Do I dare post again?

I'm sitting here, staring at the "New Thread" and realize geez, I keep starting new treads, why do I have 5 new treads when I look down the list and many people do not? Maybe I am more needy in this time than others.

Anyway, I had a proceedure done on Thursday, it was a minor one but one that caused me to have every emotion humanly possible. As I prepared for the proceedure, and after the proceedure, i was rather sleeping, in tears, in little pain, or laughing for no apparent reason.

SO this is why I am not sure of what I am feeling right now:

My YM called me after surgery to make sure I was okay, and I was very stong for him and made it seem like a cinch, so that he wouldn't worry. But, now I think maybe he needs to worry a bit? Thursday was the last I heard from him. But, after having a discussion on how i would appreciate him to call when he says he is going to call, etc. it's turning me into a lunatic. When we spoke Thursday, before we hung up he said "Okay I'll talk to you tomorrow". No call as of 6:20pm Sunday Central time. AND ITS DRIVING ME NUTS.

Not just that he hasn't called me, that is #1, but after we just had the discussion about the no calls AND he also had added during our conversation that he would try to call more. Which hasn't happened. He has called 2 times this week, Wednesday night and Thursday night. I know that he had a lot of exams that he was worried about this week, and a few papers. Do I blame the no calls on the business of a college student. Well, is he busy all weekend too???????

Now, I am sick of getting annoyed or disappointed with him. I am sick of being the one to say, "Hey, you're doing it wrong" but what do I do?

I am starting to think that maybe I am not cut out for LDR's and maybe I should leave it and just start over. This is something I def. do NOT want to do, but if I am having ups and downs like this so constantly, what do I do?

If I need to be more patient, someone tell me, if I need to be more understanding please tell me. But, I have only complained of him not calling one time which ended in good discussion. I have however acted needy and a bit doubtful which sometimes I think is the reason for his no calls. I'm not sure. All I want is a call, and for him to look at his calendar and say "hey how about you come out or I will come home on this weekend". Is this too much to ask????

One important part of a relationship is that the couple communicates. One should always do what one says one will do. If it were me, and I had a procedure, and my b/f said he was going to call me on Friday and still hasn't by Sunday, I'd be steaming! :mad:

Red, you are investing alot in this relationship. LDR's are tough, but they are even more difficult when one of the people in the relationship fails to hold up their end of the bargain.

You had your discussion with him about your needs. He promised he'd hold up his end of the bargain. But, already, he has let you down by not calling when he said he would.

I hate having to say this, but maybe it is time that you suggest to him that you see other people. Because it doesn't sound like he's taking your concerns very seriously.

To be fair to him. He told me he would call me the night after my proceedure, and he did. But when I talked to him then he said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and didn't call. BTW while I was writing my post he had called but left a vm that he was very busy but wanted to call and say Hi, and he would try me back later tonight.

I know he is busy and i keep saying that to myself, he is struggling and the one time I asked him "Are we okay?" he said "yeah we are, why?" and I said "Just checking in" he said "yes we are good, you dont even have to ask that"

Oh ok, well, that does make a difference. He sounds like he is trying, even though he missed calling you once when he said he would. How about praising him when he calls you? Tell him how much you appreciate it when you do hear from him. Try placing less focus on those times when he forgets or gets too busy? I don't know. Just some suggestions.

Hi red,

I've been following your posts and I thought I'd toss in my two cents...

In my opinion, you ask for so little and are given even less. Yes, your ym may be busy but it's really nothing in one's day to take five minutes and give someone you care about a phone call.

Think about it...five minutes a day out of twenty-four hours. He can't seem to do this.

Imagine how much better you would feel if he made that five minute phone call to you every day.

All relationships are give and take and I honestly feel he could give just a bit more.

I hope you feel better.

Peace,
thatgirl

I decided to get down to the bottom of it all, I called him and asked if we could talk for a bit. I told him how I feel, unappreciated, I feel like his obligation, etc.

He was very sweet, kept saying IM so sorry. He explained to me how he had fund raisers for his volleyball team this weekend again, he had a volleyball match friday after classes, and yesterday. He said he was going to call me last night but he figured i was out, and he was sitting at home with his buddy watching TV and they both passed out on the sofa.

He said he was so sorry, and that he doesn't think of me as his obligation and he wants to talk me. He said that he appreciates everything I do, and he is sorry that he hasn't been there to call me a lot lately.

He was very sweet and I didn't hold my feelings back. But, when I said to him, you need to speak up and tell me how you feel, i know nothing about what you feel, he said no, dont talk about it, everything is good. I think he is shy maybe? Cause he will not tell me how he feels and then all the sudden one day he will call me and tell me I am the love of his life and how happy he is that we have eachother and how perfect we are together. Is that a guy thing or an age thing?

If I don't respect his space while he is at school.......aren't I crossing some boundaries and in turn disrespecting him?

You keep talking about respecting his space while in school, Red. Well, it's not like all his time is consumed with school and he can't ever talk to you, right? If you have a need that is not being met by him, I think it's perfectly ok to discuss it. Honestly, if it were me, and he kept saying he didn't want to discuss it because in his view, everything is "ok", well, if that were me, that would make me feel as if he's not taking my concerns seriously enough.

