Relationship over b4 it started

Hello All-I am new here but just looking for a little advice and comfort too I guess.

I recently started seeing a 20 yr. old. I am 35. We have only been talking and dating for about 3 weeks. He seemed like a dream come true until this past Saturday. I said something that unbeknownst to me really hurt his feelings. He has not been able to get over that and now says that we weren't working. In the beginning I was concerned about the age thing and he kept reassuring me, now he is the one with the problem. He doesn't think his parents would accept me and he has really been pretty sheltered by them. I guess I just don't understand how you could click so well with someone and then it just changes in an instant.

I tried everything I could to let him know that I do care deeply about him and that my comment was one made out of disappointment in us not being to be together one night. He said that I had shattered his trust and that it was completely destroyed. Not only that (we orginially met on line) but he went online and emailed someone else closer to his age before he even told me that he didn't want to pursue a relationship with me. I just feel so betrayed and so replaceable. He wanted to keep me as a very close friend and I orginially agreed but after a long sleepless night I just couldn't do it. He said he didn't want to lose me completely but I feel like it would be pulling a scab off of a wound constantly. The betrayal part also makes me feel like everything he told me was a lie.

I have told him that everyone deserves a second chance to make things right but he had already made up his mind. I hope he gets a second chance when he needs it.

Thanks for allowing me to pour my heart out thru this forum.

Dawn

I'm sorry, Dawn, that you're going through this. Relationships of any kind can be so unpredictable and it's really a shame when someone writes someone off for a single remark and isn't willing to give them another chance. Of course, you don't mention what the remark was, but I am one who believes in second chances (and thirds, but that's it).

I can't explain what's going on in his mind, but I do know that age gap relationships and weighted with a burden of worry that each party carries, and sometimes, people aren't always strong enough to carry those worries along with all the natural weirdnesses of interpersonal relationships. The strain can be too much.

Some of the other members on this board should offer up some stellar advice in short order... all I can really say is that I'm very sorry your hurting...

... and welcome to Ageless.com...
~phosphorescent

Thanks phosphorescent. The remark was not worth hanging a relationship on. Basically we had plans to go out on Saturday and he called to say that his family wanted him to do something else but he could come over and spend an hour with me. Well, I was really disappointed so I said what is the point of that. He took that as me saying I didn't want to see him and he said he was devastated that someone he really cared about could say something like that to him. I really didn't mean it, it just slipped out in my disappointment and I guess I was really miffed by the fact that he hadn't told his parents that he already had plans. The funny thing is that he did come over Saturday night and we went to the movies and then cuddled (and more) on the couch afterwards and he never mentioned it. But on Sunday it was this big dramatic deal with him. Something drastically changed between Sunday and Monday because on Sunday he said that he still wanted to see me but by Monday he decided it wasn't working out for us. He sent me a text message on Sunday night saying that he missed me but by Monday in his mind it was over. I just don't know what to make of the whole thing.

Well, personally, he needs to grow up and stop being a drama-king! JMO!

Hi Believe423, and welcome to Agelesslove. Just based upon what you've shared with us so far, I am guessing that there are a couple of factors going on here. First, it's possible that he has more misgivings about the age gap than he has shared with you, or perhaps he is just having second thoughts. Also, it's possible that he just isn't mature enough yet to handle a relationship. One doesn't typically become "devastated" when someone makes an innocent comment like that. So, that makes me wonder if he is mature enough yet.

Either way, I hope that you will find the support and advice that you need here. I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out for you the way that you would like for them to. :(

Originally posted by Believe423
We have only been talking and dating for about 3 weeks. He seemed like a dream come true until this past Saturday. I said something that unbeknownst to me really hurt his feelings. He has not been able to get over that and now says that we weren't working.
This happened to me not long ago! In my case, I think it had everything to do with the man's personality and nothing to do with the age gap. (In fact, the age gap in my case is several years larger than yours.) In your case, it may also have nothing to do with the age gap, but more to do with your guy's style of reacting to surprises or to remarks he doesn't understand. He may be oversensitive, or over-reactive, or prone to extremes. He may react without thinking. This is what happened in my case; instead of asking me for clarification, he jumped to his own conclusion.
I guess I just don't understand how you could click so well with someone and then it just changes in an instant.
I had the same feelings, too. It's shocking, and draining. It made me feel sooooo sad...

