I finally did it.....

Hi everyone........I haven't posted in a while. In the past I was under another name and I forgot what it was..........sorry. Anyway, I am back with an update. First, some backgroung: I had written about meeting a wonderful YM, but was still living with my husband of 20 years. My husband and I were room mates, nothing else. I was, and am, in school. Financially, it was almost impossible for me to move out and be an 'honest' woman. My husband knew about my YM, but acted as though nothing was going on, he would say he was waiting for 'the phase' to pass so we could go back to how we were. I had recently lost 185 pounds and had hoped that my husband would FINALLY notice me. I met my YM online after my brother died unexpectedly and had no one to lean on. He was my friend ONLINE only for almost a year. It was only after my brother died that we met in person. (we had never even talked on the phone.)

Anyway, I had debated on what to do next. I worked my butt off all summer and saved every penny I could and decided to do the 'right' thing and move out. It has been financially challanging, but I am so much happier. I feel like my husband will be able to figure out who he is. I could not sit back and allow him to hurt anymore. He would have stayed forever, he hates change. He is a good person. I harbor no hard feelings. I know he gave all he had to give, he had no example as a child. I begged and begged, for 18 years, for his attention, for us to go get help. He refused.

He now tells me that he realizes that he did nothing for all those years. Everything was on his terms or it didn't happen. He told me he loved me, but I believed his lack of affection, his lack of interest and his lack of compliments more than his words. Actions speak louder than words. It's been hard, I feel bad for him but I had to do what was best for everyone.

My YM is patiently waiting for me to settle into this new life. I am in school full time and I work as close to full time as possible. I will graduate with my RN in May, so I only have to survive another year on my salary. My husband has yet to offer me any support for our 3 kids. That has made matters even harder. I have a lawyer and the case is in the process..........but it could take a couple of months.

I know a lot of you disagreed with my starting a new relationship before I ended the other. You were all right and I said so. I NEEDED some attention, I needed to be told I was a good person. I had been starving for attention for 18 years when I met my YM and I had lost all that weight and felt like a complete failure anyway. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, I know it was the wrong order. I never convinced myself that I was justified because of how I felt, I just knew that my YM was the best thing I had ever known and I wasn't walking away from him.

He continues to amaze me and to fulfill me. I'm finally happy.

Thanks for reading this LONG letter. Please be gentle with your responses. I'm not looking for a pat on the back, just a few friends who know what it's like to love a younger man.

Blu...........

It sounds like you've definitely had some challenges (and still are) but now you're coming from a place of honesty and integrity and are obviously feeling better about things. I'm sorry your marriage broke down, but one thing I learned from my divorce is that you can't successfully uphold a marriage all by yourself. If your partner just isn't there for you, and refuses to even try, then sadly you don't have a lot of options available. Some people stay and tie themselves to a slow death of a marriage, others decide to abandon the sinking ship and start again.

You're a brave woman and I wish you all the best for you and your YM.

kudos to you for going forth with your life instead of adhering/adhereing *?* yourself to a dead marriage.
takes guts and hope.
no where to go but up from here, gal.

:D
Trace

Hi Blue Eyes,
Yes I think I remember you from before. It seems youve gone through a lot of changes since you were here before. Im glad you have gotten your life in order and are finding happiness now Blue Eyes. Welcome back.

You lost 185 pounds, that is terrific! Congratulations Blue Eyes.

You are making alot of changes in your life. I suspect all these things have happened because you just couldn't go on the way you had been all those years. A lot of people have walked more than a few miles in your moccasins.

Do the best you can for yourself and your children and build on the progress you have made in your life to date. I suspect when you met your ym you were looking for a lifeline, even though you didn't realize it at the time.

As women we tend to put our own happiness behind that of our spouse and our children. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

We don't always get the chance at a new life and a new love. You are to be commended for taking it all head on.

Believe me I know it takes a big gamble to change your life and move on. But hopefully this is for the better and besides isn't finding yourself the first step in happiness. So I wish you all the luck and especially a happy outcome for your kids. Let's hope too your YM has lots of patience and understanding....

:)

the waxer

I agree with everyone else...you did all you could for your marriage and as he refuse to work along with you, he's lost a great partner. I feel sad for him to have not wanted to put his best effort into your marriage first, if not for himself then for you and the kids.

he's going to regret that bitterly someday.

All you can do now is stay focus on your studies...its great that you have someone else to push you along, but it doesn't take the place of your own accomplishments and doing things for you. As Bubblebee says, women tend to put their own happiness before there own and i suspect you're doing the same with this ym, but remember that you can do any thing whether he's in your life or not. Lifeline or not, they can be broken because someone doesn't want to carry you either, so step back, take stock of your worth and your strength and don't let anyone crush what is, in essence, your coming out into your own. Think positive, stay positive. Good luck,

Paris

Your ex's loss is someone else's gain! Don't let the transition period worry you too much, they are always hard and sometimes last longer than we think they should. But you ended an old phase in life and began another. Just remember that this is a new YOU!

Thank you all for such encouraging words. I looked back more times than I would like to admit and wondered if I was being completely selfish for putting my happiness before my husbands. I really am heartbroken that he is hurting. I felt like a complete b*tch for only looking forward. I know that in time we will both be better people for it.

I wanted to come back to this group so much. I read postings all the time. I was afraid to post because I knew that I was wrong for starting a relationship with my YM before completely ending the other. I knew I had been honest with my husband, he knew my heart had moved on, he also knew I couldn't afford to move out and he was happy I was still there. I was afraid of being dismissed as a 'cheater.' To a degree, that is what I was, but the story behind my relationship was a lot more than just cheating, sometimes people only see what they want to, I wasn't up to being judged anymore. I was harsh enough on myself.

I am still sad for him, I will be until he wakes up and moves on. I am, on the otherhand, very content. I'm me, just me...........for once in my life. (But this time I am a mom, the role I gladly take, no matter what road I travel.)

BlueEyes

Sweetie,

You did something wrong and then you made it right.

There is nothing more corageous and honorable than that, in my book.

You not only should come back and stay, but you should be aware that you have my utmost admiration and respect.

I can't speak for everyone, but when it comes to cheating in a marriage, the intent of any advice I have ever offered is to encourage people to do exactly what you did.

Congratulations!