can I change her or there is no hope ?

I dated this women for two years ;

During that time , she was very nice and giving and I was not.

A several months to a year pass by where I had to leave NY.

She obviously was not very happy with me during that two years of the relationship.

Now I am back in New York and I went back with her, but I am more into her and I care for her more.

And I told her that , but she is very closed, more uptight and doesn't give me the openness that she used to . I want to connect

with her differently now, is there any way for her to reverse her 'closeness' ?

To open her self up again .

Is it permanent , should I move on ?

One final request, PLease don't go Bavarain - bashing ....I HATE that !!!!


if you feel you are going to bash , don't post !!

I am looking for something constructive or simply say 'nothing at all'. In fact, you can post ' nothing at all'

oh yeah if I can change her, what should I do ?
Thanks.

"One final request, PLease don't go Bavarain - bashing ....I HATE that !!!!


if you feel you are going to bash , don't post !!

I am looking for something constructive or simply say 'nothing at all'. In fact, you can post ' nothing at all'"

Are you looking for a specifc answer?

This, don't post that, but it's okay to post this...

I've never seen so many directions before when someone is looking for an opinion.


:confused:
thatgirl

all you can do is be consistent. with every positive thing that has to do with her, be consistent.

This is a serious answer and not meant to "bash" you.

You are going to have to earn her trust again. You were bad to her and then you left her. Now you've decided to come back and you want her to be her loving self from before. You are lucky she even took you back.

Put yourself in her shoes - how would you feel if she had done that to you? What would you want from her to forgive and forget the past?

Probably, the only thing that will change her will be time and you making every effort to regain and rebuild the trust. Treat her like a queen and grovel at her feet. She's apparently earned it and you should do everything you can to show her how much you love her and appreciate the second chance.

Even though her trust in you was shattered,and you hurt her before, she took you back, so it would seem she still has feelings for you . She probably wants things to be good between you but is subconciously or consciously "waiting for the other shoe to drop" so to speak and laying back to see how things go.
I can only say that it may take a long time for her to believe in you again. If you really love this woman, then all I can suggest is to let her know how sorry you are for the way you treated her before, and let her know by your actions that you want only her and that you can be trusted .
Be open with her, even if she isnt so open with you right now and accept that she isnt just going to fall back into the way she was before without being sure your sincere. That takes time.
Im just wondering, when she took you back did you have a discussion about how you had treated her before and what has made you a different person now from the one you used to be????
Unfortunately we cant "change" other people to make them the way we want them to be or the way they used to be. The thing you CAN do is continue to work on yourself, admit your faults, be honest, commited, trustworty, and show this woman by your actions that you are a changed man. Its hard to regain someones trust once its broken, but with time, it can happen, and if you can both begin to talk about your fears , hopes, problems, relationship and so on, I think that goes a long way in building a solid relationship. I hope it all works out.

Originally posted by charo
Even though her trust in you was shattered,and you hurt her before, she took you back, so it would seem she still has feelings for you . She probably wants things to be good between you but is subconciously or consciously "waiting for the other shoe to drop" so to speak and laying back to see how things go.
I can only say that it may take a long time for her to believe in you again. If you really love this woman, then all I can suggest is to let her know how sorry you are for the way you treated her before, and let her know by your actions that you want only her and that you can be trusted .
Be open with her, even if she isnt so open with you right now and accept that she isnt just going to fall back into the way she was before without being sure your sincere. That takes time.
Im just wondering, when she took you back did you have a discussion about how you had treated her before and what has made you a different person now from the one you used to be????
Unfortunately we cant "change" other people to make them the way we want them to be or the way they used to be. The thing you CAN do is continue to work on yourself, admit your faults, be honest, commited, trustworty, and show this woman by your actions that you are a changed man. Its hard to regain someones trust once its broken, but with time, it can happen, and if you can both begin to talk about your fears , hopes, problems, relationship and so on, I think that goes a long way in building a solid relationship. I hope it all works out.


I agree completely with Charo. She's right on the mark. It takes time for people to trust each other again.

Hopefully you didn't really mean that you want to change HER, but instead, change how she is responding to you.

Good luck to you Bavarain. I hope that things work out. Sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone.

Originally posted by bavarain
. . . oh yeah if I can change her, what should I do ?


You can't change anyone.

Hi Bavarain,

The company I work for builds high precision machines that cost $$$'$$$ and take many months to complete. Last week a customer did a negligible mistake and the whole machine was destroyed in less than a second.

I don't believe you actually mean to change your lady. With her distancing from you she's telling you that she's been hurt. Give her some time to heal. That's all.