My boyfriend is driving me insane!

The last few weeks my boyfriend and I have had a lot of stress. Both individually and together. I've had to change my life weekly for the past almost month due to hurricanes. I tend to be a creature of habit and changes in my daily routine highly stress me. This stress is then pushed on to him, although I try not to. He has to deal with me being irritated and such. Then, I was hospitalized for two days because my blood pressure was dangerously low and my hemoglobin was extremely low. Turns out I've had b12 and folic acid deficiency anemia since 1996. They thought I had iron deficiency anemia so I was overloaded with iron supplements which weren't working to increase my iron and my iron levels dropped to an all time low for me last week. Now I have to take b12 shots daily. I also injured my knee at the gym doing squats and had to get an MRI done. So I had a lot going on.

My boyfriend is having surgery in less than two weeks and has to prepare to leave his job for 6 weeks after the surgery. So he's had a lot to do at work. He also has to sell three of his five cars but isn't having much sucess with that. He's trying to cram in as much as he can pre surgery since he will have to limit what he can do post surgery for 6 weeks. On top of that he is dealing with me and my stresses. While also having to deal with the death of his uncle and his mother falling sick. She too was hospitalized.

We are also both celebrating our birthdays in about 5 weeks. He is really freaking out about turning 40. I can tell it bothers him. He says he is really old, this, that and the other. I assure him I don't think he is old. He certainly doens't look old and is often carded. This doesn't usually help reassure him for long. He will think about it again a few days later and worry about being 40. He also has this thing in his mind, call it a checklist if you will, of things that he must accomplish before turnig 40. Or at least what society feels 40 year olds should have accomplished. He thinks of himself as a failure for not having accomplished some of the things he (society) thinks one should have accomplished by 40.

So I realize he has a lot of stress just like I do. But the last week he has been very different. I feel like he is cutting me out of his life, almost. We talk but we don't communicate. Our conversations are all the same every day for the past week or maybe two weeks. "Hi! How are you?". "Good! And you?". "What are you doing today (or tomorrow)?". "Cool. Sounds good. Have fun!" "How was work today?"... Every day for the week or two!

It's driving me insane!!!

So I realized we are both under a lot of stress and I take this into consideration when we do talk. The other day I told him I wished I knew what was on his mind. His response was, sometimes I wish I knew what was on yours. I thought this would be a great oppurtunity to start a much needed conversation where we would both actually communicate. So I start telling him everything that's on my mind. But I realize he isn't paying a damn bit of attention. He is busy doing something on his computer. I don't continue sharing the things on my mind. Instead I figure that he has enough to stress about and hearing about my stressors is not helping him so I just shut up. I don't act upset or anything either. I actually felt understanding. I know that when I'm stressed the last thing I want to hear is someone else's problems. So I figure he too may be like that since we are both very similar in many ways.

Okay, then a few days pass and he is still acting funny. It was the day before I was to have my MRI. In the conversation sometime that night I said, "Tomorrow I have my MRI". He responds, "What are you having that done for?". I instantly felt crushed. I thought, wow, he doesn't even remember what I'm having an MRI for. This is coming from someone who loves me. I know that during the most stressful times I fail to forget anything about someone I hold so close to me, someone I love. I think he realized how I felt about this and he sort of apologized. I again didn't say anything about how that made me feel. I just reminded him about my knee injury and what not. He goes, "oh yeah! how is your knee?". Again, I felt like he was completely tuning me out when we talk or not even paying a bit of attention. But again, I don't mention this to him.

Well today all of his actions or lack there of for the past week or two weeks, however long it's been, have caught up with me. I am completely frustated. I want to scream at him for being the way he has been. (Which is very unlike me. I am not one to raise my voice often at all.) I think I've just had enough of his behavior. I feel like I don't even want to talk to him. Geez, I even thought about breaking up with him. I keep telling myself that maybe he doesn't give a **** about me. Maybe he doesn't care about my life, or how I feel, or anything about me since he forgot about my MRI (which I told him about at least three times). I keep questioning everything he says or does. For the past week I have also not told him I love him when we end our conversations. He says it but I don't say it back. I just say "okay!". I'm quite positive he has noticed this change in my behavior but he hasn't mentioned anything about it. Today he did ask me what was wrong when we talked this morning. But I said nothing. I think I would of totally freaked out on him if I would of started telling him what was wrong with me. I had not thought about how I would talk to him about this yet without making him feel attacked, which is why I said nothing was wrong.

