His mother died

OK, I wasn't sure if I was going to bring this up here, but you all have such a wealth of life experience that I thought I could get a few points of view.

A couple of days ago, we got a call from Jeremy's sister that their natural mother had died in Tennessee. No further information beyond that.

Jeremy has not seen her since he was little, when he went to live with his father and step-mother (whom he refers to as "Mom") because his birth mother was a crack addict. He knew that she was diagnosed with lukemia about 4 years ago and suspects that it was what she died from.

OK, so, he was kinda quiet and introspective for a little while and I asked him how he felt. He said he didn't know how to feel (I suspected he'd say as much).

Now, he hasn't really mentioned it to me in a couple of days, but he has refered to it as a source of stress when speaking to his ex or friends on the phone.

I guess I have been letting him lead the way on it and bring it up if he wishes, so I haven't mentioned it since. But I can tell he is stressing out and I don't know if this is a large contributor, but I don't want to bring it up and blow it out of proportion. But I also don't want to seem like I don't care and I'm blowing it off or I'm taking it lightly.

How would you handle this?

It's likely he was still dealing with issues about where he wanted her to fit into his life, and now that she is dead he's bound to be upset. Whether he emotes about it is another question entirely. This is a situation that calls for grief counseling!

Everyone grieves differently.

Tell him something like "You seem a little stressed about your Mom passing. If you want to talk about it, or if there's anything else I can do for you, I want you to know I'm here for what ever you need. I'm also here if you don't want to talk about it. I just wanted you to know that I care. I won't nag you about this."

This should get the message across to him that you care and you're truly there in any capacity should he want to talk or even just hang out in silence.

Good luck to you.

thatgirl

Hug him, Kristin.

wrap your arms around him and hug him. put everything you want to say to him and don't feel sure about saying into that hug. put your love, your friendship, your caring, your concern into it.
lock eyes with him, put your hands on his face and tell him that you love him.

this will either get him to open up or it will give him a great sense of your relationship. he'll feel it. i promise.
if he talks, he talks. if not, so be it.
sometimes, it's easier to open up to folks we aren't as close to as our nearest and dearest.
i'm sending you strength and sending him compassion.

it's a very unfortunate situation, i feel for the both of you.
lemme know, gal.

Trace

I agree - what THEY said.... He might NOT want to talk - because he might not really know how to verbalize what he's feeling - but just knowing you are there for him will mean the world to him.

For Jeremy and for you, too... because I know its hard to know what to do to comfort someone in a situation like this. I liked both thatgirls and greeneyedgirls suggestions. Maybe a combination of both. Sometimes support is simply just being there, other times, you play a more active roll. Let him know you're there for him and concerned about how he's taking it, tell him you'll let him grieve however he needs to grieve, but you're there for him.

That's honestly the best you can do. You don't know how he's feeling, and its kind of like one of those situations where saying too much could end in saying something unintentionally hurtful.

It's obvious you're trying to be sensitive to his needs. I bet he's very glad he has you!

~phosphorescent

Thanks guys,

I guess sometimes the right answer is the one you already knew in your heart.

I gave him a big hug when it happened, but I didn't push talking to him.

I guess one of the reasons that I'm still concerned is that he seems a little insecure about US since this happened - like his confusion over how to deal with his birth mother's death is being transferred into worry about us/losing me.

It's just weird that he doesn't mention it to me, but complains about it to others in conversations about what is going on in his life & causing him stress. It makes me feel like he doesn't want to "bother" me with it.

I didn't mean "blow it out of proportion" like it wasn't a big deal. I meant that I didn't want to keep bringing it up if he didn't want to talk about it. We've also only been together 2 months (today!), so I don't know his whole life story or how he deals with this sort of thing. And I know that guys often handle things differently. And I don't think he really has had to deal with death this closely.

It's so hard because he didn't have any kind of relationship with her and there is obviously resentment over abandonment issues, even though he had his father and stepmother.

Lord, she was only 41 years old, too. Makes you think.

I think that anytime we lose someone to death, no matter how close we were to them, it's a reminder to us that life is short. So, naturally, he's worried about losing you. But, sounds like he's got wonderful support from you Kristin and there's no risk of losing you. :)

Please send him my regards and deepest sympathy for the loss of his mother.

ya know gal, i just thought of something. maybe he feels bad because.....he doesn't feel bad.
do you get what i'm saying? she wasn't a mother to him. his step-mom is who he calls "mom". maybe he's battling with "why don't i feel bad and am crying or something???"
i dunno, just another avenue to explore.
but maybe it's just that he is riddled with questions of why couldn't SHE have been his "mom" like she was supposed to.

eck, i wish i could tell ya exactly what to do. nothing worse than seeing stuff going on in our SO's head and not be able to help them.

still thinkin' about ya.
Trace

Good point, Trace. ;)

My husband goes through this with his Mom--the "feeling bad because he doesn't feel bad" thingy. He has a brother who, in my opinion, exacerbates this by telling him he "should" feel bad about his Mom.

