24yo meets 38 is there a future?

Hi,

This is my first post here and this seems like the perfect site for advice on my situation. Well the dilema is: I'm a 24 year old male and I met a 38 year old Lady last weekend at a party. Afterwards, I stayed at hers (nothing happened apart from kissing) and we spent the day after relaxing and watching TV. We seemed to get on pretty well and I'd say I fancy her. The problem I'm debating whether or not I should follow this thing up. I've never been in a situation like this before and I'm struggling to decide if this is what I really want or not. I'm worried that I might find we have completely different interests and the age range means we're generally incompatible.
What experiences have other people had in the early stages of the relationship, particularly the younger person. Although, I like her, something tells me this isn't right and it's un-natural. She's 5 years younger than my mother! Is this unfortable feeling go with time? Should I treat her as I would any girl my age, afterall she's still only a person.

Cheers

Hey HappyLobster, welcome to Ageless!

You said you met her at a party and stayed with her for about a day - that was all for now, right? I think you dont need to make a decision right now if this woman is a potential partner for you. It seems like you like each other, so why dont you try to meet her again? Go and get to know each other better or you will never know if you both share the same interests. This would be the same as with a woman your own age - she can also have totally different interests than you. And let me assure you, the age range does not necessarily mean that the both of you are incompatible.

I'm 28 and living together with a woman 27 years older - that makes her 1 year younger than my mother. Its not unnatural, its only love :)

Don't rush things, give the both of you some time and see where things are going. Good luck!

Hey Lobster!

I'm a 34 year old and have been with a 12 year older woman for six months now.

I still have those fears that you have described...but just because there is an age gap doesn't necessarily mean that you have different interests.

Best thing is to just go with the flow and see what happens. Even if your relationship won't work out I'm sure it will be an experience that will teach both of you a lot about relationships in general and what YOU want / need from a partner.

Regards,

R.

Hi both! Thanks for your responses!
I've been talking to some of my mates about this and most of them think I should see her again, so I think it sounds like a good idea. I think I really need to phone her and see what she thinks about the whole situation, I can't really rush in and even assume that she likes me as she was drunk at the party :rolleyes: However, it didn't stop her from kissing me throughout the day after :cool: This is such an unusual situation for me to be in, I think the best for me is to just wait and see what happens and see where we go..

Sounds like some good advice from the others. :) I think the uncomfortable feelings stem from all the cultural conditioning we all absorb even though we are mostly unaware of it. Age gap relationships can and do succeed, but one has to be a bit of a rebel against the "norms" and REALLY has to love the person inside the body more than the outward appearance (which is ALWAYS subject to change). If the two of you are really right for each other, you will find out with time. Treat her the same as you would treat any woman you want to be with. Good luck! ( Oh, and I am engaged to a man who is 18 years my junior...and I am only 2 years younger than his mom! :eek: )

Hi Lobster and welcome to agelesslove. All these other fine members have said everything that I would say.

My future mother-in-law is only 4 years older than me. I am engaged to a man who is 18 yrs younger than I am. I know very well how an age gap can initially catch you off guard. But, once you acknowledge that those fears are normal, and that there are lots of people all over the world in successful age gap relationships, then hopefully you'll realize that life is too short to let a little thing like an age gap get in the way of pursuing the woman who interests you.

Good luck to you and keep us posted. :)

Hi mate!

Regarding your question: relax, the fact you met doesn't mean time is going to come to a screeching halt - past, present and future are always going to exist (in your mind) :)

Originally posted by happylobster
I've never been in a situation like this before and I'm struggling to decide if this is what I really want or not.

Oh mate, I really envy you - you have the luxury to decide!

In my case I had NO CHOICE whatsoever. No right to decide. No right to appeal. No compensation :) We just fused together.

I'm also your age - 24. I don't know how old my gorgeous is, because my father has taught me never to ask such questions.

I wish you success!

Good afternoon all! Thanks for all your interesting replies. I think there's definately an element of cultural conditioning here, as when I was younger (especially in school) I would regularly fantasize about older girls, teachers and people on TV. I think that's quite a natural part of growing up. Now I'm older I think there's more to a relationship than what a person looks like and although I like her there's worries in my mind about what my friends would think and what would I feel like holding her hand in public. What would it be like when I met her parents? These aren't a big problem at the moment, because I don't have a relationship with her yet - they're just things that have bounced in my head for a couple of days.

I think we've discussed alot about me, but not much about her. This is all good for my sanity but I wonder what she is thinking. Is she thinking my same thoughts or perhaps she doesn't think anything. The answer is quite simple really, I
need to chat to her and investigate. It may appear that our personalities are incompatible or it's just lust or it could be something else, who knows? I'll HAVE to find out for myself.

