Betrayed?

I'm so glad to have an area to pick the brains of the "long-termers".

I think that now that I have decided to move forward with this relationship and we haven't had any real AG issues, the only concern I have now is when I hear other members talk about things that their YM did after years together that betrayed all of the promises & reassurances that made you relent and go out with them in the first place. Some have only been alluded to, so I don't know what actually happened.

I can't imagine how I would cope if I finally feel as though I've gotten past the whole age thing only to have it blow up in my face exactly as I feared 3, 4, 8, 10 years down the road! :(

After overcoming the doubts and the issues of the AG, what was it that your YM did that betrayed all of the promises so long ago and how did you overcome this as a couple and stay together? (If it was an AG issue.) Would anyone feel OK sharing your experience?

Bel looks into her crystal ball :)

Kristin, I see great happiness, deep and long lasting love, and good fortune in your future, always. Everything is working out for the best.

So don't worry, ok?:)

Yeah, Kristin? Collecting a lot of experiences about AGR's that didn't work out even after many years (through betrayal or otherwise) is not going to make you feel any better.

As the old song says, "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative."

Move along... nothing to see here. ;)

No, no, you guys. Sorry I wasn't clear! I want to know the ones that worked out OK and they are still together. What issues came up and how did they get thru it TOGETHER?

And I mean AG related issues after all that time, not typical relationship issues.

If they just broke up over it, rehashing it not going to help any! ;)

Edit: OK, I just edited my question. Does that make a difference? The whole point is to learn from other's experiences!

I agree with Kristin. I am interested in knowing the same kinds of things. I want to know what types of issues that I may expect down the road that may occur as part of being in an AGR.

*waves*
I'm not sure I'm any expert.
That's why I haven't posted anything.
But when it happened, that's exactly how I felt, betrayed, you told me you were up for this, you talked me into it, and then here it is.
PART of the problem is, I think, going into it, with the expectation that its going to end that way, and sort of, giving them permission to do that.
He says now, that he'd never have gone through with it, but who knows.
He also knows now, that if he ever decides to pull that again, he better be darn sure, because I'm not going to make a history of putting myself through it.

When I read him the posts from the guys who "still love the woman, but want to have time to do things themselves", right after telling me to stay off Ageless, he always says, yup, he found some possible action and he decided to go with it.
Talking, honestly, talking till you're blue.

The other related problem, has been the predjudices. Not a lot, but the ones we've had were bad.
That nurse who wound up getting him fired, my ex boss, who I had always considered a friend, and who wound up making my life miserable. Told me that being with him made my judgement suspect.
That kind of thing takes a lot out of you.
Honestly? Sometimes I think the only thing that kept us together the first couple of years was pure stubborn nature on both our parts. They told us we couldn't do this, darn it, we'll show them!
He always said that we were being tested to see if we were strong enough to have this relationship.

The only other thing that really causes me the mental anguish, is the time issue. He'll talk about someday this, or whatever, and I realize that what he's talking about is when he's in his forties, or later, and it rocks me. Knowing I don't have the luxury of time that he does. Sometimes he'll say something about when he's old, and knowing I won't be there kind of knocks the wind out of my sails.

Those are the only real issues we have right now, that are age related. Every other issue we have, is a simple normal relationship issue.

We learned how to talk, we learned ways to deal.
Its like, breaking up isn't an option, so find a way to get over it.
Actually, I just asked him, and that was his answer.
Not very profound, but seems to work, huh?

Sure.

We're totally in betrayal mode right now (and I do say that with a smile :) )

I've told my story here before, but basically after three years together and two living together, he was set to go off to grad school in Chicago and the question was whether or not I was going to come (and give up a job I liked and a gorgeous rent controlled flat and all the other amenties of an established adult life).

We talked and talked about resentment and possesiveness and committment and finally came to the conclusion that we wanted to do it - and I sold all the stuff and we drove cross-country.

After living in Chicago for a year, it turned out that it wasn't the right school and so we turned around and came right back to Northern Cal and Berkeley. (And I sold a bunch more stuff).

And truthfully, I was pissed and he was guilty and we've both done some damage to each other this year - having technically broken up 3 or 4 times this year- and then taken it all back.

To some degree, this is age-related, although not entirely. He definitely has had a psychic load that many of his friends have not for the past five years and there are times he envies them their freedom and relative lightness.

And I sometimes feel the strain of accomodating a lifestyle that is not entirely organic to a woman of 40 years old. (That said, I'm not exactly an old fogey, by any means). But still .....people at my age aren't selling vacuum cleaners and then buying new ones twice in two years. They just HAVE vacuum cleaners-lol.

