What to do about family pressures?

Hi there,
I"m a 26 year old girl, Princeton-educated, very mature, etc....always have been attracted to older men. But THIS time, maybe too old?

Anyway, he's 48 : (22 years older than me, and 2 years younger than my mom...eek! My dad is 60), and after 8 months, what started as just a sexual relationship has blossomed into best friends/pseudo-relationship. We broke up about 6 weeks ago for a month, due to the whole age thing, 'where is this going' question....but of course the minute we started to hang out again, it was like old times. We have always claimed to have an open relationship but i think we both know that's not possible as our emotions run too high

He is 3 years out of a 20 year marriage and not totally at a point where he is ready to let loose with his emotions, but he has said time and time again that he missed me when i wasn't with him, and he cares deeply for me, and we have an amazing connection and he's as confused as I am. After being so hurt the last time, I went crying to my friends and family and they were all sort of glad that it was over b/c of the age thing...

They found out we've been hanging out again and no one is too happy about it....except me. I ADORE this man...sure he's goofy and dances badly, but i have never felt so at ease with someone.

I guess i want to know who has dealt with the societal pressures or families being very against it. I know my parents/family won't stop loving me as a result of it, but it could cause some estrangement which makes me sad b/c i have always been close to my family. I don't see why they can't just see him as a person rather than an age...and though I have fantasies about him attending family dinners, etc., i just don't see it happening anytime soon. The thing also is that i'm very close to my dad, and i think it would be really hard for him. I don't want to hurt everyone, but I have strong feelings for this man and am not ready to lose him

Anyway, if anyone can tell me their experiences...what they did with family/friends, etc.,that would be much appreciated.:cool: :eek:

Hi Jess~

Here's what I posted in another thread:

It damn well should be enough - and sadly it isn't. Please keep in mind that what I'm about to write is from my own personal experience....it may or may not be the same type of situation. I met D when I was 21 and he was 38. Now I'm going to be 24 and he is 41. I loved that man with all my heart. I had so many doubts...but at the end of each day spent with him I was so happy that I couldn't imagine being without him....I still can't. We only had a 17 year age gap and he HATED IT. We'd be at dinner and we'd be eating, talking and laughing...then out of no where - he'd get this look on his face. It was a look that I knew too well. It was the look of happiness fading away. He loved me and I know he did. We never got to the point of saying it - but I knew it and he knew it. But he never understood how it was possible. He didn't understand how I would love him while 20 feet away was a younger man. I could belt on for days on how I felt, how I always be by his side, and he always said I was too young for him. It was heart breaking...mainly because we went through this whole song and dance multiple times. Breaking up, getting back together, we're on, we're off, we're on and finally...we were off. I couldn't do anything....to this day I still miss him so much. I still love him with all my heart. I sadly compare all my dates to him...and I just can't move on...I try, but I always fail.

Advice? I'm the wrong person to give advice in this situation. But I wanted to share my story with you. Because I know the pain and the hurt that you are going through. Ask any member that was around when all this was happening...it was crazy...and I let myself get emotionally wounded...but I don't regret it. If D called today - I'd go back. Be strong, stand your ground and never stop loving.

All the best!
~Em

****************************

Sorry, that's so rude, but I didn't feel like typing that all over again. My family never disapproved, but some of the things you wrote really hit home. My ex and I broke up seven times - every time we broke up it felt so wrong and we both missed eah other very much. I can't be of much help...just sharing my experiences.

I hope someone can give you more advice :D
Em

Hello jessums and welcome to Ageless!

Family pressures . . . I have them all!!! Really bad ones, too! I can tell you theoretically what to do: ignore them, it's your life, blah, blah, blah. The problem is that I have NO idea how to do that!

Know that you are not alone. G is 19 years older than me. We have been together for almost 5 years, but we are currently working through some major problems, many of which have to do with the negative pressure I feel from my family.

The only advice that I can really give right now is to be honest with your family (which it seems like you are :)). I have recently learned that no matter how bad they react, it is so much healthier for you if you do not carry the burden of a secret.

