communication problems

Okay I know that I have some communication problems, I want to be the perfect girlfriend sometimes so I hold back some things when I shouldn't. Dan's bday is next Sunday and he said he has so much to do the week after that he can't come home from school (he previously told me he doesn't celebrate his birthday, he just doesn't usually do anything special). So he is not coming home for the weekend. Which bothers me. I want to see him on his birthday, it's important to me. So after talking to my friend about it I wrote him this message in email, and haven't heard back from him yet. I know he has a lot going on at school but am I being unreasonable?

TO Dan:
it bothers me that I can't see you for your bday, I want to see you. I know you don't care about your bday but I do, it's important to me. It's going to be your birthday and I love you and want to share it with you and make it special for you. It's been bothering me since you mentioned that you will be too busy to see me on your birthday. I understand you are in school now, and have a lot of stressors, but I a willing to drive out to see you for it. Anytime that you can put aside for me I will come and see you. I want to. Can we figure something out?

Okay I really need to work on my communication, cause after writing that, I thought of about 10 other things that are bothering me. HELP!!! Do you think I have too much time on my hands??

I think the thing that drives me the most nuts, is that I chose this. This is all my doing. This wasn't supposed to be a relationship, I thought it was just going to be a summer thing, then he started showing all these feelings. I sound like I am not appreciative, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's so hard. I come home from work, go work out, come home eat dinner and think hmmm should I call him, and I stare at my phone for an hour. I don't want to bother him because he is sooo busy at school, and he is also on a sports team that he plays in and donates a ton of time to for fund raising. So he really is busy. But all the evil monsters enter my brain and tell me things like, he isn't calling you, he is becoming more distant, he has a crush on someone at school and that is where his extra time is going. Or, he does have free time but chooses to be with his friends, and I know that he has to have some sort of a social life there, I am not trying to take that away from him or wish it away, he needs to even though he will only be there for this year. Otherwise he would be miserable. He told me that when he doesn't call it's not because he doesn't want to talk, but because he is so busy, and I have to stop there exit the demons and realize what he is saying is verbatim the truth and thats that. Why do women constantly read into things? I wish I could have surgery to stop me from thinking so much. It's not fair that we sit and wonder, ponder, read into things, worry, obsess, question, come up with scenarios in our heads. It sucks. And I'm already annoyed with myself..

Red, I am so sorry that this is hitting you so hard.

Dragonfly, your words had a lot of truth in them for me. When you wrote:He spent so much time trying to be perfect that what I ended up experiencing in the relationship was anything but perfection. He planned things to the point of distraction ... in his desire to be perfect I felt like I was being strangled ... suffocated by his ideas of what he thought I wanted. In reality . I think EVEN if Tim had not lied to me that we would have had a rough time making it. I mean he anticipated my every perceived need and it drove me nuts.

Now, Red you are not doing what Tim did, but I think Dragon's right, what we think a relationship SHOULD be is NOT always what our partner thinks it SHOULD be. What says "I love you" to you is not the same to him. So don't take it that he no longer loves you.

Also, it is always harder on the one left behind so to speak. He is going to experience new things while you are "left" so to speak in the same house with your memories.

I could handle the distance with Tim because my life was so wrapped up in taking care of my grandchildren full time. Now that it is no longer my responsibility, I am experiencing the need for more friends and activities. Please look into getting involved in something so that you are not always at home, looking out the window.

Keep posting too. We care and it helps us as well as you, to think these things through.
Hugs,
Barbara

I think the worst for me, is Sunday nights. It's like all I want to do is have cuddle time and lay in bed and relax with Dan. But it's not like he ever did that before, he was always busy, so if he came over Sunday nights he would not be able to stay long. I miss him so much. I feel a tightness in my chest and I am crying on and off. I have other issues going on too that are stressing me out. I have a health issue, and a career issue going on. Both I will not discuss with Dan because i dont want to stress him out. But, at the same time I can't get the comfort I need. And the more I stress I know it is not good for my health. Then I think when Dan was here he couldn't really spend too much time with me, he only spent two weekends with me the entire summer. It's because of his age difference and the fact that he lives at home. So then I think wil he and I ever be able to spend entire weeks at a time together. I remember before he left for school, we were laying on the couch and I said "I have an idea, you don't have to go to school, I will home school you" which we laughed about, then I said "when you graduate you shoudl live with your p's for 6 months and then you and I should get a place together" He shook his head no, and I said "No?" and he said "no I want that now" THIS IS HOW I KEEP GOING listenign to his words in my head over and over again. But, then I think, well he is young, does he even know what he is saying, does he know his heart from his *** yet?

I picked the wrong week to quit smoking!!

Red,

I am so sorry that you're having a hard time, especially not being able to see him on his birthday. Last November was Remi's first birthday that we went through apart and I have a feeling we'll still be apart this November. But, I'm going to make his next one with us together extra special. That's all I can do.

