If in my shoes what would you do?

I have been with someone off and on now for almost a year...he is 6 years younger than me........recently it ended again......but yet he still claims he loves me but can't be with me till he gets some things straightened out in his life.......How long and would you wait? When we have talked before he says don't wait on him......but then if I start to show interest in someone else or even start to date someone else.......he gets hurt.......and says that he loves me and wants to be with me......but then with time leaves again.....I do love him.......and I don't really want to be with anyone else.....but one person can only take so much rejection.....I just don't know what to do anymore.

Continuously Confused,

Raveness

Hi Raveness,

That sounds like a pretty confusing cycle for you.... :(, and probably not a healthy one.

Having said that, Im not certain what it is in this y/m life that he needs to get worked out. It's certainly possible he does truly love you, and circumstances prevent him from being able to have a relationship now. Even if this is true, Im not sure that waiting on someone is a good option, unless someone specifically asks you to wait for a specific amount of time while they get things straightened out.....Does that make sense?

In this case, even if you do wait there is no guaranteed outcome. So, you could be waiting for something that might never happen. And it does sound as if the bouncing back and forth is causing you pain....

My honest advice in this situation would be to move on. I would tell the y/m that although you love him, you can't keep doing this to yourself. I believe if you are firm about it, he will either make some sort of comittment to you...some sort of concrete plan for a relationship, or he won't, and you will have your answer.

Either way, Im sorry your hurting. Im sure someone will come along soon that will give either different or better advice to me...but this is just my opinion.

AND...welcome to Ageless. ((hugs))

Jo said
Im not sure that waiting on someone is a good option, unless someone specifically asks you to wait for a specific amount of time while they get things straightened out.....Does that make sense?

I totally agree----
This is what hits me too Raveness. If the YM isnt ASKING you to wait---then dont. I say the confusion and mixed feelings youre dealing with arent worth it.
The kind of thing Nessa mentions (changing IM names and changing that whole "im taken" vibe) will probably be really theraputic for you and send a message to the YM that if he has his cake there's no way he can eat it too, ya know?
Go get your hair and nails done, do something just for you----and then
Power up and move on!
Sometimes these things are like bandaids. Better if you just use one motion to rip them right off! :-)

good luck to you

I agree completely with everything everyone else has said. I was in a yo-yo relationship with my ex-husband for 7 years. The whole thing wore me down emotionally. Take care of your needs first. Go on with your life. And trust me, other doors will open for you once you open your heart to that possibility. It happened to me. Once I finally "let go" of my ex-husband, and opened my heart to other men, I met the most wonderful man and we're now planning on marrying.

(((hugs)))


btw, welcome to Agelesslove.




edit: I wanted to add that the feelings I felt for my ex-husband never really went away. But, what I did learn to accept is that I can't trust him and that our relationship was not a healthy one. I learned that I deserve to have a healthy relationship.

So, it is possible to still care for someone and yet move onward with another amazing person that you also love.

I've had the "I like you but can't date you right now" scenario in my life and spent a confusing bit of time trying to negotiate my way through that and into a relationship with that young man. He didn't know what he wanted and I think that may be what you have here. I was SOOL with the whole relationship. I believe men who do this have an agenda, and it has nothing to do with you, or me, and caring about us. Only about their own needs and an inability to acknowledge ours. So. That being said...I'd tell this bird to fly away.
Let us all know if he does something coo coo when you tell him to let you go.
Ali

Hi Raveness:

Here is what popped into my head as I read your post.

Right now you are confused and a little hurt. Where is the rule that says you have to make up your mind right now on what to do.

It makes no sense for you to be looking at dating others as you would be bringing the baggage of this relationship with you. As you say, you still love this fellow. So, it would not be fair to start seeing someone else while you still have feelings for your ym. Not fair to you or to "the someone else" even if it was just casual.

Why not give your ym his space.

Don't wait for him; but, rather take this time to sort out your own feelings. Decide what it is that you really want from a relationship. You certainly deserve better that what you are getting right now.

When you decide what you want - refuse - to - settle - for anything less, from anyone!

Ultimately, what we all want is simply to be happy. No one is happy when they are not being true to themselves. Being true to yourself means figuring out what you want, and how you want to be treated; then not accepting anything less.

