New Baby, Marriage Failing (YW/OM)

My husband (a widower from a previous 25 year marriage) and I have been married for 3 years and have been having a tough time. We are 29 years apart and married for the wrong reason...LOVE! We did not live together before we married...dated for 4 years...long distance relationship...and we now know that we both were on our best behavior while we dated. 1st error!

We now have a 1 year old, and although I knew that taking care of her would fall heavily on my shoulders, I didn't realize that he would be "incapable" of caring for her. He believes in roles and believes that caring for a child is solely the mother's responsibility. I also have a career, and am also suppose to take care of the household and all wifely duties.

I AM EXHAUSTED! I receive no compassion from him. Whenever I ask for help from him, he says, welcome to motherhood. My daughter still isn't sleeping through the night so I have night duty, almost every night.

Did I say that my husband is retired? No 9 to 5? I have to get a babysitter just to have some me time away from home, even if he's at home. Imagine...him sitting, watching TV, while a babysitter cares for HIS child.

There are other problems in the marriage, communication and meeting the other's needs. He won't seek counseling and I'm at the end of my rope. Should I seek counseling alone? Should I just accept that I have to do all/most of the parenting? I believe in the constiution of marriage and the vows we took...I want this marriage to work...I do love him but honestly don't like him very much. Shouldn't we be able to get along? We can never seem to meet in the middle...a CONSTANT power struggle...and of course it's me who has to do all the changing.

HELP!

Signed,

Weary! :o

You are in a bad situation, and i will be praying for you. i know you believe in the marriage vows, but i think you should seek counseling for yourself, and seriously reconsider this marriage. it sounds like you are doing all the work while he sits on his butt and does nothing! Of course he isnt going to want to change, why should he when he doesnt have to? he has it made! he has you to bring in the money, you to keep his house clean, you to take care of his child. unless you give him some incentive to change, he isnt going to want to give up this life of luxury with his own personal slave! i know that sounds harsh, but i was in a similar situation for 13 years (except mine came fully equipped with physical and mental abuse also)... my ex wasnt about to change, because i made it so easy for him to remain as he was! go to counseling, and when you build some coping skills, you can confront him. maybe you can go on "strike"... not a big one, but one that will affect him. do your laundry and the babys but not his. make dinner for you and the baby, but not him... dont make it so easy on him to be lazy hun. if you do you will be one miserable exhausted woman in the end!

Hey there.. and WElcome to ageless....

wow... this is a tough situation... How old are you and he? I just had a baby with my husband.. we are 17 years apart.. I am 29 and he is 46. He's very good with my son.. however I do take care of him the most.... even when we are both home...but I wouldn't ever have to hire a baby sitter to take care of my son if he's home.... You need to tell him and not hire the babysitter... just tell him that this isy our baby care for her when i'm working!! As marksangel said don't make it easy for him.. he is old enough to know what he was doing when he got you pregnant and the day you both conceived BOTH your lives changed NOT just yours.....He is old enough to take care of his responsibilities and if he can't then maybe you need to think about the relationship.. Your daughter will ALWAYS be loved so don't focus on that.. Maybe you both should go to counseling.... I wish you the best of luck.. and congrads on your daughter.... They are the only ones important in this.. My son is.. I'd do anything for him with or without my husband...

Thank you so much for your words...I know I should seek counseling and I haven't tried some of the tactics you suggest, which are good ones. He in fact will sometimes do his own laundry and not mine...that DRIVES me nuts!

I should say that he isn't totally a lame duck when it comes to housekeeping...he is actually very anal about cleaning, so he's constantly straightening, even when there's nothing to straighten but it drives him nuts that I don't vacuum every week, and yet we have a cleaning company twice a month. Our house is basically spotless all the time. Nevertheless, he never understands why I'm tired a great deal of the time...work 9 to 5, take care of Victoria when I get home until she's asleep, whether I cook or not I clean up after dinner, sometimes do laundry, pick up her toys and then he gets mad when I'm ready for bed at 9:30. He doesn't care that I have to wake up during the middle of the night while he snores happily. He does also cook but hates that he does. I also am responsibile for Victoria every moment of the weekend.