We're all in these LDR's because we have found someone worth waiting for. It's a very difficult thing to go through and not for the faint of heart. But, at the end, if there's commitment from both parties, there will be a huge reward. So, you have to remain focused on that reward. And, then take things one day at a time until then. Maybe you are right... maybe you don't have enough to do to keep you busy. Try some home remodeling like Dragonfly and I have been doing. ;) That'll keep your mind occupied -- at least a little.

Doesn't he graduate in May? And if so, has he made any long-term decisions about what he'll do then?

Just one more word of advice. Be careful and don't push him too hard about the distance. Remember that while he may not show it to you, he is probably hurting as much as you are about it. He may even feel guilty about being away from you while he finishes school. I just don't want you to end up inadvertently pushing him away because of your insecurities about it.

Some of the best advice I learned from another dear friend also in an AGR/LDR, is that it works much better for Remi and me if I don't whine to my partner about the distance. As a male, he thinks his job is to fix things and one thing he cannot fix right now is the distance. It just adds to his stress. She said always whine to friends instead. So, continue to come here and vent. We understand your pain and are here to support you.

((( hugs )))

I guess what is hard for me is yes, I am still here doing what i was doing when he left and he is off doing new things that keep him busy. But, the hard part is when I try to keep in contact with him and send him a card or email or call him and it isn't reciprocated right away, it pisses me off cause i feel like I am giving but not receiving. I have been really good lately just not letting him know how much I am crying over this distance or how I spend 2 hours on this site and in my journal trying to sort my feelings. I have tried to be upbeat and happy. Last night he was on IM and kept saying how he wished I was there for his birthday. This makes me want to bang my head against the wall. I offered to come out there for his birthday but he didn't think he would have enough time to be with me, now he is regretting it? Or maybe he feels guilty I wasn't there, I dont know, and I dont get it.

I feel sad for you because I don't think you are getting much positive feedback from this relationship...not much nurturing. But that's the nature of being involved in a LDR and a relationship with a YM, and lack of maturity.

Maybe you could start to look around for other ways to be nourished and see if that helps. He sounds young and confused. He's probably going to be that way for a while. I would think investing in some relationships with friends might be a nice thing to do for yourself right now. Good luck to you...

When I read Kat's reply last night, I was very sad. Because I do come here to vent, not to get answers or advice on if I should stay or go. If I didn't want to stay I would have left him a long time ago. I didn't read Kimmy's reply before she took it off.

I guess what I am saying is I don't need to be fixed, I just am looking to vent to other women who are going through the same thing as I am. It's not a bad relationship, nor is it abusive it is just what it is right now, long distance. And I know one day it won't be. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I am allowed to freak out and have crazy thoughts until that time. I think all of us are.

I felt very defensive with Kat's reply which is why I didn't write last night, I would have gotten into a mess on this posting. But, I do appreciate all views from all people. Some just don't make me feel as wanted than others. But, nothing is perfect and you can't always get what you want.

red, i was in a LD for 21 months, it sucks the big one.
*H* some days i thought i would completely crumble, and just felt so alone/isolated...
keep posting, talk/b*tch at us... we'll cry with you, one of us will prop you back up...

LD is not for the faint of heart...until you live it, no one!!!! can possible understand it...
hang in there... it will end...

Thanks for your support Christina, I really appreciate your words! I am 98% of the time positive, just had a rough couple of weeks, other issues popping up in my life and I am feeling more alone without him here. But, I can get through this. And if he and I can get through this, we can get through anything. I appreciate all your support!!

*nodding* yes, when you get through a LD, you can do anything!!! it can make for a very strong personal growth(albiet the sh*t days ;) ) and can make for an incredible relationship.


*L* our immigration lawyer had told us he had raised an eyebrow when he began getting internet LD couples going for immigration, he wondered WTF...then realized these people involved in a LD are light years ahead a "normal" relationship...all they can do is talk and they begin with a much better understanding of "who" their partner is, not having öther stuff"in the way. we kinda do it "backwards"...the downside, well you know the downside...

I never thought of immigration raising an eyebrow to that, but it does make sense. He may have thought it was a new way to bribe american's or something. Thats very interesting how common the LDR's are since internet. I wonder how many people have to go through LDR due to internet romance.

it opens up the whole world to you! for me it was me in the states, connecting with my now to be husband who lived in the netherlands.

LDR are brutal, but i remember reading an article, and lawyer confirmed it, being in a LD for 1 year, is equivalent to a relationship of 3 years of what is perceived as a "normal relationship". you don't have the benefit of dating, touching, kicking back... you talk. put in a lot of effort to connect, be there and meet in that damn little white box, and you talk, and talk. by the time you meet that person, you know them pretty darn well, then the other stuff gets brought into the relationship.

red, hang in there... circumstances are hard for you right now. the heart aches, and you want to lean. but distance, that can't be changed right now is in the way. you will get through it..

Hmmm. Wish I had had an opportunity to read Kimmy's post before she deleted it. There's always value in looking at things from different perspectives and being able to respond. We all stand to learn something from everyone.

