Reality check

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this - and just need advice or reassurance - not sure which.

I met a young lady online in Sept last year - she was coming out of a relationship where she was verbally, emotionally and, at times, physically abused. She was online looking for her prince. She thought she found him and moved in with him right away. That lasted about 3 months. She began emailing me again as that relationship started to fall apart. She moved to her mothers and we began dating in January. She moved in with me within a week of our first date. I am very much in love with her and and we got engaged in July. Now, she has been working again for about 4 months and our life together, at least to me, is becoming routine and mundane, and I can't help but think she is feeling the same.

Recently, a couple of new young sales guys were hired where she works. She went out and got bought new clothes and started curling her hair and wearing makeup to work. I asked her why, given she is absolutely beautiful without that, and she replied, its just 'time'.

I'm not sure what this means. I'm 34 and she is 24. I read an article about younger women and older men, written by an older man, and he went on to say, eventually, all the younger women would leave him for younger men.

I don't think she's cheating, but it seems obvious she wants these younger guys to notice her.

My question is, what can I do to get past my insecurities about the younger guy thing? Do all older men have these feelings about their younger women? What other signs should I look for, that she may be looking around? Or, should I just have the attitude , let her do whatever she's going to do - you can't stop someone from being who they are.

Thanks for reading this question.

Well, first of all, I would like to say that the articles prediction that all younger women will eventually leave their older men for someone younger is hogwash. I believe a majority of the active members of this site are women who are in serious relationships with older men, many of them in age gaps of much more than 10 years, many have been in relationships for a while.

I personally am married to a man 18 years older than I, we have been together for 3 years and married for nearly 2. We are incredibly happy in our relationship and very much in love.

That being said, a couple of key things struck me about your post. First of all, the woman in question was "coming out of a relationship in which she was abused" when you met her. You don't mention how long that relationship lasted. Then, a year ago, she thought she found her prince and moved in with him right away - it lasted 3 months. After that, she met you and moved in with you in less than a week?!?! This woman has been in three serious relationships, at least two of which involved living with the man, within one year.

I would say that it is quite obvious this young woman is desparately seeking something. I believe she needs some serious soul searching herself, and counseling wouldn't hurt either. The things you are describing do seem to indicate that she is interested in someone, not necessarily that she is actually "cheating", but given her recent history, you have a reason to be worried.

I don't really have any words of wisdom for you in your current situation, because it seems to be something only she can deal with. However, I will say that moving in with someone after a week of dating seems extreme and I would always recommend really thinking about it if a partner wants to do this. I would also caution against getting involved with someone who is in obvious relationship trouble. If you see someone like this in the future, proceed with great caution.

But, I would like to add that NONE of these things actually have to do with an age gap. I don't think that the small gap of 10 years between you has ANYTHING to do with what is happening at the moment. There are lots and lots of women involved with older men who do NOT do this sort of thing.

Good luck to you.

MadBess,

thank you so much for your insightful thoughts.

Actually, I feel immature and overreactive. My gut feeling is she is not cheating. I've given her a beautiful home, financial security and she tells me how much she loves me, and shows it, everyday.

The relationship she left was a 5 year - cohabitational relationship with a son.

More than anything, I want this to work. Any ideas on how to approach suggesting she may need therapy?

I agree with Madbess....

It is hogwash that we leave due to age gap reasons... some do.. i can't say everyone doesn't .. but there isn't any relationship around that doesn't have it uncertainties..... I left my same age boyfriend because he was a jerk... so there is no telling... Just take day by day!!! Age should be irrevalent.. usually what destroys these relationships is that we get to fixated on the what ifs... just go with it!!

Keep us posted!!

Thanks to all of you and your opinions. You have given me some excellent starting points. It's great to have a forum like this where people can come and express themselves and reach out and recieve truly profound and helpful advice. This works!! Keep it up.:)

Yes, a lot of men do have these insecurities....but all younger women will not eventually leave thier older partners. My older partner LEFT ME because he feared that I would eventually leave him. Truth? There isn't a thing in the world that would have made me leave him. I'd still be with him today if it was possible.

The warning flags are all over the place. You mentioned a son...where is he now? Has he gone through all this with his mother? I like the couples therepy - maybe even a family session would be good...not only for the past, but for the future of your family....learning, growing, and accepting. I hope this works out for you!!

~EM

Her son is five and has been with her through her relationship changes. For the past eight months he has lived with the two of us in a relatively stable environment and he seems happy, although he does seem to have some learning disabilities and potty-training issues.

Our relationship means alot to me. I love everything about her, the good and the not so good. At times, I wish I could change her past relationship history, but then everything happens for a reason. It just seems like, as she gets more and more comfortable with who she is becoming, I get less and less comfortable to the point where I am consumed with this fear that she is going to want a change, and eventually, she will be smothered by me and ultimately go running to someone else.

Thanks again for listening.:)