OW/YM question

I am 30 years old and recently divorced. I have been "seeing" a 23 year old ever since my husband left. We don't speak unless we run into each other at a bar or elsewhere and he ends up taking me home. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone. Should we be shameful about this? My friends think it's a terrible thing because he is young and using me. I told them I am using him right now just as much as he is using me. I keep saying it's not going to happen again but it does. I am enjoying myself with him but not sure it's a very smart move. I was with my husband for 7 years and not looking for anything serious at this point. Should I hang this up now before it's too late or keep enjoying myself? Any advice is appreciated.

You should continue enjoying yourself.

If you're not ready for something serious (in your own words) and this is something not serious, then why would you stop?

Nobody is getting used unless they are hoping for one thing and getting another.

If you are happy and he is treating you respectfully as one human being to another, then everything is fine and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Life is short. Wear your party pants.

Enjoy yourself!!! Now where's tha' party at???

I am sorta in the same boat. I was with my ex (boyfriend, not husband) for 7 years and now am with a 22 year old, I am 30. I have been with him 5 months, and although things can get weird and tough at times to figure out, I wouldn't trade this for the world.

If you are having a good time, keep it up. Your friends will eventually have to accept it if they want you as a friend. All my friends called him my boy toy for the first couple months, then they realized I had feelings and stopped. If they are truly your friends they will not judge you!!!

Hi Shelley, and welcome to agelesslove. I say that if the two of you are both open and up front about the nature of this relationship, then go for it. I do think that if you haven't been clear with him about this not being serious, then what do you have to lose? Trust me, I know what small town mentality can be like. But, it's nobody else's business what you do in your personal life.

It sounds like you are developing feelings for this person, the question is if you should hang it up before you get into deep? that does not sound like you are looking at this like a fling.

the age gap that you have between you and this man is very small and is not so much an issue, as long he is a mature person or a person you can relate too, his age is very insignificant.

sometimes we just know that the person we are with is not long term. it is a friendship of sorts, however, i really believe most people give a part of their heart when the relationship turns intimate, our need to mate is secondary to the need of being intimate and experiencing love with another person. if deep in your heart you realize this man is just passing thru and you may be developing feelings then it is wise to pull the plug.

sometimes it is wise to put the brakes on to see what the two of you have, maybe he may feel that there is more to this then just two lonely people at the end of a night. I am not an advocate of sowing your oats after a divorce, giving youself some time to heal and allow yourself to be introspective of what you want in a relationship and realizing your part in the divorce can be healthy also, you may already be at this point and know what you want in the future. I dont want to imply otherwise, it is just that I think we trivalize divorce sometimes and it does take time to heal, possibly the dating scene is where you will get your feet underneath you again.

protect your heart and give it to only worthy suitors.

shelley go for it girl...people have nothing better to do than crticise others...

dont worry i am with you...

just show me the ppl , i am gonna kick their a---

i have understood one thing...to be happy in life one has to ignore ppl and their worthless advice...

all the worthwhile ppl are in ageless i guess

My YM's friends love to tease us about this. They will say stuff like When Red was first getting drunk at bars, You were trying to get to first base and walking around the streets cause you didn't drive yet.

Gives me the willies when I think of it.

I was graduating high school when Jay was BORN. That's a scary thought....

Hey! Speaking of, and this may be an entirely different thread in itself, what does everyone think of the Teacher and the student. Mary Kay Letourno (sp?). I watched the 20/20 special about it on Sunday, actually an interview with Mary Kay. What are everyones thoughts on that?

I don't think of it that way. Vili was a little boy of what, 13 years old? She knew better and that was wrong... Once someone is legal age with an OW, it's a much different story.

Originally posted by red
Hey! Speaking of, and this may be an entirely different thread in itself, what does everyone think of the Teacher and the student. Mary Kay Letourno (sp?). I watched the 20/20 special about it on Sunday, actually an interview with Mary Kay. What are everyones thoughts on that?


