New and freaking out big time

Hi all:

I find this site truly inspiring and am glad to have found it as I really felt like I was very alone in this situation.

So here it is. I am 40 and involved with an 18yr old ym. It is still pretty new (6 months) and a first for me...so of course I have a lot of concerns/doubts.

I have been through the constant questioning of myself
.ie: am I having a midlife crisis, am I trying to recapture my youth? What on earth am I doing/thinking? Have I lost my mind?

Truth is that I have a stronger emotional connection with -A- than I have had with any other relationship. We just fit, it just works.

It was not a matter of one of us persuing the other, although we went for a year with these feelings, hiding them, not letting on to each other that there was more going on between us than either of us were willing to admit ( even to ourselves), until one day when the truth came out. I have to confess that I was surprised, both at myself that I would let this go so far, because My head was saying "don't be rediculous, this is wrong" while my heart was saying "nothing has ever felt to right". As well as with the fact that someone so young could be interested in me. Yes I am a very attractive woman and in great shape ( Dancer: Jazz, Ballet etc - my clothes stay on..LOL)..bit still, I'm 40 to his 18.

My heart won out but my head still objects.

My main concern is that I am being selfish and unfair. Am I robbing A of having a chance at a relationship with someone his own age?

He says, he is very much in love with me and his actions back that up. I have no reason to doubt his feelings. He is aware of my doubts and sadly this causes him some feeling of insecurity.

He absolutley amazes me as he seems to handle all of this so much better than I do. But then again age gap relationships are common in his family, it is quite natural to him.

His grand parents Grandma OW, Grandpa YM, with a ten year age difference. His father is also 10 yrs older than his mother. But He and I are the biggest age gap.

Right now our relationship is not out in the open ( my son knows but he is the only one..son is 17 and is very supportive)
So it seems that I am so far the only one who is having a problem with this, I am the reason for the big secret.

Ladies how did you overcome your doubts? ym how did you deal with your ow's concerns? ( for those to whom this is applicable).

Wanting to follow my heart as I feel this is and could be -even more so- the most spiritually fulfilling relationship in my life. But My head won't shut up.

Just because I think you would all like this; My ym gave me this song to listen to. He is a big Metalica fan and it really is clear what he is trying to communicate to me.

Lyric ( Nothing Else Matters)

So close, no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever, trust in who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek, and I find in you
every day for us, something new
open mind, for a different veiw
and nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know....nothing else matters

Rabbit

Hi Rabbit and welcome!

You'll find that your story is very familiar around here and many (if not most) came here with the same concerns as you have now. I think the biggest factor in easing those concerns is finding out just how many other women here were in your shoes, chose to move forward and are in some of the most rewarding relationships that they have ever had.

I'm relatively new here myself. My YM did actively pursue me and I had similar doubts - the primary being "Why does he want me?" (He also has OW/YM parents and had dated other OW before, so that helped a lot.) I know that just reading the threads here helped me. I didn't even ask for advice until yesterday and that was about something that possibly could have applied to any age! These are really great people here! :)

I think some of the advice that I read that made the biggest impact was:
Treat this as any other relationship without the age gap. There's never any guaranty in any relationship and mostly what you'll face are the same issues that any other couple faces.
He choses to be with you. Why is that selfish or unfair? You aren't taking anything away from him - you are adding a whole new dimension to his life and you have a lot to offer. Don't sell yourself short! How would dating another 18 year old be any better for him?
If you have issues with friends and family, remember that they can cause problems in any relationship. (My parents hated my last bf and he was 40 yrs old.) You need to do what makes you happy. None of those people will suffer because you love a younger man. State your feelings, put your foot down and live your life.
There can be issues with VYM (very young men) as they sometimes hit drinking age and can turn into party animals. You need to be prepared for that and decide how you want to deal with it when it happens.
Most of these women were actively and persistantly pursued by their men, so thre was little doubt for most that there was commitment on the YM's part. Those seem to be the relationships that hold their own later on.
As far as your appearance, you seem to have good self esteem there, but there is a great "Old Body" thread that you can read. Some of my favorites: the YM chose to be with you, you don't have to worry about "getting older" because you're already there and you won't have to worry about him trading you in for a younger version because he already likes the older version!
The biggest hurdle is realizing that you are an intelligent, beautiful and loving person and that you deserve happiness too! :)
There are some things that you will want to discuss and the primary being children and whether or not you'll have them and if he wants them

Other than that, go for it, don't take things any more seriously than you would with another 40 yr old and have a great time!