Remember what is going on with you and your ym is just as much your responsibility ast it is his. Give yourself time to figure out what has made you go back/wait/ take him back in the past.
Ask yourself if you are making fear based choices.

Relationships are great; however, when they are what is filling the greatest percentage of our lives (not saying this is what is happening with you) then we can become obsessive about them.

Rather than look to date, fill your time with the other important things in life, family, friends, career, hobby, time for yourself etc. When we do that it helps to give us some perspective, the relationship gets put into a more healthy space and our lives and emotions are less likely to get yanked aroud by the behavior of the person we are in a relationship with. In short we are better able to make good and healthy choices for ourselves.

Good luck
Rabbit

moving on doesn't have to mean you gotta fall for someone else posthaste, Raveness.

i say, move on.

you can still care for him. but care more about yourself.

best of luck to ya.
btw, is this the same guy you posted about before? just trying to get my ducks in a row. :D

Trace

YAY, nessa... you are so right! Being alone doesn't have to mean you're lonely. I'm never alone when I'm alone, because of all these voices in my head... LOL!

I agree with what the others said. And you really don't have to make a decision now. And you also don't need to rush things with your boyfriend either. I KNOW it feels like rejection.

As for how long *I* would wait? If I were going through this right now with my YM, and there's no guarantee I won't experience something similar in years to come, I would wait... and wait... and wait... I guess, its cuz I've reached a point in my life where I know I don't want to be with anyone else. I love him and I have nothing to offer anyone else so long as I have love for him. It would be brutally unfair to date someone else when all I can think or dream about his him.

But, therein lies the question. Can YOU move on with your life and leave your love for him behind? If the answer is no, then give him the space he needs and live your life filling it with emphasis on enjoying yourself and who you are, take classes, volunteer, spend time out with your friends, whatever does it for you to enjoy this life you have. When you can either find closure with your love for YM or you can further your relationship with him, then you can progress.

And yes... waiting stinks.

... and is it worth it?

Only you can decide those things! Well, only you and him together. A good talk is well in order, I think. If he says on the one hand to move on with your life, then he MUST not stop you from doing so... he needs to accept and respect HIS decision. Tell him so. If he wants you, then he needs to make a decision and stick to it. You shouldn't feel like a ping-pong...

... wishywashyness always drives me insane...

Be strong, no matter what. I'm very sorry you're going through this... and I hope everything works out positively in the end, no matter what the end is (the end of waiting and a new beginning, or an end of waiting and a new beginning!!!)

