Comments? Suggestions? Advice!!!

Hi -
I'm new to this forum, found it via google. I read some of the posts and am hoping that someone with some experience can help me out -- I'm quite confused and not sure exactly what to do....
Some facts....
I was in a relationship w/a 10 year age gap. (Me 39, Him 29). We stopped seeing each other after a few months because he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. (she is the same age as him). Anyway, by his telling, the relationship with the Ex was quite volatile with a lot of arguing and fighting. When he told me he still had feelings for her, he was very honest and said he didn't understand why, but felt he owed it to himself to find out if they could make it work. And he didn't want to continue with me, when he still had these feelings for her.
So, fast forward a few months.....
I get a call from Him(W), and he wants to have lunch. I said sure, but didn't follow up. I thought that if he really wanted to have lunch, he would make an effort.
A few weeks later......
I get a phone call from W saying he really misses me, and he thinks he is waking up next to the wrong person in the morning. (funny because he told me the same thing).
I let him know that I was still interested, because he truly was the most compatible man I've dated, regardless of age. He had stopped seeing the Ex again because of the arguing and because he missed me.
A few weeks later.......
He came over last night (I had a party), and stayed longer than anyone else. We talked a bit about where things are, and where they might go. He told me that when he was around me, he feels at peace but he's not sure what his feelings are. He likes me a lot, thinks he wants to be with me, is sexually attracted to me and enjoys my company......
Last but not least -- he is at the beginning of his career (starting his own law firm); and I am well esconced in my career. As of now, I probably earn 10 times what he does. I wonder if that's in issue too?
So do I put positive pressure on him to try and resume/restart dating? Do I explore the issues of age and money with him? (BTW he says the age difference doesn't bother him).
Thanks!
Charlotte

Hi Charlotte, and welcome to Agelesslove!


I don't know if I would call it positive pressure, but I do think that you two need to now sit down and have a "now what" conversation. Sounds like you've begun to do that, but maybe you need to just ask him right out, "what is it that you want to do?" Then go from there.

He does sound wishy washy, but sometimes we all are as we decide what we really want. I am surprised that even though he is drawn to you, that he doesn't exactly know what his feelings are. But, seems to me that the only way for him to know is to explore those feelings. I sure hope that he doesn't turn out to be the kind of guy who always has to have a woman in his life while he's sorting out what he's feeling for the last, or even current, one.

About the career thing. I don't really see what the issue is there. But, the only way you'll know if he has concerns about that is to just ask him.

Best of luck to you. Am looking forward to getting to know you better. :)

I think I'm most afraid that he's one of they type of men who "needs" a woman in his life. That really makes me nervous -- and the other thing that makes me nervous is that from what he's told me -- his ex and I have dramatically different personalities. I don't like to fight -- I like to talk about things, and I am not a nagger/whiner kind of person.

He is drawn to me, but maybe because I'm just soooo different, I think it's a good thing but..........sigh...........

As for the money thing -- It's really just my intuition saying it's an issue for him. I do trust my intution for most things, but for matters of the heart it's not always as good as it is for other things.

Thanks a lot...

I like this forum -- everyone is trying so hard to have positive loving relationships. It's nice to see instead of the typical "I hate men/women" stuff.

Grace and peace,
Charlotte

It's definitely time for a "now what" kind of conversation.

I hear you, though, on worrying about the money thing. It CAN be a bone of contention for some men. It can be ingrained in their psyche from childhood on that they should be the providers and some men have a major problem being with an established woman. They fear being chastized by their peers for being gold diggers with a Sugar Momma. :o Even though, in most cases, that couldn't be further from the truth. But, it can be an issue... it doesn't HAVE to be an issue.

If he decides to be with you, though, I think that in your what now conversation you should tell him that if he really does care for you, he'll not jerk you around...

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I know it isn't easy and a good long heart-to-heart with him is truly the answer to finding out what it is you both want and hope to achieve by dating again.

Good luck to you, Charlotte, and welcome to ageless.
~phosphorescent

Being positive doesn't mean lying on the floor and letting him walk all over you.

He does sound wishy washy...and he did leave you for someone else...he would have a long road back to my good graces before he's allow back. He realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side, but hey, he can always come back to you and pick up where he left off, if he plays it right.

Unfortunately, we're not mind readers, so be very careful, our inituition can be clouded over by our emotions and having a man in our life. He knows how you feel, he may even know which buttons to push for you to take him back. He's got nothing to lose.

If he had left on me, I would most definitely tell him to make sure this is what you wants, because once the door is close its close, no matter what I feel. I'm will not play second fiddle to anyone. life is too short to hang around a guy who might leave me again on another whim. So I say be sure this is what you want, because as you get to love him more and more, if he leaves you again, the pain will be alot worst. Yes, people deserve second chances when you know that the odds will be in your favor.

good luck
Paris

For the insight. Paris, I think you may have hit the nail on the head with emotions clouding my intuition. I really hope this isn't a "girl(grass) is greener thing. He called tonight, but I didn't answer-- thank goodness for caller id. I just don't want to talk to him until my head clears up a bit.
Peace and Grace,
Charlotte

i think we have all made our share of mistakes with relationships, possibly he realizes that you have what he wants. it does seem that he needs to come clean with his feelings to the person he is with, if it is not working and he truly realizes that he must move on then it needs to be finished as respectably as possible because his current girlfriend deserves that.

many people are not wired to wait long after a relationship ends, it is just not how they are and i accept that, there is no prefect time table since everyone is different.

honesty is key, start from a good place, find out truly what split you up in the first place, if you and the girlfriend are so different then what is he looking for? he cant have a combination of both, if the relationship was volitile then why did he stay? what were her attributes that kept him around? what was the real reason he left you for her? what are the real reasons he is leaving her for you, if you know these answers and be able to live with the truth then go for it, but nagging doubts raise their ugly heads into resentments and come out when problems arise in the relationship, and all relationships have difficult periods.