Older women who want children

Hi everyone, I'm a 26YO male, new to this board and have a question about your experiences with younger men and older women, specifically regarding the woman's desire to have children.

My situation is thus: After ending a 5 year relationship about a year ago, I spent the last year fooling around and enjoying my freedom. I was not looking for a committed relationship at all. During that period I was with several older women who opened my eyes to the wonders that they could offer. Intelligence, grace, beauty, confidence, excellent sex, etc. I probably don't need to explain all of the wonderful difference between most OW and younger women to those reading this board. ;-)

Recently I decided that I was looking for something more serious with someone and have found myself falling in love with an amazing 32 year old French woman. She has nearly everything I am looking for in a partner (of any age), and we have had a series of wonderful, intimate experiences together. Of course love takes time to develop, but there is obvious potential for a wonderful relationship here. She is falling for me and I for her, but there is one BIG problem.

After having been through 4 or 5 serious relationships in her life, she is at a point where she is very clear that she wants to settle down and have children soon. Very soon, as in 1 or 2 years. I look forward to the day when I am at a place in my life where I could support children, but right now I am not there.

As a result, she has offered to be lovers with me, but she is clear that her priorities are children and marriage and that she would have to keep looking for someone else who was immediately ready for children. Having been in an open relationship before, I am clear that this is not what I want. I am not ready for marriage yet, but I am ready to begin building a relationship that could lead to marriage in a few years. But I have to be honest and realistic with myself and admit that now is not that time for me.

So my question is, are we doomed? She knows what she wants (kids), I know what I want (a partner to explore Europe with), and it seems like despite the fact that we may be wonderful for each other in most other ways, we just don't line up in this respect.

Should I just give up now before one of us gets hurt? Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is this something I should expect from other women her age? I would appreciate any advice anyone can provide, especially women who may have been in this situation before.

It really is a damn shame because she is an amazing woman and we really enjoy being with each other.

Thanks for any advice you can provide... I need some serious, sober guidance.

Best wishes,
N

Welcome to agelesslove, Cosmos. Wow. That's a tough situation, but one reason that it's important to communicate about goals early on in a relationship so that you both understand where you stand with each other.

I'm assuming that you two have had this discussion and that she is completely aware how you feel on the subject.

It would be totally up to the two of you if this is something that you feel you can continue. I know if it were me, and I had my heart set on my goal, and my new partner's goals conflicted with mine, it would be difficult for me to want to continue in the relationship. It's not like I could change what I want. People simply want what they want. You can't force her to change what she wants, nor can she force you to change either.

On the other hand, you are both still quite young. At age 32, she has time to wait to have children. If you were to continue to see each other for a while, it's possible that one, or both, of your opinions may change on the issue. If you do fall in love with her, it's possible that you may find that your goals and wants will change. Likewise for her.

One thing you don't mention is exactly how long you two have been seeing each other. Why not give it a little more time and see what happens before you give up completely? But, you need to make that decision together. If she feels that nothing will change her mind and that she's not willing to wait, that's something that you'll have to come to terms with.

I'm sorry for the rambling reply. It's just that there's no way that I can easily tell you what to do, especially since I've not been in this situation myself. It will just be a decision that the two of you are going to need to make together. And I wish you all the best as you sort through what you'll do. Please keep us posted.

if it was just a question of being able to support a child financially, i'd say that unless you were loaded you might as well go ahead because you're never really ready for all the things a child need financially.

BUT....

this seems more like a question of being ready in your spirit. she is, you aren't. big red flag.
i've known of 3 women and heard tell of many others, who, because the man in their lives said he didn't want kids, said ok, me either. guess what came back to bite em in the booty? the woman turned around after they were married and said, guess what? i'm pregnant because i wanted to be and i told you this prior to our marrying.
children are the one most important thing in a relationship. in whatever fashion they do or don't come in. because if they are introduced.....you have an impact on the life of another person for the rest of your life. if they aren't introduced and one wants them and another doesn't.....hard feelings and resentment might be on the horizon.
you have GOT to make sure that she understands where you stand on this subject. what you want, how you want to wait, etc.

best of luck and if you have time, let us know how it goes.

Tracy

I feel that it isn't that the woman feels her maternal clock is running down, but that she wants to find a man to marry then start the process of having children. She wants to not be going thru menopause and teenagers at the same time. That combination could be a relationship killer and a depression maker.

