Age

OK. Here's a question.

As you grow older in your relationships, have you ever felt that with some of the changes that naturally occur that you want to "be" more your age?

The thought that is running through my head today (partially as a result of being dragged to a grad student barbeque) is that sometimes I get tired of of feeling like 40 is a liability that I must shrug off i.e. not act my age - even when I WANT to.

I'm not horrified to be 40. Not at all. And no, I don't look like it nor do I act like it the majority of the time. But sometimes I feel like it. My joints creak and I want to nest a little and not walk for miles and miles and stay up all night and go to parties with twenty-somethings. And I feel guilty and then I get so pissed off that I should even have these guilty feelings.

And no, he's not saying anything or doing anything to make me feel this way. It's all me. But it's making the next 10 years look pretty bloody exhausting.
I didn't feel this way AT ALL five years ago - ever. I didn't sense any difference in our energy levels or the things we liked to do.

But all of a sudden, I feel it, acutely, and there is an anger that goes along with it that just has me wanting out. That has me wanting people my own age suddenly.

Anybody else ever feel this?

It may just be a mood and I know that I'm cranky tonight and PMSSY and so on, but this is such a weird and uncharacteristic feeling that I'm not sure WHAT to do with it.

Hence ....... here it is.

Ring any bells?

when i feel my age so to speak, and it drums up some insecurity in my head i think of the twenty something wemon i do know and not to be catty or *****y, they have a list of their own faults also, no matter who we are we all have limitations.

when i walked thru rome this summer and was completely blistered and exhausted, it was my younger husband who bought cleanser and band aids and doctored my tootsies on the bus back home, i had walked most of the weekend and didnt realize how blistered i was, my back went out of wack and i was in agony, i am fit and dont weigh much but i pushed it too far. i felt old, but his reaction was that he loved me because he knew i was tired but still went on for his happiness, it was true and i did not look at it like that until i put the shoe on the other foot, i know he would have done the same, so i suppose we compromise but dont even realize it because we love our partners. even with same age couples there will be compromise.

40 somethings are no eutopia either..... like i said we all have out limitations.

DS, part of the problem may be that you're not so much pissed about the age thing, as you're just dealing with being angry at HIM. And its getting transferred to the age thing, cause, after all, that's the most obvious reason.
He put you through some hellish heartbreak and if things have settled some, perhaps that's what's happening.
And now, if he's not giving you a reason for it, its hard to let him have it, and burn it off.
I went through that bigitime when David and I were having our bump, luckily, it was while we were still in counselling and he helped me recognize what it was I was dealing with. I was so angry at him for having hurt me, it was incredible.
I know you're getting tired of being told to "ride it out", but really, I still think you should for a while, for whatever my opinion is worth.
You love him yet, he loves you yet, this is not a dead relationship.
Do something to make you sweat, some arobics, or something, I exercised more during that time, than I have in the rest of my life put together, and it really did help. Burns off those stress chemicals that are floating around in your body causing havoc.
I'd go to the Y, put headphones on, put a cardio program on the treadmill, and shut my eyes, and go till my legs were jelly.
I just don't want you to get so unsettled and frustrated with this, that you chuck it before you're sure.

I can so relate to the grad party story! Robin, as you oldsters know, goes to a semi-annual campout his friend Andy has at his grandmother's farm up the road, and Robin goes and stays the whole weekend, getting drunk and stoned (two things he doesn't normally do, especially around the kids) and just lets loose. It's mostly mid to late twenty-somethings who are just now getting married and having babies. Some of them aren't even there yet. Robin's best friend has a girlfriend who is only 18. I don't have a lot in common with Robin's best friend (Ryan), but I have even less in common with his girlfriend. She's a freshman at college and living a totally different life. We've had them over to our house a couple of times, and it was okay, we watched comedies, drank some beers, things were fine, but there was not a lot of in-depth conversation.