Wow. 22 years is a big gap, but nothing that can't be overcome.

Kristin said:

I'm relatively new here myself. My YM did actively pursue me and I had similar doubts - the primary being "Why does he want me?"

My relationship started like that too. We have a 12 year gap (43 to 31), and have been together for 15 months now. It started with a one night stand (or so I thought!) but he kept calling me.....and I couldn't help but think...."why on earth does he keep calling me????" I felt so awkward about it, to the point of ignoring his calls, but my best friend kept telling me to go with it..."What could it hurt" she would say. Turns out, according to my ym, that he was looking for a more mature woman...not necessarily in age, but in attitude. The fact that it happened to be me is just fate.

Anyway, I just ended up going with it......it felt right. And it's worked out really well for us. I also found this place, which made me realize I wasn't some kind of freak and that helped ALOT. So welcome!!

Kristin is right on!

I have dealt with the selfish issues. I wondered if I was being selfish and if I should end this relationship before it got too serious. But then I realized that my ym is being just as selfish as I am. We are both keeping the other one from dating someone our own age. I guess that most relationships would be considered selfish by those standards, since most people are not the exact age as the other one.

IMO, falling in love can be seen as having selfish motives, but love, itself, is selfless.

I do not know if this makes any sense, but I can understand the struggle you are having with the selfish issue. I spent much time deciding if I was doing this only for me, and if I would hurt him in the long run. I realize now that this is something for both of us. Something we both want and need in our lives.

Elenni

Hi, and welcome.
I'm Frances, 49, with David, 21 for over 3 1/2 years now. We've been living together for almost 3 1/2 years.
Believe me, I've felt everything you're feeling.
Question?
How are you keeping him from dating others his own age? Did you duct tape him to the wall or something?
I'm really not being sarcastic, but it is his choice who he dates, unless you have some kind of power over him, and if he chooses that person to be you, how are you being selfish?
Its not always easy with a really young one, you have to deal with their growing pains, society's raised eyebrows, people not always taking you seriously. But it can be wonderful, if you have the strength to deal with the issues that can arise.
It really is the person, not the age.
As I always say, I don't know if we'll last forever, no relationship is guaranteed, no matter the ages involved. But I do know that I wouldn't have traded the time I've had with him for anything.

"How are you keeping him from dating others his own age? Did you duct tape him to the wall or something?"

Hmmmm.....good point.


"it is his choice who he dates, "

Frances, this is pretty much what he said on the subject, word for word.

As for "society's raised eyebrows" I did tell one person besides my son about us and that turned out to be a huge mistake as she adamantly told me how sick I was and that I should go for councelling because I had serious issues.

No.. I don't scare off easily and it is not the bone heads like that who matter. I have more concern for the feelings of his family.

I have thought about all of the points posted by you wonderful supportive people and continue to think on them.

My doubts are not fear based as I know there are no guarantees, heck I could be seeing someone twice my age and he could leave me for another - younger or older. And if things do not end up working out, I am a strong person and know I can handle it.

It is, I suppose that I am suffering from a guilty conscience ( don't really know why?) Perhaps the old forbidden fruit and all that.

So, thank you all for the good advice and I will just take this one day at a time.

Rabbit

I don't think your relationship is "wrong"...he's an adult, and able to make choices about who he is in a relationship with.

Will it last? Well, how long are you looking for it to last? I'll be honest, I'm always skeptical about relationships that start out with very young men and women in their 40's. At this point in time, he REALLY DOES love you. I'm sure he feels that with all of his heart. Will he feel that three years from now, when his buddies all turn 21 and it's time to explore the wonderful world of nightclubbing (which I'm sure you wouldn't try to keep him from), time will only tell.

