Yours, mine and ours...the raising of children!

You know I had to bring this up.... *smiles* I feel it is one of the more complicated issues in ANY relationship..the raising of children.

Soooo....James has been a part of my life and my childrens lives for 4 years now. I have 3 children here at home, and he has no biological children. However, he is more than willing to step in and stepfather these children, and does a pretty good job at it.

I have noticed about myself that every time he tries to offer advice on how to raise the children, I get defensive. I know that I am doing it, but I can't seem to control it. It always starts out okay, but I end up feeling that he is criticizing the way I have done it for so many years, and my feelings get hurt. He, on the other hand, feels that anything he says in relation to raising the kids isn't even heard by me, as I continue to raise and discipline them the way I always have. He has gotten to the point now where he says..."Im just not going to say anything". Well, of course, I don't want things to be like that.

I was him to have some input on raising the children, and I want him to be able to give his opinion without me ending up crying. LOL My oldest son is 17, and obviously is not going to view James as any sort of authority figure being as James is only 21, and we are all fine with that. But I would like him to be able to contribute more to the raising of the younger 2.

So, Im interested in hearing anyone else's experiences.....on raising children in age age-gap relationship.

PS..I have a lot more to say on this topic...lol. May be a long thread.

Well hmmm.. for me it's just beginning :) I son is 2 months old.....

But I do have a 19 year old stepson who now lives with his mother..... It was extremely difficult for me.... although I blame my husband for this also... but he was a very disrespectful person. He moved out In January of this year after he pushed me......which Ihave an everlasting scar on my arm.. and I was pregnant then.. but anyway... He didn't want to work... left my house a mess.... His room smelled worse than anything I ever smelled.. did terrible in school and hung around with punks...

He never took me seriuosly and he totally disobeyed everything I ever said.....and he knew he could go to his dad and play the victim... oh it used to drive me nuts... we almost divorced over this.....He has raised his son alone since he was 13 years old.... and unfortunatly his dad got him in bad habits.. he tried to be his best friend... when he isn't he's his FATHER...For us it didn't work out.... But Never once did I ask him to chose between the two... thats the biggest mistake I think people do ... You can not ask a parent to chose.. I would tell him how I felt etc... but Ultimatly it was my decision to keep trying... even though I almost filed the papers.... but after the hands were raised... He finally understood the severity of our situation.....

I do love his son... but unfortunatly I couldn't live with him... and I wanted to have a child of my own and I couldn't have that hostility around My son.

thats my story... but My son is GREAT!! and so far everything is great.... only downside is that my husband isn't as patient when it comes to the overnight feedings.. but other than that we are great together raising him!!! He's brought a closeness to all of us!!!

Hey Jo,

I don't have a lot of time to post right now, but I just had to comment on what you wrote because I feel this is an EXTREMELY important topic.

I have noticed about myself that every time he tries to offer advice on how to raise the children, I get defensive. I know that I am doing it, but I can't seem to control it. It always starts out okay, but I end up feeling that he is criticizing the way I have done it for so many years, and my feelings get hurt. He, on the other hand, feels that anything he says in relation to raising the kids isn't even heard by me, as I continue to raise and discipline them the way I always have. He has gotten to the point now where he says..."Im just not going to say anything". Well, of course, I don't want things to be like that.

This describes G and I exactly when it comes to his children (except reverse the roles). It may be slightly different only because he does not have the kids full time (he has them 3 nights a week). Nevertheless, when I give my two cents on an issue concerning the kids (BTW, when I do I ALWAYS watch my choice of words very closely), he often gets defensive. As a result, I retreat and, like James, decide to just keep my mouth shut. Problem is, that is totally unhealthy as it builds resentment because 1) I LOVE those children and I am also concerned about their well being, and 2) it makes me feel as though our relationship is not truely a partnership. And those are just from my perspective. Solution? I don't know, but as in all situations, communication is key.

Maybe there are some key words that I and James use that triggers that response in you and G. If we could figure out what they are and avoid using them, that could be a start. Just an idea. I'll be checking in on this one often with you, Jo. :confused:

We've got the same problem, Jo.
I'll be watching this thread too, to see what ideas people have.
They both go through me, when they have a complaint about each other, and it drives me nuts.
His parents were the be seen and not heard type, I didn't raise any of my kids that way.
He does have good ideas, lots of times, I do need to get her out of her room more, and off the computer more (wonder where she gets that from?)
He over reacts to some things, and it wounds his pride when he realizes he has. The other day she dropped her baton, and said "CRAP"
He chewed her out, she popped back, "well, what am I allowed to say then", which he took as disrespect. When I pointed out that that was a good time for a learning time, giving her some other options for things to say, he felt really dumb. He kicked himself. That one I just had a hard time not letting them both see me smile about.
My hardest problem is getting him to not sweat the small stuff.
I also have to remind him that I've done this before, fairly sucessfully, and I might know what I'm doing.
But, lots of times, I just get defensive and angry. Mother hennish.
Most of the time, they get along really well, I just wish there was some magic place for instant parenting lessons. I'd sign up myself.

