sounds more to me like your suffering from depression. (I recommend, from personal experience, to see a psychologist as opposed to a psychiatrist. Psychologists, by nature, tend to treat the issues through counseling and group therapy, where psychiatrists will often look to drugs as a first course of action prior to beginning therapy. I find this measure destructive to the core. If counseling doesn't help, THEN look into medications, not visa versa).

I'm sure your childhood was difficult for you and despite having made such achievements, you still feel dissatisfied, as if you were cheated of something. In a way, you were. But, the feelings you're projecting onto your OW are not condusive to having a good relationship. She can't help her upbringing any more than you can help yours, but a therapist WILL help you come to terms with who you are!

I certainly wish you the best of luck... sometimes its not what we achieve in life that brings us happiness. I can relate to where you are, though. Maybe you should search for my thread on What is the Definition of Happiness... people had some beautiful things to say there!

Good luck, Rick.
~phosphorescent

I agree with the others--seeing a therapist would be a very, very good thing.

I wonder if part of the issue is that your entire life has been spent in more or less, some type of discomfort. Be it financial, emotional, your work load and responsibilities...you get the picture.

As you get older, more and more you're noticing and *wanting* a simpler, more enjoyable life, but just don't quite know how to get there.

You know on one hand your current thought process doesn't make sense, yet it stays with you...

It's like you're stuck.

Yes/no?

Peace,
thatgirl

i so agree with what these smart ladies said,,,,i'd have to be TWO people to agree more.

i'd encourage you to adhere to their advice expeditiously.

and good luck to you and yes, please do let us know when you get time.

I am sorry that you are going through such turmoil right now. I agree with everything that everyone else has said so far. So, nothing much else to add, but to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you will follow through on the therapy and that you'll keep us updated on your progress.

Rick,

You mention so many feelings, lonliness, frustration, depression, jealousy and envy, but the one that you do not list is the one that sounds like it is standing out the most...resentment.

It sounds as though you resent her for having had an "easy" life while you had to "struggle". It sounds like you resent her for having had many sexual experiences while you had only few.

Resentment is a bitter enemy, not a sweet friend. It will attack your taste buds if you let it. Learn to let go and forgive her for being "spoon fed". Remember she did not choose to grow up "spoon fed" any more than you chose to grow up "struggling".

You answered your own question about seeing a therapist, when you asked it. You know deep inside that it is something you are considering and should try.

Best wishes on recovering from all these feelings. It is just another struggle that many people in life have to deal with, and it sounds like you are use to struggles.

**hugs**
Elenni

Beautiful post elenni. Wow.

I did want to add something on the 'spoon fed' thing. Whether a person grows up with financial security does not define whether or not they had to struggle. I've known people who grew up in 'rich' houses and had money handed to them whenever they needed it, but struggled through some things a 'poorer' person would never want to conceive of...

I've known people who have grown up 'poor' but have been some of the richest people in the world. They didn't have 'things,' but they had love and family and support, decency, self-respect and an appreciation for the finer things in life (and those not being superficial things either!)

Having grown up with money doesn't mean the woman never had to struggle for anything in her life. From your original post, it strikes me that you truly value her as a human being. Spoiled rotten brats who are "spoon fed" all their lives and never made it through a single life obstacle or struggle on their own are simply NOT what most people could find a shred of respect for.

Consider that.

Good luck, and I hope you do the therapy thing... for YOU!
~phosphorescent

Rick, I do sense resentment building in the relationship. I'll bet all unbenownst to your OW. It does seem like you resent her for all her life experiences and wealth. Which I could understand if life had kicked you when you were down. Well....maybe for a bit while you were growing up. But once you were able to take control of your destiny you became something. I do think it has something to do with always having to climb that hill. Now your at the top of that hill (so to speak) and it is basically a let down. You've never known anything but to climb, climb, climb...to keep your head out. You may even feel guilty about being where you are now. first, I'd suggest talking to your OW about these feelings, you say she had never been anything but kind and gentle. So tell her. It will make you feel better and bring you closer together. Second, I'd say see a therapist. I feel like it wouldn't take many sessions to set you straight. You have every reason to be happy. It is a mindset. When you start to crawl out of bed in the mornings, as your doing it say, I'm am going to have a good day today !!! It will soon become a habit. Then pretty soon you won't have to talk to yourself anymore you will just wake up happy. I know, I've done it and it works.