People have to experience things, a lot of different things, and have a lot of different choices, before settling on THE ONE person for them. A person at the age of 18 really hasn't had that opportunity. He really, really hasn't. He might have had a harder life than some, or been more of an outcast at school, or been more intelligent than his friends, thus seeking older people to converse with, but he really hasn't had an opportunity to experience relationships. Therefore, he's going to be very excited about a lovely woman, even an older one, interested in being with him. He's not going to turn that down at all costs. Why? Because the stakes aren't that high for him. He could go on his merry way a few years from now, after promising you eternity, and you'd be crushed, and he'd be on to his next adventure. Does that make him bad? Not at all. It makes him 18.

I caution women who befriend young men to just be that...friends. Unless you're perfectly capable of having a sexual relationship with this young man and not getting attached, it's a very iffy situation. Be honest with yourself. What are the odds here, and why are you really in it? Don't expect things out of him that he won't be able to fulfill. It isn't fair to either of you, and you'll both come out of it feeling lousy.

rabbit, its funny your guy used lyrics, when I was still trying to convince David that we shouldn't tell anyone, yada yada, we had one of our first fights. Since we were still long distance, it was over the phone, of course. He told me he couldn't talk to me, turned this song on, and laid the phone down on his stereo, when the song was over, hung up. I was in total tears by then, caved on going public, and went from there. Jlo, by the way.

Talk About Us

I saw you and fell in love
You saw me and fell in love, too
You and me; we fell in love with each other last night
I told you I was concerned
You told me of your concerns, too
Yet and still we both decided
To make love last night
Baby, please tell me

[CHORUS:]
Where do we go from here my love
What are we doing baby
Boy you gotta let me know
Why can't we live the way we want
I want the world to know
I just gotta let it show
What do we stand to lose
If being together
Is what we choose
Oh my love
I think that we should talk
About us

Could this be a crazy dream
And if so then you're dreaming too
'Cause I know for sure that
You feel the same as I do
Could it be that we could be wrong
Even though we're feeling so right
I don't care because I know
That I want you tonight
And I know you want me too

[CHORUS ]

[BRIDGE:]
You see all my live I've waited
Waited all my life
Just to be with someone like you

[CHORUS ]

Oh yeah, don't necessarily worry about the going clubbing thing. Some people honestly don't like it.
We were in Vegas, for David's 21st, with another couple with the same age span as ours. Outside of Coyote Ugly, for pete's sake, those young guys, who have very similar personalities, dug in their heels, and refused to go in, TOO LOUD. Its Coyote Ugly!! Its supposed to be loud!
Nope, no Coyote Ugly.
I've tried to introduce him to going out, he sits and gripes about the smoke, and the noise, and the stuff he could be doing at home.
Kareoke? Ok, this is fun, but, he says, it's ten, can we go home?
To him a big night is being able to game till midnight, cause he doesn't work the next day.
He likes to go out for dinner, and a movie, and a margarita, and then, its ten, lets go home.
Old fuddy duddy.

Hi Rabbit,
Your definitely not alone here, and like its already been said, many of us have gone through the thoughts of "robbing them of being with someone their own age". Its funny we dont miss being with someone our age, but somehow we thing THEY will. They love us for US just like we love them for who they are, which is still hard for me to grasp at times. Maybe when your in a large age gap its more of an issue . Im 63 and my y/m is 32 so its pretty natural I think that I feel at times he would rather be with a sexy babe his own age. I told him that and he said " no, I have what I want. To lose you and have someone else you think I should have, would be about the same as if I lost my parents ( hes very close to them) and someone said ," dont worry we have some even younger and better to replace them with that youll love even more".
My y/m said " No body could replace them or take their place or be someone I would prefer and thats how I feel about you. I dont want a substitute or someone you think would be better for me, I love YOU and without you part of me would die. "
Ya cant argue with that.
I say follow your heart. I did and I dont regret one minute of it. :D

Polly,


I think your reply was right on the money!

R.

Thanks Captain R, I think I am too! I just hope enough other people see or think about red flags before they go too far and get hurt.

