how to deal with stepchild

i am not sure where to start, so forgive me if i ramble....

Mark is the best man i ever met. he is everything i ever wanted and a million things i never knew i couldnt live without. i fully intend on spending the rest of my life with this man, and he feels the same about me. our relationship is absolutely wonderful, with one exception... his ten year old son.

some background info. i have a 14 year old daughter. he has a 12 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. my daughter is with us full time and never sees her father. his children are with us three days a week. we have both been divorced a little over a year. we were in a ldr for several months before moving in together about 3 months ago.

marks daughter and mine have become very close. they are constantly together on days when we have his kids, and on days they are with their mother, they spend most of their time on the phone to one another. my daughter has even slept over at their mothers house. his son on the other hand, is becoming a problem

he blames my daughter for everything, even things that dont exist. for instance, the other day, he came out of the bathroom saying that she stopped up the toilet. when i went in and flushed, it was fine. he claims that his dad likes my daughter better than them, and that he does more for her and buys her more. my daughter DOES get more than they do, but there are a couple of reasons for that...

1. because i married a psycho, we have been on the run for over a year. moving from state to state has meant that she has had to leave a lot of possessions behind. when we got here, she pretty much had just the clothes on her back. now that we are in a stable home, and dont have to worry about the ex, i am trying to give her what normal children have.

2. she is here more than they are, and she does more housework. i feel she should be rewarded for the extra work, so I give her money. their dad doesnt give it to her, i do.

anyway, his son says mean things to and about my daughter, and tries his best to get her in trouble. to marks credit, he doesnt listen to what is said most of the time, but he also doesnt realize how much it bothers my child. when it comes to his son, i am afraid to bring anything up again, because he gets very defensive. after all, these are his kids, and as a parent i know how protective you can get when someone is critisizing your child. i want to deal with the situation between them myself, especially when mark is at work and i am alone with them, but part of me feels it isnt my place. besides, i dont really know what to do to handle it. any ideas?

to top it off, my daughter told me today that his son has grabbed her boob and smacked her butt, which is TOTALLY inappropriate. i told her that when he does this she needs to tell mark immediately so he can stop it, but i feel there should be something I can do....i dont know what i am asking for here, i guess i just needed to vent and get some advice on how to handle this situation. any ideas?

Hmmmm....

Where to begin?

First off, if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with Mark, I would highly recommend that you start adopting the "all *our* kids are equal" viewpoint. The reasons?

1.) You're a blended family now. You and Mark need to learn to co-parent *together* and you need to coordinate this with Mark's ex. All three of you need to be on the same page. Get together and talk about what is acceptable behavior and how unacceptable behavior will be reprimanded. ALL three of you need to be consistent. It's best for the kids in the short-term and long-term and it's best for the three of you as well as your exclusive relationship with Mark.

You'll alleviate that awkward feeling of defensiveness that any parent would get if you start disciplining his/her child.

2.) While I understand your daughter may have been through a lot, all of you are in the very early stages of learning to live with each other. When one child "appears" favored in the other children's eyes, it causes anger and resentment. Don't add to the difficulty of the acceptance that everyone needs to do by evoking feelings that are negative. All of you have enough on your plate right now.

The reason I believe Mark's son is "acting up" is because your daughter, in *his* eyes, has taken *his* place in his sister's eyes. When they used to go to Mom's for four days, it was just him and her. Now when the go, it's still him and her, but *now* his sister is always on the phone with her *other* sister. In essence, he was nudged from his positon of being closest to his sister.

He blames her for everything because he's really blaming her for taking his sister away but he doesn't have the cognitive capablity to verbalize it.

Is this something you should discuss with a ten year old? No.
Just be aware of it and tell your daughter and his older sister that this may be going on and to help him feel like he still belongs.

Be careful not to ostracize Mark's son by favoring the two girls and encouraging your daughter to go to Mark to "tell" on her little brother's behavior. This sends the message to your daughter that Mark's son is *different* and not *your* responsiblity. When your daughter tells you something happened, encourage her to come back and tell *you and Mark about it together* once Mark gets home--this reinforces the idea you and Mark are working together.

Good luck with this.

Be patient, consistent and most of all remember that these things take *time*

It will be worth the effort.

Peace,
thatgirl

first, let me say i am not encouraging my daughter to "tell on"his son! when he touches her in inapropriate ways, though, i think mark should be told then and there, because if his son has time to think things through, he WILL try to get out of it, like any ten year old. if you catch it right then, he usually admits it and then there is no problem of who to believe...

as for thinking in terms of "our" children and not buying my daughter extras... 2 of "our children" have computers, cd players, toys, skates, and a closet full of clothes...1 of "our" children came into this with two pairs of jeans and three shirts. she has now added an extra two pairs of jeans, several shirts, a stuffed animal (which i went back and bought two more of) and a personal cd player. should i allow her to go without just because his children already have? the son seems to think that if i spend X dollars on her, i should also spend X dollars on him, even if he already has what i got her.

coordinating with the ex is a possibility, although that all has to be done through mark, as she wont even meet me. she made up her mind from the moment she heard about me that she didnt like me, and doesn't have any desire to give me a chance to change her mind. she and mark are supposed to go to his daughters therepy appointment this week to talk about the rules being the same at both houses, so maybe that will help some, especially if i am allowed to enforce them.

thank you for your input. i may not agree with all of it, but i do appreciate it, and you have given me some things to think about.

"...first, let me say i am not encouraging my daughter to "tell on"his son! when he touches her in inapropriate ways, though, i think mark should be told then and there, because if his son has time to think things through, he WILL try to get out of it, like any ten year old. if you catch it right then, he usually admits it and then there is no problem of who to believe..."

Wait, wait, wait!!!

You're being waaaaayyyyyy too sensitive to everything I've said.

What I meant was when a problem happens with Mark's son, you two TOGETHER should hear about it from the source and TOGETHER should deal with it with his son. It sends the message that you are UNITED in your parenting.

Does that make sense?

In regard to "catching up" your daughter on items she needs. Try to present it in a way that shows the other kids that your daughter is in *need*

Stress that it is *not* a luxury item you're giving her.

The key is to *ease* all the feelings that may arise when you're blending families--that's the key.

Honestly, something I don't understand is how you can let your daughter stay at Mark's ex's house when she won't even meet you.

I'm really glad Mark and his ex are going to therapy for this.

It's sooooooo important that all of you are on the same page with this and it's honestly not for your guys sake--it's what's in the best interest of the kids.

I'm sorry if I offended you.

I hope things work out.

Peace,
thatgirl

I'm not offended. Like i said, you have given me some things to think about, and i fully agree with WHY you say he is acting out. the girls exclude him alot, and i try to make up for it by spending more time with him, playing video games etc.... but i am sure he feels he has been replaced. also, both children would rather be here than at their mothers, and i think he is a bit jealous that my daughter gets to spend all her time here and he doesnt.

i let my daughter stay there because even though she has a pre-formed opinion about me, i know his ex would never take it out on my daughter. she has been very nice to my daughter, taking her skating and to the movies with the other children. from what the children and mark say, i really think she is a good person. she has her issues, just like we all do. i only wish she would give me half a chance to change her mind... we actually have a lot in common, and it would be better for all involved if we at least got along.

thanks for the added advice.... i need all the help with this one i can get, because even though i try to NEVER show it, i am starting to resent his son a little because when he is here, everything revolves around HIM and the problems we are having with him. makes it harder to adjust when we cant focus on ALL of us as a family.