I've been considering a blended family support group, here in town, because Robin gets really impatient with the kids, and I feel he expects too much. Since he's been the only father they've ever had, and since he's almost old enough to be their father biologically, they have never said anything like, "I don't have to do what you say...you're not my father!" or "You're only 10 years older than me...you CAN'T be my stepfather!" When we became engaged, they asked if they could refer to Robin as their stepdad, and I asked Robin, who said, "Of course! I am anyway!" It's been that way ever since.

Our problem comes with my son, who is 15 and 1/2 now, and is MOUTHY! Robin won't tolerate it. He especially can't stand to see the kids being disrespectful to me after all I do for them, and he gets after them. We have made great strides, but nothing is ever good enough for Robin. He wants it to be even better, and I'm thinking "Cheese and crackers, we've come MILES from where we started!" My daughter, 12, is very whiney and demanding. Robin can't stand the whiney tone...it drives him up the wall! While I agree with him that their behavior needs improving, it's not like they're the worst kids in the world, for Pete's sake!

Robin's son Josh, however, has been a complete angel lately, so I really can't complain about him. We've settled our little differences and are getting along beautifully! :)

Robin, for the record, does a lot for the kids. He drives them to and from practices and/or games if I'm in the middle of something or at the other kid's game, he is excellent at helping them with school projects because he's so anal-retentive...the kids always get an "A" when he helps them! :D He cooks dinner when I'm too busy. He washes their clothes and has them neatly stacked so the kids can find them and put them away. He does A LOT, and it's more than I could ever hope for, but I just wish he had more patience.

Tim must be a saint, Kelley! ((hugs))

Polly, we have some of what you mentioned going on. Everything with James is literally all about "me". Not him, but me. He cannot stand to see the kids disrespect me. One of his major major issues is how he feels the kids treat me. However, he would go overboard on this issue. He doesn't seem to cut them much slack for being children. Of course, he was also raised in a household where if you disrespected your mother, you got slapped across the face. You just didn't disrespect your mother, or her opinion.

We all know at some time or another....one of our kids are going to shout "I HATE YOU" and stomp to their rooms. To him this is just the living end...He will NOT have a child say they hate me. It literally pains him. One time I had asked my son to hand me the car keys (this was a ways back), and he wouldn't give them to me. When I told him to give me the keys "right this instant", he threw them on the floor a few feet from me, and in a real ugly voice said "Go pick them up". The next thing I knew, James had pushed him out of his chair! He didn't hit him...he just, well pushed him out of his chair onto the floor. lol And later, I was angry..with James.

Moon, I wish I could tell you what triggers me feeling so defensive. I KNOW he is not trying to cut me down. I KNOW he is trying to help me out. But somehow I always flip into defense mode. And while Bella says that she points out she has been raising children for years and has done pretty well with it, I point out the same thing but not in a nice way.

Another point we disagree on, but that I am not willing to even discuss with him, is the fact that I don't spank my children. I never have, and never will. I was abused when I was little, and physical punishment is not an option for me. Sometimes he really just thinks my youngest needs a spanking, and I think it is frustrating to him that I won't even consider it. A long time ago, my mother told me that because she was abusive, she thought I should never have children. She said it ran in cycles, and that I too would abuse my children. I was fairly young at the time she told me this, and it has kind of stuck with me. Therefore, due to this, and the fact I was abused myself, I just can't bring myself to hit my children. Im definitely not against others who do spank, I just can't do it myself because of past baggage.

Good grief, I could go on about this forever, and I literally have no answers.

i read a really good book about this a while ago. but right now the title is not coming to me. something about blended families.*edit-looked it up on the library's website. prtty sure it is "Love me, love my kids : a guide for the new partner" by Peter Rowlands.

one of the main themes, was that the "new" parent isn't taking over or replacing the "old" parent. that they basically say "you need to listen to your mom/dad"

Kelley, that's a very good point that you made. Stand united! Discuss disagreements about discipline behind closed doors! That's exactly what Robin and I do. Sometimes I agree wholeheartedly with his discipline tactic, and sometimes I don't, but we never argue about it in front of the kids. Another thing I learned, was that they will try to play us against eachother, such as:

"Mom, can I go to the mall?"

