I need your help...don´t know what to do...

Dear friends,

First of all I´d like to introduce myself. I´m a 27 year old swedish woman that lives outside Gothenburg. (Excuse me if my english aren´t that good). I´m currently married to a 39 year old man but my problem are my feelings for a 44 year old man that I met almost then years ago when I was 18 years old (he 35 years old).
My lovelife had had it´s up and downs and during some relationships I´ve always had my 44 year old, let´s call him George in my thoughts. Even though I´m married I can´t get over him. You see, we started out as friends in 1995..after 4 years, in 1999 when I lived in Stockholm I wrote George a letter to tell my feelings for him. His respond was that he was afraid to get involved in a relationship because he depends to much on his freedom. He told me that he loved me as a friend and wanted us to continue as friends. The problem is that there are more feelings between us than just friends. The way he looks at me..oh my god. He played the organ at my wedding and I have discovered that he cried during the cermony. He also told some guests that he likes me a lot. In april we went to a dinner together and he started to talk about agegaps in relationships. I rfound out that someone must have told him that the agegap is to big (17 yrs). I´m so sad...just don´t know what to do. I lov emy husband but our bondage can never be as deep as the one that I have with George. I feel so unhappy and the times that I sepnd with George are the ones I treasure the most.
How will I carry on...should I have a long talk with him??? I´m so afraid that I might lose him...he´s so sweet. Sometimes I feel cursed to have met him and at other times I feel that I´ve seen heaven spending time with him. Can someone please tell me what to do or give me any advice...I´m so lost without my George...sorry If this thread is a mess...can´t collect my thoughts in a proper way..talk to u all soon.

Take care.

XXXX

//Sara in Gothenburg

Hi sara and welcome to ageless...

However your age difference for either one isn't the issue here.. the issue is your married and have feelings for another man!! If you love this other man thats fine but You need to reslove your issues with your husband... do you love your husband? do you want to spend the rest of your life with your husband? Can you see yourself with Only your husband? these are the questions you need to ask... If you don't love your husband the way a wife should maybe you should consider separation.... However this other guy should be a non issue until your marriage is settled first.. CHEATING is NOT an option.. and right now your lying to your husband because your thoughts are not only for him.... Even if this other guy doesn't want to pursue anything with you.. ask yourself is it really fair to have your husband settle for someone who doesn't love him? thats not fair to hiim or you.... I think you need to worry about you and your husband and after a separation and divorce should you even CONSIDER someone else...

Sorry if this isn't want you wanted to hear.. but I'm a married woman .. I am 29 and my husband is 46 and I love him very deeply and I would never settle for anything less than what I am getting.... If in fact he didnt love me it would hurt but I'd rather know!!!

You've just posted my biggest fear. I don't know how you are going through with all this! My fear is to find someone, love them, marry them...then still have that lingering feeling for D. I'd hate to go through life like that....but read Mer's post again...she makes lots of sense.

What a painful situation to be in. I'm so sorry. I fell out of love with my husband before I met my OM, but didn't leave before I started really falling for my OM. What a mistake! It hurt my exhusband quite a bit and confused him. He thought that I left him for another man - which I didn't.

You need to make sure you know where you stand in your current marriage. You can't make any decisions about your marriage based on your feelings for George. Not only would that be unfair to your husband, but to yourself and George as well. And what if George and you don't happen? How will you feel that you gave up your husband for a man that didn't work out? You say that you love your husband, I said that, too. But once I got a grasp on my feelings, I realized that it was easy to form a relationship before I got out of my marriage because I wasn't really happy in my marriage. Love is a tricky thing. There are so many forms and stages of love. The love you have for your husband may not be the kind of love a wife has for his husband. Or maybe you're too clouded by George to even realize how great your husband is. Why did you get married? It sounds like you were in love with George since then! What a conundrum.

I think asking yourself all these questions is a great place to start sorting things out. I've found that keeping a journal of my thoughts and daily events has really helped. I've looked back at the entries throughout my marriage and was able to confirm that I was unhappy LONG before I met my OM. Hopefully you can make sense of everything, too. Good luck, hon.

I agree that you need to face all the issues that you and your husband have first. When you bring in another person, whether that is the reason for the break-up or not, it always becomes the reason. It is a lot easier to throw stones at the other person when you are cheating, but if you discuss it with him (without a third party involved) he can't exactly hide behind anything, or say it is all your fault. But honesty is where it is all at. Lying spares no ones feelings. I have always said that if my ex would have broken up with me before he cheated, I would have been able to handle it better than being so disrespected by him cheating on me. Till the day I die, I think that talking is the key. Try to do what you can for your marriage, couples therapy. Before you start focusing on what to do about George, you have to decide what to do about your marriage, and that should pave the way for your decision on George. I think that everyone has been in a perdicament like this, and it is never easy. Just pray that you make the right decision for everyone involved.