Jealousy Is Killing My Marriage!!!!!

I'm new to this site, and I'm glad I found it. I need some unbiast advice so here goes,

There is a 15 years difference between my husband and myself (32 - 47), I have 2 children from my previous marriage (12-15) and so does he (16-22). We have been married for 2 1/2 years and it was absolutely great until last year.......

We met on the internet and I knew that he had profiles on several sites. After we got married, it all seemed to stop, however, about a year later, i found some sites where he had posted pictures of himself on these sites (he wasn't making contact with anyone - or I never found any) - well the pictures we of him on our honeymoon!!!. His defense was that he just liked "looking at pictures" and that I was what he wanted. Well, I was completely devastated and I kicked him out.

I started dating someone else, and he was fully aware of this, he was begging me back and we reconciled on thanksgiving of last year and it has been so, so difficult. I have severe trust issues and so does he.

Our marriage will never, ever be the same, I love him and I know he loves me, but I don't trust him. I cannot get over what he did to me, He also doesn't trust me. - I can't go out with any of my friends unless he is with me; he gets upset when I get invited somewhere and I don't invite him, If I want to go out with my friends, its an all out argument - he brow beats me so I end up not going - even though I want to. And he is perfectly ok with that.

He thinks that all guys are trying to get in my pants, he checks my cell phone to see who I'm talking to, checks my email, but yet says he trusts me, its the guys he doesn't trust -

What do I do?????? He is great in every other way, but this is a big, big issue in our marriage, and we can't get through it

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks,

Kimib

Hmmm. . . lots of insecurity issues. Have y'all went to a counselor?

Haven't done the counseling yet; and I'm not sure I want to....not sure if it will truly help. I know myself, and I know I can be stubborn and hard headed sometimes, and I have never, ever, gone back to a person once they have hurt me.

Originally posted by Nessa
well if he doesn't trust you I hate to say that SOMETIMES it's because he's doing untrustworthy things himself.


I concur!!!

You've got nothing to loose and everything to gain by trying counseling for six months.

Give it a shot.

Peace,
thatgirl

Guys see here's the thing, I really don't want counseling, Maybe its me, I don't know, but I what I do know, is that this really sucks.

Before all that stuff happened, I was SO devoted to him; we were best friends, lovers and got along great, and I feel like he took that away from me because of what he did. I can honestly say that I'm am still bitter and resentful. We have been back together almost a year and I still get pissed off when I think about it. Not as bad as I used to, but the bad feelings are still there. Is it me? He hasn't given me any other reason to feel that way, but why do I? He tells me how beautiful Iam and the first thought that comes to my mind is "then why were you looking on personals sites?" See, I'm horrible!!!!!

No one is negating your feeling.

You have every reason to be pissed--I'd be pissed off too.

Maybe you don't want counseling right now because you feel that you still need to hold onto your anger. I'll tell you one thing though, the longer you hold onto your anger and hold off working through it, the more your marriage will suffer. The point of the counseling is to work through the crap feelings you have toward your husband right now and to do it in a way that's constructive.

Peace,
thatgirl

Exactly what thatgirl said! It takes two in a marriage and not one or the other, but both to put forth an effort to "rekindle" a flame.

I try and try and try and its not working - we get along, its just that the bad feelings pop up - ok, 2 weeks ago, he told me taht he was "deleting" his profile of an old personal site he was on - well I saw where he did infact, do that, but he looked through mail and the profiles of the women who sent him that mail - so whats up with that? Do I just let it go? and chalk it up to "its a man thing" ?

I'll catch him watching "soft porn" and singles shows - and it's just so stupid to me and irritating.....

But the picture I have of myself on my profile here, is on my public profile on yahoo and he about had a stroke and said that i needed to take it off, because he doesn't like it - cause it's to revealing - Thats the kind of stuff that just annoys me to no end.

I don't like him watching boobie movies, or whatever else, and he has told me that he had stopped, but then he does this stuff behind my back (i found pictures of a woman that he downloaded on his computer at work) he said that it was a joke that they were playing on a guy at the office....blah, blah, blah, whatever

Nessa,

Thank you so much for your advice. I really do appreciate it. I have been so wronged in my life that unfortunately, it has left me with scars. I have changed a lot and am proud of who i have become, and have tried to set a good example for my kids. I don't want them to see a weak woman in an unhealthy relationship. I want both of them to be strong, emotionally healthy individuals.

when my husband and I met, we had "guidlines", boundries and expectations of our relationship and marriage that we BOTH agreed on, and it somehow was diluted and misconstruded or just flat out ignored, and its sad.