So here I am at this campout, and I'm hanging out with the guys, because Ryan's girlfriend is not my type, Andy's girlfriend is a flat-out b!tch, unless you're kissing her a$$, and I really didn't know anyone else. The one girl who really connects with me, Julie, wasn't there. She prefers me to anyone else, and she's only 25. The guys were humorous as usual, but as always, the guys go off on their own, and the girls all have their own little huddle, and I felt sort of lost. I told Robin I had to go back home (which I did need to do, the kids were home and I didn't plan on leaving them all night) but the real reason I was leaving after only 2 hours was because I felt so misplaced. As I was leaving, he said, "I realize this isn't really your crowd, but thanks for not minding that I stay." And I really didn't mind...he was having a good time, and he SHOULD stay.

When Robin came home later, I told him that and he said, "Well you could have just hung out with the guys." and I said, "Well, not really." I feel that I would have cramped their style.

The funny thing is, Robin loves hanging out with my friends, and they all are so accomodating to him. I guess that comes with age. Even the guys take him off with them when they do their "guy" huddle. He fits perfectly into my crowd, it's no skin off his nose.

When I look back on the campout, I wish I had made more of an effort to fit in. I guess I was feeling bummed out because I had missed my high school reunion, which was this same night, and was really wanting to be with those people who knew me when.

The bottom line is, I AM 41, I'm going to BE 41, and I'm not ashamed of it. This is WHO I AM. He either wants it or doesn't, his choice, but I'm not going to pretend to be any younger and talk about college and boyfriend troubles when it doesn't interest me. The only reason I'd want to talk about college is to get a feel for what I need to do for my kids! LOL I want to talk about mortgages, defiant teens, prepubescent girls, health problems, money issues...you know, OLD PEOPLE stuff! :D I used to get paranoid when I talked about that stuff in front of Robin, as if somehow he'd suddenly realize I'm OLD, but now I'm like, "Hey, this is the stuff I want to talk about...get used to it!"

I am having issues too being 30 and hanging out this past weekend with 21 year olds at a college campus. I know 30 isn't old at all, but I find myself second guessing what to wear out, how to act, how to answer the question "What is your major, or how old are you". Most people thought I was a student there so the age question didn't come up much, but when it did I would look at my boyfriend and his friends and respond 22! Sometimes I get sick of the "Oh my god, you're 30? I hope I age that well when Im 30" <gagging> So it's hard cause I feel like I can't totally let loose which is what I would do with my 30 something friends, but when I am with the youngin's I feel i need to act my age or they will think something is wrong with me, like, geez is she trying to re live her youth? Or, what is wrong with her, something has to be, a 30 year old hanging out with college kids.

But somewhere between the age questions, and the "whats your major" questions, I did a 30 second keg stand that put all the kids to shame!!:D

I never felt that way in my forties...I started feeling that way when I got to 50. Oh well. :)

DS, if it makes you feel any better, I accused STu of being gay this month when I had PMS:)) And no, it wasn't rational:)

Its ok...I know the whole socialising with 20-somethings can be annoying (I can sooo relate). But most people in their 30's and 40's have children and its even harder to socialise with them. I'd be lucky to hold any of my 30 or 40-something's friend's or family's attention for even a nanosecond....talk about unfullfilling relationships! Its great being around them, but the whole parenting thing is such a barrier.

Anyway, I agree with bella...you're entitled to your anger and it may take some time to subside. I hope he's being really nice to you in the meantime...that was some scare he gave you!

All the best, Bel

Originally posted by Bella_D
DS, if it makes you feel any better, I accused STu of being gay this month when I had PMS:)) And no, it wasn't rational:)


LOL Bella.... I can't help but laugh..but it's amazing what we do and say when we are PMS'ing...:)

I prefer to socialize with 20-somethings. The comment about children/families is very accurate--it is nearly impossible to have an interaction with a friend who is focused on his/her children and only 1/5 listening to you or even noticing your existence. 20 somethings also seem less into the acquisitive side of things, talking about their new Escalades, Motorhomes, etc.