MrsHedgeHog: Your situation seem remarkably similar to mine. My mum is 5 years older than the lady, and its good to see the strange feelings go away quickly. My housemate, who was 23, was also seeing someone who was 33 for a while which didn't seem a problem at all. It seems the problem is with me more than it is for anyone else. The only time I felt a little uncomfortable was when we went out for meal with her friends and family. It was odd but that aside they were really nice people. I'll give your site a visit now HH, makes a break from my work!h

Whiterose: all my feelings are quite strange; I'd never thought I'd ever feel this way, so yes, it's a bit of shock. I wonder what she thinks about me, I wonder if she thinks I'm too young for her, this is something I'm gonna need to chat to her about really.
I'll keep you all posted thanks
Good luck to you all

Thanks for all your help. It looks like there's a lot of great, happy couples out there who really love each other - I admire you all! :)

All I have to do now is phone her - easier said than done (and I was soo adimant I would have done this by now in work). Anyway, there's no pressure. If I want to phone her tonight I can, if not, then there's always tomorrow. Let's see. I'll keep ya all posted ;)

Don't write her off on a crisis of confidence. The worse that can happen is that nothing will happen or it simply won't work out.

If you like her then go for it. 'seemed to get on pretty well'?- she wasn't kissing you to test her lipstick!

You're totally right! Why am I doubting myself when: she gave me her phone number, seemed to enjoy hugging and being with and didn't exactly run away when I was kissing her. Teehee. :p
I better get back to work and get this thing concluded ASAP! :)

Enquiring minds really wanna know! :D

happylobster (your name cracks me up!) ~

I'm 36 and Jeremy is 23. I'm 4-5 years younger than his father and birth mother. So, very similar.

Jeremy grew up around OW/YM relationships (his stepmom is 11 yars older than his dad) so it wasn't too weird for him and his family is very accepting.

I, on the other hand, was really freaked by the whole thing and couldn't understand what this fine looking young man would want with me! I happily flirted with and teased him about his age at first, but when it was obvious that there was so much more to it, I became a lot more self-conscience. So don't be surprised if her confidence waivers a bit if you get serious about this. Right now it may seem all in fun to her and she may not really expect that you really like her. At that point you may have to send her here! ;)

I was also afraid that we wouldn't have anything in common. But the longer we are together, the more we find that we are alike in so many ways! How will you know unless you give it some time?

And I was also afraid of getting "the looks" - and we do. But I honestly can't tell if it because I look a little older (I could pass for 32 and he could be 27) or if we just make a strikingly good looking couple! :rolleyes:

If you really like her, go for it. But (I hate to add a somber note, but that's my nature) please be honest with her and with yourself. If this can be nothing more than a fling to you because of your age difference (say you want kids and she doesn't or can't) than don't make any promises that you can't keep. (IMO, if you get along on all other issues, the kid thing should be your only roadblock anyhow.)

I know a lot of people would say it's too soon to worry about that. But I guess I'm not one of those that just goes out with someone for fun. I get too emotionally involved, so I would want to know what was potential or not for the future. Personally, I don't want to waste my time or someone else's. Jeremy and I had the kid talk on the second date. If he didn't already have kids and tell me that he didn't want any more, I never would have moved forward. But that's just me.

But, if that is not an issue, than take the advice of all these good folks and relax and have fun with an exciting new relationship. It could be the most rewarding relationship that you ever have!

Thanks for your lovely reply, you answered a number of questions and probably sewn the seed of a few more :) I think the trouble *might* be the kids issue. I say might with caution as it's too early to say whether it is or not because we don't have a relationship yet. I think with her being 38, she probably doesn't want to have kids where as I do. When I start dating a girl I usually feel like she's special and wonderful and I think hopefully one day maybe she would be the one to have my kids. I'm not saying that I think like this on the first date or anything, or start making conclusions early on, it's something I beleive in. I'm probably not making any sense here but I think the bottom line for me is the desire to have kids. I'm thinking that if I start a relationship with this girl and she doesn't want kids, it's not gonna work but on the other hand I could just as easily go out with her and it could fail due to other reasons. Should I start something that may not be right for me, even though the thought of kids is something you really shouldn't be worrying about at the start of the relationship? It's quite a confusing situation for me.

Anyway, I phoned her up last night and she was eating dinner so didn't speak long. She was upset that someone on my website had posted some comments about her jokingly (what a great start). I have a website that all my mates comment on for a laugh/jokes and someone has something unpleasant. Since chatting to her I removed everything that was said. We didn't speak long and I felt quite guilty for making her feel that way (not that it was my fault of course). She said she'd give me a call tonight to chat about it, so I'll make a post here and update you all - not really looking forward to it :(

Well, I went on a date with her and went back to her place after a couple of drinks. We chatted and kissed and she said phone me. The date was good and we seemed to get on OK, but I don't think she's the one for me. I think we're probably incompatible even though we didn't argue. There's still an opportunity for me to contact her, but I don't think it's a path I want to take at this time. She wasn't looking for boyfriend and so there was no pressure and I don't think the meeting was serious. The good thing is I know where I stand and I'v made my mind up. Fortunately though for me, all love is not lost, I met a 19yo girl who lives on my street last Thurs, I'll have to concentrate on her, I think this has more potential.. :D