I've never been a jealous person but have been in two marriages where he was jealous. Both have failed. My first husband had me followed and tried to prevent me from progressing in life so as to have me a kept woman. My second husband said the same things your husband says, "It's not you I don't trust, it's the men." That's bull! I'm not going to trip and fall with my legs open! I, too, was very angry - and still am a little - that he ruined our relationship of 13 years (with two children).

Counseling can be a great thing to work through your feelings, but the deeper issues are the personalities within the marriage. If counseling cannot cure jealousy - a disease in my opinion - then counseling cannot cure the marriage. There needs to be trust and communication both ways.

You sound like you're where I was. Too angry to want to fix it. Is the other guy still in the picture? Do you think your husband will ever not be jealous? Will he go to a counselor to work on the jealousy? Are you still jealous?

Even if you split, you still have to work through your jealousy issues. The next guy won't last if you are still jealous.

I hope that whatever the right thing is for you in your life happens. I don't necessarily think this marriage is what's right, but without being a fly on the wall I obviously can't say for sure.

In my opinion I think Kimib reacted to what she was seeing...she confronted him about his online antics, she wants to have freedom to go and do things with her friends without him being overly concerned...I think he is the jealous one, and she just wants a sense of normalcy about their relationship...I mean, if my guy used personal pics taken on our honeymoon, for a singles match site, I would come unglued too...I think she has a good head on her shoulders and just wants to know he is hers, and she is his...I am not likely to get counseling either, I mean...everyone will just go into therapy, say what everyone wants to hear, watch the therapist write on his/her clipboard...then what? the therapist is not going to go home with them and make sure they change their lives....
But for some , therapy is great...but it takes an open mind to follow through with treatment...Does he recognize there is something very wrong with his online behavior? is it just online? I mean, are women calling your house or anything? I hope not that extream....
I am rambling...
My advice...is sit down and talk to him when he is not on the defensive...tell him you need time out to enjoy friends company...
tell him you would hope that you meant more to him than to fall back on the internet sleeze...you married him...better or worse....
this may be a stepping stone to a more beautiful relationship in the long run..keep it honest, and calm when speaking to him...maybe ask him why he has a need for such things, when you are all he needs..some people are sex addicts, some people are internet junkies...maybe he is having a hard time breaking away from his fantasy net life...to some people, going online is just like being the star in a comic book, they figure it is all fun and games, and not even think for a minute that it could be crushing a human soul that is so close to them....
That's all I got for now...PM me if you want to chat about something..I wish you both luck...
If I was in a marriage, I would definately do everything in my power to keep the love and faith which brought two souls together..
Peace,
Yvette
EDIT:spelling

I think you two are stonewalling each other and someone is going to need to change the interaction between you two for your marriage to have a chance.

Since you discussed this prior to marriage, what he's doing is clearly wrong. When he makes the absurd excuses, he, as Nessa said, is adding insult to injury by lying. Having an issue with your photo while he is looking at what ever he wants is a double standard.

I get the feeling from you however that "I wouldn't be mad if he didn't do that, so since it's his fault, HE needs to take steps to fix this therefore, I'M not doing anything until he shows some effort."

Big circle of dog chasing it's tail.

Yes someone started it, but at this point does it really matter? Doesn't it now come to choice about what you want to do about your situation?

You're clearly angry with good reason. I do wonder though if your husband uses some of your anger as an excuse to carry on his behavior. I also wonder if your anger has maybe just a bit to do with your photo. Not that it's an unattractive photo, but it *is* revealing. I wonder if you would have posted something like it if he wouldn't have done everything you've told us about.

Back to the choices. You can choose to do nothing and watch your marriage build more resentment on both sides, or you can suck it up and make the first move to work through the b.s.

In all marriages, one party *needs* to step up when there's an impasse. Ideally, it's not always the same party and over the years there's give-and-take.

Conflict resolution begins with taking one step back and reapproaching.

Not easy, but true.

Peace,
thatgirl

[i
You're clearly angry with good reason. I do wonder though if your husband uses some of your anger as an excuse to carry on his behavior. I also wonder if your anger has maybe just a bit to do with your photo. Not that it's an unattractive photo, but it *is* revealing. I wonder if you would have posted something like it if he wouldn't have done everything you've told us about.

