The end of a Dream.... [Archive] - Ageless Love - Your community for age gap relationship support!

First Love

09-28-2004, 07:50 PM

Thank you everyone for the kind words.

I am so very hurt but to be honest he spent most of the day here and he was crying most of that day. As hurt as I am, I felt so badly for him because he knows how good he had it. He knows I gave him everying and he claims that it is enough except that yes...

everyone around him thinks he needs to live the college life, and see other people, and his friends are saying that they don't want to be around him anymore because of his relationship with me. Mind you these are people that have never met me, they just think its sick that he's in this relationship with an older woman with a son. He must be desperate or something. They think it shows his lack of character or some **** like that...

He has always had his friends and being in baseball his team members are family too, and well they are all turning their backs on him -- because they are all single and just want him to go out partying all the time and well he wasn't doing that. I guess he's ready to now.

His parents were going to help with college like they did with his brother but because he was in a relationship with me, they put the noose on him and he was working but not enough to pay his portion and I know that was eating away at him.

If I had done something like be dominating, or stupid, or greedy, or evil, or anything ??? I would be able to work on that quality that I so obviously lacked..it seems like that would make it easier to understand this and to put it behind me But how do you work on your age?

I am how old that I am.
He is how old that he is.

Apparently that is the ONLY way we are not compatible.

It just hurts... Yesterday he loved me, and today he left me.
WhamBamThankUMa'am

Genevieve

09-28-2004, 08:02 PM

Oh Gina.. I am so sorry. I've been here trying to think of words for you. There are none. Please know that we are thinking of you. Reading your posts, my heart feels it too. Sending prayers, love, and hugs.

Gen

The Shadow

09-28-2004, 08:03 PM

First Love
(((((((((HUGS))))))))
Words fell me on what or how to say it.All can think of is....Im so very sorry.Your in my prayers as well.We're all here for you....

The Shadow

First Love

09-28-2004, 09:28 PM

Thank you again everyone! I appreciate the sentiments.

Even if he came back, I don't think I would allow it. He does have unanswered questions, and until he lives the life of the college boy he will never know what he was "missing" and I couldn't bare to be with him a couple more years to have him do this again because he never found out, you know?

I really REALLY really love him sooooo much I am sick. I told him when we first met and were falling in love that he must have been sent here to pay me back for some evildoings from the past, when I hurt people...

I think I said "WHO SENT YOU??? I NEED TO KNOW WHO YOUR MASTER IS..." at the time, he thought it was kind of funny, but I think deep down buried real deep I think I knew that he was going to be the first man I've ever love and that he was going to rip my heart out. The odd thing is that he didn't really want to do this and he was hurting something fierce...

How can I be angry at someone who loves me and who is just as hurt as I am????

I want to be angry so I can displace some of this sickness in the pit of my stomach but I love him, and I want him, and so I have to just accept that our love was not meant to be at this point and neither of us is to blame...

We had sex early this morning and it was sweet and tender and soft and nice and I had no idea it was our goodbye sex. I had no idea what he was about to do. I feel so stupid.

I am thinking about moving to Indiana to be with my family. I haven't had them in almost 16 years...I have been here in Oregon all alone this whole time. Stephens dad is 2 hours from here and I know he would be so sad to hear me say I'm moving but he has another child on the way and I think given that Stephen is almost in high school that he would accept what I need to do. Stephen on the other hand, doesn't want to leave here, and I respect that except there is nothing for me here...

I have 7 job interviews in the next 2 weeks and although they are FANTASTIC jobs, I would ditch those, move to Indiana, and find a lower paying job there just so that I had some people there that loved me, and so that I could rebuild myself around family for a change...

Change of scenery, change of influences, an opportunity to heal and I think Stephen and I would do fine there once he made friends...

I'm just shaking my head at how quickly ones life can get turned upside down. I never in a million years expected this ....

MOON

09-28-2004, 09:28 PM

{{{{{first love}}}}}

I am so sorry and so shocked. I know we don't interact much, but your posts have always shown a lot of love and happiness in your relationship.

I am with SomeNight in that I hope (for the two of you) that this is a "If you love him, let him go" situation.

I have felt a lot of the same pressure that I think Matt is feeling right now and it is HORRIBLE. It also overwhelmed me to the point that I broke down and left G. But in time I realized how important our relationship is and now we are back together and I am trying to ignore the pressure. If your love is as strong as it seems to be, I can't imagine that Matt will stay away for too long.

Stay strong.

whiterose

09-28-2004, 09:38 PM

Gina, please don't make any decisions about moving while you are so deeply upset. Please wait and give yourself some time to process all that has happened today.

First Love

09-28-2004, 09:40 PM

Jays love:
It's just not fair, is it?

*NO ITS NOT!!!

__________________

Birdlady: "Although mine ended I really loved to see how yours panned out."