I'm not a huge fan of late nites out unless their is a band I like playing. If he absolutely, positively has to go out (and hes 27 and so more or less pass the need to 'club') and I don't want to, I tell him I'm leaving the door unlocked if he wants to come home (while we don't live together, he does refer to coming here as home) afterwards. This seems to work out well--I don't get irritable because of being somewhere I don't want to be, and he has the freedom to do it if he wants (which he usually decides against anyway) which ensures he doesn't lose face with his friends (by being whipped, or whatever the equivalent is)

Hey guys...

As you can see I split this thread so we can get this back on track to Deserts question on age :)

I made another thread of the other posts :)

Thanks!!
Meredith

is that when I was in my 40's, all of a sudden I started having spells of fatigue. It would hit me and all I could do is go to bed and rest. I thought that this was it... old age was around the corner.

Well I found out that I was "peri-menopausal" which for me was worse than menopause. I thought the "change" happened when you ceased having periods, but for most of us, it is the time BEFORE that this happens.

Now in my 50's, if I am not in a flare for a chronic condition I have, I have more energy similar to what I had in my 30's. My girlfriend has had the same experience.

So those of you in your 40's, if you think that this could be you, go get an FSH test. Usually, greater than 50 could mean that you are experiencing hormone imbalance. So it will tell you if you are peri-menopausal or not. There is treatment available. Just FYI from older sister. :D

I agree totally Barbara. I finally had my hormone levels tested (though I had not really lost energy levels, but just had a sort of nagging kinda something is wrong feeling), and found that a number of them were not where the needed to be. I have found a wonderful doctor that adjusts hormone levels (including insulin and thyroid ... like all of them), and I am beginning to feel just like I did in my 20's. :) It makes ALL the difference, trust me ...

I have a thread in the health area where I go into the subject more than I will here ... but it is something to check out ...

princessdy

Hiya everyone,

Sorry I've been out of touch for a few days. I've been busy and doing hit-and-miss posting, if at all, and this one required some thought and time.

Said party was pretty dreadful. I didn't mention it, but one of the highlights was listening to bunch of folks confiding their trepidations about turning 25!

Argh. Gag me with a spoon as we used to say way back when :)

Bella is right, of course. I am looking for excuses, and as was perhaps predictable, I made threatening noises the next night, and then took it all back in the morning. In the wake of that, we did have another long talk, and honestly, it does feel like this latest one was stronger, clearer and more productive than any we've had so far. (If at first you don't succeed, try again, eh?)

At least for me, I'm getting a lot clearer on what's going on with me. It isn't "really" the age thing, although I don't need the "Omigod, 25" crap AT ALL, what it is - is the pressure that I can't seem to help putting on myself to recapture the wonderfulness that we had in order to demonstrate "why this relationship should be saved". And not really for his benefit, but for mine. Because I don't like the feeling of trying to "hang on to something". Sometimes it really feels lame.

And the truth, of course, is that that kind of pressure is the last thing in the world that leads to joy and wonderfulness :p

So we talked and I'm getting pretty clear that I can EITHER work on letting go and moving on with my life or I can work on rejuvenating the relationship, but it is totally impossible to work on both at the same time. And when you try to do impossible things, you get to feeling cranky and old :p

So the upshot seems to be that he's not moving out (since I keep throwing him out and he doesn't leave - lol) - and that we ARE working on rejuvenating the relationship. And honestly, we probably had the nicest evening that we've spent together in a long time. Which helps, alot, with making all the melodrama feel worthwhile. And I guess, to some degree, that we're BOTH lucky to be in a situation where we CAN both vent and be irrational and not sink the ship. I'm not sure where I'd be if I hadn't had the freedom to dump his *** twice in the last two months - lol.

Part of the age reality is that at this point in his career, he isn't just "socializing", he's also networking in the small, incestous community in which he works and to some degree, he HAS to do this right now. It isn't always that he'd "prefer" to be at the "Omigod, 25" parties. It's just that it's necessary in order to maintain relationships that will eventually affect hiring and work opportunities for him. EVERYTHING in this field is about teamwork and recommendations and collegial work environments. But that doesn't mean I have to. So I am taking a bit of a sabbatical from these things, kissing him on the head and sending him off, and hanging out with MY friends. And if he has a seemingly invisible girlfriend, well so what!