"No, you haven't cleaned you room."

*child goes in another room to Robin* "Robin, can I go to the mall?"

*Robin not knowing what I said, answers "If you did your homework, then sure."

After a few episodes of this, we finally figured out we had to check with the other person!

Robin has grabbed the kids by their arms when they're really out of control, but he hasn't ever hit them. Still, he gives them way too harsh of a punishment sometimes, like, if they fail to clean their rooms to his standard (mind you, he's an anal-retentive neat freak) he grounds them for like, a week. That's where I step in and say, "You do have a say in parenting, you are their stepdad...but come on...A WEEK???" And he's all "You're such a marshmallow, you never stick to your punishments. That's WHY I have to be more harsh. They need boundaries!" Yada yada yada. He acts like they're punkhead crack dealers or something! My daughter gets straight "A's", does her homework and chores without question, and is a good girl. She doesn't even cuss. My son is excellent in sports, doesn't do drugs, comes home when he is supposed to, and while his grades leave something to be desired, he certainly isn't the worst teen in the world. He's way better than I was at his age! Robin fails to acknowledge the good side. He says that's because I overdo it in that department. He says I praise them so much, for every little thing, that it becomes meaningless and insincere to them. He says when HE praises them, it's because they really earned it, therefore, it means something.

I read a book called "Stepfamilies" by Dr. James Bray. It did help, and I recommend it to anyone in a blended family.

One of the things I love most about G is that he is SO optimistic! He has the "I can do anything I put my mind to" attitude, which is great! The problem is that at times he takes it to such an extreme that he becomes unrealistic.

A little about G: without getting into any detail, he has a lot on his plate . . .

Now he's talking about wanting custody of the kids primarily because they go to not-so-great schools and their mother is not willing to move to a better district. And, BTW, he wants to continue paying her child support and alimony if he gets custody!?!?!? Anyway . . . I do think the boys should go to better schools, especially the older one who has Down Syndrome. However, I don't know if living with G would be the best thing for the boys because he has very little free time and A LOT of stress.

So, last night we talked about it. It started fine. I told him that I think he would have to make some serious adjustments to his schedule and lifestyle if the boys were to move in. I could sense he was getting a little uneasy, but he asked "why?" So I pressed on.

Me : Well, for example who would get them ready for school the mornings that you work? (he works at 6 AM 3 day a week)

G: George will (his immature nephew that lives with him)

Me: Do you think that it is realistic to depend on him with such a big responsibility?

G: What do you mean? He is just going to have to be responsible.

Me: I just don't think that you should count on someone who has not proven he is responsible yet with such a big task.

let me explain this: G's nephew has watched the boys before and it was nothing but disaster. The older one has Down Syndrome, Developmental Apraxia of Speech and he displays a lot of Autistic characteristics. Needless to say, he needs a lot of attention. To top that all off, he is 12 years old and is NOT potty trained and a boy this age who defecates in his pants needs a shower, there's no using a wipy to clean that up (sorry if that was too graphic)! Obviously, not a lot of people can handle all of that, G's nephew can NOT handle it. For example, the last time he watched him, he left him with a diaper full of feces for who knows how long before he finally took him to the salon where G was working so that he (and all of the clients) would have to deal with it. Catch my drift? I am picturing poor K being shipped off to school hungry and with a soiled diaper, so of course I had to say something about it.

But, here is where he lost it. He said he felt like I had said " You are not going to be able to have the kids." I don't know how he got that from what I said but somehow he did. It turned into an argument and I tried explaining what I just did to you all (which is only one of many reasons I am concerned), I tried explaining how much I love his kids and so I am also concerned about them, but I eventually said "forget it, they are your kids, you can do what you want with them, I am not saying anything about it anymore!" Of course, that's not true, I am going to voice my opinion again BECAUSE I care for those kids!

So, what do we do? How did he misunderstand what I was trying to say ? What did I say that he misunderstood?? All of you parents that would be on the other side of this scenario, how would you have reacted?

Moon, your guy sounds like he's being unrealistic about being able to have his kids full time. Having to readjust his schedule is a no-brainer! The nephew doesn't sound like he's even qualified to help out. He's not capable of rising to the occassion. To put him in charge, especially of the Down's Syndrome child, is neglectful. Now, I don't know how much money your guy makes, but he might be able to afford someone skilled in taking care of Down's Syndrome kids to come in on the mornings he works and get them off to school. I would think he'd have to rethink sending the ex child support and alimony though. He'd need that money for the sitter.

