Ending things??? - Going on Vacation

Well I leave on Vacation on Friday.

Things are not going so well between me and my YM. He's 23 and I'm 40. He just doesn't seem to have time to spend with me. I told him in the very beginning (over 2 1/2 months ago) that I did not want to be in a long distance relationship or an online relationship. He lives about 1/2 hour away from me and goes to school 1 night a week about 15 minutes away from me.

I've expressed to him many times that i would prefer to talk live on the phone and/or see him in person more than I do, yet nothing seems to sink in. He won't call me, we've only seen each other 3 times in our time together.

He can spend hours online with me at night, but won't come over or call. It just makes no sense to me.

I keep telling him what i need and would like in a relationship and he tells me things are going to change and he'll make things work, but then he doesn't change or alter his actions in any way.

So I'm leaving for 10 days on vacation, not sure where the relationship (as it is) is going. I'm tending to believe that it's going to end. I feel like i'm having a relationship with a monitor and keyboard rather then with someone I care about.

He tells me he loves me and wants to be a part of my life but when I try to include him he backs away. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me, but he won't spend any time with me.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe the time away from the computer will help me figure out my mind and my heart.

"I told him in the very beginning (over 2 1/2 months ago) that I did not want to be in a long distance relationship or an online relationship. He lives about 1/2 hour away from me and goes to school 1 night a week about 15 minutes away from me."

I think it's very good that you stated how you felt at the very begining.

Now it's time to back up your words with actions (which is exactly what you're asking him to do as well when he promises to see you). He *needs* a consequence for not upholding his word. Leave for vacation, do not engage in anymore online activity with him. *Show* him what it means to *say* something and stick with it.

I know this will be hard to do at first, but with each passing day it will get easier.


:)
thatgirl

This makes me sad...you're only a half hour from each other...I'd be over every night :) lol

Well, I think confronting your concerns head to head might be a good idea. Make it crystal clear to him...let him know how you are feeling. Tell that he says one thing, but does another. Confront it and expect the worst, hope for the best and don't stress...it's only been 2 1/2 months....good luck!

EM

Yeah, I don't 'get' it either! How the heck do you love someone and therefore want to be with them, and NOT show up when you live that close? It's good you said what you want...now DON"T SETTLE. Hope your vacation gives you some clarity. I can't help but feel like there is some information missing on his part that would explain his (lack of ) actions. :confused:

I know he's afraid of getting hurt - BUT so am I.

I've been telling him for weeks that I need to hear the sound of his voice, I need to see him, feel him, just spend some quality time together.

I know he's busy with work and school. But I'm busy also. I've offered to go up to near where he is, but he turns me down left and right.

When I get to where I can't take it anymore, I tell him just to go away, that he doesn't have time for me and that I need more in a relationship, once I do that, suddenly he's ready to drop everything and come to me. I don't think it's fair that it has to get to that point.

If you say you are going to do something, then do it.

Once I tell him to go away, suddenly he want's to talk and suddenly he wants to get together and talk about our relationship.

Don't get me wrong, the sex is great, but it's not what I would consider a "meaningful" relationship the way it's going.

I need a break from work and this mess -

i care about him, but I just don't want to live like this


thanks for all the advice from everyone

keep it coming

My YM and I are pretty much the same age as you guys. He's 23 and I'm 39. Things have been working out great for us. We've overcome some trus issues that came up a little while ago and we are now like an old married couple. If we go one day w/o seeing each other, we go nuts!

One thing I don't understand from your post. If you guys have only seen each other 3 times (and you said that's like in a 2.5 month period) how can he tell you that he loves you? How can anyone be certain that they love someone after having only seen them 3 times. Personally, I would be very skeptical and would have a hard time believing him, especially because his words are not backed up by his actions. Half hour is not that far.

Try to get him out of your mind and enjoy your vacation. The timing is perfect. Let him miss you and figure out if he wants to pursue this in a different, more mature way.

Just my 2 cents.

Have a great time! Wish I was going on vacation. :(

All the "I love yous" in the world are worthless unless your actions back that up. I'm sorry -- I'm with the others. Try to move on.

I wish you happiness and love.

Two points

"1/2 hour" apart is NOT a long distance relationship = YM is 125 HIGHWAY miles away in the next major city, so any distance that could be transversed in under an hour would be heaven.

"Loves me" is how things are described after so little time together and so little time elapsed? - were you guys great friends before the romance or something?

Go on vacation, take a break from life, give him space if you think there's some future.

Don't angst over it being an LDR (it's not) and his loving you (IMHO - too soon for that).

I'm not saying we are in a long distance relationship, but it feels like we are a million miles away since i rarely see him, and when I do it takes something dramatic to get him to come see me.

I'm taking everyone's advice and just going on vacation and relaxing and I plan on coming back with a clear mind and a clear heart and if he contacts me when I get back, I'll deal with it then.

But if we decide we want to try to make things work, then I'll insist on some ground rules and expect.......(expect too weak of a word)....demand that he follows them.

Life is too short to be stressing over things such as this.....

thanks everyone - i love this place!!!!

I agree with "thatgirl" and "Jay's Love," ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!! And he definitely needs to prove it! Have fun on vacation! :D

He IS not into you as you seem to be with him.

First of all, stop making excuses....if a guy really wanted to be with you a mere 1/2 hr drive away will not deter him.

Second, if you've only seen him just 3 times in 2.5 months, there's proably something or someone else yanking his chain.

Third, go on vacation and have a good time. You've already told him what you expected and in 2.5 months he's not change, look for someone else. Don't waste any more of your precious time on a guy who just doesn't get it. there are just too many ym searching for someone who will love them and want to be with them in a committed relationship...you're keeping yourself tie to this guy physically while another guy could be right around the corner (maybe even on vacation) waiting to give you his heart.

This one just doesn't know how to be honest and tell you to get lost, after all the sex is good you said...come on, stand tall. Take a stand and focus on you, cause he's not.

Paris

He won't call me, we've only seen each other 3 times in our time together.

He can spend hours online with me at night, but won't come over or call. It just makes no sense to me.

I keep telling him what i need and would like in a relationship and he tells me things are going to change and he'll make things work, but then he doesn't change or alter his actions in any way.


I totally agre with irparis!! (Must have seen the same show!)

Check out the thread that I just posted. He's just not that into you. Move on and find someone that deserves you.

I did see the show, now if we could all get with the program, we won't waste any more time then we need to, after all we are ow, who knows what our life span is after 40 but I'm not going to worry over someone who've I've only seen 2 times in 3 months.

This is a non relationship...zippo, nada, basta...

Paris

just got back from vacation and was able to get away and clear my mind......

This relationship (or whatever you want to call it) with Jeremy isn't working right now and might not ever work. I'm still keeping the lines of communication open. If he wants to talk, I'll answer him back, but I'm not going to be so available like I was before.

I'm opening myself up to new things and new experiences.

Just moving on with my life and whatever will be will be.

thanks for all of the helpful advice, it was greatly appreciated and was all taken to heart.

Life goes on