~phosphorescent

I totally agree with what everyone has said so far, especially Jo, Nessa and rabbit. I went through the exact same scenario you are in right now with your ym. (so have a few others here as well). It happened to me twice in 3 1/2 years together. The first time he said he loved me, but needed to sort some things out on his own before he felt he could be the person I deserved in a relationship. We parted. He didnt' date, I did. Three months later, he came back on Valentine's Eve basically begging to be back in my life. He had discovered that I was the love of his life during the time away, and that he wanted to marry me, etc. Unknown to him at the time he returned, I had a plane ticket to go meet this amazing ym in the next state over whom I'd talked with for two months(during our break up). Because of my ym's sincere return, and apparent renewed commitment and desire to be with me for the long haul, I took him back (I DID still love him, after all), and canceled my weekend rendevous with the other great guy.
That lasted 8 months....then, seemingly out of the blue, my ym came to me again last fall and virtually repeated what he had said to me the year before..." I love you and want you, but I need to figure some things out". Bottom line? When a ym says this he has some MAJOR self reflection issues, and doesn't know what the heck he wants...except his freedom. It hurt like hell, but I let him go, and then cried for the next 10 months, wrote a book, dated men of all ages (but discovered I am SOLIDLY attracted to only younger men now). My ym? Four weeks after the breakup he hooked up with a 19 year old...he may be still with her. His "issue" was that he didn't really see us together in the long run because he had this Cinderella fantasy lurking in his psyche all those years...deep down I think he always wondered if there was someone "better" out there for him (translation: more politically correct and acceptable to his family and society at large).
My point is only that when a guy says he needs to walk away (for whatever reason), LET HIM WALK. Better yet, turn and walk in the other direction yourself. Spend the next months in emotional recoverey however you need to...mostly nurturing yourself. Yes, date...date some more, just as a diversion if nothing else, but also to remind yourself that you ARE ENOUGH and that your ARE ATTRACTIVE to other men ...in other words, remind yourself that you can live without him. After you fake it for a while, it gets easier and finally one day you'll feel strong, resilient and hopeful again. When you are healthy emotionally, the right man will come into your life.
My therapist gave me a great exercise to do while I was still in the "crying for him 5-times-a-day" stage. She told me to make an "Ideal Man" list. To list everything I could remotely think of that I would want/need in a man as though I could create a perfect one for me. Her philosophy is that we drift into relationships based on circumstances without a clear picture of what we need or want. Not that there IS a perfect man (or woman) out there...but as you formulate your list you realize how many things your ex ym was missing, and you will resolve not to settle in the future because of the hurt and confusion you felt with him. It is a framework that helps you subconsciously focus on what you are looking for in someone else, not an unwavering checklist. It works!
I am dating a great ym now, totally different from my last one. I checked my list the other night, and you know what? He scores pretty high...especially on the characteristics that REALLY matter. I already see so many attributes in him that I compromised with myself on that were missing in ym#1.
Walk away, get healthy by concentrating on your beautiful, amazing self for however long that takes, allow time to "heal", date. ..and my suggestion?: don't agree to a "friendship" with your ex...that will only allow him his cake so he can eat it too and make you a very confused woman. Friendship, if it will evolve to that, will take a healthy amount of time, and not until you are both at a point of objectivity (many months/years maybe). If your relationship is meant to be, he will come back ready to make a commitment BIG TIME, and will put his "money where his mouth is". Don't take anything less. You deserve to be loved by someone who knows you are amazing and wants only you...not some rubberband man who pulls away, then comes flying back when he's jealous or wants sex or it's convenient to him. And, remember, a grasping, needy woman (like I was at first after the breakup) is NOT an attractive one anyway.
I am soooo sorry you have to go through this, I COMPLETELY know what you feel like right now, and wish I could give you a big hug in person and share the wisdom I've gained. Listen to all the ladies above my post, and take time for yourself...digest it all, and make the best decision for your emotional health. It seems impossible to think now, but maybe your ym was simply a bridge to get you to a better place with yourself and into the life of a truly loving, commited ym out there looking for you right now??
I wish you so much peace and joy, honey....pm me if you want to "chat".
Karen

I would never let someone yo-yo me around, but if you have feelings for this YM then you do need to sort them out. I would tell him to get his sh!t straight and not contact me until he had sorted things out and knew what he wanted. Either he wants you or he doesn't. If he does, and you still want him, then great. If he doesn't, then move on.

But I agree that you should take some time to sort yourself out too and determine what you do really want and where you want to go. Self reflection is usually always a good thing and something that a lot of people don't do enough of. I can tell you from experience, it really clears your head tho.

Good Luck.

First off I would like to thank each and every one of you for your replies.....

Ok to start out with a lot of what all of you have said I have already done and been through with him.......I have done the if you want to be with me then be with me, and the if you don't or can't then don't and leave me alone......but he wouldn't or it would be very short lived. The more I pulled away the more he then would want to talk to me or see me.....Also as I have stated he has said before don't wait....but doesn't want me to get involved with anyone else....he even went as far as to ask me "Why did I need to be with someone?" In my opinion stating he wants me to wait.......but just doesn't want to say it....

I have also stated I when I started to see someone else I began to have interest in he then was screaming he loved me for the first time in our relationship and that I believed he really meant it....(he had lied and said it to me a couple of times before that but at that time just did it to keep me around)..... and that he wanted to be back with me........then he left that weekend........well a week to a week and a half later.....I was talking to the other guy again and then he told me he was moving in.....he only moved in because I feel he was afraid I would just move on, and I really felt that way because that was short lived as well.

We hadn't talked since then till a few nights ago.....I was very upset and sent him an email about things he had said a few months ago that I found out about.......things like he never felt love for me and that he didn't see a future with me...That hurt me very badly......well then he replied back stating it was before he really realized he did love me........and that he still loves me. But he 'still' can't be with me.

I have had the same thoughts Nessa....."that he has the 'i don't really want you but i don''t want anyone else to want you' syndrome

that's the one where he treats you like your not important as long as you're at his beck and call but the minute you try to live your own life and get away he reels you back in with promises that he may intend to keep but won't.

tell the young man that if you are destined to be together it will happen but that you have to live your life for you not for him and that he can go straighten out whatever he needs to and when he's done if you're still there and still interested great otherwise... 'see ya!""