Rabbit, here are some other things to consider:

I've been in an AGR for 5 years, so I know a little bit about the subject, I'm engaged, and we met locally. One of the most important things about any relationship, and certainly an AGR, is that your ym has his friends and family, that you haven't totally isolated him. Now, supposing that you haven't, and he has those things and everyone is comfortable with the idea, what are you going to feel like around his friends? Can you see yourself going to parties with him? Has he put off social events and opportunities because you wouldn't fit in? Have you done the same for him?

This can only last so long. I'm sure the fireworks are hot and heavy right now, but in a couple of years, life is going to set in, and you're going to be 42 going to college frat parties. I mean, if you can do it, then GREAT, and the same for him hanging out with your friends, but I think it's a very subdued, constricted situation when the ym loses touch with his friends and family and you do as well. There are people in our lives who have always been there, and WILL always be there, through Hell and high water, and we can't just ignore these people because we met someone who makes us feel good, but might not be right for us for other reasons.

My final, and most important point is, "Are you two in the same life stage?" This is so important, whether there is an age gap or not. "What are your lifestyles like, what do you both want for the future, does he know if he'll ever want children or not?" These are very important questions that you need to address before letting this thing become very serious. People can say that their young man doesn't like this or that, but you're talking about YOUR younger man. Some women move their ym away from their friends and family, to live far away, and he really doesn't have much else to do, which I also don't think is healthy. If you're local though, it's a different ballgame. You can't take him away from his life just to be with you. It's not fair and it's not right. I can appreciate how much you feel for this guy, but you're the older, more experienced one here, and you have to really dig down and search your soul to do what is right for the both of you.

If you can comfortably fit into his life, and he can into yours, and everyone for the most part is okay with it, then by all means, explore this option. But if you see a lot of opposition, and he himself is unsure about the future and what he wants, then don't go any further. It's just not worth it.

I reread what I said and what Polly said and what I said makes it sound like nothing else matters except how you "feel" I totally agree with Polly, I just meant in the end...after much concideration and thought and time, .go with your heart. BUT, believe me I took many many monthes to concider the things Polly mentioned that applied to myself, and then some, before I even concidered getting serious, and my y/m was already over 30 and knew what he wanted in life.
Sorry for such a frivolous original reply to you. I really had overlooked his age and all the added things need to seriously be concidered that you face that I didnt have to deal with.

Polly:

If I wasn't thinking of all of the things you brought up I would not have posted the way that I did. All of your points are valid and well stated, as well as many others who replied to my initial post. So I thank you all.

On the subject of him doing the club scene. We are from Canada
and the legal drinking age is 19, Al (My ym) looking a little older due to early growth of facial hair has been getting into bars since he was 16. He has done that and says it is not for him.

Am I looking for it to last?
Can't say it wouldn't be nice but realistically we have only been seeing each other for 6 months. I would say it is a little premature to be projecting that far into the future. So, right now it is one day at a time.

His friends?
I know most of them, they know me...they don't know about us. Could they handle it. Probably, since they are all friends of my son who tells me they all think I am hot. In fact when I would drop my son off at school his friends were asking to meet his sister......he doesn't have a sister. My son does know about us and thinks we are great together.

Would I want to hang out with them & party....NO, emphatically.

My Friends?
Think I am nuts anyway. I have never been a conventional person and I think for the most part their reaction would be ...there she goes again. I have always been an out of the box kind of person and I can't imagine any nastiness from these people, for the most part they may be a little concerned but I can see them accepting it.

Would Al want to hang out and party with them...I seriously doubt it.

Our Friends:

Yes, we have mutual friends. We are both artists, Al is a metal artist and I am a painter/Sculptor. We both are dancers. In fact that is how we started to get together. I teach a class for conditioning and flexibility training that Al took last year. The average age in my class is from 17 to 22 yrs. Al and another fellow were the only guys in it. Picture this, he spent 10 months in my class with about 20 young gorgeous hard bodies who can put their legs behind their ears and wants to be with the 40yr old instructor.

(Note: I am a professional and nothing began with us until the class was finished)

So in this way we are lucky I guess. The arts community is very open minded, filled with all kinds of people with different sexual orientations and from different schools of thought. I don't think we will get a lot of judgement from this sector.

So he has his friends, I have my friends and we have our friends.

I think that answers the lifestyles question as well.

Would I move him away?
Nope.