*I'm glad to see I was inspirational, boy I sure did think I was sitting on top of the world. Matt was everything I ever wanted and hoped for. I still have the tape of when we did the Newsshow in Seattle about Age Gap Relationships. Matt took a copy with him today. As I watched it again, at one point he looked into the camera and he said "She is the one for me" in response to those questioning our relationship. I know he meant that too, that's what is so sickening. ...ohhhhhh i am soo sad.

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SomeNightSW:
Noone can take away those memories but in my head right this moment in my grief I keep seeing NOONE else for me. So I'll just wallow in my pity for a while and hang on to everything that was so wonderful about us and pray for a better day to come, when my head doesn't hurt and my stomach isn't sick.

_________________

Thatgirl/Sciencegoddess /RavenGlow /Joe /
Patricia /GreeneyedGirl /Genevieve /Shadow/:

Keep me in your prayers!

______________

Babes:
He let this get to him because he's young, and the pressure he was facing was immense. I told him tonight that he just wasn't up to the challenge, he wasn't strong enough to stand up to everyone he knows. He comes from a close family and his team and friends were very important to him. They just want whats best for him, and apparently that's not me. "GET OUT NOW while you still can have a life..." I think is the feeling. What's sad is that they will probably have a sense that they were right all along and this will reinforce their belief that it was all wrong when all they actually did was break up two people who were very much in love. They destroyed our relationship and they'll feel all self righteous about it.

__________________

Nessa: "It's hard I know but if you love him you know you have to let him go and figure this out for himself."

*Sad but true... but since I'm in company I trust can I tell everyone that I would do ANYTHING to get him back, even though I know its wrong... I so want him back!!!!!! I know I should be understanding that he needs to find his way but I want to shrink him and put him in my pocket and hold him closer than ever before now that I can't and never will be able to again.

First Love

09-28-2004, 09:42 PM

I have felt a lot of the same pressure that I think Matt is feeling right now and it is HORRIBLE. It also overwhelmed me to the point that I broke down and left G. But in time I realized how important our relationship is and now we are back together and I am trying to ignore the pressure.

Moon, could you please refresh me, what is your age and that of your partner. I'm interested to hear your story...

Thank you for the well wishes.

whiterose

09-28-2004, 09:44 PM

Originally posted by First Love
Sad but true... but since I'm in company I trust can I tell everyone that I would do ANYTHING to get him back, even though I know its wrong... I so want him back!!!!!! I know I should be understanding that he needs to find his way but I want to shrink him and put him in my pocket and hold him closer than ever before now that I can't and never will be able to again.

Of course you feel that way, sweetie. You've been crushed today. And you love him. You want things back the way they were this morning when the day began.

We are here for you Gina. Nothing worse than watching the person you love walk away. I know that pain all too well myself.

First Love

09-28-2004, 09:46 PM

Good Advice WhiteRose, I will heed that advice.
It just seems to me that it would be a good time if I wanted to do it before I get entrenched in a job, you know?

I'm going to make some calls tomorrow and just find out what it means for me financially and what I would have to do to make the changes, and I'll rest on it and then start anew.

I really meant it that it is the loss of a dream... I thought I had it! I really felt so secure and yet what was that thread about the rug being pulled out from under you???

tealeaf

09-28-2004, 10:03 PM

I started crying reading your post.
It's so sad. But did I then read you got back together?
If you did, I wish you the best.
I also love a very young guy - 23. It's tough.

Tami

kittylane

09-28-2004, 10:15 PM

my husbands father was so cruel and tryed his best to say ugly things or put ideas in Adam's mind about me or paint a picture of the future that we were going to have.......

so.............. i kept quiet.

i took time to understand my attacker and waited. i saw how Adam was pained by his fathers word's and decided that i was going to do my best not to add to it. I let my feelings out sparingly to how i really felt but i kept a low profile because i knew that his father did not have a say in his son's life at this point that he was acting from his feelings and not Adam's feelings. dare say, now being his wife, i would come close to be-heading ANYONE who screwed with us. i dont want to paint the picture that i am the long suffering wife...i ain't, but i wanted to do what was right by Adam and if his peace of mind would be so adversely effected by the people who loved him before me, it was wise to let the scenerio play out.

my father-in-law was so controlling in the beginning to the tune of being duel co-signer on Adam's bank accounts, reviewing his bank statements and questioning EVERY penney he spent, this was when he first went into the military. Lucky Adam was with a woman he did not need his few cents, his father had very little to complain about in Adam's eyes, because my husband knew that i was more than generous in our times together.

i played it smart and said nothing. believe me i understood my opponent and i was gonna win this war.

being the older one has its advantages, blow hards or people who try to hard to push their opinion on other people usually just wear themselves out or end up regretting their words. this i knew from experience.

i continued to do the right thing by Adam, i put his happiness before my own, not because of stategy, because I love him.

i prayed, i prayed a prayer that went like this, "If it is your will father, that Adam and I be together than i will promise to treat him forever as your precious child, however, if it is Your will that he moves in another direction in his life, then I ask for your blessings for him and most of all His happiness."