I hate being confrontational. Maybe that's my problem. I have a hard time telling people that things they do or say upset me, etc. I feel like I will hurt their feelings or upset them which is something I strive to seldom do to others. The even bigger problem is that he hates being confrontational too. So this could last forever if one of us doesn't do step up and open their mouth! UGH! :(

How can I get over my fear of confrontation? I will literally start shaking and lose all my thoughts when I have to be confrontational. I've done it once in my adult life and it didn't go well at all.

I need help or maybe just some words of encouragement.

Dayng, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll keep y'all in prayer.

Well... although my situation is a bit different than yours, I've been feeling the same way in my relationship (i.e. he's too busy to care what's going on in your life).

I don't consider myself "confrontational" either, but when there is a problem, I think communication is KEY in any relationship.

When something is bothering you, it doesn't help to hold it in. In fact, if you're anything like me, the more you hold things in, the more they build up... and then eventually, you'll reach your breaking point and completely blow up.

If you've been feeling like there is a problem, then I'd suggest telling your boyfriend. He has the right to know if you're unhappy-- and from the way you've described your conversations recently, chances are he could be feeling the same way, and he knows that something is up.

Rather than letting the stress get to you, I would tell him that even though your schedules are both packed right now, you would like to make some time together to talk or something. Then when you do get to talk to him, tell him that you realize that you're both going through a lot, but that you want to be supportive of him, and you expect the same in return. Remind him that you love him, but that you haven't felt that he's been there for you, etc.

That's just an idea... of course, I don't know either of you, but I'm sure that if you just have a heart-to-heart with him and try to work it out, you'll be much happier in the long run than if you were to just throw in the proverbial towel.

I hope everything gets better soon, with your health and his surgery, (THE WEATHER!) and your relationship. ;)

First of all Bella....put your avatar back! I always thought when I saw it....hey, if I continue exercising and working out, maybe one day I could look like that! Okay, maybe not just like that, but you know.

Im also a nonconfrontational person, and I actually have let that affect my life to a great degree. For many years I would let certain people in my life just continue behaviors that hurt me, and never said a thing.

About the past 3 years or so, I have started to overcome that....In my case it took a grown-up picking on one of my children to snap me out of it. I found out once I expressed my thoughts to this person how truly GOOD it felt to finally let out those feelings you keep bottled up inside of you. I also found out that when I kept it bottled up, it would come out in an explosion! And boy, that first time I confronted someone like that...I was shaking, my voice was cracking, and I felt like I was going to cry.

It really does sound like you both are under a lot of stress, and Im betting maybe there are things he wants/needs to share with you as well. I wonder if maybe you couldn't just ease into a conversation.....by saying something like..."You know, I really love you, do you think we could talk about some things?" I know that sounds kind of lame, but sometimes if you get started on the right foot, it will all just spill out. I think you both would feel so much better.

There are some needs you have that are not being met, and you deserve that. But I think you will have to express those needs to him for him to understand.

Just bite the bullet! Be strong! Make sure you don't start the conversation at a time when you are feeling angry. And don't feel bad about letting him know how your feeling.....The fact that the two of you are not communicating well is probably far more stress on both of you than just going ahead and having this talk.....At least that is my opinion.

I sure hope your MRI turns out okay....and my thoughts are with you.

Originally posted by Jo-Admin
First of all Bella....put your avatar back! I always thought when I saw it....hey, if I continue exercising and working out, maybe one day I could look like that! Okay, maybe not just like that, but you know.

You could look like that or even better! I haven't always had this lean body.