I think my biggest challenge is that I believe he wants me to be like his former wife, who from what I understand was a SUPERWOMAN...who did it all...and also had a career.

Bottom line, I feel taken for granted. I am not perfect, and don't portend to be but he expects perfection at all times.

I'm so sorry your going thru this!!!

My son is 3 months old... He's not sleepign thru the night either.. I put him to bed at 9 or 10 he usually wakes up at 3 am sometimes 4 if i'm lucky ;) I get up now. because my husband was working and I wasn't.. but I start a new job on Monday so He knows because I told him he has no choice BUT to share the sleepless nights with me!! You shouldn't be like his ex.. your YOU and only should be that!!! You just go about you and take care of your little girl....If he doesn't shape up then just remember she's always your little girl and that's all that matters.!!! counseling seems like your best option!!

I am 34 and he is 63. Believe me, I'm no wallflower, as he probably would have hoped. I do not go quietly in the night. I have told him that she is OUR responsibility a thousand times and not just mine but he doesn't want to hear it! If he does remarkable watch her for 5-10 minutes, the moment she gets fussy he calls me. He doesn't have coping skills...he doesn't know how to soothe/calm her, forget about disciplining...

I am painting a bad picture of him and I don't mean to be...he loves her conditionally, but it's become obvious that what I really need is someone who takes an active role in parenting...

I definatly think he loves her more than anything... Unfortunatly he was brought up differently and raised his other kids differently.. Now it's different.. its no longer Just the Mothers responsibility.... but I am sure you guys will figure it out.... as I said before... Your daughter no matter what will be loved and cared for....You are her mother... and she loves you for that!!! :)

I think that whether the two of you work it out or not, you need to take care of the babys needs first, then yours... if you need to go to bed at 9:30 then go! i know he must have many good qualities, or you wouldnt have married him to begin with, but if you dont work out a compromise between parenting and a career, you will be exhausted, and if he isnt part of that compromise, you will also be resentful. something has to give, and it sounds like you are already doing all the giving you can handle.

Resentment has already kicked in! I have thought about leaving him a number of times even during my pregnancy...but I can't seem to get my hands around it...see...I'm also living 100+ miles from home/family/friends, and so I don't have much support around me. If I left, I'd have to start ALL over and it's scarey.

But you're right...the baby is first and foremost...and now I have to take care of me. I know I should go to counseling, and then maybe he'll see the importance of us going together. I know I won't be able to change him but maybe he'll be able to GROW and learn a different perspective than his 20th century mentality.

How did you cope for 13 years? You were brave to move-on!

Thank you so much for all the replies. I really needed a shoulder to cry on. I posted here over 3 years ago when I was contemplating marrying him. I think this is a wonderful way to "meet" others with similar situations or just receive good advice...

How did i cope? i'm honestly not sure. i did what i had to do to stay alive and halfway sane. i should have left years before i did, but i, too, was afraid of starting over. he finally did something that pushed me over the edge and i realized that it was time to go because the prospect of starting over looked a whole lot better than the prospect of staying with him.

It hasnt been easy.when i left, i was 400 miles from friends or family, and i ended up on a bus going even further away. i have been homeless, jobless, and terrified in the past year, but not everyone goes through that. even with all the obsticles, though, my daughter and i are better off than we ever were with him. i now have a new love, who not only is kind and gentle, but shares ALL the responsibilities, from working two jobs to help pay the bills, to doing dishes and cleaning house when i just dont feel up to it.... he even helps me make parenting decisions with my child, though in the end, it is my decision because she isnt his... things are coming together for me after a year and a half of hell, and i dont regret my decision to leave... i dont think i have had one moment of regret.

i know leaving is scary, and only you can make the decision of whether it is worth it or not, but if you think you would be happier alone, then it is time to go. life is too short to waste too much time on people or things that dont bring you happiness.... now thats not saying that if you have a bad week you should get divorced, but it sounds as if this is a long term situation, and you need to seriously consider whether anything is really likely to change, and if it doesnt, where your life will be in a few years if you stay.

as always, just my opinion, take what you can from it and discard the rest.

Wow - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds really frustrating and exhausting.