In time my husband had enough from the spectators and gave it all back to them "both barrels" needless to say, my husband and I take care of all our personal business now and from the past experience are very reluctant to get outside opinions regarding our personal matters from people who we dont trust, or have their own agenda.

it was mentioned that if you love him, leave him go. i agree but make it an action step, keep your envolvement by praying for his happiness, know what you do is for love, the right kind of love, the kind of love that has the strength to be unselfish. you will feel better for it, you will realize you are doing right by him and then you will have to take a back seat and give it to God and see what comes back. As much as you dont want to hear this right now, you are a precious child also and there is always a greater plan if we continue to do the next right thing.

Please dont despair, despair will only wear you out. I understand your pain, but right now you have to be ok for you and if you can....try turning it over to your higher power and see what He does with this situation. take care and big hugs.

Joe

09-28-2004, 10:26 PM

Originally posted by First Love
Babes:
He let this get to him because he's young, and the pressure he was facing was immense. I told him tonight that he just wasn't up to the challenge, he wasn't strong enough to stand up to everyone he knows. He comes from a close family and his team and friends were very important to him.

CAUTION: Some of y'all won't like what I'm about to say and may feel offended. If that's the case put it on "ignore."

Well, I'm gonna put it bluntly only because I met you face to face and somewhat know you and we're all a family here:

Yes he's young (too young if you ask me but that's just my opinion) and obviously he couldn't face the pressure and wants to do what he wants to without any consideration to how breaking up with you would make you feel.

Right now, as hard as it may feel, you need to try to relax and let some time go by. I know you want him back badly but if he already made his decision to follow what other people say, well then, personally, you need to move on. There needs to be some growing up here and maturing on his part that when you love someone, nothing should stand in the way to break that love apart especially when one thinks, feels or says, "He or she's the one for me." Remember actions speak louder than words and it's a shame that he didn't stand up to it.

We're here for ya' so just take some time for YOURSELF and PRAY. :)

red

09-28-2004, 10:41 PM

I feel sick first love. I am so sorry this happened to you.

It's very unsettling for me to hear, being that my YM is in college right now. So far everyone has been supportive of him and I but you never know when other people's opinons and judgements could interfere with your life. It is not fair in the least.

No one owns him. He should be able to have a free mind of this. He seems to have a lot of pressure around him from people that care about him which has to confuse the hell out of him too.

Anyway, I am so very sorry!!

ScarletHawke

09-28-2004, 11:07 PM

I think everyone else already said what I'd say, Gina.

I'm so, so sorry -- for both of you. He's got some tough decisions to make and I don't envy him in the least. I think some of what Joe said is true, and I pray Matt doesn't make a habit of caving in to pressure from outsiders, or he's going to have a very insecure, lonely life.

And I'm just heartbroken for you. Please take care of yourself. We all care for you very much and we're here for you.

((((HUGS))))

Peachy

09-28-2004, 11:42 PM

Gina, I am so sorry, and I really can't add anything to what has already been said. But as Joe said, we are all family here and we all love you and are hurting with you.

I think Joe is right in that he is still quite young and maybe he needs to just sow his wild oats and get it over with now. I know it's not much consolation to you right now, but it is better he does it now than if you two had gotten married and been together for years and then he decided that he had missed out and wanted to act on that.

I think as he matures he will begin to make his own decisions in life and not succumb as easily to the influence of his friends and what they think. Even tho it has been a loooooooong time since I was 18 [:)] I do still remember that peer pressure is a huge factor and not many 18 year olds want to buck their friends with ideas that their friends consider totally unacceptable. I imagine, as with most people, he will outgrow that trait.

I do believe that if two people are meant to be together, it will work out. I would advise that you don't do anything rash right now. Just continue to live your life (as best as you can when you feel you are breaking inside) and take some time to pamper yourself. You need that and you deserve that. And keep an open mind. It sounds as though he is hurting as much as you right now and maybe your relationship needs some apart time to make him really realize how important you are to him.

Just know that we are all here for you and praying for the both of you.

wildthing

09-29-2004, 12:19 AM

how awfull for you. i wouldn't wish a situation like that on anyone.

coming from a *been there, done that* perspective, it is a very difficult situation. but you do need to really think of yourself first. it hurts like he!!, but you can't wait for him to decide to get enough courage to stand up to the people trying to influence him. i wouldn't do anything too hasty like moving immediately. but you need to keep your options open.

lots of hugs and hopes for a good outcome for you :)

Bella_D

09-29-2004, 12:35 AM

When it comes to our younger partners, sometimes I think its not a bad thing to step in when we see them about to make a really bad mistake.

Joe, I liked what you said, but really, theres no evidence that MAtts decision is anything about wanting to be promiscuous. That sort of assumption is not helpful nor based on reality.

Everything that Gina said in her post points to one thing: Matt has a lot of single male friends and he wants (quite naturally) to feel part of that group. The group is rejecting him (which HURTS!!) and both he and Gina are leaping to conclusion that the whole agegap thing is causing the hurt. Yes, Gina is too, which is not helping. Matt is basically reacting to rejection, leaping to assumptions, and trying to make the pain go away.