I continue to keep my relationship a secret from many of my family members. I chose to do this because the reaction I got from the members that did find out about me and G was so HORRIBLE that I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else reacting in such a way (oh yeah, guilt played a big part too). However, as it turns out the weight of the secret has had a serious impact on my personal well being and my relationship with G. Now, almost 5 years later, I have to figure out how to let myself tell my secret and I am TERRIFIED.

Anyway, I wish I had more to offer you. PM me any time if you would like. Good luck!

Thanks for your responses! At this point, i haven't told anyone except a close friend that Chris and I are seeing each other again. It's been a couple weeks now, and I'm getting along so well with my parents I hate to bring it up when it's such a sore spot for them.

But it's funny, it reminds me of something like interracial dating, or maybe if I was a Lesbian....it's sort of still not acceptable in some circles and so you have to tread lightly and buck society.

Ironically, when everyone has said they just want you to be happy and find someone who treats me like I deserve...and then I find him and it's not OK b/c of something as stupid as age.

anyway.....

Hi Jessums,

I completely understand what you are going through. I am almost 24 and my OM is 49. I too am college educated, went to school in the Boston, mature for my age, etc. I told my family about this, and my mom makes rude sarcastic remarks and my dad has told me he hopes my OM and I will remain friends but he keeps "reminding" me that sexually when my OM is older he won't be able to fulfill me!! This has been very difficult for me. My friends don't understand it and they think it is abnormal. I haven't received much support from anywhere. My OM and I have nearly broken up half a dozen times because of trust issues and when we explode, it's like freakin thunder. When he gets mad, he accuses me of wanting to go out with younger men and go party and have fun. And when I get P'd off I tell him he doesn't love me and is just using me for sex because I am a younger woman. These are our battles. But at the end of the day, we kiss, we hug, we make up and love eachother and all that silliness of age just disappears because I believe what we have is really love. As scary as it is I find myself completely starting to let go of my insecurities and inhibitions and just letting myself express my love and emotion which I've never been able to do before. THe reason I am going into this detail is so that I can share with you how the relationship is all that should EVER matter and it's what the two of you bring to it. Everyone else in the world can snub their stoic noses all they want. WHen the love is there, it's THERE and there's no denying it. When your family sees how much you are willing to fight for your love, even take bullets for your man, well then they will understand this is not just some fling, or desparation, or quick tryst with an older man. They will see that is absolutely, simply -- pure L*O*V*E then it won't freakin matter what they think anymore. Seriously, just watch, you will fall so deeply in love that they could say whatever they want and it will just simply roll off you like water on a duck's feathers. As long as there is some amount of reason the two of you share, then just let go enjoy it and enjoy eachother. If you dwell on the age thing it will only wear you down. And if you pass him up because of it, you will always wonder why you would have left him for a shallow reason such as society thinking it's "abnormal." Well guess what, society thinks being truly in love is abnormal too because all those suckers won't even allow themselves to go there. Yes, even when love comes interracially or homosexually or age-wise. THey tell themselves, "oh no no no I can't go there, that's not socially acceptable." All the other drones are living in their homes with their little white picket fences and 2.5 kids and country club memberships and all that other bullsh-t. Come on people! Are they happy? When love comes to them, no matter what shape or form, do you see them welcoming it into their lives with open arms? No they're too obsessed with the old "material life" to even think about something as precious as love. Think about it... they're the one's who are wrong. Society is wrong. Your heart will NEVER lie to you. It all happens for a reason, and I have my own theory about the OM/YW thing - it's spiritual. These are special kinds of relationships for people who are willing to truly open themselves up to something that will make them all the more open minded in the end and truly enrich their lives.

"my dad has told me he hopes my OM and I will remain friends but he keeps "reminding" me that sexually when my OM is older he won't be able to fulfill me!!"

Your father said this to you?!? Wow - not only untrue, but seems a highly inappropriate thing for a father to say to his daughter.

Call me old-fashioned...

Hi there


Welcome to Ageless!!!!

Well My husband is 17 years older than I am.. I am 29 and he is 46. We have a 2 month old son. I remember when I first started dating my husband I was so worried about my family... They can be quite judgemental and opinionated... but I was wrong. They made a couple of comments.. but they know how happy I am... they see how he has been good for me.. they love him..... They love him more than me i think sometimes LOL.....

you are definatly old enough to make your own decisions... if your happy go for it... age is irrevalent...... Your parents may give you concerns or some comments but just reassure them how much you love them and how much you love him... and this is a decision that you need to make.... and just prove to them that this relationship is what you want.. They most likely will see how happy you are and they will not want to take that away....