Blah, blah, blah...one day I told him "You know, if you don't feel bad, it's okay. There's no reason to force a feeling that's just not there." Ever since then, he's become remarkably better with it. Yes, he still has his moments from time-to-time, but they're not nearly as morose as they used to be.

Another two cents.

Peace,
thatgirl

Tell him that you know he's suffered a loss, a big, strange, intense and hard to describe loss. And that life won't feel quite normal for a while. And that you're here for him if he wants to talk about it and here for him if he doesn't want to talk about it.

And then try not to worry. He's gonna be weird because it's a weird thing to have happened. The thing to avoid is starting to feel insecure because he's acting strange. There is a reason why he's acting strange and it has nothing to do with you.

Just let him be in this non-normal place.

Otherwise, it's likely that he'll start worrying about how his discomfort is affecting "you" and that's not what he should be experiencing right now. He needs to concentrate on himself. The more you let him do that - probably the better.

I'm sure he'll be fine in time. You just don't want the loss of his mother to morph into a problem between the two of you.

No reason for that.

It's so hard because he didn't have any kind of relationship with her and there is obviously resentment over abandonment issues, even though he had his father and stepmother.

Kristin,

He's probably feeling the loss of what might have been. She is his birth mother. Her blood is coursing through his veins. It's probably hard for him to figure out why it all had to be the way it was. He more than likely feels a mixture of resentment and regret. Resentment that she made such poor choices that things wound up as they did in her life. Regret because his birth mother didn't live anywhere near the life that all of us hope to live.

He's feeling insecure because she chose drugs over him. That he wasn't important enough to her that she would give up drugs for him. How do mother's do that to children? Did his birth mother ever love him? Why did she do what she did to him? To herself?

He's got to deal with what might have been an that's probably what he's struggling with. He doesn't get the closure that most of us get with the death of a parent. It's alot to handle.

I'd ask him if what he'd like to do to remember her life. Almost every life, no matter how sad or failed, deserves to be remembered. Maybe he needs to do something for the mother who could do little for him.

Please tell him it's ok to grieve her and remember her too.

Hugs
Bub

Originally posted by Kristin
Thanks guys,

I guess sometimes the right answer is the one you already knew in your heart.

I gave him a big hug when it happened, but I didn't push talking to him.

I guess one of the reasons that I'm still concerned is that he seems a little insecure about US since this happened - like his confusion over how to deal with his birth mother's death is being transferred into worry about us/losing me.

It's just weird that he doesn't mention it to me, but complains about it to others in conversations about what is going on in his life & causing him stress. It makes me feel like he doesn't want to "bother" me with it.

I didn't mean "blow it out of proportion" like it wasn't a big deal. I meant that I didn't want to keep bringing it up if he didn't want to talk about it. We've also only been together 2 months (today!), so I don't know his whole life story or how he deals with this sort of thing. And I know that guys often handle things differently. And I don't think he really has had to deal with death this closely.

It's so hard because he didn't have any kind of relationship with her and there is obviously resentment over abandonment issues, even though he had his father and stepmother.

Lord, she was only 41 years old, too. Makes you think.

[/B][/QUOTE] [B]Kristin, I can relate to Jeremy in a couple ways. First when someone dies, someone you never got to have a relationship with thats a mom or dad or son or whatever, it leaves you with a lot of unfinished business that goes on in your head.There is also a possibility like others have mentioned that Jeremy feels nothing and feels guilty over that. Regardless of how detached or uninvolved he was with his mother there are still the thoughts that You never got to talk to the person and say things you wanted to, or find out things from them you had questions about etc and now YOU NEVER WILL. You have no closure. . Even when someone is sick,and you know they will die, it is not the same as when they do die. Its then that it hits you in the face how things can happen without warning or without you being prepared.
Im sure Jeremy could be going through many changes right now,guilt, confusion, anger, frustration, fears, etc, and the thought that he could lose you without warning could be one of them, but re-inforcing your love for him and being there for him like you are, will mean more than you know to him as the weeks go on..
I think everyones advice has been RIGHT ON so just hang in there, and know it may be hard to understand his mood swings etc, at times, but being that solid rock he can be sure of is what he needs to get him through this
My prayers are with you both.