I would say it is time to start thinking about YOU. It does sound like you are totally dedicated to your daughter, and that will never change. You have to start thinking about yourself. To be completely underappreciated and nagged at that what you are doing "isn't good enough" is going to wear away at your self-esteem, and it sounds as though it has already started to do that.

I don't think you need to leave your husband to start that process - that will put even more stress on you. Unless he is abusive in some way (and it doesn't sound that way), I would say stick it out. But the KEY is to NOT TRY TO CHANGE HIM. You have no control over what he does. The key is to build yourself up. Do you have friends you can share these frustrations with? Are there other moms you can share ideas with? There are wonderful self-help books out there that have helped me with personal issues like this.

I think you have to accept the fact that he is not going to help and basically behave as though you are a single mom. It is the hardest thing in the world to do - it is completely unfair, but that seems to be the hand you have been dealt. If you can discover strength and love of yourself and get a handle on how your life is as a "single mom", then you can make a decision about how the marriage is going to go forward or not go forward.

I was in a relationship for 3 years with someone who was judgemental about everything I did: the way I cleaned, the way I brushed my teeth, etc. What I figured out with him was that the stronger I got, the more he was fascinated by me and the more he left me alone about the little things. He mostly didn't like it that I was insecure. Now I'm NOT saying that you should work on yourself to please him. But I think it is possible that if you become stronger in yourself, he may forget about all the little things (like vacuuming once a week. GET OVER YOURSELF, DUDE!)

I wish you the best of luck. We are always here to be supportive.

This is all so intense!
I want to know what the heck is goin' on in your husbands head? Does he have other children? Maybe he's just tired of raising kids and is looking at everything in the totally wrong perspective. At any rate...THERE IS NO EXCUSE! I say to seek out personal therapy - if you can, get him to attend couples therapy, that would be great...but from what I read, it doesn't sound like it will happen. Do what's best for you and you child. This can't be a healthy environment for your baby. :(

Best of luck...keep us posted

I know...it all sounds crazy. He's the oldest of 4 children...born in the 40s, only son, his mother did everything for him, favored him, his former wife was from what I understand very dutiful and sacrificed herself for her family. He has one older daughter, my age...he's just set in his ways and there's no changing him. I'm not even trying to...but what I would love is for him to open his eyes to the 21st century. I fooled myself thinking that I could do it all myself...WRONG. I would love for us to attend marriage counseling, but he doesn't want any part of it. I don't think the baby has witnessed us bickering...and we try very hard to be "good" but it's forced.

No need to worry about my self-esteem...it is in perfect tact. I've never had a self-esteem problem. I am confident and strong. I know I am a good mother and I'm good at what I do professionally, I just can't seem to get this marriage thing right. I do as much as I can, and that's it. I have to be true to myself. My husband would constantly criticize everything I do, but he has tired of it because it doesn't work...he will complain from time to time but in one ear, out the other. It's like...choose your battles...not everything is worth fussing over...maybe that's my problem, I don't fuss enough at his crap.

I have said myself that I basically need to think like a single mother but it's sad that I have to. I have really good girlfriends but tend not to shed too much light on my marriage for fear they will begin to dislike him. I've opened up to my mother a little but she doesn't seem to want to give advice. She just listened. My co-workers and I share stories but that's all it is, swapping one bad story for the other...venting.

For me to be posting here means...I'm at the end of my rope, and just need advice from folks who understand the "complexities" of an age-gap relationship.

From what I see is that you do have a great head on your shoulders.. and unfortunatly sometimes in these relationships the Older party is a little more set in their ways... My husband is... even though he is very open at times... sometimes you can tell we are from different generations... where I want to save save save money and he wants to spend spend spend.....

The one thing you know is that you can't change him... maybe he can work at making things easier.. but you'll never know until you talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel.. because if you don't and your waiting for a sudden change you maybe in for a rude awakening..... Let him know.. and if he is set.. then ask yourself are you willing to accept that and take it how it is or do you want something different.... I don't want to say the relationship isn't worth it because you obviously love each other ..... However he is set in is ways and the one thing about these relationships is that sometimes you have to accept the flaws etc.....

