Love is not enough!

Hello again,

I told you about my wonderful OW, well being wonderful to her and her to me is not always as great as it seems.

I met my OW as she was seperating from her husband. We have been together for almost 8 1/2 months.

When we started out she told me about not getting to be independent and care-free when she was younger because she married so young. She guaranteed me that this would not be an issue in our relationship.

Well I found out today that she feels that she has not lived enough and needs some time to do this.

I thought that I was being fair by asking her to take the time, have fun and do whatever she wanted to, as long as she did not see other men.

When I asked her if she agreed, she said "I don't know" and over and over again she said "I don't know"

I have opened my heart to her when she said that she would not break it, let all walls down when she said I had nothing to worry about. I feel like I was being fair by letting her have her time, but w/o other men. She did not agree nor did she fight it.

How is anyone, male or female, supposed to trust someone when they tell them to open up and trust them and then do something like this.

I have given my all to her, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I treated her kids like they are my own. I love them dearly. I loved her and always showed her...but this was not enough.

TO ALL: Love is not enough, no matter what someone always gets screwed in the end.

Sorry for my venting but I needed somewhere to turn.:(

**wraps her arms around at_pereira and squeezes, tightly**

I am very sad to hear this news. I wish I could offer words of wisdom or comfort...but all I can offer is a hug from my heart.

Elenni

I'm very sorry that you are hurting right now. It's very difficult to date someone who is either separated or newly divorced because they are in the midst of major change in their life. I am very sorry that things did not work out the way you had hoped they would.

(((( hugs ))))

Im sorry your hurting right now....((hugs))

Thanks all,

Your words have helped to shed light on all of this. We talked some more today and we are going to I guess see other people. We are going to still see each other but not as much.

I guess I'll just have to let her go and if she comes back then go from there.

It is not fair of me to not allow her to experience the things that she thinks she is missing or has missed.

I'm just terrified of her not being in my life anymore.

I am so scared. But I guess I am the only one that can deal with that.

Anyway, thanks again all.

Well imagine my surprise when I log in here and see this here. I wasn't going to bring all my issues to the board, but since he decided to vent, understandably so, I will respond.

I met my STB-ex husband when I was 17 years old. He and I dated thru high school, all the way thru college, and married 6 mos after I graduated. I even finished college in 3 years and a few mos so that I could hurry to get married. He and I were together for almost 16 years, married for almost 11. We had two children together, and 4 mos after my second child was born, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That was not in my master plan of course, and threw my life for a LOOP! That was the year 2000. After treatment, when life went back to "normal", I realized my marriage was ending. I was very unhappy, mainly b/c I was hit with my own mortality and realized I had NEVER lived on my own, never dated, never experienced things that most people do in their 20s. There were a few other issues, but for the most part, he and I are great friends, and we decided to finally split in January of 2004.

Well my plan was to live the life I wanted so badly to try out- living on my own, taking care of my kids. Imagine my shock when I met this handsome, fun loving, younger man the week of my split. He and I hit it off immediately, and I joked with him that we never dated-- we met one night and within a week, we were exclusive. I told myself this wouldn't last, but a month later, I was head over heels in love with him, and we've been inseperable ever since. He is WONDERFUL. I cant' say it enough. He drives me CrAzY sometimes and we've definitely had our issues, but we've always worked thru them.

We started talking about marriage. We have looked at rings. Complicate this by adding that my divorce won't be final until January.

I told this wonderful man ( at_pereira as you know him) that I didn't want to end up a year from now, married to him, and saying "OMG Once again, I haven't done the things I wanted to do". I DO NOT want to mess this up. I feel like I need time for us to actually "date", spend time together, as well as an equal amount of time alone. I told him I couldn't promise I wouldn't date others, and I couldn't promise him I would. I did promise him that there would be no sex involved with anyone else, b/c he is the most sexually satisfying man I have ever been with, and he is ABSOLUTELY incredible in that way. This isn't about sex for me- it's about life experiences.

I had another cancer scare this week. i had 3 MRIs and then a biopsy b/c of what they saw. I had no idea if I was about to go down the same road again, and it scared me.

i don't want to lose him over this, but I feel like if i don't pursue who I am, I am losing a bit of myself.

Anyway, I'm not a horrible person, and I'm not selfish, and I do have the ability to love and be loved. I just wanted to make sure you guys didn't think that, and I know he doesn't think that.

Personally, I feel this thread should be deleted, and the both of ya's have a nice romantic evening and talk things through.

We actually already have talked things thru. I just wanted to let those of you that have been a great support system to us both know both sides.

If I offended, or he did, I'm sure I speak for him when I say delete it if it bugs you. Just out of curiosity, why do you think so?