Im also a nonconfrontational person, and I actually have let that affect my life to a great degree. For many years I would let certain people in my life just continue behaviors that hurt me, and never said a thing.

That's what I've done all my life. The worse thing is that I give other's advice on how to stand up for oneself, voice opinions, etc. for a living (sort of) yet I don't practice what I preach. Ha!

And boy, that first time I confronted someone like that...I was shaking, my voice was cracking, and I felt like I was going to cry.

That's exactly what happened the one and only time I was ever confrontational face to face with a person just about 4 months ago.

The first time I was ever confrontational on the telephone it was even worse and lasted even longer. Then I felt really bad after both insitances. Sometimes I think too much, I swear!

It really does sound like you both are under a lot of stress, and Im betting maybe there are things he wants/needs to share with you as well. I think you both would feel so much better.

There are some needs you have that are not being met, and you deserve that. But I think you will have to express those needs to him for him to understand.

The fact that the two of you are not communicating well is probably far more stress on both of you than just going ahead and having this talk.

I went out to a local festival type event just to spend a few hours away from everything that has been causing me stress. I had a lot of fun but I missed my boyfriend a lot. There was a band that played tons of oldies. This band is pretty popular in this area and brings many older people. I felt like I was at a real life version of Ageless! There were 60+ men with women who were as young as 20 yrs. old. There were also women in their 40 (and older) with men who barely looked 18. I ended up dancing, by myself at first, and later with a 78 year old man who had a 22 year old girlfriend.

Anyways, when I left there tonight I felt better and ready to talk to my boyfriend without freaking out on him. So I called him when I got home. Our conversation started and I apologized for being *****y to him earlier today when we spoke. I really was or at least I thought so. He said he figured I was under a lot of stress and didn't think I was *****y but rather just cold and distant. So this started our conversation. We both talked about how we were feeling, what was stressing each of us, and what we could do to help one another. So, finally after about two weeks, we have started communicating again. Thank goodness! He knows I hate being confrontational and tonight I told him why I haven't talked to him about all this previously since its been on my mind for two weeks or so. I think he understood.

I didn't feel confrontational when this was brought up tonight. Maybe what I need to do is find a way to communicate about things like this without feeling like its a confrontation. I guess this makes me a behavioral analyst who needs help adjusting her beahvior herself. :p

I sure hope your MRI turns out okay....and my thoughts are with you.
I had my MRI last week or maybe it was the week before. These days everyday runs into one another so I don't even remember. I have a slight tear in a ligament. I'm suppose to stop working out until it heals but ofcourse I haven't listened to the doctor. I injured this knee two years ago doing lunges. I was using weights that were too heavy for me and my form was bad. I let my knee go over my toes and when I came up I felt like a rubber band popping under my skin. Well, stupid me I continued working out that day and the next morning my knee looked like it had grown a grapefruit. I didn't go to the doctor then. Then a few weeks ago I re-injured my knee doing squats. I figure at this rate, in about 5 years I'll need a new knee. LOL!

Anyways, thanks for taking your time to read my post and reply. Same goes for the other two who replied. :)

Originally posted by LoveMyMan4320


I don't consider myself "confrontational" either, but when there is a problem, I think communication is KEY in any relationship.

I agree! I like to say, every relationship must have a strong foundation otherwise it will wash away. I remember it by saying every relationship is FUCT (pronounced like the other four letter f word). In other for relationships to be long lasting they must have this very important foundation composed of Friendship, Understanding, Communication, and Trust.

This is the first time we have had a communication issue in the almost one year we've been together. I think that played a part in my having a hard time dealing with all of this.

When something is bothering you, it doesn't help to hold it in. In fact, if you're anything like me, the more you hold things in, the more they build up... and then eventually, you'll reach your breaking point and completely blow up.

...from the way you've described your conversations recently, chances are he could be feeling the same way, and he knows that something is up.

I do hold things in, let them build up, but I don't blow up at the person who caused the build up. I usually blow at someone completely innocent who had nothing to do with the build up. Usually my mom. She happens to call or come visit when I'm about to blow up. Never fails. Poor lady.