The sticky part may be his family and my family.

My parents have passed away ( quite some years ago). I am not certain how my siblings would react.

He has a lot of family in AGR, however we are the biggest "gap" so I am not sure. He seems to think it would be OK.

In any case, I do not want to put that out there until we have a a little more time together. No sense in upsetting the cart before we know if we want to persue this further.

Al says he does. I feel we should give it some time and really get to know each other first.


Now for the last part....if we do decide to stay together, how do we see the future.

-First, we both want to travel. In fact we have a trip to Scotland planned this comming July.

-How do we feel about children...does he want them...would I have more. Answer to this is yes on both counts.

Before you bring up the subject of being an older parent let me say that my parents were in their 50's when I came into their lives. I never felt that I missed out on anything because I had older parents. I would have to say that it was pretty great. I remember when I was 6 or 7, my mom took me on the Zipper at the fair and laughed so hard her false teeth fell out. She was in her 60's by then.

So, rest assured that even though this is new to me I am not about to behave rashly or act in an ill considered manner.

I appreciate your concern and wise words and thank you for taking the time to make such a conscienscous post.

Rabbit
(Who didn't just fall off the turnip truck)

http://www.heathersanimations.com/food/rote_zwiebel.gif




LOL havent heard that one for a while.

You sound like you have done a lot of thinking about your relationship.
I know everyone here who has replied to your post has done so with the desire to be of help, with advice or just to let you know were here for you, Nobody thinks you fell off the turnip truck hahahaha

Give it time. Six months is just six months. There's absolutely no doubt that it can work if you both want it too. And there's absolutely no doubt that there are times it will be a bit of a roller coaster.

These relationships aren't for every 18 years old or for every forty year old woman. They can be hard. There's no shame in deciding that one or both of you just can't do it.

But if you have a special connection, then in my mind, it is sad and tragic not to explore it a little more and see what is there.

You know the problems and they exist and will continue to exist. What you don't know is how your strengths as a couple will make it through some of these challenges.

So if you both want to, give it a try and see what happens. He may surprise you and you may surprise yourself :)

Try to give him as much space to grow and change as you can. It's a long road from 18 to adult and he does have to walk that road. But there's no reason he can't do it with you by his side.

And honestly think about whether, if it all ends in a few years, if it would have been worth it to you to have spent the time together.

If the answer is honestly yes, then you have everything to gain by giving it a shot.

Well rabbit, I'm impressed!:) You wouldn't believe how many women come on here and are in some sort of a mid-life crisis, and just cling to these guys hopelessly even though it's evident that the guys are just in it for the sex and experience, only to leave them crushed.

Your situation certainly doesn't sound like that.

And I DIDN'T mean to imply that you fell off of a turnip truck!:D

In any event, I still think it's important to respect the wishes of his family. I don't believe in an older woman coming between a younger man and his family. These people love him and care for him, have been there always, and if you're a good person and good for him, they'll see that. If there's a true reason for this relationship not being a good thing, they'll see that too.

Hi Rabbit!

I am a 36 yo, professional, educated, mom of four who is absolutely in love with my 19 year old b/f. We have been together for 17 months now. Both of our families are completely aware and accepting. We have mutual friends and are planning a wedding in January. My kids adore him and he loves them.

My mom was just telling me last night how wonderful Devon is and how much she and my sisters love him. She said to me that they did not care one wit about his age and that they could see how happy we are together. She said that was good enough for her.

Can these relationships work? I believe so. Will it be a long hard road that may result in disappointment? Well maybe... nearly all relationships are a long, hard road that may result in disappointment. The depressing fact is that most relationships do end. The further depressing fact is that more than 50% of all marriages do end.

The one thing I know for myself is that when I plan for something's end... it ends. When I expect failure, I receive failure. I believe in my partner and myself. I love him and I am planning for our success.

Trust yourself and your man... nobody here or anywhere can either see your individual future (not to mention their own ;))... nor can anyone assure you of a happy, successful relationship.

But perhaps the best, most hopeful words you can hear is that likewise no one knows that your relationship will not bring you and your partner a lifetime of happiness, joy, and fullfillment. It would be a shame to pass that up for nearly any reason.