You've got a tough situation. You need him to talk to you on a regular basis. He's not always able to do so. You will somehow need to reconcile within yourself if this is something you can live with for the next 7 months until he finishes school. If you are unable to, then all you can do is present to him what your needs are and hope that he'll be able to meet them.

Never be afraid to communicate with him Red.

Asking for five minutes a day is in no way disrespectful of him, nor is it a boundary violation.

He needs to put in just a *little* more effort, don't you think?

Peace,
thatgirl

That's why I was asking if this is an age thing or a guy thing. I picture him going from class directly to volleyball practice and with all his guy friends. I don't think typically guys would say "hey man, I gotta call my girlfriend be right back" a girl woudl do that, but a guy?

Then going straight from volleyball out with his friends, it's like a macho thing I think. Everytime we talk on the phone he is alone and I appreciate that because all the attention is on me.

I couldn't stand my ex calling me from a bar and hearing guys in the background giving him hell for being on the phone with his girlfriend.

So what I am saying is maybe he really IS that busy, PLUS it is just hard for him to have a few minutes to call me. And I have seen him with that phone, lol, he is very considerate, and when someone calls and you are with him, he will send it to voice mail. I guess I can understand from his point of view. And I think if he thought I was being unreasonable he would have said to me, look I try okay. Instead he said, you know what you are right and I am sorry and I will try to be more dependable and call you more.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but maybe I am overreacting a bit? I mean I do have to expect to not talk to him as much now that we are in an LDR, right??? Maybe I need to occupy my time a little more.

And the reason I speak of respecting his space is because this year is very hard for him. He should have graduated last year but was suspended from school due to his grades. I know he is trying harder this year and has a study coach and everything. So that is what I mean about respect.

Or am I just a lunatic?

Heylo :)

I was involved in an LDR with a YM for almost 8 months. He was 20 in TX, I am 39 in NY.

For the first several months everything was great .. in fact almost too perfect. We spoke for hours online and a few times a day on the phone. We even got the same cell phone provider so we could take advantage of the inlimited minutes that could be used between members of the same provider. There were many strong emotions conveyed and we even had plans to meet after several months. He ALWAYS called when he said he would and even if he could not call or be in touch with me at a certain time .. he always let me know somehow why and when he would not be available.

As the time grew nearer for my visit .. all of a sudden the calls and the online convos started to trickle off ... I gave him the benefit of the doubt and excuses that maybe there was this and that going on and la la dee dee dah. After a very blunt email from me the calls started again right as they had always been along with a very long description of all the personal difficulties he had been having. His band broke up, he was laid off from his job, his car was old and he needed a new one, he had to move back in with his dad etc.

Well, I am a reasonable person and people go through hard times as I had gone through when my ex husband and I split almost 2 years ago so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We rekindled whatever had gone sour and decided to meet again .. however this time I said he was to come meet me. We weighed it out and decided that with our current life circumstances it would be easier for him to come meet me over this past summer while my daughter was in FL visiting her dad. In the interim, he got a new job, started up a new band and decided to put off getting an apartment until after coming to see me.

Guess what ... as the time for HIS visit grew closer again the phone calls started to trickle off ... he was not online as much and the whole damn cycle started over again. I sent another blunt, straightforward email telling him how I felt and why this was going on. This time it was read and no answer .. I even allowed a week for a reply.

AS tough as it was for me to do I ended the relationship. I sat up the entire night before thinking about it. I decided I did not deserve to be treated like this, I refused to settle and I was going to stop making excuses for him to myself. The break up did not go very well and my heart hurt for a while after but it was not the end of the world. I set my limits and I stuck by them.

Its been 4 and a half months since its been over and I tell ya I feel great. I still talk to him once or twice a week but it is on a more friend type of basis .... I decided to chalk up the whole thing as a great learning experience for me.

Although your situation may be different from mine .. I simply advise dont settle. If something is unacceptable to you express your feelings why and hopefully things will pan out. No one deserves to feel bad and unsure over someone they care about who happens to be far away. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. As these fine ladies here said communication in an LDR is soooo important. The lack of it caused the ending of mine. In the long run however, it is up to you if you want to stick with it or not. I hope whatever your decision is it is the best one for YOU!

Sorry for my rambling but maybe my lack of posting recently just had me going on and on ...

Ciao for now!

In Late July I went out to the Hamptons for a weekend which is about 100 miles from where I live. That Saturday night I went out a club to dabble in a bit of dancing. I ended up speaking to a guy who had been staring at me in the parking lot before I went inside. He was the exact opposite of the type of guy I am normally attracted to. I like blond, geeky type men around my height (5'8") and age (39). This one was Italian, 6' and a union highway worker and a YM ... he is 29.

When we got to talking about where we lived .. check this out!! He frikken lives around the corner from me!! He loves metal and punk rock.... he went to same OZZfest concert that I did. He loves angel hair pasta and Michelob Ultra Beer. And wow does he make me laugh.