I hope everything gets better soon, with your health and his surgery, (THE WEATHER!) and your relationship. ;)

Thanks! :)

Oh yeah, I think a lot of our stress this time is also highly due to the fact that we are apart. He lives in Canada and I live in Florida. We haven't seen one another in 7 weeks now. It will be 4 more weeks before we see one another. This distance is really killing both of us. This is the longest we have been apart ever.

I thought y'all were getting ready for a competition?

Originally posted by Joe
I thought y'all were getting ready for a competition?

I'm competing at the end of November. He's had to drop out of his competition because he has to have three surgeries later this month and early next month.

We don't compete in the same comps anyways. He's done shows in Canada and Michigan. I've competed in GA, FL, and the Emerald Cup in the NW. He does bodybuilding and I do fitness and figure. I don't have enough muscle, nor do I want that much muscle, to compete in bodybuilding.

There is a competition soon in Texas. Do you attend those at all? Nationals are either later this month or early next. I don't rememeber right off the top of my head right now.

And yea, when we're prepping for a show stress is even higher but you don't even have the energy to worry about things that stress you then. Ha!

We always have the SW Expo and Nova Fitness!!! Just went to the SW championships last month. I've been goin' for the last 5 years. Have a few bros that compete in there and a lot of women that compete in those pro shows train at my gym.

Last night before I went to bed I took three pictures with my digital camera for my boyfriend and mailed them to him when I knew he'd already be in bed. That way he'd look at them when he checked his mail today before heading to work.

One of the pictures I held a sign that said "I love you! Hope you have a GREAT day at work!". I wore a huge smile in that picture. The other two were just silly pics I knew he'd at least get a chuckle out of when he saw me being goofy just for him. He replied today saying, "What was it that you smoked last night? You look very silly!" and "Thanks for the smile and message baby! I needed to see that smile today.". I hoped it would bring a smile to his face and let him forget about his stress at least for a few minutes and iut sure worked. Maybe I will do that more often. :)

hey there Bella!!

Sorry Took me so long to respond.. I'm catching up today!! I'm usually so tired I can't see straight these days!! hehe

you do have a lot going on and Stress when it's that high will feel that it consumes your entire life... I know how that feels....
However, You don't have to argue to get your feelings accross to him.. It may make you feel much better by talking to him and just telling him how you feel..... It will open up the tension between you.. he may not even know what he's doing.... He is probably going thru things himself and is blinded by that... sometimes they need that help to open up also.....

I hope it all gets better for you... and hope you both can get thru this hump...

Keep us posted!!

Hey Belle

I've been spot reading...my eyes are killing me....damn computer screens...lol. Sorry if this has already been suggested...I just read your posts.

When you talk to him don't ask how his day went, don't ask what he's doing today, tomorrow or on the weekend. Call him and the first words out of your mouth should be I MISS YOU! Let him know all the things you want to do with him when you get to see each other in 4 weeks. "I can't wait to see you", "I can't wait to kiss you.", "When I see you, I want to hold you close and tight and never let go." These are all things that will simply put all the stress at ease - at least for a few moments.

If you do happen to start talking about the stresses life has bestowed upon both you and your honey, then say something like "I wish you were here so we can get through all these messes together." or "It would be easier to get through if we were together right now." This give sympathy for the stress and also lets him know how much you truly do care about him.

I wish you all the best girl, keep us posted :)

EM

It's not what happens to you in life it's how you deal with it. I don't mean to be rude, but what I hear you saying is that you are obsessing over some thing that your bf either did or did not say to you, in response to the MRI, which he forgot. I'd forget about that one completely. It's too small to mean anything in the future. I worry more about why you are letting something so small get to you. Just wait until your life calms down to do anything about these angry feelings you are having about him right now.

Normally small things like that would not botehr me. However, since I was so stressed with many things I allowed every little thing to bother me.

Since we talked about it we haven't had any problems. :)

He had surgery on Wednesday and just came home today. So all is well again.