Just hang in there..... and Keep us posted!!!

Meredith

I can definitely relate to some of the comments on this board!

My mom and only a couple of our friends know about our relationship, and we've been together for more than 2 years now. It felt really good to finally tell my mom the truth about us, but the downside is that when she knows I'm going out to see him, she makes really sarcastic comments and tells me things like, not to 'keep this going for long,' and "you don't want to be a stepmom at 21!"

Basically, she thinks of our relationship as a "fling" that won't (or shouldn't) last very long.

I've only told 1 of my friends about us (the main reason we can't tell is because we work together-- scandal!), but it's really hard to keep it a secret... and though I'd like to tell them at some point, I'm more worried about how they'd feel that I've lied to them for so long.

Oh, and my dad doesn't know, either!

Sometimes family can be an obstacle-- regardless of age-- but my man is VERY supportive. He is very patient and understanding with my situation with my parents, and one thing that I've realized is not to tell him all of the bad things that people say. I don't really feel the need to "confess" that we are together to everybody in the world... because at the end of the day, when you love each other and you're truly in it together, that is really all that matters.

thanks for the site and this thread in particular. i am embarking on a relationship with a 18 year age gap so i have these hurdles to jump.

i can understand peoples and families concerns but at the end of the day thay have no right to dictate who is an appropriate partener. My family have been openly critical of all my girlfriends in the past so i don't expect anything to change. However the love i feel for my new girlfriend is abolutely pure...in fact we havent yet had sex, we have fallen for each other intellectually.

i cant undertand what she sees in me but i thank god that she sees it. i tend to agree with the comments above that it is similar to interacial or homophobic prejudice.

I would not tolerate comments about those and i will not tolerate comments about this. My father remarried after the death of my mother and i was not consulted even though i was 11 years old at the time and gained a step mother. the engagement was treated as a fait accompli, so i feel fully vindicated in my stand point.

whatever you family says about your realtionship, good luck for the future and remember we're right behind you.

Hi Jess:

I was exactly in your spot. My OM is 45, a whopping 21 years older than me! He's only 5 years younger than my dad!

First, I was thinking I have got to be crazy because I'm 24 and what would I want with a guy this old??

Then I had to ask myself how my family would take it. It really worried me. I kept it secret for about three weeks. I'm close to my family so being sneaky doesn't work so well.

But, in a nutshell, my family can't deny that my OM is SO good to me and we're getting married in St. Lucia on October 28! We started dating last November--isn't that funny? Dating and married in under a year.

My dad loves my OM. My mom asks him for advice all the time. They are just happy that I have a good guy. My dad expressed his concerns for us getting married--whether or not we'd have children, and concerns that go along with the aging process (I'll spare you what my father said). My OM said there would be children and we'll deal with what age brings when it brings it.

I think the bottom line is that YOU have to live YOUR life for YOU. I could have listened to everyone who said an age gap this big would never work out, but then look at what I'd be missing: a beautiful home, a beach wedding, plans to have children, and the first man I've ever been completely crazy about in my whole life.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Besides, you always have the option to break up if things don't work out.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

It's amazing that there are so many people out there like me/us.

As I said in another post, my husband is 29!!! years older than I, and never would I have thought when we were dating we would marry and have a daughter.

I was NEVER attracted to older men. We went through the same break up to make up situation. My father and sister were not supportive AT ALL in the beginning. My sister thought it was sick and my father could not fathom seeing a man 2 years younger than him romantically involved with his youngest daughter. My father kept saying to me that if J and I married he would pass on while I was still considerably young...and I thought and said...if I were to marry someone close to my own age, he could get hit by a bus the next day, and I'd be alone...yada, yada, yada. My father and sister "boycotted" our wedding 3 years ago.

My husband's family was also leary. They thought it was just a fling, but when we started talking about marriage, they started screaming prenup. My husband is not a millionarie or anything but he has accumulated a great deal over time. I personally wanted a prenup so that there was no mistake as to what my "intentions" were...I loved HIM and how were were together. Not to mention, I did not want to deal with any legal battle if by chance something did happen to my husband.