Also if it proves that she has difficulty getting pregnant, if she has difficulty carrying a child, these things need to be known up front and solutions planned for.

While this lady is willing to give you her body, she is keeping her heart for the man she marries.

Since you aren't ready, you should go on your merry way and ensure that neither of you are hurt.

EVERY time i have planned a relationship around an agenda, I LOST.

maybe i am not detailed orientated enough to keep on my path of what my agenda is about.

i remember, everytime, things got a bit sticky, i longed for the man who would give me the type of romantic love that i sorely missed. so I have come to the conclusion that unless i have the one agenda of finding someone i can truly love, it is not going to work for me.

i gotta love the person, the person, not the agenda. if every pregnancy was a planned pregnancy in a perfect situation we would be extinct. or we could possibly be a bunch of neurotics from being spawned from control freaks.

sometimes ya gotta just go with the flow and it would not hurt if you both had a heart to heart talk about compromise. If you love each other enough then a little giving in here and there wouldnt hurt. I agree with Mrs. Hedgehog, you may be closer than you think to a resolution or coming to a deeper understanding of each others needs to make a more comfortable decision.

it really does sound like you are both very mature in that you have already talked rationally about what each of you want.

seems like the only point you are in dissagreement over is a time frame. you said you are falling in love with her, so if it were me, i would continue, keeping the lines of communication open and see where you are as the relationship develops.

best wishes for a positive outcome for you :)

No. I wouldn't say this is what you should expect from any relationship with an older woman. This is what you can expect in your relationship with THIS woman.

What's called for here is compromise. No reason at all that a 32 year old woman can't explore Europe with you. And there's no reason why you can't start a family with the woman you love in four or five years if this is the person you really want to be with.

If you can sit down and talk about a plan that encompasses both your goals, then perhaps you would feel less trapped and she would feel less rootless.

It's not impossible if you both want to bad enough. Thank God she's 32. This would be much harder if you were involved with a 36 year old woman!

Think about what you're really willing to put on the table and then throw it out there and see how she reacts. If she's as into you as you are her, then she'll meet you halfway. If she doesn't, then I think you have your answer.

....

Thanx Desert Spring..........Im 37 yr woman and he is 23 yr guy and it is a much harder situation than yours Cosmos7.

Im supprised I havn't heard much about this subject on this site.

My dilemma is truly upsetting as we both really care and even probably love each other.

We both hate it when we think the other is with someone else. And we cannot stand not seeing each other.

Seeing us together you would not notice the ages difference, however, it does seem to be problem for him and whilst he really cares about me, I fear he may not overcome this.

I know I am going to have a child one day, the trouble is I've just been going along with this for about one year now, and not really thinking about the consequences, only really about how I feel about him.

I cannot be with another while I am with him, so I have suggested we take some time apart, mainly for him to work out if he really wants to be with me or not.

I feel like I need some kind of miracle for us to be together.

My only alternative is to be a single mother with his child and have him flitting in and out of my life, while I meet someone else.

Im not sure if I want this....... so Im thinking too

Cosmos7, I feel this is what you should do,

She still have time to wait, and by then you will probably be ready.

If I was in your situation I probably wouldn't even see it as a problem. If you both love each other and you know you want to be with her, then, hey, thats great isan't it....

I say make sure that this is exactly what you want...as much as she may be able to have children in 4/5 years...the truth is that her ability to produce mature eggs are diminishing... she knows this and has told you it non negiotable.

I had friends who recently divorce, the perfect couple...he was crazy about her, she about him, married for about 10 years. She was 21, he was 25. She knew she wanted to kids some day...and while she was willing to wait until she finish her master/phd and get a job, he did not want children and keep taking her on lavish vacations to keep her mind off of the baby stuff. When she got to 30 she felt she was ready for children, they were both in a good place but he still did not want children. He kepted taking her here and there trying replace her feelings with material objects to encourage her to lose her interest in children. Last year they divorce as she was fed up with him and at 31, she knew her chances for mature eggs to be dying. She worked at a hospital as the administrator and talked to alot of people on infertility.

What got us is that, he was fantastic with kids...they just love him to bits...and she was a good a person who had the capability of being a great mother, he knew this...why would he hesitate knowing that he had a great wife and surely a great mother, we don't know. Towards the end when he envision his life without her, he try to get her back by deciding to go ahead and have a child but by then her love for him had died and she moved on with herself until such time she finds someone who is on her page.