YR, thank you, sweetheart. Yes, I have had hormonal imbalances most of my life (always had irregular periods) and it is very possible that turning 40 has shifted things internally a bit. I get lazy about doctors and medication, because I've generally been pretty healthy, but maybe it's time to check things out again and readjust. He's also a major believer in sleep deprivation and I am learning to just frigging go to bed when I'm tired. Not everyone thrives on 5 hours of sleep a night.

Sal ..... It's really so funny. I remember my incredible frustration and ambivalence about moving in and marrying my husband in my early twenties because I felt like the "stability" was a terrible trap and the beginning of a long downward slide towards bourgeouis existence. Not that he was all that bourgeouis, but I found a way to worry about it. Apparently, I haven't changed AT ALL. I'm still worrying about it. The more things change ......

Well, that's a most inconclusive update, but it's all I have for the moment.

Later .....

Dave and I were laying in bed last night talking about your post. We concur with Polly that it is the life stage that is important and not the age. This is the main problem with falling in love with someone in their late teens and early 20's. They simply are in a different place than you are and it makes it a rough ride at times.

As you've said you only have two choices -- work on it...or walk away. I've been faced with the same thing (as has Dave) and we opted to work on it. If you choose to work on it be prepared for hard work and some tears as the two of you adjust your lives to each other. Working on a relationship isn't always fun, which is why there are so many divorces.

You will find that working on your relationship will bring you much closer together. The heat of newness will be gone, but in its place will be a steady warmth and a feeling a security for both of you. I can tell you from experience that it's worth the effort to work things through together. We look back at the years of misunderstandings, tears, fights and illness and realize that we are truly One now. It's an amazing feeling. I hope that the two of you can do it.

Peace,
Jane

It looks like you've resolved, mostly, what's really underlying your question about age/life stage DS. I don't really have a big reason to post except that it's pretty cool we did get the LTR section as proposed (yeah I haven't been around a lot lately) and I felt like posting in it! Heh. And, that the musings on this thread got me to thinking about my own situation. (It's our 1-year anniversary of living happily together, yay! :))

I think in general that the "same life stages" theory is largely valid - and those people posting about not having much in common with parents their age is SO true of us. We don't have kids, so the kid-obsessed (my sister is one), near -either- of our ages, are just...not our thing. And my honey has physical injuries from his past that slow -him- down at times. He's both smart and mature enough that he doesn't hang out with really immature people, which is good...he was real wild when he was younger, I gotta say.

(I want to note here though that just because some of us older gals are at a similar stage as our YM, stages in a life aren't always logically chronological. Some people get Old before they get Young...)

It was the funniest thing though a few weeks ago...we were sitting on the bed; my dear one was arranging his stamp collection and I was knitting. He laughed and pointed out that we were Old People! He jokes that he's a 60-year-old man at times, and I guess he can be in certain situations. Mostly though, we can both be Old and we can both be Young. I think that is one major "secret" of us working out so well.

I hear you about the academic schmoozing tho DS...it was one thing I never cared for when I was in grad school myself. Yeah...guess that game has to be played. You know though, part of the reason many academics fear the age of 25 is, they haven't -lived- yet, and they know it! Plus, at that point, many will have to leave the ivory nest and they're not sure what to think of the prospect. ;)

well, i have an interesting thing to report here.

i had been suffering from low back pain, sometimes excruciating, for over a year. My b/f broke up w/me last week, and I have not had one iota of pain since.

i always knew there was a big emotional compoment to back pain, but i was on the way to the neurosurgeon it was so bad. now i'm cancelling my appt with him tomorrow, and my body feels really different....freed up and loose again....amazing.

i had no idea i was carrying so much of the weight of the relationship....