the hug was probably one of the best things you could do.

my dad died suddenly in july 2003. he was a very stubborn man and all of my siblings and i had *issues* with him. one of my brothers made the comment at the funeral home that he was good at the tough stuff but not at the fuzzy stuff. i wish i could have had someone to just hug and be there. still could use it. even now i don't like to think about him actually being gone.

he may also be talking to other people because they brought it up. he sounds like the kind of person that is stong and doesn't like to be a burden to others. i'm basically the same way. sometimes i say i dont want to talk about it, but it is just because i feel like i'm imposing. you could try just asking some easy questions about her and their history, and it could lead to him being able to open up. talking about growing up and even the not so nice things my dad did to us has brought my brothers and i closer.

kristen,

i'm a slow reader and haven't got the time to read everyone else's response...but with all the books and studies i've done on the relationships, i would say just leave it alone until he brings it up to u and then u r all sympathetic/empathetic ears at that time...other than that, i wouldn't bother to bring it up...apparently he's not ready to talk to u...when he is, then he will...

one thing i learn from reading books on relating is that the greater amount of negative materials disclosed in a relationship, the worse the relationship...so i think that jeremy might know this intuitively and doesn't want to sour the tone of his relationship w/ u w/ all that emotionally heavy laden material...

so i think u did the right thing by not approaching him about it...

i doubt that he would think that u didn't care about him or his mother's death...

so don't worry, g/f...take care,
ng

You guys are awesome. I knew you'd come through! :)

Last night I asked Jeremy how he was feeling about his mother, since he hadn't mentioned it recently. He said that he "honestly hadn't thought about it much" but it did kind of bother him that he never had the chance to go meet her and see what kind of person she was. I let it drop after that because he didn't say any more.

I totally agree that the lack of deep emotions may be bothering him. That was something that crossed my mind, as well. I can see myself struggling with that if it were me.

Also, I do still have concerns about closure for him. The funeral will be in Tennessee. The only part the kids have in it is signing and faxing the papers from the funeral home, giving permission for her body to be cremated. How sad is that?

bubbleee, I like your idea. Should I wait a little while and then suggest that he do something in rememberance? Anyone have suggestions about what to do so maybe I can suggest it to him?

Thanks!

...a while ago about grieving I thought was really kinda beautiful. Which is to write a letter to that person... put into it everything you think you wanted to say, all your feelings, good and bad...

...and then burn it...

It's a way to let go... for some people it brings an enormous amount of satisfaction and closure...

...I hear its really useful for other grief situations, too, and struck me as a very sensible idea ~ in concept. I know I write when I'm overwhelmed, and frequently just hit delete, but the process of writing makes me feel better, like screaming to the heavens or something. :D

HUGS to both of you...
~phosphorescent

Awesome idea fos ~ thank you!

Kristin,

You could also plant a tree in a park, or at a halfway house, or even in your yard, and put a small memorial plaque on it.

My dad loved birds and when he died I hung a bird feeder in my yard and I kept it filled in memory of him.

Another thought is that many parks and war memorials have pavers that you can buy for 20 or 30 dollars and have a name inscribed upon it.

Glad that we have helped you somehow.

Hugs to you both!
Bub

...I hear its really useful for other grief situations, too, and struck me as a very sensible idea ~ in concept. I know I write when I'm overwhelmed, and frequently just hit delete, but the process of writing makes me feel better, like screaming to the heavens or something.

i've done that for other things, but hadn't thought of doing it for my dad. not today though, just thinking about it right now is making me to uncomfortable:(

Originally posted by bubbleee
Kristin,

He's probably feeling the loss of what might have been. She is his birth mother. Her blood is coursing through his veins. It's probably hard for him to figure out why it all had to be the way it was. He more than likely feels a mixture of resentment and regret. Resentment that she made such poor choices that things wound up as they did in her life. Regret because his birth mother didn't live anywhere near the life that all of us hope to live.

He's feeling insecure because she chose drugs over him. That he wasn't important enough to her that she would give up drugs for him. How do mother's do that to children? Did his birth mother ever love him? Why did she do what she did to him? To herself?

He's got to deal with what might have been an that's probably what he's struggling with. He doesn't get the closure that most of us get with the death of a parent. It's alot to handle.

I'd ask him if what he'd like to do to remember her life. Almost every life, no matter how sad or failed, deserves to be remembered. Maybe he needs to do something for the mother who could do little for him.

Please tell him it's ok to grieve her and remember her too.

Hugs
Bub

And be sure to remind him that drug addiction is NOT a choice--it's an illness that some are able to battle back from and some can't.