He has called EVERY day for 3 months

I'm 13 yrs older (45, he's 32) he has been calling me every day for past 3 months (I have never asked him to call, he just does this on his own)...we live 2 hours apart and can only see ea other on weekends (and have been--only time when he was sent away for 3 wks for job and he called every day then as well, sometimes more than once)....he and I are diff whereas he relaxes through the week and does all his housework, shopping, errands on weekends, etc (he's been this way for few yrs now) where I do my stuff through the week so my weekends can be free...he made arrangments 2 days ago to come in to my place for this weekend then all of a sudden last night he calls and says he needs to stay home for the weekend and get some things caught up that he has neglected over the weekends because all his weekends have been spent with me (and is true)...everything has been going great up to this point. I told him I can understand this, that I wasn't mad, just disappointed because I couldn't see him over the weekend. He did go on to say if he could get his stuff done by Sat afternoon that perhaps I could come up to his place Sat even and stay until Sunday and he would pay for my gas. You think that a gal would be satisfied with this but I felt as if this was something he really did want to do, just do it so I wouldn't be mad at him for not seeing me this weekend. I asked him at that time if I was being that much of a problem for him. That by seeing ea other in a long distance situation would pose problems for us later down the line. He told me that he didn't know...that it was hard for him to adjust to changes and that he "liked being single." This seemed to bother me even more for I felt that he was wanting to say something but couldn't. I then went on to ask if his seeing me was something he wanted to continue or we should reconsider this and perhaps break things off before they come to serious....he said "no" he liked seeing me, but then turned around and said "maybe". Well that didn't help....I asked further if something had happened that day at work...he said he was up until 3 AM night before (he goes home sometimes and might sleep until 9 or 10 pm then is up all night....he apparently has always been that way...well since he's been single....past 3 years)....he said he had a bad/hard day at work and was tired....the discussion continued to where I felt I had to ask if there was someone else perhaps he wanted to see, he said "no" that was NOT the problem....I asked if I had done or said something since the night before, again he said "no." I then went on to ask if it was me....he said "no".....I asked if it was our age difference (we only had this discussion once before and he said it bothered him a little...but not too much for me to be concerned)...apparently this hit something because it was his first real answer....he said "it does bother him somewhat" "I asked how? Does he ever see in the future that if things worked out with us that he would want children? he said "no" "no children"...Please consider I LOOK VERY young and act at least 10 years younger and do things at least that 10 years younger in activity....I asked if he was embarrassed to be with me, again "no". He finally said that he was concerned that when I'm 60 he would be in his 40's....I came back and said "trust me, the way I look and feel now....I can GUARANTEE that when I get that age that I WILL still look good and be more physical and energetic than he or any other man would....these things I know trust me.....to finally end this saga, our last conversation was I finally asked him if he wanted to end it with me...he said "yes and no"....well it is the "Maybe" part that bothers me the most....if it was a sure "NO" there wouldn't be a "maybe". By this time it was getting late and we ended the conversation with him telling me he was tired and had to go to bed and would call me tomorrow (today)...So there you have it....what to do? I CAN give him space if he needs it and perhaps we should....but I NEED for him to be honest with me...not to continue this on just for MY SAKE so I'm not mad at him.....to only continue this if HE wants to continue (I know I do)....but I don't want to continue with someone who I am more of a bother with then wanting to be with....again, HE is the one who calls and has called everyday...he asks me not to see any one else...HE asks to see me on the weekends....I'm confused.....a guy friend gave me advice of "guys tend to feel that when they are pressured they will retaliate with a negative response" that in this case when all he wanted to do was to say he wanted to stay home this weekend and not see me that I should have taken it at that and not asked him any questions....but being a female that is almost impossible (if any of you gals out there can relate to this!!!)...that I should tell him that I can understand how our distance puts a burden on us changing our schedules around and that it is true he might need some space right now, which I can understand, but just be honest IF it is MORE than that! Don't anyone reply with a "he has found someone else" ....it is NOT that way I KNOW (you don't know him like this, I do). So if anyone can tell me if I should pursue anything or just sit back and let him call...let him make a move to return or not.....but in the meantime, do I continue with not going out, not seeing anyone else (all things he has asked me and has expected me to do while I am with seeing him).

Hi onceagain and welcome to agelesslove. I want to apologize for your post not going through. I don't know what happened, but the system did not post it until today. So, I am very sorry about that.

He does sound like he's struggling with the age gap. But, I can't help if it's also about the fact that he does enjoy being single. Maybe he's just not ready for commitment?

I recommend that you talk to him about how your feel about his confusion. I think that it's time that you two have a talk and get the cards on the table. You both need to discuss with each other whether you want to remain exclusive or whether you want to date others. If he remains wishy-washy, then you'll have to make that decision on your own. And I say, if that happens, date others. Get out in the world and find someone who deserves, and is ready for, your love and commitment.

(((hugs)))

I read your post and I really just want to sit here and rub my face to wipe away some of the mental confusion that even reading this has made me feel... :o I assume, that's probably what you're feeling.

