Disapproving Families

I am 44 and my YM is 25. My YM's family nor mine (except for my 19-year-old approving daughter!) know about us yet. I told my older sister today. She is probably the most liberal-minded of ANY of my family. She said she didn't have a problem with the race thing (he's black, I'm white). Her only comment was, "He's SO young ... I need to think on it a while." I wasn't asking for her approval -- but just kind of testing the waters a bit before I tell my Mom and brother. My sister knows him - and knows that he's a great guy! I read posts here -- and get SO pumped up and strong -- and then -- IRL -- comments made seem to sort of take me back a few steps and again make me revisit the doubts and fears I sometimes have. How have you managed the inevitable negative comments from disapproving family and friends?

Hmmm. . . go ahead and tell your family. :)

Thanks for that, Mrs... I know it's up to ME to not react to comments... I also am the youngest in my family and they all treat me like a little girl. Growing up in Texas, you know -- you're supposed to live by the "understood yet unspoken rules." My first husband was hispanic. I don't see why this should be much different except for the age -- first husband was one week to the day younger than me. A friend of mine told me to expect a fit from my Mom when I tell her -- but that once she sees that I am happy and that he treats me like I've always deserved to be treated and WASN'T in that charade of a 20-year marriage I endured "for my child" don'tcha know, that she'll probably come around. I kinda dread telling her but know that I'll have to eventually. Right now we're not in a hurry to tell his parents or my Mom, but it's something that can't be avoided forever. Thanks for the support!

Hey Joe, I'm in the Dallas area, too -- we're probably neighbors ;o)

Cool! Peachy and I are in Coppell! :)

We are in Grand Prairie - and Arlington, respectively. Howdy, Neighbors !!

Yeah, y'all are right next to us! Howdy! http://www.multimediapalace.com/flags-usa/tex-flag1.gif

(sorry, no Texas reference here)

I'm sure my mother doesn't really approve of YM - he's 17 1/2 years younger, plus very different ethnic and religious background, but she would dare not say it. She's met him and he's a great person and treats me well, so - - my age appropriate husband was a liar and a cheat.

Even with my liberal brother, it generated some interest/curiosity - the age and difference in backgrounds, but brother admits YM is mature and all; it's not like I was cruising the high school dance or something (oddly, if anything bothers bro, it's that YM is short).

I have a friend who thnks it's just completely inappropriate so never discusses the situation with me, so over the last year and a half as this guy has become increasingly more important to me, she just ignores his existence.

I'll admit I have on occassion gotten a kick out of telling fellow suburban moms my boyfriend's age, but for the most part, it just is what it is - - he's short, young, dark, geeky - - and MINE!

It's OK if you don't have ties to Texas; we'll let ya post anyway, huh Joe ;-) hehe

I am sure once we get beyond the "Mom" hurdle that things will be better for us, too (i.e. - no more "hiding"). I have sometimes worried that people would think that I was "robbing the cradle"-- or that he only wanted me for my money (believe me - I don't HAVE any, and he KNOWS it!). He's very smart, just completed his degree and is now working on his Master's Degree. He has ambition and drive, and that's something that my husband of 20-years never had, either. I have been treated SO well by my YM... Sometimes I think we have to go thru BAD relationships so that we'll know what a good one is when we have it! He tries to reassure me daily -- but you know -- all those YEARS of conditioning that this is right, or that is wrong - sure do take their toll on ya.

It's understandable that you want your family to approve, but if they don't . . . what then?

I have not had one negative reaction or comment in reaction to my relationship with Joe except from my daughter. (And she told the whole world on national television!! LOL) Know what I told her? I'm old enough to make my own decisions about what is right for me and I'm going to live my life my way and I'm going to do everything I want to do as long as I don't hurt anyone and it's not illegal!

You can't live your life for other people. We do that when we're younger and raising children and we make all kinds of concessions during that time of our lives. But after that, I think we have to live for ourselves. And, for me anyway, that means with or without anyone else's approval. It's nice to have, but certainly not a necessity.

Tell your family . . . see what reaction you get . . . hopefully a positive one . . . but, if not, tell them you love them, but you only get one chance at living and you are going to take it!!

Good Luck.

Hello Jay,

We found that continued and consistent acts of loyalty to each other were enough to make our `opponents' distance themselves from us. At first they tried very hard to make the relationship end, but when that failed they grew bored and just went away:)))

Thanks again to all of you who have offered up support. It's real easy to say 'Live your life the way you want to' -- I have a girlfriend who says that people like us - who grew up in strict Christian homes -- have this thing inbred in us - we're automatically guilty of some heinous thing ... just BECAUSE. Here I am an adult woman and my Mom can still give me "THE LOOK." And don't act like you don't know what that is, either ;o) every last one of you know what I'm talking about... The look that can KILL without one WORD. So approval -- yes, it's important to me, but lMom will come around eventually probably, when she sees how well Jay treats me and can see that we truly do love each other and that age is just a number. Thanks again for all the positive words -- I really appreciate it. Seems to make all those doubts melt away!

You can't live your life for other people. We do that when we're younger and raising children and we make all kinds of concessions during that time of our lives. But after that, I think we have to live for ourselves. And, for me anyway, that means with or without anyone else's approval. It's nice to have, but certainly not a necessity.