He needs to think about who's going to cook for them, do their laundry, get them on a schedule, take them to their sports activities, help them with homework, go to parent-teacher conferences, deal with other parents of kids they're involved with, and have enough time to touch base with each one of them, every day, to see how they're doing emotionally and if they're having any problems. Taking on three kids is a real feat, in and of itself. It consumes your whole life! To have to work full time on top of it is very, very emotionally and physically exhausting. He needs to know this and prepare himself mentally to handle the chaos that comes with this kind of a single parent life. I'd imagine that if this is his first time taking care of three kids by himself, he may also need a single parent support group.

Kids aren't puppies that you can just cage up when you have to go off and do something. Unfortunately, most fathers don't know that until it's too late. They fail to think of all that is involved in taking care of kids singlehandedly on a full-time basis.

I don't think he should be discouraged from doing this, especially if the kids will benefit from it, but I think he needs to go in it with eyes wide open.

Are you living with him or nearby? Is he depending on you to help him?

You know Jo Admin. My husband and I had out children togehter so, my kids know that Dad means business. When the kids were younger becuase my husband was working I would take care of the punishmnet and I truly don't like to spank. My kids were easy becuase when I raised my voice there feeling wre hurt and that was al I had to do. My husband has the same abilty to out fear in the kids when he raises his voice.
Now with our teenagers, the oldest is 16, my husband and i dicuss what should be done. We let our sons voice their plea for leneiency and then my husband and I discuss what we thing their pinishment should be depneding on the crime. For Instnce my oldest son was caught smoking the other day. My husband and i do not smoke nor do we approve it. We decide that we would not allow him out with his friends for the weekend as his punishmnet. Now his friends were havinga party and he would be missing it. Need less to say he was very upset the whole weekend but, my husband and i feel that the punishmnet was sever enough so. that he will never smoke or do anything to risk hsi weekend palns again.
As far as the younger kids go. Do as you have always done to reprimand them at the time they do something ans when your husband suggests something else. The next tiem they do something wrong try his way.
My husband and I only new one way of parneting the way werwere brought up by our parnets and we didn't like that way so, we learned together what the best way to teach our kids. We learned togehter. You know we read the book and we tried some different things and we found what works best for our kids.
I don't belive that any parent knows what to do whe nthere kids misbehave. But befor you act you must think. Yeah I know there are times when you want to lose it on them and belive me with 7 boys I have had my share of those times. I kept my fcool and either I would handle thie best way I knew or I would wait for my husband to come home and we would handle it together.
Listen to your husband and try his way he is not accusing you of parenting the children wrong he just feels that his way may work better then your so, try it and see if it works . You may actually learn something from it and he will to.

{{{{hugging you back Mrs. HH}}}}

Thank you for your thoughtful post! I really understood everything you wrote. Oh, you and Tim must have such a wonderful relationship! After I read your post, I reread mine and replayed the scenario in my head and I can imagine how different it might have been if I had continued to present my opinions as questions (as you suggested) as opposed to using so many "I think" statements. It is great getting advice from someone who thinks like G (didn't know there were others like him :D).
Last but not least, what does their mom have to say about it? I don't know what their mother really feels; I only know what G says she feels. He claims that as long as she continues getting money, she would be okay with the idea of the kids living with him. Again, I don't know her, but I find this hard to believe. I do know that she is not willing to move to another school district (I overheard their conversation about it) and I do know that K needs to go to another school ASAP (it's not as urgent that C gets into another school). G has not yet seriously talked with her about the boys living with him, perhaps when he does she will change her mind about moving.

Polly, thank you for your response! You hit the nail right on the head in your second paragraph! Those are all of the concerns I have, especially the emotional ones! Yes, the children would benefit from living with him in some ways, primarily where school is concerned. And the time that he does spend with them is very active and involved (something I sense they don't get with their mother), BUT his available time (especially during the week) is very limited.
To answer your question, no we do not currently live together, though I do live near by. I am quite sure that he is NOT expecting my help unless we are living together (however, I love hanging out with the boys so I know I would offer to help). Also, G is FAR from wealthy; hiring full-time help is basically out of the question. BTW, he only has 2 boys, unless you count his nephew who is basically like a third child! :rolleyes:

p.s. Jo, I love your new AV's!!! You have such a beautiful and very familiar face!