You know, sometimes when a guy says "I've had a bad/tiring day" he really means just that. Not thinking any deeper, not contemplating all the emotional thoughts we women go through. And when we (women) try to figure out what's 'really' going on, and end up talking them into a corner over something that they aren't ready to talk about, we end up eliciting unsure, one word answers like "maybe" or "yes and no."

Anyway, what I think you ought to do in this situation is realize that you're in an LDR ~ and realize that sometimes its okay to have a weekend to yourself and he to himself ~ it's not that big a deal and shouldn't be a relationship breaker. He's got stuff to do. So, I agree with your friend, you should have just left it at that... but you didn't, and well, now there seems to be a bit of damage done.

Relationships are supposed to be fun. At least, when you weigh everything out, there should be more fun than agony.

Part of that begins and ends with you. If you talk someone into a corner eliciting one word responses to assauge yours fears ~ over him wanting to do some work on the weekend around his house? ACK. If my guy did that to me on the phone, I'd probably respond similarly, and I'M A GIRL.

You still care for him, he still cares for you, sometimes he needs some space. He has worries. All perfectly fine. Unless you're expecting more, quicker than he can give it. In which case, its time for you to consider something else... like finding someone who can move at your pace.

What you really need is to figure out for yourself what you need in a relationship, ask him to do the same, get together and figure out if you're on the same page. If not, then move on. If so, then great.

I know, I know, probably isn't that simple ~ that black and white. Nothing ever is. But, after you've both figured out what you want, you CAN still see each other and keep it light and simple and fun. But, that's just one of the many grey potentials.

But, I know if I kept pushing for answers from my YM when he came home and said he had a bad day and didn't want to talk, we wouldn't be seeing eachother. He needs time to let his brain process. Some people are just like that.

~phosphorescent

Hi Onceagain,

I read your post and was exhausted by the question/answer thing. You poor thing! You were really out there and scared.

I can tell you that when I met my boyfriend we were both scared of the age gap thing. We just did a casual sex type thing and Greg did call me almost every day at first, then as he got closer to me he pulled back; farther and farther.

Once I freaked out and asked him a million questions and wanted to know what was going on (duh, it was a sexual relationship, dummy), but I was falling in love so I was nutzo. I can almost visualize him hiding in the closet by the time we were at the end of our phone conversation - I had verbally accosted him. (did I spell accost wrong?)

Anyway, Onceagain, I blew it once. I regrouped. He didn't call for a week after that. I let things go and I shared all my insecurities with my friends - a couple of them from this board. But with Greg I was a cool as a cucumber.

I let Greg fall in love with me on his time; not my clock. He was able to do it without me pushing him into it.

Now we are not long distance at all. We are local; although I don't think 2 hours is terribly long distance at all.

I'd cool my jets a bit; relax, slow down and let things unfold. I'm not so crazy about a heart to heart talk just yet unless he initiates it. His words were pretty clear that he was backing up; so I'd just give him some space. Next time he calls I'd let him know you didn't mean to third degree him.

But you have to be the judge if he is the man you want to keep dating given his responses. If you think he truly cares about you and freaked, then slow down. If you think he is out the door, then turn and walk away. I don't see how a talk would do much more than what you've already observed.

Slow.....

Cindy

Well, I agree with the others.

In fact I would apologize next time I talked with him about asking all those deep questions when he was tired and vulnerable. Then I would be cheerful and change the subject.

He may need some space after feeling somewhat "pushed" the last you talked. I would laugh off my tirade by claiming "that time of the month".

Probably some here will not agree with me but 3 months is too soon to be grilling someone just because they want a weekend at home. It comes across as needy and desperate (which I have done also).

Good luck... I really think it will work out if you just backup a little.

Wow! So much great advice! Just when I had a thought, one of you guys laid it out. I definitely would give the man some space. From my experiences (which is more than I care to admit), men (and perhaps women, too, I don't know), once given the time to catch that rest they complained about when we were off on "do you really love me" rant, realize how much they love and want you. Don't chase him away. Pick your moments and keep them to single subjects. Don't bombard your moment with age issues, long distance issues and whatever else all in one sitting. Perhaps HE'll even approach one of the subjects on the table. Take it slow. Good things come to those who wait.

It's only three months. Just three months. How can he know whether he wants to have children with you, whether the age gap is a fatal flaw and all of these other very serious questions, so very soon?

Yes, all of these things need to be on the table in a year or two if you are still seeing each other. But they don't need to be on the table RIGHT NOW.

Right now, you just need to work out a schedule for seeing each other that doesn't drive both of you nuts. And I can see how every weekend could drive a person nuts if they were working full-time.

What about an every other weekend agreement? That way he has enough time to deal with his stuff and can clear out the time to really be with you without stress and you won't have to renegotiate everything each weekend anew.

And make up the rest of the time on the phone or on the computer to stay in touch.

Because it sounds to me like the larger issues really aren't germane to a relationship of three months and really don't have that much to do with the time issues.

Try to calm down and address the time issue specifically and then see if things improve.

It's hard to have a conversation about everything all at once.