He does have a way of making me feel like that..and I also did the profile status change to single....didn't matter he didn't care about profile status's.....In the past I have tried to put my foot down and say good bye....or for him make a choice and stick with it.....but as someone stated I do always take him back.......it is hard to let my feelings just go since I am not the one with the issue of how I feel about him. The more time that passes it does get easier, and the more he hurts my feelings the more anger I feel. But then when I give in and see him again my pain starts to healing.....even if I know I will most likely be crushed again....I have to give him one thing he is very persistant.......especially when he wants something......but then he is spoiled and gets his way a lot.

legallyblonde "I believe men who do this have an agenda, and it has nothing to do with you, or me, and caring about us. Only about their own needs and an inability to acknowledge ours."

I agree........he is a very self centered person...He has said that he knew keeping in contact with me hurt me, but that he wanted to talk to me so basically that was all that mattered....I tell him that a lot....lol "that it's all about him" or "that it isn't all about him" whatever the case may be......lol.

rabbit your right I don't have to be with someone right now.......but I have been reading alot of the posts here and someone else even stated "It isn't that she needed a man, it was the fact she wanted one" there is a difference........I manage to take care of myself and 3 kids on my own......it is very hard and sometimes it takes some help from others but we manage....it isn't that I need a man to take care of me.......it is because I want someone to share my life with.......a life partner so to speak, and I have given him chance after chance and ever time he leaves me disappointed, hurt, let down, and a feeling of abandonment. I am not wanting to accept anything less than what I want......which is why I came here asking for advise.....I love him.....but I have been waiting.....and had the life I wanted waved under my nose and then had it taken away.......like teasing a kid with candy and then saying they can't have it.

greeneyedgirl yes it is the same person I talked about before.


fos4snt "Can YOU move on with your life and leave your love for him behind?

I have tried to do that several times.....like I said the more I truely pull away......then the more he seems to want to be closer. Evertime I think it is finally over...and pick up the pieces of my heart is when the cycle seems to start over again.

Raveness

P.S. Some of the things you all have said I have stated to him before.....I don't know if he just didn't think that way or want to think that way......because he just didn't understand......but it is nice to know there are other people that really know what I am talking about, and the emotional pain I have been going through, and once again thank you all.

Special K Yes, date...date some more, just as a diversion if nothing else, but also to remind yourself that you ARE ENOUGH and that your ARE ATTRACTIVE to other men ...in other words, remind yourself that you can live without him.

That statement has a lot of meaning for me, because this has affected my personal self esteem, and self worth. I know what my self worth is.....but he had a way of making me dout it off and on. Which would hurt, and bring up anger....that "I wasn't good enough" for him.........just someone to kill time with. Thank you so much what you said really hits home.


Peachy I would tell him to get his sh!t straight and not contact me until he had sorted things out and knew what he wanted. Either he wants you or he doesn't. If he does, and you still want him, then great. If he doesn't, then move on.

Was there did it many times. Hense the yo-yo confusion.

I guess I just can't seem to understand how you can "truely" love someone but "not" be able to be with them....in my eyes when I love someone nothing is to great to get in the way. "COME HELL OR HIGH WATER!!!" but then that's just me. I am stubborn like that. :D

Something I wanted to share....

Answers

Why can't life be simpler?
Where are the answers?
When does it become clearer?

I live my life trying to please others, but when will it be my turn?
These questions enter my mind quite often, but never an answer.

It's not as easy as....

Why is the sky blue?
Or, where do baby's come from?
The answers to those are quite simple.

I go through my life one day at a time.
Trying to fulfill a hole.


When did it start?
And, when will it end?

If you've got the answers....
Let me know before my life is spent.


I just thought I'd share.

I guess I just can't seem to understand how you can "truely" love someone but "not" be able to be with them..