I tried everything I could to let him know that I do care deeply about him and that my comment was one made out of disappointment in us not being to be together one night. He said that I had shattered his trust and that it was completely destroyed.
This sounds sickeningly familiar. The man I referred to above told me, on another occasion, the same thing: that I had shattered his trust and that it was completely destroyed. That incident was also due to something he misinterpreted, though I admit that what he misinterpreted did look, on the surface, rather incriminating. With much patience, and the help of friends, I did manage to regain his trust (or most of it), but then a few days later he misinterpreted something I said that, as you put it, "unbeknownst to me really hurt his feelings." Then I had to begin work all over again, to try to convince him that he had misunderstood me and that I really cared for him and that he was the only one I was interested in. I still don't know whether he believes me or not.
He said he didn't want to lose me completely. . .
Yes, he told me the same thing, that he didn't want to lose my friendship... but that he couldn't be my romantic partner.

I have told him that everyone deserves a second chance to make things right but he had already made up his mind. I hope he gets a second chance when he needs it.
This sounds *so* familiar... again, let me reiterate, it may have nothing at all to do with the age gap. Rather, it may have happened because your man is feeling hypersensitive--because of the surprising strength of the feelings he developed for you in only a short time. Probably, he felt shocked that the relationship progressed so quickly, which is unusual for him--and also, the circumstances are unusual (you met online, and you have an age gap). He may be trying to protect himself from being hurt, but he has gone overboard.

I wish I could tell you that everything worked out fine for my man and me, but right now he is going through a very difficult period, and had not communicated with me for a week. I am not sure where I stand with him, or even what is troubling him so. It is very, very frustrating.

What you are going through is very sad, and I certainly understand your frustration and disappointment. Please accept my virtual {{{HUGS}}}.

Thanks for all the replies.

Wisernotsadder, thanks for sharing your story. My heart is just broken over this whole thing but at least I know others have been thru it. Did you stay friends with him? I don't think I can.

whiterose-I agree with you that he is too immature to handle a relationship. He never really dated much so this was a first for him.

I am not sure if I will date someone younger again. This was my first experience and it was too painful.

Dawn

Originally posted by Believe423

Wisernotsadder, thanks for sharing your story. My heart is just broken over this whole thing but at least I know others have been thru it. Did you stay friends with him? I don't think I can.

. . . .

I am not sure if I will date someone younger again. This was my first experience and it was too painful.
Dawn,
Yes, I was heartbroken, too, and extremely bewildered. I also felt terribly depressed for a few days. But I'm feeling better now.

As for whether I stayed friends with him, I can't say, because I don't know! Lately he has had to do a great deal of business-related travel, and when he is on a trip, he is not able to communicate with me (he lives in another country where, I suspect, Internet access is not as easy as it is here). Right now he is going through something difficult in his life, so he is only writing short notes. I can tell that he is troubled, but I have few details. I gather that he considers me a valued friend, but that's all I have been able to figure out. I am hoping he feels better soon, so that I can find out where I stand with him. If he no longer wants to think of me as a potential partner, then I do want to remain in touch with him as a friend, because he is a very special and unusual man, his unpredictable behavior notwithstanding. In fact, I think that some of his recent behavior may have been caused by stress; he is at a crossroads in his professional life.

Your own guy may have things going on in his life that are putting him under an unusual amount of stress. You only knew him for three weeks before this happened, so you certainly do not know everything there is to know about him. In fact, if something is troubling him, he may be secretive about it because he is embarassed for you to know.

My advice is to give it some time. Try to involve yourself in your ordinary activities, so that you are not thinking about him all the time (only 90% instead, LOL!). I know how hard this is... but if you have a good job and good friends, it will be do-able. In two or three weeks, you may feel calmer and may feel like contacting him, as a friend. You can tell him you have been thinking of him, and that you wonder how he is. If you can't get a sense of where he stands, then I would back off. It may be valuable to check back with him in a few months; but in the meantime, don't pin all your hopes on working something out with him.

Please don't give up on younger guys just because of this incident. Like I said before, it may have nothing at all to do with age. As MrsHedgeHog said, my guy is in his 30s--and also, he was involved with an older woman before, so I *know* it is not an agegap or maturity issue for him.

I just saw your post. I too am sorry that you are hurting. I want to repeat what others are saying. Do not blame yourself. What you said did not sound all that terrible anyway. I mean, he was the one canceling and changing your plans.