Back to the choices. You can choose to do nothing and watch your marriage build more resentment on both sides, or you can suck it up and make the first move to work through the b.s.

In all marriages, one party *needs* to step up when there's an impasse. Ideally, it's not always the same party and over the years there's give-and-take.

Conflict resolution begins with taking one step back and reapproaching.

Not easy, but true.

Peace,
thatgirl [/B]
good Post Thatgirl! I agree with you , and references to Nessas post as well...she truely has the power to nip this in the bud ..I think....
Peace,
Yvette

I want to thank all of you for your advice - it helps to have a fresh set of eyes look at something. I can admit that I have done wrong in my marriage, I'm not perfect, nor do I profess to be. I am stubborn, strongwilled and I believe that in a marriage its not each person giving 50% it each person giving 100%, everyday. I don't try and be better than anyone else, and i don't like to wave sabers all the time.

It may appear that I have a bad attitude toward this situation, but i have really, really tried to be decent and grown about this, I have talked calmy with my husband several times about this, but it just keeps happening. And the feelings that I work on get refreshed everytime we go through something like this.

The whole going out with my friends thing - well i never go, to avoid an argument and respect his wishes. He feels that a married woman doesn't need to be out at night with single friends - then he will say well then what if I went to a titty bar? which has NOTHING to do with anything. I don't go to places like that

I love my husband - but I also ask myself, how much if to much? And when is enough enough?

I want to thank all of you for your advice - it helps to have a fresh set of eyes look at something. I can admit that I have done wrong in my marriage, I'm not perfect, nor do I profess to be. I am stubborn, strongwilled and I believe that in a marriage its not each person giving 50% it each person giving 100%, everyday. I don't try and be better than anyone else, and i don't like to wave sabers all the time.

It may appear that I have a bad attitude toward this situation, but i have really, really tried to be decent and grown about this, I have talked calmy with my husband several times about this, but it just keeps happening. And the feelings that I work on get refreshed everytime we go through something like this.

The whole going out with my friends thing - well i never go, to avoid an argument and respect his wishes. He feels that a married woman doesn't need to be out at night with single friends - then he will say well then what if I went to a titty bar? which has NOTHING to do with anything. I don't go to places like that

I love my husband - but I also ask myself, how much if to much? And when is enough enough?

"...and I believe that in a marriage its not each person giving 50% it each person giving 100%, everyday."

While the concept is nice, this truly is an unrealistic expectation. Both of you will have good days and bad days where the percentages are more and less. I would venture to say that perhaps these unrealistic expectations are causing you to retain your anger.

No one is a saint, just remember that.


"It may appear that I have a bad attitude toward this situation, but i have really, really tried to be decent and grown about this, I have talked calmy with my husband several times about this, but it just keeps happening. And the feelings that I work on get refreshed everytime we go through something like this."

No one is saying that you haven't *tried*

The thing is, this is where the counseling can help you get over this hump.

It's something that can't happen on a message board.

Peace,
thatgirl

Hey there !! and Welcome!!!!

I can't top what these guys have said!! Therapy will only work if you let it work... its a great tool... even if it's just to help you sort your own feelings!!

KEep us posted
mer

Ms hedgehog

I got your post and I wanted to say thanks - My husband and I do out together every saturday night to our favorite club and we have our little flirting games to and it is wonderful!! - we have a wonderful time together, and I just seem to go back and forth with my emotions - one day im ok, the next - im not, idon't know.

Like I said previously, i have done wrong in my marriage and I can admit that, he tells me loves me unconditionally, with exceptions and some - (like trust - he didn't say that part i did) - that doesn't make sense to me, am I missing something?

we have failed marriages between us we didn't want to make the same mistakes we made the first time, so we have always made it a point to communicate and talk things out without screaming yelling, or being ugly to each other, i have never, ever called him a name, nor have we ever so much as thought about striking one another. It just seems like we bump heads on one issue, and wether its right or wrong, we have both agreed to disagree on it., but with that being said, we can't come to a compromise on it either, and it is SOOOO frustrating.

I know he is gorgeous, intelligent, has a great personality and sense of humor, he is good at what he does - but we always will joke and say that his eyes are green for jealousy - and its true, and thats the really hard part. When we reconciled, he said he would ease up on me going out with my friends and he hasn't. If I am invited, I make sure its not on a saturday cause thats our night, he always knows where I'll be and I always have my cell phone, but still, it doesn't matter......

I guess I'm just really frustrated and am trying keep the peace - at my expense