Gina, i would urge you consider that Matt's friends are not at all concerned about your agegap (even though they might say so), but are more concerned that Matt is seriosuly partnered while they are not. I would expect that any partner of Matt (at any age) would cause this reaction if they were anything other than a temporary sexual aprtner. Thats how these kinds of groups work....youre `supposed' to use and abuse ladies for sex...the prettier the better......but youre not supposed to place importance on any one in particular. Especially, youre not supposed to become settled and start to look like becomeing a success in life before the rest of the group do.

Where Matt needs some guidance is in recognising envy when it rears its ugly head, and learning the importance of fighting for the things which matter to him. Otherwise he'll always be forfeiting what counts in order to `fit in', and watching people around him soar in life while he is left wondering why he has been left at the bottom of the heap.

Now thats not soemthing any of us would want for our YM. Do you want that for Matt? Because that where hes headed, well and truly. He might think giving up his lover is the answer to all his problems right now, but quite frankly hes making the mistake of the century. Why don't you be the one to tell him?

Peachy

09-29-2004, 12:48 AM

Originally posted by Bella_D
Joe, I liked what you said, but really, theres no evidence that MAtts decision is anything about wanting to be promiscuous. That sort of assumption is not helpful nor based on reality.

Ummm . . . Joe said something about Matt's decision having to do with being promiscuous??? Where did he say that? :confused:

Bella_D

09-29-2004, 12:53 AM

I think Joe is right in that he is still quite young and maybe he needs to just sow his wild oats and get it over with now.

Uh..sorry, did I jusy play chinese whispers? Sorry if I misinterpreted.

Joe I apologise!!

(ps I thought `sow wild oatsreferred to promiscuity)

Jo-Admin

09-29-2004, 01:36 AM

Gina...I just think so highly of you...((hugs)) First and foremost, Im sorry you are going though this.

Second, I want to tell you something. Some of the wonderful ladies from the site that I am friends with.....who are involved with VYM, have been though this. Myself, Toasty and Bella all went through this about the same time...thank god, because it was good to have someone who understood how it feels.

Honey, I don't know if it's some sort of phase with these relationships with vym or not....but it seems to happen in a majority of these relationships. I know that doesn't take away the hurt you are feeling now....but it's important that I tell you this.

There are of course, some exceptions. I have seen a couple great relationships who did not go through this, Marcy and Smiwi for example. And my dear friend Special-K when through this, and things did not turn out the way we had hoped. However, a very good portion of partners in these relationships have gone through this.

James did this more than once the first 2 years we were together. He came back...as did Bella's partner and Toasty's partner.

We have to remember that we are dealing with men who are quite young here, who do not deal with things as you or I might because we have more life experience. You two have been through a lot of changes here lately....and your relationship, like ours, seems very emotionally and sexually connected and....for lack of a better word, intense. It's a lot for a man of that age to handle....the intense feelings, the changes from being a teenager to being a grown-up man, etc. You have to admit, these relationships are a lot different than what they might have with a girlfriend their own age.

We have young men here who are literally jumping into the adult world of working, raising children, and mature romantic relationships.

Most often these men do not have support from their friends or family in these relationships, and they get confused.

Having said all this.....honey, I think he is just confused. He is in pain just as you are.....James did this too.

As difficult as it is...give it a little time. As you said yourself, there wasn't anything wrong with your relationship together, and you were both happy. When he has time to think about things, and step away from the situation to have a look at it...He may have a serious change of heart.

I can't make you any promises, but I have seen this happen quite a few times before, and lived through it myself.

Wait a little bit before making any major decisions....and lets see how things look in a few days time.

If you want to talk, drop me a PM and I would be more than happy to give you my messenger ID or even my phone number.

Im thinking of you and praying for you....and sending you all sorts of positive energy and strength.

Desert Spring

09-29-2004, 04:28 AM

Oh dear. How terrible is this. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It may be temporary, it may not be, but none of that changes the pain that you must be in and I know there's not much anybody can say to make it better. You didn't and don't deserve this and to heck with his pain for now. Concentrate on your own and let his friends take care of him, for the moment.

Please don't move or make any major decisions right away. When you're filled with pain is simply NOT the right time to do that.

Just let yourself feel hurt, betrayed, angry - all of the things you have every right to feel - and sad, too - and don't do anything else till you've done that for a while. When the feelings start to ebb, then the path forward will start to appear.

Whatever happens, may the new path be beautiful and bright.

Manda

09-29-2004, 07:19 AM

I'm so sorry First Love. I know exactly what you are going through. A similar thing happened to me a couple of months ago and I know how terrible it is to lose so much just because of an age gap. But my YM couldn't help thinking that things would be bound to go wrong when we were older (eg. I could retire and he could have another 20 or so years still to work!) and he preferred to finish it now and save himself the grief later. He also was under pressure from family and friends about this and I think they just fed some of his own concerns. But we had over two wonderful years and I feel like you. What a waste when everything was still so good.