I know I keep saying this... but as long as your baby is taken care of then Your in a great place and he does love her... he is just not a nurturer....maybe he's scared or doesn't know how.... but it seems like he's a creature of habit and definatly set in his ways... :)

I don't think this problem stems from an age related issue at all. It sounds to me like your husband was brought up a certain way and is in no way going to listen to reason. There are plenty of Older Men out there with younger wives that have children together...and they play a parent role. Why on Earth would he want his child to grow up minus a father? Not literally of course...but it's like having a father....but he's never really there. Does that make sense? It would be a terrible way to grow up....what happened to your husbands Dad?

He plays a limited active role. He does take her to daycare in the morning, he will pick her up from daycare if I need a few more minutes at work and he will feed her occassionally...he just has a hard time with one on one with her over 10 minutes! :rolleyes: He is just not a nurturer, as MerALove23 says.

My husband's parents were married for a very long time, and apparently were in a very strong relationship. They have since passed on now. I've asked him what role his father played and he has not answered that question. My sister-in-laws say he was a very loving man, did everything he could for his children. But, did he change diapers? I'm not sure. I doubt it.

It could also be that our daughter is a little too young for him to "handle". He has a 3 year old grand-daughter who he will drop everything for if his daughter asks him. But I think it wasn't until she was 2 that he felt comfortable enough to watch by himself.

If he is that good with his grand daughter, then it may well be that he is not comfortable with young babies. i know it is hard, but maybe you should give him some time and see if things change as your daughter grows older.

Amina, I love your attitude. :D Believe me, it's crazy but you do what you have to do, ya know? My husband is retired but he does have responsibilities that take him away from home daily...member of numerous community organizations, bank boards, etc...not to mention running a farm. So, it's "understandable" in a sense to have daycare, and I'm honestly happy we do. Victoria LOVES her school, and being around the other children.

I do you feel you on the lack of praise a mother receives...it is a completely THANKLESS job and I have grown resentful because of that fact. When he cooks dinner, I say thank you...when I cook dinner...it's my duty. Needless to say, I don't say thank you anymore. It's a bad attitude to have and I always try to take the higher road, but how high do you go?

He has been steadfast in his 20th century beliefs and it has been difficult for me to handle. But regardless of how he has treated me in the past/present, he does love his little girl.

Marksangel is probably right. In time he will feel more comfortable with Victoria but there are other issues.

I've chosen to discuss the parenting issue for this forum because it is one that has really took a toll on me as of late (especially the fatigue and lack of understanding). There are other issues between us that have developed or rather come to surface over the 3 years of our marriage that just DIDN'T exist while we dated (for 4 years prior to marrying).

I honestly feel we both were in a bad place when we met (terribly lonely) and we both wanted to be loved and cherished and agreeable, and everything made peachy in the others world...and we did that when we dated. Now, reality has set in, and we both are seeing the others perceived "flaws". And, it hasn't been pretty.

Well MA does make a good point...maybe he is just not too comfortable around small/younger children. Possibly because they are very fragile and delicate. I say give it some time too....I hope it all works for you!

My first husband was 22 years older than me and we had a child together. I convinced myself that I could do it all because I knew he wouldn't be much help. That was a huge mistake. Whyen the marriage fell apart (for many reasons, not just lack of fathering), it was practicaly the end of his relationship with his son. Eventually he released his rights to allow my second husband to adopt. I have to wonder if your husband will be involved with your daughter if you split. If that's the case, what does that say about him as a man?

My second husband, although not exactly like your husband, had his problems, too. The one thing I didn't do well enough, was tell him just how far he was pushing me. I told him that what he was doing was the very thing that would break us up, but I was always kind, loving and understanding, so it didn't sink in as a real problem. I needed to hit him over the head with my misery. I don't beleive it would have saved us, but maybe it could save you. Maybe you need to be crystal clear with your husband. Tell him that you are considering leaving. If you can't live with him the way he is then what do you have to lose? Starting over is scary and a lot of work. I know. I've done it a few times now. I'm currently living in an eight room townhouse that I can barely afford with only minimal furniture. If it wasn't for my OM, I would have only half of what I do. But either way, I would take being alone and happy with my children, over being married and miserable, regardless of money or anything else. Be bold, be blunt. Use your strength to lay it on the line. Tackle the problem and don't let it live on the fence. If you do, you will eventually grow to resent and even despise your husband. Fix it or forget it now before it's too late.

