YM with a long complex Karenina tale

I am a 25-year-old New Yorker and 5 years ago I met my girl. She was married at the time with a 2-year-old son and in a bad relationship. We met at a party for her husband's sister. I gave her my number and she pursued me.

We began an affair. Her husband found out. She left me, and then within a year was seperated from her husband and began calling me again. We resumed, and have been together for 4 years.

She's now 38 to my 25. Incredibly, devastatingly beautiful. Smart. Kind. Caring.

She's always wanted me to marry her and have a child with her. In reality, marrying her would be difficult, because she has a very substantial alimony stream from her husband that disappears if we marry or co-habit. Over a million dollars. And she needs that to pay the mortgage on her home.

I have a good deal of family money, and earn a fine living, but I'm not yet set in my career (a high-profile, risky field), and although I'm on the verge of some real breakthroughs, I'm not yet in a comfortable situation.

I've always told her that I thought we'd never be married or have children because of the age gap. In the last 6 months I found myself thinking twice about this. I've dated other girls during the relationship, not seriously, but I've been looking for other people. So many of the girls I meet are just idiots. Well, I do live in Manhattan where many stupid people reside, but nonetheless, my girl has something special I don't see in these others. And I know she's devoted to me and wants to be with me forever. And although I feel at 25 I'm not yet ready for a child, perhaps with the aid of medical technology we could wait a few more years and use IVF or a surrogate to have children. I don't really want to have children till I'm about 35, but maybe I could compromise and do it 5 or 6 years early.

This weekend she disappeared for five days. After calling her mother, etc. no one knew where she was. Finally she called me monday morning. She had gone away with another man. I'd heard about this guy before but as a friend. He's not a suitable replacement for me, is 47, has a cocaine problem, still getting divorced, doesn't want kids, etc. However, she told me that she slept with him on the trip to a wedding they want to. She also told me that she slept with him once before with another girl (whom I've met, a moron, but somewhat attractive).

She says it was a terrible mistake (called me 50 times, wrote 10 page apology email) and she's desperate to be with me, will marry me, will do anything I want, will never do anything like this again. She says she's never been with anyone else before and didn't like it and doesn't like this guy. I told her it was over and we can't see each other anymore.

My interpretation of her behavior is that she wanted to force me to make a decision: either to be with her out of jealousy, or to be so hurt that I couldn't stay with her and therefore she wouldn't have to break up with me. She says she didn't have these thoughts conciously and was just caught up in a mentally ill frenzy.

I don't even really care that she was with the other guy. I've slept with other women during the course of the relationship. Not a lot, but it's not something that really bothers me. What bothers me is I guess that she tried to hurt me to provoke a response. But I completely understand why she did it and I'm not really even mad (well, maybe about her disappearing and not calling, and I always told her if she wanted to cheat I wanted her to lie about it.)

I think the main issue is the kids. We could probably work out the financial stuff, although she'd make a big immediate sacrifice to be with me, although we'd be fine. I just don't know if I can committ to having kids with her in 2 or 3 years. What if that time comes and I just can't do it. And then she's blown her shot for another life with someone else?

All logic tells me we should end this. And I should be strong and move on. But I do love her very deeply and I know she's a special, special girl.

Any views?

"All logic tells me we should end this."

Follow the logic.

Peace,
thatgirl

Ditto to thatgirl's wisdom. I don't want to sound offensive, but....neither of you sound emotionally healthy.

Gillian

Why have you slept with other women while in a relationship with this lady? How long ago was it.? So it was ok for her to sleep around as long as she lied about it?

I would be willing to bet that her sleeping around was some agressive behavior toward you, to get a response from you.

If you have to ask... then it certainly means you aren't ready to marry, that is for sure.

I don't know.... maybe couples counseling, otherwise end it. My 2 cents..

Originally posted by thatgirl
"All logic tells me we should end this."

Follow the logic.

Peace,
thatgirl

Originally posted by Gillian
Ditto to thatgirl's wisdom. I don't want to sound offensive, but....neither of you sound emotionally healthy.

Gillian


Concured! 'NUFF SAID!

Originally posted by ngza
My interpretation of her behavior is that she wanted to force me to make a decision: either to be with her out of jealousy, or to be so hurt that I couldn't stay with her and therefore she wouldn't have to break up with me.


I guess I have to ask how do you know for sure that's the reason? After all, this is a woman who was unfaithful while married to her husband? How do you know that she was trying to force your hand as opposed to just being unfaithful?

I agree with the others that healthy relationships do not consist of both parties being secretly unfaithful with other people. It seems that you both would benefit from some couples counseling to guide you into making the right decision. Otherwise, it's possible that the two of you could marry, have a child, and then the child may eventually have to endure a divorce of a marriage that maybe shouldn't have taken place in the first place.

I know you must be torn, though. It's such a tough decision to make when you love and care for someone, but you are not ready for a child.

So, again, I agree with the suggestion of couples counseling. You need an objective third party to help you sort things out.

Good luck to you.

i really try to be kind...... but no matter how hot this woman is, her sence of judgement is very questionable.

what is her deep need to bring another child into the world? why would you attempt this? knowing that the behavior that you described would deeply ADVERSELY effect the life of an innocent baby. YOUR BABY. Is this how you would want to be treated as a child, or do you think your love and baby will cure her of her broken heart? Any woman who would use a baby as an excuse for love, relationship is not on solid ground.

shes hot, rich, and beautiful and very sweet, nice. the first four i will go along with.....

nice is as nice does, what you decribed was selfish and unstable.

take time to find out what NICE is, it is not superficial. THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHO YOU WOULD WANT FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. we are entitled to our mistakes but this is a big one in the making and i dont like assuming anyones relationship, but man the red flags are blowing.

Guyz .... I thought we had this long talk about not jumping all over new posters (smile).

It seems to me that the poster is saying that the infidelities on both of their parts isn't really the point here and that they more or less have an open relationship. And if they are both OK with that, then I don't see any reason why that should be the issue.

What the issue seems to be is children, and you, Mr. original poster, need to figure out if it's more important to be with her or more important to live life on your preferred schedule. It's sounding like you aren't really going to be able to have both.

Lots of couples don't have children and are just fine, but it's sounding like she really wants a child. So the issue is whether you really want her, as she is, a person who wants to have a child.

There's nothing to indicate that if you did leave her that she would necessarily meet someone else, or that that someone else wouldn't be infertile or equally disinterested in having children.
And there's nothing to indicate that the next woman that you meet won't also want to have a child. Passing on this doesn't automatically bring the desired outcome.

So how much do both of you want to be together?

You said something about being strong.

Sometimes it can take more strength to stay than it does to leave.

Just something to keep in mind.

(And I say this as a happily partnered and childless woman who intends to stay that way. I don't have baby fever.
But you're in a relationship with someone who does).