I think the important thing here is to realise this is not about you - it is because his mind is not open enough to realise the potential of what he will miss. Console yourself with the thought that he will no doubt regret this at some point in the future and by that time you may have moved on whereas his life will have been restricted by his rigid attitudes.

Anyway take care of yourself and know we are all thinking of you. It takes a lot of time but we'll get there!!
Mx

marcy

09-29-2004, 09:13 AM

Oh Gina!

I was heartsick to read your post and this thread this morning. What an unreal sad thing! I always have a particular interest in the relationships here that include vyp, but I have followed your relationship with very special interest.

Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you, even if it is just an ear or a shoulder. Please feel free to contact me anytime.

I too would recommend you not make any hasty decisions about moving. Its so soon? Relationships with vyp do seem to be more fraught with volatility and that can mean frequent swings in any direction.

It does sound like poor Matt is under enormous pressure and he is trying to relieve that through the only means he knows. I don't know how well I would do under this kind of intense pressure from family, friends, and financial to be honest.

You are in my prayers... both of you.

First Love

09-29-2004, 09:43 AM

Tealeaf... Nope we did not get back together this only happened yesterday morning. I woke up, we were together, I took my son to school and then BAM! he hit me with it when I got back.

Good luck to you in your relationship! I dont want to be bittered because of what my experience has been. You know? It sure can be hard though...

____________

Thank you Kitty for your story and your advice. I will try not to despair even though I am, I will work on it and hope that as the days go by it will get better. So here's the thing, I've been thinking that the problem was that he compartmentalized me. He tells people he has a girlfriend and I dont know if whether at that point he tells them its an age gap or what... but someone I dont know if its that he feels or they feel I wouldn't fit in with their crowd, but he wants to go to parties (why cant I? I brought him to mine?), he wants to get tickets and go to shows and games... am I not invited? He never brought his friends over, I think somehow that he is making this more of an issue by having fears of acceptance, in turn they are NON accepting and he feeds into it, by never introducing us.
With his brother who is in college, we have only met at a "moms house" gathering and so he doesn't really know the real me either. He knows the "I need to impress them and be polite and listen to how to interact" me, and so even he cant possibly give him real advice....he doesnt really know how I interact with Matt.
*I'm just trying to figure it out, but the stem seems to be his inability to tell people that he made his decision and to let me into that part of his life so he doesnt have to be so sectional and always pained about what to do, what to do.
I know how I am at parties, I am not a clinger and I certainly can make friends and have a blast meeting up with him occas. throughout so why would he be sooo afraid to bring me? Yep... fear of reaction!

____________

Red, I hope I didn't scare you too bad. Every body is different and although I felt that I had it all ... that my life was perfect, I guess I sit here realizing it certainly never was and to assume you will have that special someone by your side for always... well maybe not a good idea, even if they promise it! *sigh* It just so happened that in my case, he needed to get out and so he has.

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Scarlet and Joe & Peachy - He has said that he needs to do this for himself to grow, so he is taking some responsiblity for what he did, because I think he realizes he has this weakness, he does give in to others opinions far too easily and I wonder if somehow I wasn't over influencing him without even realizing it myself. *shrugs* All I know is that he is going to be with his friends, he is going to be going to parties, and he is going to meet someone else...

I will not do anything rash I will just try and heal a little bit first and then see how everything plays out.

__________

Thnx Wild for the thoughts!

___________

Bella, I do believe you are onto something. The only friend who is OK with this is Chris and Chris is OK with this because he also has a girlfriend. She is his age, but a girlfriend none the less.
I think for sure that his friends are just reacting because Matt is not at their beck and well if I think about it, his family too just wants him to go through all of lifes stages not be shacked up with some middle aged woman and her kid. I think that they just want him to be "normal" and that comes out as...dont commit so fast, and certainly don't commit to HER.

___________

Jo-- Thank you kindly for the words of wisdom and some historical info. to help me put it into perspective. I dont know what the future holds for us if anything but you know...its 7:30 am here I've been up all night sicker than a dog (which is not good when you've only had 400 calories...after awhile there is nothing else to rid your body of...not a pretty sight) I have an interview in a few hours and I look and feel like hell! I am normally so confident and today I feel like I am going to bomb! Damn... I wish I didnt feel like i am below rock bottom, like someone is playing a cruel joke on me.

I'm going to put my life in order and everything else can come secondarily, but first I need to get it together. And well, today I DO NOT have it together lol

______________

Desert - when will these feelings Ebb? Any words of wisdom there...?

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Kimmy -- Your post was very touching. Thank you so much for the words of advice. You are 100% correct in everything you say. I too saw that special with that man ... I felt so horribly bad for him, even after surgery it was still just so bad, yet he had hope because it was getting better...

What an inspiration.

