I'm falling for an older man... please help me!

I am 19 years old, in college, and recently I admitted to a guy that I've had a crush on that I like him. He's single, divorced since 2001, and doesn't have any kids. We have had probably five hours of conversation since I first met him (about a year ago). In the last two weeks, most of that conversation has taken place. Anyway, every time I see him, he makes my day brighter and I get vibes that my feelings are mutual. We have tons in common.

The only problem is that this guy is 51 years old.

I'm not looking for a father figure, a "sugar daddy", or anything else like that. I just really feel a connection with this man. When I met him and felt attracted to him, I didn't know his marital status, his age, or anything else. I was attracted to HIM... his looks, his intellect, maturity, etc.

Whenever I subtly ask him out he never says anything in terms of not being interested in me. Actually, he's perfected the art of being completely neutral in this. I can't tell if he likes me or not! I gave him my e-mail address at the beginning of this week, and didn't get a reply from him. However, when I saw him again yesterday, he said he tried to e-mail me but wasn't able to because my address wasn't any good. Since he is brand-new with computers and the internet, I believe him. Anyway, so I gave him my other e-mail address and he gave me his.

I then e-mailed him that night, telling him again that I would like to get to know him better, away from the professional level (I met him when he was working). I still haven't received a reply from him and am now wondering if e-mail is the best way to communicate.

This man is very sensitive and sweet... he's got a great sense of humor, and when I talk to him, I forget that he's as old as he is (he acts at least 20 years younger). He also seems to be kinda quiet and shy. I am so eager to get to know him better. I just dont know how to tactfully approach this so he doesn't feel like I'm falling all over myself to date him. I want to take it slow so I can build a good solid friendship, and then a relationship on top of that. My family was freaked out at first, but they've quickly "accepted" my liking of this man.

One thing I found extremely weird was that I didn't know his name, never heard it before, but when a friend asked me what I thought his name was, I said that he "looks" like his name is... (and was right!) I've very perceptive when it comes to other people. Whenever I'm around him now that I've admitted my crush, he seems to be thinking and considering the possibilities of a relationship with me. I hope he hasn't gotten the wrong impression that all I'm looking for is a bootie call. I am so much more complex then that. I am just so confused about his behavior and feelings in this.

I'm sorry if this thread makes no sense. I am just spilling out a jumble of feelings and am hoping to get some advice on where to go on this. Any help would be appreciated.

I wouldnt use the e-mail to contact him i would us the phone

Hi and Welcome to Ageless!!

I don't have much advice for you.. I've never been in this situation... it seems to me you've tried already to show this man your feelings and he's not responding.....

try confronting him in person or on the phone and be direct with him.. but be prepared for any response....

I wish you luck and sorry I can't be much help...

I think he's still getting used to the idea that somebody so young likes him. He just had a girl leave him so he's kinda lost and confused at the moment. However, he's being really sweet to me through all of this. The other night I spent a blissful hour (or so) with him, watching the food channel. It was the first time I'd ever seen him off work, in his natural habitat. We were both so nervous! Man, I really love the fact that he knows how (and likes to) cook! He's truely a rare find, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us!

I think the only thing that's going to be a trial for me in this, is the fact that he's been burned so many times and I have to move slowly and calculate every movement so I don't scare him away. I am working right now to gain his confidence and trust, so he can tell me all his deepest darkest secrets. I feel the most like I'm on the same level with somebody when I can get things out in the open on BOTH sides. He's such a sweet man, I can't believe my luck. I wonder where he's been all my life!

Wow. That's exciting. It sounds like you've already made the first step. It sounds to me like you're on the right track. Let him take his time. It took my OM and myself several months. It took a couple month just to get to the point where we admitted we were thinking about anything, a couple more months to spend time together outside of the gym (I'm a personal trainer and he was my client) and a couple more months before we went out on a date. Now we can barely get through a day without being together!

I agree with Barbra, now that you are there you are going to have to be patient with him. Guys in general do things at their own pace, older men at a whole nother pace (you have to understand that at 51, every decision he makes seems to be more crucial than when he was 19). It took my boyfriend and I, 3 months to tell each other that we liked each other (he was my boss, I had to come clean first), and another 5 months for us to even kiss, and another 3 months till we were together (there are a lot of circumstances that aren't stated, but it has a lot to do with the pace that they do things). It is good that you know that you like him, and want to be with him, just let him do it at him come around. Try not to be too pushy, be patient. You also have to understand that some people just can't handle the age gap, I am sure that many other people here would agree. If he can't than he can't, and unfortunately there isn't anything that you can do about it. Just wait it out.

Originally posted by bhberrie
Try not to be too pushy, be patient. You also have to understand that some people just can't handle the age gap, I am sure that many other people here would agree. If he can't than he can't, and unfortunately there isn't anything that you can do about it. Just wait it out.

Sadly, the above statement is correct...I dated D for 2 years and I was oh so patient....but in the end he couldn't handle the age gap. Be strong...let us know how it goes :D

I felt it necessary to post an updated message for this topic, since you don't know what is going on. Alan, the 51-year-old that I had a mad crush on, told me over the phone about three weeks ago that it wasn't that he didn't find me attractive, but he felt the age gap was too great. Then he went on to say that he couldn't wait around 'for me to get old'.

Oh well, I guess I would have never known unless I asked. And I came right out and did it, no beating around the bush, because I knew that if I wasn't clear, my question would never be answered.

The one thing I have to give him credit for is how patient and calm, and also how much of a gentleman he was to me. I really appreciate guys like that.

Moving on, I now am corresponding with a 22-year old in my state, along with a 30-year old in Pennsylvania. I'm not about to give up my taste in the more 'refined', older men in our society.

Thanks so much for all of your kind words, I will still be posting on here from time to time.

I am sorry to hear that:( . But keep us posted on new developments with your two new prospects. Dating is never easy, but sometimes it can be so much fun, enjoy yourself. Your young and there are a lot of other fish in the sea (sorry that was so cliche).
~Carolyn

I have been in a similar situation. I met my current boyfriend at work (I was 22, he 48). I struggled for months with my conscience because he was still married at the time. We felt the 'connection' you will be aware of. I let him know how I felt and after a few months of angst, we started seeing each other. We have now lived together for a year and a half and couldn't be happier. So my advice is go for it. I pursued my guy relentlessly and it paid off. Better than always wondering 'what if?...'