I don't really have the happy story to tell, YET. We're still mid-process and I don't know how it's going to turn out. Last time we broke up, we ended up holding each other all night and taking it back the next morning - and we've got to joking that we'll "take the night off from breaking up" when we make love.

The question is whether all this stuff kills the joy. If it does, then there's really nothing that's worth saving and I don't know if we've gotten to that point or not. For me, it's literally 50/50 - Half the time I think so and half the time I don't. And based on our little dance, I can only assume it's about the same for him. :)

I want for us both to be sane and healthy and happy, together or apart, so I'm not necessarily married to one conclusion or the other. But today I am feeling positive. (See the effects of a night off - lol).

It's all about finding the "new normal" after a period of change and like everyone, we suck at changing and have to be dragged, screaming, into the future.:D

Time will tell ......

Thank you for sharing guys!

So, for Desert Spring, a problem that did arise (AG related) was the typical upheaval of a young man still trying to find his niche in life and the constant life changes that we as OW are generally past at this point.

Bella, you weren't too specific about the actual problem. It sounds like he "needed space". Did you feel that this was specifically age-related and if so, why? And, if I'm hearing right, you feel like the prejudice of the age difference never really goes away, but continues throughout the relationship?

Well My husband and I get thru because we don't see any age gap issues..... I love him and he loves me.... anyone else around us who has a problem is their problem NOT MINE....

We have some differences... such as music and movies... but we just try our hardest to accept that and just be there for each other..... Love is in the heart... and your heart doesn't see age...

Our problems are not age gap related either.... because we don't let it..... :)

Sorry, Kristin, I forget not everybody has lived through all this stuff with me. :)
Yeah, he needed "space", turns out that some woman at his job was hitting on him hot and heavy, and he was thinking about it, but he used the same cliche I've heard here over and over, I think I need to be on my own for a while. Thought we could still date, and all, but he needed to be on his own.
This was during a time of lots of were guys ending things here at ageless by the way, and him tsk-tsking over all the guys who it wound up were dumping their women for someone else, using the, its not me, its you, I need space thing.
Wham, suddenly it's his turn.
I told him, if he needed to be on his own, he was going to be on his own, that I was not going to put my life on hold waiting for him to decide. He actually had the nerve to tell me that was mean. Then he decided that he didn't want to lose me, and asked if we could try counseling. I made an appointment, after making sure I could find someone non=judgemental about the age thing.
THEN I find this phone number laying on his car seat. With her name on it. THEN I find out, not only is it someone who works with him, its the mother of one of my daughter's playmates, who spends more time at our house, than her own. I'd met the grandmother they lived with, but not the mother.
Nothing happened, other than flirtation, and now he says he was thinking with his "parts" not his head.
Age related? Well, he was very young when we got together, I was his first. So, yes, I can understand the curiosity. Heck, I'm still curious about others.
Anyway, worked it all out in counseling. He's very level headed and honest. He says he'd never have gone through with it anyway. Who can say.
The predjudices?
Yeah, I think there will always be some. We worked on that with our counselor too. Personal info for others is on a need to know basis. We are a huge gap though, smaller gaps probably aren't that big a deal.
I keep trying to get him to rejoin here, but he isn't interested. He took a big beating when he was here. Mostly though, he honestly doesn't feel the need for it. I think we women are the ones who analyze things to death. He mostly gets upset with me when reading here kicks off insecurities and such. His favorite saying is, Honey, stay off Ageless.

Kristin, I think that it really has to do with where people are "life-stage" wise. I truly believe this. If your ym is in the same life-stage that you are, and you two enjoy doing enough of the same things, you have the ability to grow together and change together.

I would have never dated Robin had he not had a son, and that's the God's honest truth. When he showed me a pic of his son about five minutes after we met, and told me how much he had him (four days a week) and what his lifestyle was like, wrapped around his son, basically, I knew I had met the man of my dreams. My life was wrapped around my kids too, and I could never find a man who could understand that.