So I ask you, make sure this is where you want to be...if you cannot envision being her husband and a father to your children, she has every right to be with someone who sees her as such. Exam if you really are in love with her, I find that people who are absolutely, head over heels, over the ballpark homerun in love with their mates will do whatever it takes for that person.

Paris

Originally posted by MrsHedgeHog
Hi Cosmos, and welcome :)

It sounds like you both are being level headed and honest about your goals for your future. I think, in any good relationship, it's important, if possible, to explore life together before you bring a new life into the world... so, even though I am not the wisest person at this site by a long shot, if you were both personal friends of mine and you'd asked me for my thoughts, here's what I would say:

If you're considering a long term future together in any possible way, I think there is a good possibility for compromise. Assuming this is a newish relationship, you're going to want to grow as a couple anyway and that's going to take at least a year, maybe two. After that, suppose you decide to start a family together. IF she gets pregnant right away, after you make that decision together, she'd be pregnant for nine months and you'd be 29 by the time you had your first baby.

My point is -- don't put a doom spin on your goals; they're not as far apart from each other as they seem and there's plenty of room to accomodate both of your dreams!

I'd be much more apprehensive if you weren't interested in having children at all, know what I mean?

I think I quite agree with her, since you are also not totally averse to the idea of having children etc I think it would be best ot try it out and along the way figure it out.

Hello everyone!

Sorry it has been so long to get back you guys on this thread. It has been a crazy few weeks, but I feel like things are starting to settle into a good groove now so I have some more news to report.

First, thank you all for your kind advice and suggestions. It turns out many of you were right on the mark. Of course the situation is different for every woman and every couple, but it is obviously an issue for women at this stage in life. We've had many, many long discussions, and I believe I understand the particulars of our situation better now.

The reality is that she wants children soon, but it she isn't so dead set on having them NOW. The situation is more complicated than that. Basically she has reached a point in her life where she has had her heart broken so many times that she is tired of going through the whole exciting / exhausting relationship cycle if it isn't going to be with the person who she's going to have children with. So of course the stakes are higher for her, and children / marriage are the lens through which she's analysing the situation.

But this is actually a reflection of her desire for an enduring partner who will be the right husband for her and father for her kids more than it is just the ticking of her biological clock. I think this is a very important distinction. What it means for me is that there is room for flexibility and compromise in terms of time scale and the exact plan of our relationship, if we decide to start one. Like someone said, every time you plan a relationship with an agenda, it tends to backfire, so I have hope that we've got some freedom to enjoy each other and deal with the situation like adults.

The good news is… she loves me too! After nearly 2 months of convincing her that I was serious and that she could trust me, she's finally opening up to the possibility of a relationship and has told me her feelings. All of you can empathise with this feeling. It feels great. And it also feels very solid -because- it took so long, which gives me a lot of hope for the future. And of course with the stress of the whole "commit now / babies now" situation lifted, we're a lot more relaxed and free to enjoy each other. And the sex is great. ;-)

All in all, thanks so much for everyone's advice. For young men in my shoes in the future, this is a serious issue that you need to take very, very seriously. It stressed me out because I felt like she was waiting to decide if she would marry me before dating me, which of course meant if she decided to date me, than we're on the road to marriage! You can imagine how constrictive that felt. Although this is partially the case, don't let the automatic biological robotics of a woman's age cloud her essential nature as a free willed individual with a unique history and unique goals for the future. I feel that I'm lucky because my partner was able to loosen up enough to enjoy the situation and think about having kids in a few more years instead of right now.

Although the future is uncertain and no one can make promises so early in a relationship, you have to be 100% honest and realistic about imagining yourself having kids in 1 year, 3 years, or 10 years. Like the story about the couple that divorced after he tried to distract her with trips and material things, if you aren't in fundamental alignment over the general direction of your future, you should cut your losses now and avoid getting hurt. But if you ARE in alignment and the time scale is the only issue, my advice is to relax, talk about it, relax some more, talk about it some more, and keep talking about it as the relationship grows.

Above all else, make sure you enjoy each other and love being with each other because love is supposed to be fun FIRST! That is Mother Nature's way of getting us to get together and make babies in the first place.

Thanks again everyone and good luck!

Love,
Cosmos7

Hey Cosmo,

How fabulous to hear this!

Just what I was hoping for:)

Always good to hear stories like this.

Congratulations on working to iron out your differences and stay together!