Yes, and it's certainly great to be living life for myself finally! Some battles are hard won. Learning to be your own best friend is never a mistake, that's for sure.

...you need to make a decision as to what you will do if the reaction is negative. I don't mean as to the fate of your relationship, just as to how you will handle your family. Personally, I think that your choice of S.O. is your decision alone, and no look from your mom should influence it.

As I have said in previous posts under the Danelectro name, I have not yet told my family due to proximity to them and the fact that I want to make completely sure about things before bringing my GF into my family life.

Yes, I am sure that I want to marry her. Yes, I am sure that we will not break up, and yes, I am sure she is as wonderful as I believe her to be. No, I don't need the added stress of a fight with my mother over this, especially not while I am in the middle of changing jobs, and no, her approval or lack of approval has no bearing on my feelings for my GF, and if she were to give my GF any crap, I would happily disassociate myself from her for a good year.

As to 'the look', I have learned to respond with a few looks of my own, and at thirty seven years of age, I have no tolerance for my mom trying to mother me.

I guess in short, some people will not approve just because, and then provide no logical reason to support their disapproval. never mind that most older married couples that I have met are an age gap couple, just that it is the man who is ten years older. Kinda hypocritical if you ask me. For that reason, don't listen to your detractors unless they can give you a cogent and logical reason other than just age as to why they don't approve. Personally, I betcha they can't.

I wish you the best, because I am in a similar situation. Chances are, you will get a positive response. If you don't, don't lose sleep over it.

DanE

Originally posted by Jay's Love
Here I am an adult woman and my Mom can still give me "THE LOOK." And don't act like you don't know what that is, either ;o) every last one of you know what I'm talking about... The look that can KILL without one WORD. So approval -- yes, it's important to me...

I can't help it, Jay's Love. I laughed outloud when I read this! :D My mother is famous for her "look." All three of us kids (her adult children, mind you, me being the youngest) cringe just thinking about her "evil eye." LOL.

And I can soooo relate to your fear of her disapproval. When YM and I first started seeing each other, I knew I would get the evil eye treatment. So, I wasn't exactly forthcoming about the nature and depth of my relationship with YM. After maybe two months of seeing each other, my Mom asked if he was my boyfriend (it wasn't official then, as in, spoken between YM and I officially) and I said no. Three and a half months ago, when I was still living at my parents between houses, he would come by every day and either spend time with me or take me out. My mom would just roll her eyes and/or give the 'evil eye' outright. My dad was much better, and by the end of the two weeks I stayed there, was talking to YM when he came over (VERY rare for my dad). But, YM withstood the silent treatment AND the evil eye with such grace and tact and didn't run away from the 'uncomfortable' factor. He wanted to see me, and nothing deterred him.

And you know what? My parents have scared off enough people in my life by simply being intimidating in a non-offensive manner, the mere fact he endured that without batting and eye speaks volumes about his committment to me! :D

Now, my Mom knows we're living together, but we pretty much just avoid the topic. Occasionally she makes her objectionary, under the breath comments about her 'disapproval' of the situation, but I don't let it go further than that. She and I are very close. I work with my dad and I see my mother every day, except Saturdays. Dad never says anything. Well, that's not entirely true. A couple weeks ago, I went to lunch with YM. The guy at the lunch place told my Dad later when he went to lunch there, that I had been in with a "young man I must have pulled out of the attic." (Strange Afghani guy, but terrificly funny sometimes). My dad came into the office, asked me in a kinda of "what the heck are you doing, little girl" kind of way, "Who were you having lunch with today??" I said, "Ahh... J." He said, "WHO" and I said "Jeremy!!" and he visibly relaxed and said, "Oh, okay" smiled and walked away. His reaction was as if he was afraid I was cheating on my YM!!! I think that's as close as I'll come to getting an approval from him. LOL.

YM's mother simply does not approve. She's made that perfectly clear and thinks I will dispose of him when I'm 'done' with him. Hah. All I can say is... I absolutely LOVE living with J. Not going to happen.

So, we deal with negativity, due to our closeness to our families. It's not a deterrent. I'm committed to him 100% and his actions speak volumes about his committment to me. And my kids... well, they absolutely, emphatically adore him.

But wow.. I can relate to the "look." LOL. Ohhhh yes. But, I'd rather endure the "look" from my Mom than the disappointment of my YM anyday. :D I love him, am willing to stand up and tell the world I love him, and forget the naysayers. They don't know what they're talking about!

~phosphorescent

First of all, thanks to all of you for sharing your stories and how you've handled people who look down their nose at you for being so "Demi-like" lol As for me, you know -- I think sometimes that people my OWN age are jealous because a younger guy is attracted to me. What I told a girlfriend of mind that just turned 40 and is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, yet likes to whine about how awful her love life is -- was, "Hey, you can get a YM, too! -- why NOT?" haha

And about "the LOOK" -- I told my daughter that when I start to sound or act like "MawMaw" - to be SURE she points it out to me IMMEDIATELY... haha... She said, Oh, don't worry - you know I will!! I'm scared to death because we all eventually become bits and pieces of our Moms -- even MY Mom did it.... she does some of the very things she used to complain about that her OWN Mother did!!