It again TAKES TIME to get to know someone, find out their quirks, their weak points, and their strengths. That is why getting our expectations up so high that when things do not work out at 3 weeks and we are hurt, is not a good idea.

Instead of expecting things to go on, try to think of it as an adventure. Like: "hmmm here is a human being. I wonder what makes him tick? What can I do to get to know them better emotionally and mentally?" If we hold our expectations in check for at least 4 to 6 months, we are less likely to A.) not smother anyone. B.) be more in the "NOW" and enjoy. C.) not take rejection personally and be as hurt.

At least this is what I have learned in my 58 years on this earth. :p

Well first, I do agree with Whiterose. Its a good idea to be cautiously optimistic and not have our expectations too high early on. Easier said than done, I know.

I, on the other hand, have had a similar thing happen, and I DO know the reason. I will share it with you, although it is there is no guarantee that your situation would involve the same reason.

A few weeks into my relationship (and I have the same age gap as you) my b/f pulled away from me. I had no idea why at the time, and I was pretty devastated myself. Up until that point in time everything had been pretty fun and exciting. We had never talked about a comittment or anything like that...just having fun and enjoying each others company.

He never told me that he didn't want to consider me as a partner anymore, but he definitely pulled away from me....almost like he was avoiding me. It went on for at least a week before we finally discussed it. It turned out he had started to develop serious feelings for me....and it scared him. Being as young as he was, he had never been involved in a really serious relationship before, and the rush of emotion and intimacy was overwhelming to him.

For whatever reason it is, though, with someone as young as he is, you just have to give them time and space to figure out what it is they really want, and what direction they want to take. Im so sorry that you are hurting over this....and I send you big ((hugs)).

Welcome to Ageless.

Do you think that maybe that is a possibility here?

You guys are the greatest!!!! You have given me just the support that I needed!!

I have to tell you that I am feeling better about the whole situation. IMO, it is his loss.......I think he is going to be in for a very rude awakening once he realizes what some of the people on internet dating are all about. I guess my feelings were just really hurt because he could replace me so easily but I have to look at the maturity level here. Plus I was the first one that he had conversed with and met online so I think because it is so new to him he wants to explore it more. Whatever.

Michelle35-Thank you for telling me your story. That is exactly what I am trying to avoid. Not easy though.

Jo-Thanks for sharing with me. I do think that is a possibilty, which is why he was so hurt over a very off the cuff remark. He told me more than a few times about how he had never done or felt the things he had with anyone but me. I have a very hard time holding back on my own feelings or expectations so I tend to get hurt easily (that's just who I am) but the phrase "love like you've never been hurt" has been running thru my head these past 2 days which I think is why I am feeling better about the whole thing.

babes66- Thanks so much for your kind words- Not sure if I am going to contact him or not. At least not anytime soon. He graduates from the police academy in February and I am definitely going to call him to say congrats but that is far in the future. I don't think I could handle him just wanting to be friends with me. By him saying that, do you think it is salvagable?

Sometimes you don't know what will set the ball in motion in a negative way. It could be the most innocent type of blow off, like what you said to him about Saturday. I do think he sounds like he's not ready for a relationship yet. Men of 20 do date, some are ready and some are not. Sounds like yours simply might not be. I know I'll get bashed for saying this, but you should be grateful that this happened early. I've seen people who've had this happen a year or two into what they thought was a going concern. I wish I'd let go of my ex this early I would have spared myself a lot of heartache and many problems. I'm still dealing with his other ex's, and her friends.
Guys sometimes don't think about it too much, they just do. I suggest that you date others for the time being to get your mind off of him. If he comes back that is one thing, but don't need to take him back if he does...only take him back if you truly want to!

Thanks for the very good advice, legallyblonde.

I do have an update. He sent me a text message on my cell phone last night saying he just wanted to see how I was......well by the 6th message (we went back and forth) he said that he missed talking to me and on the 7th he simply said that he missed me and take care. So who knows what is going on in his mind now......I am just going to wait and see what he decides to do. I think I would go back with him because I truly want to. He is very sweet and obviously very sensitive. I was talking to a younger girlfriend of mine and she said that when she was 20 she didn't know what to do with hurt feelings and thought that you just broke up. Maybe he feels the same way. I know I feel much better knowing that he does indeed miss me and maybe he can't replace me as easily as he thought.

Thanks again EVERYONE for your kind words, hugs and great advice!!

Dawn