Red, if you do a search in the chit chat section you'll find a very lengthy thread on this topic. Unfortunately, that's one of those dead horses we about beat to death a few weeks ago, but it will make for some interesting reading for you. :p

Here I go to the Chit Chat section! Thanks Whiterose!!

I keep saying it's not going to happen again but it does. Why are you saying that it is not going to happen again? If it is because of what others think.. then I say, don't worry about what others think. If it is because doing this goes against your beliefs and better judgment, then I would avoid the bars at closing time.

What would signify that it is "too late"?

Your answer needs to come from within yourself. Look at where you really want to be. If this adds to your life.. good. If this does not feel right or detracts from who you think you are, then maybe you should stop.

Originally posted by shelly1974
I am 30 years old and recently divorced. I have been "seeing" a 23 year old ever since my husband left. We don't speak unless we run into each other at a bar or elsewhere and he ends up taking me home. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone. Should we be shameful about this? My friends think it's a terrible thing because he is young and using me. I told them I am using him right now just as much as he is using me. I keep saying it's not going to happen again but it does. I am enjoying myself with him but not sure it's a very smart move. I was with my husband for 7 years and not looking for anything serious at this point. Should I hang this up now before it's too late or keep enjoying myself? Any advice is appreciated.

Your friends really should care about your happiness and if you're happy and you aren't harming anyone, then I don't see what the problem is.

If you're not looking for a relationship right now, I think it's best to tell him so he fully understands and doesn't get hurt.

Your friends are probably jealous because they see you having so much FUN! :D

As a dear member of these boards used to say:

"Suck life dry and toss away the husk!"

Don't end this fling until you're good and ready (if you ever ARE good and ready). Love is always a risk...and always worth it!

I'm sorry. Shameful about what? That you are older or that you are having casual sex?

I hope it's not because of the age difference because my YM is 23 and I'm 37. I don't feel shameful about that at all! :D

Now, if it's because of the casual sex, that's something that only you can come to grips with because it's your personal belief system. I wouldn't dare tell you how you should feel about that!

I guess my question is why you think that it might not be a smart move. Just saying that it might not be a smart move could imply alot of things, so before I could give you any meaningful advice, I would have to know why you said this.

Is there something about this man that is reproachable?
Is he a bum?
Is he married?
Is he a swinger who might hurt you down the road?
Do your friends see red flags that you cannot explain away in your own head?
Or do you think that it mignt not be a smart move simply because of double-standardized social conventions?

As to the rest of your situation, seven years is hardly anything. If the age gap in my relationship were only seven year, there would be no issues regarding the age difference at all.

As to everyone knowing everything, I can relate to that.

In the end, if this gent is a decent guy and there is nothing unusual except for your age difference, then your friends need to pipe down and mind their own bussiness.

Keep on rockin,

DanE

Shelly, If this fling is being used as a tool to avoid your feelings of loss (from the marriage break), then even losing a `fling' may hurt you disproportionately. What often happens then is the grieving person is set on a path of finding more `flings' to avoid the grief of losing your marriage, and also of losing the new lover too!.

That may be ok if you have your eyes wide open, but there are some pitfalls in choosing this path for dealing with grief. First, because the goal is more about finding relief from pain through sex, your judgement may not be great. We don''t tend to choose our sex partners with the `character screening' we tend to use when we are looking for a partner. You could wind up getting hooked on the wrong person (and wrong person can be a batterer, a stalker, or just a general weirdo)

Second, even these `fling' kind of losses can be painful for some and set you on path of promiscuity (which can lead to more pain and withered self esteem).

Thrid, Being involved in a promiscous lifestyle can result in alienation from people best able to help you heal from your grief (because it tends to make many people want to back off from you).

Oh, and be careful about STD's etc:)

PS. This is in no way a judgement about having a casual lover or promiscuity, but is meant to be an outline of some of the risks. I learned all this the hard way:))

Just be careful.