As far as katmeup7 goes, I initially read her post as somewhat negative towards LDR's, but then I read it again and I am not so certain it was intended that way. I do think she may have formed some assumptions about your YM, Red. But, only you know him. All you can do here is take what you need from all the varieties of opinions you receive, and leave the rest behind.

This LDR forum was created when I suggested to Jody that there seemed to be alot of members here who are in an LDR like me and we need a place to support each other. Only those of us who are in, or have been in, an LDR understand what it's like. It's certainly not something I ever planned to be in. :rolleyes: But, now that I'm in it, I need all the resources available to me to get me through the end.

I'm glad that she and Rob listened to my suggestion and created this forum for us.

So, LDR couples, VENT AWAY!!!. That's what this place is for!


btw, great post Dragonfly!

Yes Whiterose, this board helps me a ton!! I think im addicted, LOL.

I just wanted to say this too:

In a conventional relationship if someone isn't getting what they need/want, by all means I think that they should move on.

In a LDR it's very different, we get what we want/need in increments and then the final BOOM when we are together for good!

I have to remind myself of this a lot because I have never been in a LDR before.

I re-read my post and I'm not sure how it was construed as negative. I thought it was positive feedback...suggesting that one find alternate ways to be nurtured besides a relationship that isn't hands on. No single relationship can offer all one needs in life, let alone a LDR.

I'm in a LDR with a YM. It's not easy. There have been moments when I didn't think it was worth it; there have been times when I wished it were anything but what it was...times of massive confusion and pain and frustration.

Sorry if you misinterpreted my intention Red.
Kat

Originally posted by christina923

LDR are brutal, but i remember reading an article, and lawyer confirmed it, being in a LD for 1 year, is equivalent to a relationship of 3 years of what is perceived as a "normal relationship". you don't have the benefit of dating, touching, kicking back... you talk. put in a lot of effort to connect, be there and meet in that damn little white box, and you talk, and talk. by the time you meet that person, you know them pretty darn well, then the other stuff gets brought into the relationship.



I was in my LDR for almost 3 years! That means almost 9 years equivalent to a "normal" relationship!!

red...

I know how you feel! It is hard to be apart during those "special" times such as birthdays and holidays, but I found ways to make those times special anyway. One year on hasan's birthday I called a local florist in Australia and had teddy bears and balloons delivered to him. Sometimes all I could do was send him a beautiful card with my perfume sprayed on it and a love letter attached. And I would call him, even if it was only for a little bit to wish him Happy Birthday and how thankful I was for that day he came into the world!

LDR's are not easy, and definitely not for the faint of heart! But being able to vent and connect with others who are going through the same thing can be very helpful! I'm glad you are able to come here and get great support! This was my refuge during my separations from my husband.

Hang in there!!!

Its so funny how my emotions are, I worked out today and felt great, went to dinner came home and now here and I am happy and smiling and no problem. But, I bet you $20 when I lay down to go to bed, I start to freak out. I feel like I have multiple personality disorder or something. LOL

Originally posted by red
Its so funny how my emotions are, I worked out today and felt great, went to dinner came home and now here and I am happy and smiling and no problem. But, I bet you $20 when I lay down to go to bed, I start to freak out. I feel like I have multiple personality disorder or something. LOL

*L* oh god doesn't it feel that way?????

UUGGHHHH, this site is making me crazy. I had this really long response to Kat, and the site crashed my computer, then it was down forever.

Anyway, Kat I wanted to say yes I may have taken what you said wrong, but I did not and do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am only venting, not looking for someone to feel bad for me. I come here to get validation of my feelings, so I dont feel alone in this.

Anyways, I wrote a ton more than this but I lost it. Welcome to the boards and I hope to learn more about you.
- Red

Thanks for the warm welcome!!!!!! Actually, I belonged to this site a long time ago (two years I think,) dropped by the wayside, and a month or so ago came back sniffing around and finally decided to join back in. I recognize some old names. These are a great group of people, and I look forward to getting to know new people and saying hi to some old ones again.

I appreciate the point you make Dragonfly regarding the support aspect of these boards. I think sometimes I tend to have a more male side to my personality that is more logical in nature than emotional, and I think that comes through, particularly in my style of writing. But let me say please that I'm not uncompassionate at all. I'm a nurse!

I'm 53 and I've been in an on again off again mostly LDR for over 3 years (although we started out locally) with a 26 y/o man who is a wonderful human being. I have my share of doubts and trials and tribulations over it, and I'm here for support as well, so trust me, I want to be accepted! LOL. I look forward to being back here again!
Kat

Thank you! You are so gracious. Wow! An ex-cop. Yeah, we've seen the same show, I'm sure.

My YM is amazing! Very unusual soul. We met at the hospital when I worked in the ER where he came right after graduatiing from college. I also worked (and still do) in an indigent clinic, and he came and volunteered there, and that's where we really got to know each other. He asked me out, I accepted, and here we are 3+ years later, still involved. I look forward to sharing but right now, I'm off to bed.

Kat