Today, our families love each other dearly. My father and sister got over their hang-ups, and appreciate my husband for who he is. And, I honestly think they respect me more.

My advice to you Jessums, is to follow your MIND! Do what is best for you, and don't let others dictate your path to happiness.

Well unfortunately, though we're now supposedly giving it a more committed shot, he still is browsing match.com looking for 'something better' or perhaps 'something older'

i think he does it out of boredom at night when he's just chilling, but he's really pissing me off and i think that i should just cut it off and go the friends route....he obviously doesn't have the same feelings i do when he says he's just 'afraid to commit'....

ARGH

TruthLovesMe~
Your post really hit home with me....thank you

I inherited the "in-your-face" I am what I am attitude from my grandmother. I am not the vigilent type, but in the eye of adversity, I find that I would rather challenge the opposition then to slink back into hiding, fearing the eyes of disapproval. What I mean by that is that when I see someone looking, I pull him closer, or give him the big smile and eyes that spell L-O-V-E.

You're man is feeling insecure. Yes, they do feel insecure. What is going through their head is they they look so impressive but they feel like an impostor, and are insecure that their inadequacies (compared to younger men) will be discovered. They feel like they are on the "replacement list" Men are really hard enough on themselves that it becomes a lot harder when they are placed in a spotlight. All this is said for one thing. By showing confidence in the relationship and by affirming your man for who he is in public, will go a long way. Because if he feels that you believe in him, and that people see you believe in him, with the belief that he can truly be a man for you. On top of that you are making those people squirm because they are seeing that intensity and spark and wonder where it came from. Just continue loving each other, holding each other up, and be confident in your love. People will begin to come around once they have dealt with their own skeletons.

I just wanted to add to this long thread of responses to Jess's original posting. I am experiencing the same thing with my family not liking who I am with. I have been together with my boyfriend for almost 7 months. I am 23, he is 40...we are well aware of our age difference and it was never an issue until people outside of us were brought in. My parents don't like it....but as time goes by, I find them semi accepting it. I know that they want me to be happy and they love me...but what I am doing right now is not what they had planned...they had planned me to marry someone in my age range, with a career, and preferrably one of my Dad's business associates :-P I would buy a nice house in the suburbs in the same neighborhood as them and we would have cook outs and holidays together and everyone would be happy. Instead, I find myself moving across the country to be with my boyfriend and leaving what is comfortable, so I can be with who I LOVE... Sure, I could have found someone here and lived the nice comfortable life they wished for, but it didn't happen that way...Instead, I met an incredible man to whom I was drawn to almost immediately..and after meeting him, I could not stop thinking about. We share such an extreme connection that is so full of positive energy that I cannot find a reason why we shouldn't be together. He is my lover and best friend and we learn so much from each other....sure, we get looks from outsiders sometimes, but we are oblivious or carefree to it...because we know what we have is real.. So, with all this positive propaganda behind us, I stuck to it...stood my ground and defended us...That is my advice..stand strong and be open to people around you about it..dont be afraid to let them in on what you two share...because the more it is out there for them to know, the more they will realize it is real. I found this by experience..I used to try to keep my life with my family and friends separate from my life with my OM...I only found that more doubt and untrust derived from that...so i started talking more openly about it...soon, they realized how i felt and how he felt about me. Finally, I think my parents are realizing that he is a good man and we love each other..they have lightened up about 70% which is incredible..they have even invited him over to dinner for the first time in 7 months this coming Thursday....so everyone, hang in there...I still am...I hope one day I will get 110% support, but for now, I will take the 70%...it's a start...One day I hope my family and his family can share holidays together..but for now...a dinner is fine :)

Hey D&C Welcome To ageless!!! I hope to see more of you around here... We are so excited to see all the new people and I know for one I am hoping to get to know all of you better!!!!

However you sound like you have a GREAT relationship and you know exactly what you want..... and let nothing get in your way!!! Way to go! Parents always have some kind of plan for us... however Life sometimes needs to be spontaneous expecially love.....Somehow we can't always please our family but as long as you please yourself.. they always do come around ;)