I think you just answered your own question here, Raveness. I don't know what his "game" is, but if I were you I would read the actions he is giving you rather than the words. Not knowing any of the other circumstances, like WHAT is keeping him from you ( is he married? ), I would agree that if one truely loves someone there is very little short of death that should be allowed to keep them apart. If I were you, I would tell him to come back someday if he ever makes up his mind, and MAYBE you will still be around, but for now, go your own way, heal yourself and learn to enjoy your own life. That kind of behavior is not what you want from a lover, you want to KNOW you are loved and wanted ALL the TIME! DON"T SETTLE..you deserve better. I learned the hard way, it is better to be alone than be treated like that!!!!!!!

First off no he isn't married. I am finally to the point that I really know I should just go on my own way for good......but how do you when the other person tells you they do love you, and you do love them? We do still talk off and on.....every few days or so.......which doesn't help. Would be easier if there was a clean break.....no more contact. But that is something that I have control over and can take care myself. It is sad that I have to be the one to cut all ties......when I am the one that does love and want to be with him now and forever....which just creates more pain for me.

I know his behavior is bad when he is pulling away......but there were also moments that we were very happy together....a connection that was surreal. But it has hit the point that there is more hurt and anger now than happiness. I am the type of person that always looks to the future...except with him......it was always lagging and unsure....relationships shouldn't be that way, and I know it. I just need to move on and get back to looking forward. I know in time the pain will be a dull roar, but right now it still screaming.

Raveness

Im just going to repeat here what I said in a PM.....

Loving someone really shouldn't be this difficult. The good should outweigh the bad, the happy should outweigh the sad....and if loving someone is making your life more painful and more difficult for long periods of time, then there is definitely something wrong. I feel this is true in all relationships, not just romantic relationships. With your friends, your relatives and so on. And rereading this, sometimes I really need to take my own advice.

Remember that there are certain times in life that you have to put YOUR needs first, especially if your partner isn't. You just have to for self-preservation. And if the person you are in love with cannot meet those needs, it would be time to move on.

I know its painful.....and confusing. Im sorry that you are hurting like this. It is my opinion though, that you can hurt badly for a while over a breakup, or you could hurt for a long time continuing to wait for this person and having this cycle continue.

Im sorry if this is too blunt...Its just my opinion, one of many!

Its one thing when someone isn't ready to commit any further than the current stage of the relationship, but stays true to you and loves you the best that they can. That is a situation that will work itself out in time.

The yo-yo stuff is nonsense, pure and simple. It doesn't matter what his reasons are, if he were a real man, he would put your feelings first, and either stay with you or tell you he loves you too much to hold you back, wish you the best and pray that you are available after he has worked out his personal issues. He owes you that much. What he's doing now is disrespectful as hell, pardon my bluntness.

I'd say its time to move on knowing that you are worthwhile and deserving of someone who will love and commit to you. Don't get down on yourself. It sounds like he's a bit manipulative, and if you're down on yourself, he will have an easier time pulling your strings. You know, as do the rest of us who've read your posts, that you are undeserving of such poor treatment and that you deserve far better.

Keep on rockin',

DanE

Originally posted by Peachy
I would never let someone yo-yo me around

I was a yo-yo before. Raveness, be careful. The string could break and you may get your feelings hurt. It's a difficult situation, I understand, but I don't know what how to answer. I hope things workout sunshine.

Well I just wanted to say thank you all for your advise and support. Just to let you all know it did find an end finally. We even stopped having contact of any form. I believe it is the best for both of us, and hopefully we both find happiness in our lives someday.

Raveness

Yes change is hard....and the pain is still there. I just try and keep myself focused and busy with other things. As I am sure you well know that when you really love someone and it ends does not mean that your love for them ends. Your heart still cries and calls to them. It is just a matter of your mind rationalizing over your feelings that it is over, that you MUST move on, and that someday the pain you felt over the person will have faded into just the happy memories that you had with that person.

This was something that should have ended 2 weeks after it had started. It lasted almost 10 months. The one thing positive that I can say about the whole experience was that I learned that I could truely love someone again. I had my heart ripped to pieces a long time ago. It had taken a long time for me to have strong feelings for someone like that again, and had the impression that I never would again. I was able to maintain a relationship with someone but never completely give my heart to the person I was with till these past 10 months.

Which in turn still gives me hope that love can still be in my furture. It is sad that some of us must suffer heartache before we find true happiness with someone, but then again maybe that is so we will learn to truely appreciate that person......