And Kimmy, and Nessa-- thank you for your posts. You really hit things on the head.

Originally posted by SuzieQ71
We actually already have talked things thru. I just wanted to let those of you that have been a great support system to us both know both sides.

Great! And yes, I totally understand. :D

If I offended, or he did, I'm sure I speak for him when I say delete it if it bugs you. Just out of curiosity, why do you think so?


Naw, I'm sure y'all didn't offend anyone and certainly not me. I just don't think it would be right if I aired out any problems between my OW and me, since we're both members of the board. But hey, that's just me. :) Good luck!

I gotcha...
No, it doesn't bother me. If he had done it and we hadn't discussed things at all, that might be different. I actually introduced him to this board a few months ago so he could gleen the same wonderful experiences from it that i have.
:)
Typically, our friends don't understand our relationship, and aren't in the same places as we are, so you guys are a great sounding board for us both.

Hmmm . . . just a few thoughts on this situation. If part of the reason you ended your marriage, was to try and do some of the living you felt you had missed, I don't understand why you would jump immediately into another relationship. I'm not trying to be mean here, but I'm a little confused at the reason for the breakup of the marriage.

My marriage did not end for those reasons, but I did take two years after my divorce to do a lot of reflection and self evaluation of myself and who I was and where I wanted to go before I even wanted to be with another man. Just my opinion, but you probably should have done the same.

Most counselors would tell you that if you don't work out any problems from a marriage or relationship before you enter into another relationship, you will just carry those same problems into the new relationship.

I would not attempt to judge you or at_pereira, but I do believe that the older counterpart has more culpability in being responsible with these YM. And from what at_pereira said in his post about you telling him to let his walls down and trust you, I do feel that he was misled just a little bit here.

I'm not trying to offend either one of you, but I think that you should not get into any relationship on a serious basis (especially to the point of looking at rings) until you feel you have satisfied that yearning to experience all those things you think you missed when you were younger.

I hear you Peachy-
and you are very right.

LIke I said, and he'll say it too-- neither of us thought this would ever be more than just a fun, short- lived, casual thing. Neither of us was looking for a relationship. it was one of those fluke things where we just met randomly and started talking. I definitely should have done what you said and taken some time. I also agree, as the OW, i should have known better. Believe it or not, he has much more experience with dating than me, and I was kind of just blind. But hindsight is 20-20, and I'm where I am now and I have to deal with it. Luckily I have this wonderful man to hold my hand and walk thru it with me.

I think another key point here is Suzie's bout with Cancer. When you're in your early 30's and get hit with something like that, I'm sure it totally messes with your psyche--kind of makes you question everything in your life if that makes sense. Also, with the more current Cancer scare, there's yet another time to take pause and reflect on what's *really* going on in her life. I'm also not sure if this is something a ym could *truly* understand. Let's face it, for the most part, we *gain* coping skills as we grow older--we have to. The more life you experience, the more you have to deal with it.

I don't have a lot of advice here--I'm just kind of thinking out loud. What I see a lot of stressors and transitions that have taken place over the course of five years. Suzie, I wonder if you'd think differently if you had a good two years without anything major happening.

Sorry for the ramble.

Peace,
thatgirl

Luckily I have this wonderful man to hold my hand and walk thru it with me.

Well this wonderful man (against his better judgement) will hold her hand through it all, even if it means losing her.

Her happiness is all that matter to me. I will give up my own happiness inorder for her to smile and enjoy life.

I always called her my sunshine because when she is happy there was no way I could ever be sad. She has a smile that can light up a room and a look that says "I love you" and this will help me through it all.

The one thing I know through everything that we have been through together, is that I care about her more then I care about myself. She is the only person to make me feel that way. I stayed right beside her through her cancer scares, I was her rock and will continue to be.

Now I must be the rock again, even if it means hurting more. I must allow her to be who she wants to be, experience what she thinks she needs to experience, but most of all, show her that through it all...I will be there. I will be there to pick her up when she falls, encourage her to learn more about who she is and what she needs and wants, and love her unconditionally through it all.

I'm hoping that when I set this bird free, she will return with more love and a greater appreciation for me. But if she does not return I will wish her the best of luck.

I don't understand why she needs to do this but I will be there. Just because I don't understand something doesn't mean that it is wrong. She must do what is right and I must be here to help.

I will be happy for her no matter what the outcome.

I know how great of a woman she is. I know that she is a great mom, best friend and love.

But sometimes we need to be reminded of what we have or missed inorder to move foward.... no matter how great we are.

This experience will give us both a chance to see what we are missing, whether it is with others or each other.

I don't know what life will bring me, but I know that no matter what I will always wish my suzieq the best of luck, health and love.

Thank you Kimmy....it's the support and guidance of people like you that keep me here.