After re-reading my reply I'm concerned that I sounded very pushy. I guess I'm tired of the bull. Two husbands, three children, all the starting over, money problems, stress....

Take care of you and the baby no matter what that means. Do what you can to save your marriage if it's worth saving, but not at the expense of self. There's a difference between compromise and sacrifice. Marriage is compromise. Sacrifice is what you do to give your children everything.

Best of luck. This is one of the hardest things to deal with. I hope you can figure it all out. You sound smart and strong. I'm sure you'll do what's right for you and the baby.

I'm a little late to this party but I couldn't resist throwing in my hat.

Unfortunately, some people are more adaptable than others.

Anyone who has raised children knows that there are some traits that appear to develop prior to birth (like height,personality and ect...some aspects of the being are impossible to change. The person can utilize things to make them appear as if they have adapted but the truth is always there).

We should not look at the era that the person was born into nor the upbringing as the prime factors related to who the person has become.

You talked about your knowledge about who he has become and what he has done throughout three-quarters of his life.
If you attempt to force him or allow him to become something or someone that he is not, you are sadly doomed to failure.

Do you really want someone to be that which you believed them to be?

If they were never trully the person that you think that you wanted them to be and they change, will that trully please you? Or,will you feel sadness for the loss of the person that you had from the beginning?

Living is frustrating and confusing.

It would appear that you never really knew this person before commiting your life to each other.

We have a way of not seeing that which is obvious.

I would have to assume that neither of you actually changed. Unfortunately, the situations that are a part of living together has illuiminated those negative behaviours that were always there.

Yes, you always have the right to choose to be a single parent.
Yes, you always have the right to seek something "better".
But, is there really something better out there?

If someone is being physically and/or emotionally abusive, I would say: "Get the heck out of there!" But, far too often we fail to fully work on the problems and ourselves.

We fail to realize that we are forever evolving and that which we believed that we wanted to fix last month has changed.

We also have a bad habit of comparing the bahaviour of one person with that of another.

No two people (even twins) are exactly alike. We are all a myriad of complex behaviours. We are all the product of nature, nurture and everything that we have been individually exposed to. We are all unique.

Sometimes, we view another's uniqueness with awe and wonder. Sometimes, we view another's uniqueness with disdain.

The irony is that the individual is both awe inspiring and disdainful at the same time. The only difference is in he/she who is doing the interpreting, when it is being done and under what circumstances?



Regarding parenting issues.

Strange as it may seem, some people are better parents to children at different stages of develpment.

Parenting is "On the Job Training".

You are always beginning a new chapter in your book on parenting. All children make different demands as they grow.

We are interesting creatures.

Many of us gather great pleasure from restoring things to their "original condition" but utterly detest the idea of putting the same extensive time and effort into keeping that which we already have "in mint condition".

Our inability to fully appreciate the fluidity of our expectations is one of several cancers that devour relationships.

Towards the end of my marriage, I had to take my kids to the babysitter while my X was at home DRUNK.

Hey there VM...
Im sorry to hear of what youre going thru. I can feel your pain in the words you type.
To me, it seems as if your husband is acting like your child's grandfather.
It seems like you are a single mom who's moved back in with her father....he's there for the bare minimum because he lives there and thats it.
Maybe Im being too simplistic with that, but as I read thru the thread, it just struck me that he's acting like Grampa.
He's Daddy and I think the day will come when he regrets not BEING Daddy!!

As your child gets older, she wont need her diapers changed, but she will need both parents to be involved as much as possible, wether you stay married or not. Kids needs are always changing and parents adapt because they have to. Fussing at 5 and fussing at 10 and fussing as a teen are all different...he cant just call you and leave the room!

I agree with tactfully but truthfully letting your husband know what your world is like for you, and how you see your options. Dont sugar coat the facts, lay them out. I hope that reality will hit and he'll shape up because I know you do love him.
Good luck with it, you and your child deserve love and happiness and a less conflicted atmosphere. (((HUGS)))

BTW, Amina I loved your post!!! Great attitude :D