Raveness

I do understand what you are feeling. And the words "don't be sad it happened; be happy you found you could love, and that you did know the happiness of being loved." That he was too immature to be able to stick with a decision. Or that he was afraid someone else would get you while he was off finding himself. I will share that my ex husband was like that. That is he most of the time didn't want me. But just let another man show an interest in me and back he came to see what they could see in me.
Now my ex husband was a womanizer. But I was only important if it looked as if some other man wanted me.

So go on with your life. you need a companion for a night out for dinner or to seee a movie. Sometimes, women friends fill the bill. Especially as you really don't want to get into a new relationship until you have healed. Or simply see men whom you feel are friends and who understand that too.

Thank you for sharing your story. One of the things that has helped me. Is everyone here sharing their advise and experiences. Good and bad. I was in a place where I just really didn't have anyone to talk to about how things were going and how I was feeling, and the questions going round and round in my head.

Everyone here has helped by offering different views, and options. Also by giving support, comfort, and sharing their pain and happiness. It helps me get thru the really hard moments, I come in here and read posts/threads and it helps me get thru them. It also helps me keep my spirits up that I will love again someday and be loved in return. This has also lifted my self-esteem because as with most ended relationships self-esteem does get damaged in some shape or form. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!! Just kidding :D....

I have noticed a change in myself lately....I am finding the happier side of life more and more each day. Glimpses of the woman I once was...and I have found out I have missed her, I was a much happier person...and hope to be once again....ok ok the I am woman thing is coming on again...I better get out of here.....lol.

Raveness

Hi,

I must admit that I did not read all the posts within your thread but I just want to say that I understand how you feel. I can't really offer you any new insights as I've been going through something a bit similar.

The guy I am crazy about is 23 and I just turned 43. If you read my thread you'll understand the situation more. But anyway, like your guy, he said he really cares for me (this is also a ldr which doesn't help matters - in fact it's probably one of the main reasons he's confused along with his family situation) but isn't ready for a committed relationship and has to figure some things out, etc.

I must say I liked Nessa's advice and I should probably take her advice one of these days. This is what she said that makes sense "tell the young man that if you are destined to be together it will happen but that you have to live your life for you not for him and that he can go straighten out whatever he needs to and when he's done if you're still there and still interested great otherwise... 'see ya!".

In my case, I think I want to wait for him for awhile longer. Gonna play it by ear at this point. But it is hard wondering what he's thinking and what he's going through in his head, etc. He actually said this to me recently which has left me a bit confused - he said "do what I have to do for myself and he will do what he has to do for himself and hopefully it'll be the right thing for us too."

Anyway, as hard as it is, time does heal things.

Good night,

Tami

First of all (((hugs))). I know this time for you is just as painful and confusing as it has been for me. I hope that in time you and your ym will work things thru and have a happy ending. As far as you waiting.....you take all the time you need to. Just because you opted to wait isn't a bad thing. It could vary well work out for you, and as I tell one of my best friends all the time "I am not going to tell you to leave him (her SO), that is something for you to decide, and when and if you decide to do that you will find the strength to get thru it and do it."

Unfortunately my relationship most likely wouldn't have lasted as long as it did if I had been stronger, and listened more to my head than my heart. But he was great in my eyes, everything I could have wanted, he was the closest I had ever come to as far as the type of person I want to have in my life, hence the hanging on going back and forth for 10 months. But it finally hit the point that I knew it wasn't going to ever go any where, and that pain an anger where going to just consume me. That was when I had to find the strength to walk away and not look back, and yes, believe me that is way easier to say than it is to do. I am still fighting my feelings, but it gets a little bit easier as time goes on.

I hope your story truely has a happy ending for you and your ym. If your not ready to give up then don't, only time will tell what will happen in your relationship, and the decisions you make in regards to it.

Raveness

Hello and thank you. The more I am told that the more I believe it, and even though it makes me realize more and more he never really loved me at all. I know I did love him. Someday I will love again, and be loved in return.

Raveness

It is sad that some of us must suffer heartache before we find true happiness with someone, but then again maybe that is so we will learn to truely appreciate that person......


Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Think about it.... ;)

Yes, if you know how to make yourself numb. I have yet to learn how to master that trick. I feel a lose in my heart. That for me is not ignorable. So I guess not suffering isn't an option for me. But I have known people that can ignore their lose, and just go on like nothing ever happened. I just am not one of them.

Raveness