I just realized do you remember when Matt had trouble with him mom that day we went to the pool for what I thought was supposed to be lunch ... LoL Later that night in front of me and to you he told you he entertained ending it with me to make everyone elses pain disappear as well as his. I was completely shocked, thats the first and only time I have ever heard him say anything like that, and then he further clarified that he decided to live his life..he was going forward with standing up for himself and do what made him happy and then now that he's in college...money, friends, baseball team, cadets etc... all of them putting the squeeze on...just too much for him, and he actually followed through the with the plans he had set forth to you that night in the hotel.

___________________

Manda - Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so very sorry to hear what you went through :( Especially over something that might not even play out the way he imagined it, he was upset over things that didn't even yet occur. That's tough!!!!

________________

Amina... THANK YOU!! You are so right, it did teach me how to love because I did love him unconditionally. I love him with every fiber of my being... I love him so much it hurts... I can love again... and although it doesnt seem like it today, tomorrow is another day...

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Lynn - I understand what you are saying and yes it does seem there are many similarities. I just know with all of my heart that I thought I had the one. I thought we could lick all the odds and be the ones to beat this OW/VYM thing... and well I guess we just couldn't but don't give up hope because each situation is different and maybe you'll be a little wiser than I was.

_____________

Marcy,

I was wondering when I was going to hear from you. I knew how sad you would be to hear this especially because of all the posts we've had together over the past year and how you heard me defending my relationship to the death. At the time that was the right thing to do, but I never expected what was going to happen yesterday. You have no idea how sick I am today. I have been crying for about 20 hours straight and I can't imagine there is one drop of liquid left in my body and yet there always manages to be more.
I didn't want to wake up this morning! Oh wait, I never went to sleep, it was too painful to be in our bed alone... I spent most of my night throwing up and crying....I feel like such a baby and so stupid and every imaginable negative feeling right now...

My heart aches and I can't even take joy in my son right now I'm so hung on my own pain...so selfish. Ahhh man, I now know what it means when someone says they are in such mental turmoil they never want to wake up again!

I have learned something very valuable and once I get past this aching pain that hurts soooooo very bad, maybe I can do something with that lesson...

*sobs*

_____________

marcy

09-29-2004, 10:04 AM

Originally posted by First Love
Marcy,

I was wondering when I was going to hear from you. I knew how sad you would be to hear this especially because of all the posts we've had together over the past year and how you heard me defending my relationship to the death. At the time that was the right thing to do, but I never expected what was going to happen yesterday. You have no idea how sick I am today. I have been crying for about 20 hours straight and I can't imagine there is one drop of liquid left in my body and yet there always manages to be more.
I didn't want to wake up this morning! Oh wait, I never went to sleep, it was too painful to be in our bed alone... I spent most of my night throwing up and crying....I feel like such a baby and so stupid and every imaginable negative feeling right now...

My heart aches and I can't even take joy in my son right now I'm so hung on my own pain...so selfish. Ahhh man, I now know what it means when someone says they are in such mental turmoil they never want to wake up again!

I have learned something very valuable and once I get past this aching pain that hurts soooooo very bad, maybe I can do something with that lesson...

*sobs*

Dear Gina,

Defending your relationship was the right thing to do. We never know what our next minute will really, truly bring. All we can do is have faith in the things we believe and find joy in them while we can. Any relationship can end. Does that in itself make it not worthwhile to have? You have said that Matt is the first man you ever really loved. It seems to me that for even this reason alone, your time was not wasted. True heartbreak and true love are sadly sides of the same coin.

You are a beautiful, strong, independent woman. You have loved this man unselfishly and have nothing to be ashamed of. It is sad that we cannot lend those we love some of that inner strength to assist them in their struggles.

What are the lessons here? Maybe the lesson here is that you are capable of incredible love from the depths of your soul and that you should not settle for relationships that do not inspire you to that emotion.

God bless you Gina. You are not alone. A little self-indulgence here is well deserved baby.

marcy

09-29-2004, 10:43 AM

Originally posted by babes66
I would say this to ALL women involved with YM, if he won't let you into every part of his life, then he doesn't deserve to be in yours.

Such excellent advice it deserves to be said twice. Trust me, I know that with a vyp it is likely EVEN harder to do... for the older partner and the younger partner... but the truth really is that if you both cannot do this... then likely trouble is ahead. We make our relationships more real and give them the respect they deserve from ourselves when we put them out there.

1love

09-29-2004, 10:43 AM

(((Gina)))

I'm so sad reading this thread... this is such a terrible shock. We never do know what will come from one day to the next. You are such a beautiful person and I wish you every comfort through your sorrow.

I feel bad for both of you. You are both hurting and is seems so unfair. The truth is, Matt just has some growing to do and others, like Jody, have been through this before and have came out with their relationship intact. I don't think you should give up on this relationship. You must move forward and live your life, just give it some time. Time will tell, as the old cliche' goes, but it is so true.

love ya!

Melisa

Dan_Shues

09-29-2004, 10:55 AM

Gina...

I'm so very sorry. You are a very bright and beautiful person and I know you have a heart of gold...that is truly deserving of a love that lasts forever...