Anyway, we have been velcro the past 2 months so who knows what will happen. I am just going to enjoy myself while it lasts .. for how long it will I have no idea but it just keeps getting better and better.

Life is good ... but funny I had to travel 100 miles and unexpectedly find one of lifes treasures was just around the corner :)
:D

I think I am getting a little upset with these posts. I have never heard anyone say before to me that I should leave him because he is too busy. I guess I came here for an understanding of him and maybe I am asking the wrong questions. I am not going to up and leave the love of my life because of this. This is a minor minor thing in the whole realm of life. If giving up this fast is right, then I can understand why the divorce rate is so high. What happened to try to understand and not judge him? Try to be reasonable and kind about the situation? AND LDR's are just plain hard and yes there are bumps in the road.

Not, break it off cause he isn't calling you when YOU think he should???!!!???

Good Morning Red,

I don't understand why you are getting upset. You asked for everyone's honest opinions and it appears to me that you are getting them. Granted they may not be what you would like to hear, but I don't see anyone who is being intentionally hurtful...

The decision is ultimately yours as you know your relationship best. My opinion is that you are making excuses for him but sometimes when we are too close to a situation, it's difficult to see things for what they really are.

I hope things work out for you.

Peace,
thatgirl

Red, I think that people are only trying to give you their opinions based upon a concern that you yourself raised. You don't have to agree with the opinions. After all, you know him much better than we do. But, when you post here looking for opinions, please be prepared to receive the full gamut of opinions. Just take what you need from what is said here and leave the rest behind.

Trust in your heart and follow your instincts. :)

Originally posted by BirdLady
Although your situation may be different from mine .. I simply advise dont settle. If something is unacceptable to you express your feelings why and hopefully things will pan out. No one deserves to feel bad and unsure over someone they care about who happens to be far away. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. As these fine ladies here said communication in an LDR is soooo important. The lack of it caused the ending of mine. In the long run however, it is up to you if you want to stick with it or not. I hope whatever your decision is it is the best one for YOU!

Red I never said to break it off with your guy. I simply stated my experience and why I ended mine. Imagine having little or no contact with someone you potentially loved who was many miles away that started out of nowhere with no explanations why for several weeks. Then working things out and it happens AGAIN a couple months later!!

I only wish you the best in your LDR. I do hope it works out. But poeple live differently and have different experiences with similar situations. I hope you were not upset by anything I said .. I just simply stated my experience and what I did with it. I judge no one and what you do with your relationship is your business. But you asked for opinions and you got them.

I will tell anyone here now ... I learned a hella lot just from reading these forums. I just wish there were such wise and honest people in other sites and areas of the net.

Red you asked for advice based on your experience ... you got it. From what I have seen .. no one here wishes anyone any ill will nor tried to tell you what to do. Again I reiterate ... do whats the best for you and what makes you happy.

Red,

LDR's are hard. I'm going through a rough patch in mine right now. I understand your frustration 100%. If I had any advice it would be to:

A) Relax

B) Nurture yourself

C) Invest some of the time you are investing in worrying about all of this into growing your own garden.

You've stated your needs to him. They either get met or they don't. Having them met is nice. Not having them met isn't the end of the world, esp. if you have a rich, full life of your own. If you do have a rich, full life of your own, none of this stuff is such a big deal. He's a kid in school. He's developing. He doesn't know all the right answers for you. He is busy. That's the reality of his life. I'm sure he loves you.

I hope you are feeling well after your procedure.

Kat

I know you are looking to find ways to make your relationship more successful ... to build a life with your YM. I know that you are more looking for feedback that consists of positive suggestions from others about how you might achieve that. Sometimes it is hard to ask for that in a way that others understand ...

Yes this is what I am going for here, maybe I asked the wrong way or maybe I was misinterpreted. But, I am looking for positive advice, because I do not want my relationship to fail, if I did, I wouldn't care and I would just leave him.

I know that no one intentionally tried to insult me, forgive me I am having emotional issues with my surgery, which was my original question to begin with. I think maybe, possibly, I am over emotional and over worried because of the emotional stress I am under from my surgery.

So I do appreciate everything everyone has said, and I am sorry if I took it the wrong way or insulted anyone back with my comments.

A) Relax

B) Nurture yourself

C) Invest some of the time you are investing in worrying about all of this into growing your own garden.


You hit nail on head Danielson. Thank you grasshoppa!! This is helping. Thank you. :)

He called me tonight, on his way out with his friends, it was a quick 5 min talk, but it made all the difference. I think he understands now that I need that. He ended with an I love you and miss you and I will call you tomorrow night.

I think my hormones are out of whack and I am just a freak. I need to be on tour with the circus and the other freaks.

He is the sweetest guy and I love him to death. I hate doubting him, I want to just believe no matter how bad I feel mentally due to surgery, hormones or whatever is doing it to me. My friend said it's probably because I quit smoking. She said she was an emotional wreck when she quit. I have no clue, this is the first time I have actually been able to really quit. Most times I say I am going to quit, then I have my emergency pack hiding somewhere in my condo. :p

Thanks for all the posts today, I appreciate them all!!

<No, really I do!>