We just got lucky on the other stuff, physical attraction, sexual compatibility, wanting the very same long-term goals...all just pure dumb luck. Our biggest age-gap problem is finances. He is younger than me (about to be 26 to my 41) and just doesn't have the job experience that I have, so is not able to make the same money. He's also had some jobs fall through, and we had some blow ups over it, but breaking up just wasn't an effective option. He knows he has to bring in a certain amount, and he's doing everything he can to make that happen. This is our only problem. If we won the lottery tomorrow, we'd be Ageless's happiest couple! :D

We have allowed eachother to "act our age". Robin goes out with his friends when he wants to...I go out with mine (or come here) when I want to. Sometimes we meet up with friends as a couple (usually on our beloved "date night"). I relish my past, and brag on my knowledge of the 70's! He's constantly calling me "Dude" which I find greatly amusing. Now I call all my friends DUDE, even my kids when I'm kidding around.

We just have this strong connection. When you have a connection like that, worrying about it falling apart is like worrying about the Earth spinning off of its axis. You sure as Hell hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, you can't stop it! You just have to live as best you can and as effectively as you can.

Build on your strong connection. Build on compatibilities. TRUST. LOVE unconditionally. Treat him as you would like to be treated, at all times. Talk, talk, talk. Don't accuse or blame.

And, my most POPULAR advice...DON'T STOP DATING!!! :D

You asked about betrayal, and I do recall one of many stories here, that does stand out.

There was a couple that was here when I joined...Taffy and David. He was a college student and she was a divorced mother of five. They met online, and grew to love eachother. They had a mostly on-line relationship, and he visited her on occassion. I believe she devirginated him.

When he graduated college, he moved in with her. Four years after their relationship began. After one month, he found he couldn't take it, and left her. She was bitter and devestated. She came back here and posted on the evils of dating younger men, which, I for one, could truly understand her doing.

She eventually met a man her age, fell in love, and married. To my knowledge, they are together and happy.

There are several members I can think of whose ym left them after a few years for a woman their own age.

There's no guarantee, just like there wouldn't be if you were with someone your own age or someone older. You should, however, look out for red flags or if he's getting "antsy" and wanting to leave the relationship for some stupid reason. If Robin behaved that way, I'd be sending him packing. There was a couple, Toasty and Justin, who withstood his leaving her only to return, but I just can't rationalize that behavior in my relationship with Robin. Either he wants to be here or he doesn't. The world won't end if he ever leaves, for whatever reason, because I did my absolute best to make it work. I'd be very sad, and I'd grieve and cry, but a new day would come, and I'd move on. The sun would rise and set, and I'd eventually find someone else to love, or they'd find me! :)

I gotta tell ya that I guess I do have age related issues with my husband but it is part of the package, for instance I am married to a young man in active duty military, his life is not his own to share, however, I would be a fool to give up the love that we share over an obstacle. for instance, if i loved a man who had a very successful business that required most of his time, i would then have to overcome that obstacle, or if i loved a man with a very dependant exwive, another obstacle.................... I dont put my problems on an age related level, I put them as the "little hurdles" in life that are such a breeze to get over.

Nothing is more important than US. I wanted a traditional relationship on many levels and I honor God first , then my husband and i adore and care for my family as best as I can. I find this formula makes me a happy woman. Find what works for you, what do you want? If both parties can fulfill each others needs then you will be fine. Age becomes less of an issue than you could ever imagine, in fact I think it becomes an asset, I take good care of myself, I feel younger, and I love that I can care and support my husband on many levels as he also does for me. An age gap relationship can be a HUGE positive. Think of the positives........in fact make a list, one side have the negatives and then the positives........ betcha the positives win.

One factor I have seen over and over in crisis-point couples, which really hasn't much to do with age, is that it often turns out that the male has had a number of simmering issues bothering him that he has NOT SPOKEN ABOUT. Sometimes for years.

This seems to be one of those "male" things, since they are brought up not to express themselves emotionally, and also are taught to keep a certain distance from women as "self protection." This bullsh*t is a recipe for relationship trouble. The attitude is no protection at all of course, it only keeps guys emotionally alone. (This type of withholding -could- be age-related, in the sense that a YM may not know what his alternatives are yet, while we are used to talking things out by now.)

So, in order to head this kind of thing off, I find it is best to check in with my man every so often. In many cases though, a guy will not be honest right off, because he's used to pretending everything's fine, and truly trusting a partner with his vulnerability can take guys some time. Keep making it SAFE for him to express what's bothering him.

I was reading (shockedly) FirstLove's recent thread about her troubles, but was even more shocked to read the line about how she felt that seeing guys cry was a turn-off for some. This I don't understand in the LEAST.

To me, a guy crying at an appropriate moment of sadness, remorse, whatever, is a healthy human response and is every person's right to the expression of deep emotion. Make it safe for your man to come to you and not have to be "strong," and you will strengthen your relationship.