I know how it is to have to make a post that you never thought you would ever have to make. It is surreal and you feel like you aren't really the one typing the message out...

Allow yourself the time to heal. Do not jump into anything. Allow yourself that "me" time...allow yourself time to process the emotions, the thoughts, the feelings...

And please just go on being yourself. Because there is nothing wrong with the Gina that we have all come to know, love and care about. And she is the one that deserves all the love and happiness...

*Hugs*

~Dan

Bella

09-29-2004, 06:18 PM

Gina, I read your post early this morning but didn't have time to reply. I've been thinking about you all day at work. I am so so sorry this happened. Nothing can help, I know, it just completely sucks.
I know when David threw his bombshell at me, all I could think of was "no, it hasn't been enough time yet"
Listen to every word Lynn said. I know you can't be mad at him yet, it is just too fresh and raw, but when the time comes, the anger will help. It's much more liberating to be angry than hurt.
He's going to miss you too, and he needs to really miss you, to make sure he's not messing up by leaving.
For me, it was all or nothing. I couldn't be friends, it would have hurt to badly.
I also wasn't going to make it easy on him by letting him wean himself from me slowly. He wanted me, he wanted me, if he didn't then he wasn't going to have me part way. For some that is doable, it would have killed me.
I don't know what to tell you, if he's away from you, maybe he will see what he's missing, and grow up enough to know what's important. Maybe he won't.
Either way, you take care of you, and don't sacrifice yourself for him.
Don't make any rash decisions right now. I know when you're hurting this bad all you can think of is making it stop. If you truly want to move, then that's one thing, but don't make life altering decisions just to try to end the pain.
Hugs, I wish there was something I could do to make it better faster.

christina923

09-29-2004, 06:48 PM

((( Gina )))

charo

09-29-2004, 06:51 PM

I have nothing to add to the wisdom the "family" here has already given, but Im very sorry also, that you are going through this. I do hope the advice helps, and I hope although your hurting right now, you can at least be comforted in knowing we all care. BIG HUGS :D

First Love

09-29-2004, 07:40 PM

Oh guess who just called asking if he could come over and talk to me?

...I am still so very sick, turns out he has whatever it is I have since I'm sneezing and sniffly and what not.

I told him he could come over to MY house for an hour and we'll see what he has to say.

... *sigh*

PS: know how I was so uptight about that interview? It went really really well problem is, is that I was clearly overqualified as I had more experience in that industry than the hiring manager, and I would be working under him...

I don't think I will be taking that one, but we'll see ;)

Kristin

09-29-2004, 09:56 PM

Gina,

I haven't posted because I was holding my breath hoping that Matt would come to his senses. I have repeated many of your posts to Jeremy because I think you're so cool and what you had was so real. When I told him what happened, he was as surprised as I was. I couldn't form an opinion, but Jeremy agreed with Babes:Get mad hun, he has treated you badly, he has acted as a coward, and he's been very stupid and short sighted by giving up a lifetime of love for friends who will disappear after college anyway.

I thought that was harsh, but he would know better than I would what goes through a YM's mind. You never know, the pain may be too much for Matt to bear in the long run. Don't burn any bridges - and stick around for a little while. It won't take long, once he's out in the "real" world and sees that there isn't a cornicopia and that he already had the best, for him to tell his friends to shove it.

Let us know what happens. (I'm still not breathing!)

Hugs.

bubbleee

09-29-2004, 09:59 PM

Gina

I was thinking about you the other day and wondering where you've been since I hadn't seen you around. I don't get to come to Ageless often because I can't get the site at work anymore (it's banned) and I am now going to school at night.

I am simply astonished by this turn of events. I know how much you love Matt and how much he loves you. That's a given, in my book. Why things have to be the way they are for him right now, I don't know.

You have had some tremendous advice from some women who have walked in your shoes. Phil and I are still going strong so far, thank goodness. But what happened to you could happen to me too, and to countless others of us on here. My heart just aches for you.

Maybe this is just a bump in the road, who knows. I just hope that you can find the strength you need to deal with this situation.

Love
Bub

irparis

09-29-2004, 10:10 PM

I'm sadden by the turn of your relationship FirstL.

I don't think Matt a coward or anything like unto it, but just a ym who is trying to find his place in this world, the same as all of us did when we were his age. (And I do believe this is an ongoing process) Stepping in as Bella suggest will not teach him absence, love unfilled, loneliness, desire, acceptance or joy. He has to take those steps on his own.

I don't believe it has anything to do with how mature he is, I'm sure most of us thought ourselves very much mature as we made choices that others did not approve of, but it was our choice to make anyway and we made them, most times badly and sometimes well...but we learned and acquire much in the learning. you can't just turn your back on friends and family when you're that young...they are who define you whether you have a SO or not.

In his defense, his choice is to find out who he needs to be being with you, by being without you right now. It has nothing to do with you and everything do with both of yous, but certainly nothing to get angry about. In choosing to find himself, he may just find more strength then he could have ever imagine, but it had to be on his own...he needs to stand on his own...that is how he matures and grows.