Good luck and let us know how it goes :)

Thank you all for replying to my post!

You really are the greatest people!

Let me tell you, it's really scary when I realize how I have changed in the last couple of months!

I'm usually the optimistic one. "It will all be good in the end" but now I take every opportunity to wallow in the same negative thoughts again and again...hour after hour....

I have always been a provider of some sort. I looked after my father. I have supported my girfriends both emotionally and financially without ever expecting to get something in return. Maybe it will do me good to get some support from a professional counsellor.

Yes, I feel resentment. Lots of resentment. If I feel this negative about life, where do I channel those emotions? Of course I direct them towards the only person that is close to me and means something for me. Towards HER! It's a lose-lose situation.

This is not about her or the relationship at all. She is an amazing woman in many respects. These are MY problem and I have to deal with them.

Sally wrote:

I am intrigued though, by one of your comments...

"Now her beauty is fading and she need me!"

Is this comment a reflection of her superficiality or yours?

___

Wasn't even aware I said that! Please ignore it, just a sign of how bitter I feel when I'm at my lowest.

Sara wrote:

You've never known anything but to climb, climb, climb...to keep your head out.

_____

Could'nt have said it better myself!

Maybe my newfound security makes me restless because I'm not used to it!

Again, Thank you all for responding!

When I got into the office today I picked up the phone, called a supposedly great therapist and made an appointment! All I needed was a little push from you.

Here begins a new chapter in my life....

All the best,

R.

Great job, Captain! And we will be here for you offering support if you need it from us as well.

What a smart man !!!!:)

Just FYI regarding therapists vs. medication. Study has found that when people go to a therapist, in 2 months, about 30% are considerably better. When one just takes medication but does NOT see a therapist, in 2 months, about 30% are better. But when someone goes to therapy AND takes medication, the percentage of people that are better at 2 months are about 70%.

Depression CAN be just a chemical imbalance just like being diabetic. If ones Seratonin is depleted, then all the therapy in the world will not make one feel better. And if one has an issue that is disrupting their life, all the medication in the world will not make it go away. So bottom line, there is no "one size" fits all.

I wish you the best and I am so glad you are seeing someone to help you deal with your problem.

I only glanced at the other responses and they are good.

BUTT

you see your stressful less than perfect upbringing as a NEGATIVE... I see it as a positive, because it has made you a whole, wonderful, person. You know the ins and outs you know what matters and what doesn't.

Perhaps this lilly white perfect woman who has only dated also priveledged men sees in you a man who KNOWS what is important and what is gloss.

Remember Billy Joels song, Uptown girl? Living in your white bread world?

I would not trade one moment of my humble life for one of priveledge... It made me the strong, resourceful, compassionate person that I am... and MAYBE SHE SEES THAT.

just a thought.

Swan,

When people used to ask me "dont you feel sad about what happened in your life?" I used to reply that I do to some extent, but It's also a great part of the person I have become.

It has made me a very secure, down to earth person.

That's whats so scary about what I feel today about my life and my OW. This is NOT ME!

I used to laugh, make jokes and make other people feel good. Now I'm just the introvert guy in the corner playing the same negative tape ocer and over again....

lots of love,

R.

Originally posted by Captain R

That's whats so scary about what I feel today about my life and my OW. This is NOT ME!

I used to laugh, make jokes and make other people feel good. Now I'm just the introvert guy in the corner playing the same negative tape ocer and over again....


What in your situation and your perceptions has changed between then and now?

Yavor,

I think all the changes in my situation have actually been for the better. A nice house, great job, an amazing woman....

Yet I feel so empty and negative.

I spend at least four hours per day obsessing about how she had sex with too many men and that I'm just one in a long row of partners. etc. etc.

Don't feel like going out much and meet my friends either.

fortunately I haven't isolated myself or anything...just feeling down when I should be so happy!

Take Care!

R.