You can only hope that he finds the Matt who needs you to be happy and joyful. Unless, he moves away or dies, there's always hope and love and cherishness in both your hearts...and even after all the pain and suffering, those 3 attributes may just be the crown of joy that will draw both of you together again, at another time and place. you're both are going to be ok, I know it.

Paris

Harrison

09-29-2004, 10:13 PM

Originally posted by First Love
Thank you everyone for the kind words.

I am so very hurt but to be honest he spent most of the day here and he was crying most of that day. As hurt as I am, I felt so badly for him because he knows how good he had it. He knows I gave him everying and he claims that it is enough except that yes...

everyone around him thinks he needs to live the college life, and see other people, and his friends are saying that they don't want to be around him anymore because of his relationship with me. Mind you these are people that have never met me, they just think its sick that he's in this relationship with an older woman with a son. He must be desperate or something....

His parents were going to help with college like they did with his brother but because he was in a relationship with me, they put the noose on him and he was working but not enough to pay his portion and I know that was eating away at him....

I am how old that I am.
He is how old that he is.

Apparently that is the ONLY way we are not compatible.

It just hurts... Yesterday he loved me, and today he left me.
WhamBamThankUMa'am

I'm terribly sorry to hear this, FirstLove...

Please accept my sympathies.

BUT, dare I say it.... (?)

You are not alone. This is very, very, VERY common with
the youngsters who don't know their own minds yet, and
don't have the strength of their convictions.

I hope you stay with the Agelesslove community and find
someone a little wiser, more mature and independent, but still young enough to excite and invigorate you.

Good luck and try to think positive. The young GOOD GUYS
are still out there. You just have to look a little harder. ;)

ScarletHawke

09-29-2004, 10:30 PM

Originally posted by Harrison

Good luck and try to think positive. The young GOOD GUYS are still out there. You just have to look a little harder. ;)

Well, I don't think Matt was a "bad guy". Not at all. I do think he's very confused and insecure about all his relationships right now -- family, friends, and obviously his and Gina's. He seems to be listening to everyone except himself, and trying to please the greatest number of people at the same time.

Unfortunately, this is a matter of quality over quantity. Having a ton of frat-boy friendships is not going to come close to equalling what he had with Gina, and that's something he hasn't woken up to yet. Same with his parents -- he's gonna have to untie the apron strings sometime. I can't help but wonder if there's been some sort of unresolved issue in his past that makes him not want to trust his own judgement in these matters..?

Extra (((HUGS))), Gina.

Harrison

09-29-2004, 10:50 PM

Yeah, Scarlet, I just meant that as far as Gina's concerned, he's "damaged goods," in the emotional sense, ie. not capable of sustaining a relationship.

Phillippides

09-29-2004, 10:58 PM

Wow. As Bubbleee stated, she and I are still going strong in our relationship, but it really sucks to come back here and see this happening. Hopefully he'll wake up to what he is missing here and the rash choice that he has made.
Somebody observed the jealousy factor amongst his friends, that it wasn't the age so much as him being involved in a serious relationship. It could be. At the end of the teen years, there seems to be a lot of jealousy and a lot of pressure to "fit in." But most will learn, and some of us know w/o experience that if you have to fit in to have certain people as friends, it's better not to have them as friends at all. Just me, but hopefully, he'll find that out for himself soon enough as well.

Really sorry to hear about this, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

First Love

09-29-2004, 11:07 PM

Well,

Last night Matt got zero sleep. Today at school he was distracted and sad and realized that he has been messing up so very badly.

He made a list of why he did what he did... he knew which issues/solutions belonged to whom and then he had his support group labeled that he could turn to for solid advice and then his resolve to fix all this..

My friend said it best, she said he did a classic backpeddle. He knew that what he did was wrong, and that he went about it all wrong, and he knew that keeping me separate was wrong...and also that he wasn't communicating the hurt rather he let it all bottle up inside until he exploded.

We agreed to do a couple of things:

1. He is NOT moving back in with me
2. He is going to fix this mess with his TRUE friends and he has severed ties with the others (he said it was just a dream to get back on the team anyway...he has another gig going)
3. I helped him get his current job, he is just starting and so that is going to take care of his money issues
4. He is going to make NEW friends since college just started and they are going to be both of ours and we will go to some parties together, or go bowling with his friends together
5. We will be not seeing others but are back to dating status while all of this plays out and I get a chance to see that he is putting his money where his mouth is so to speak. No more games.
6. He will come to the gym with us still and he will continue playing basketball with stephen and they will continue to have their bond through homework, playstation, and sports.

From there we can see what happens. He told me that he realized just how wrong he was and that I couldnt have known how bad he was compartmentalizing everything because he wasn't sharing it with me... and that's what caused the blowup.

I told him that I will not accept being a separate entity and he will have to prove I am not. He is going to have to continue working and making that money for school so that his parents have less of a hold over him, even though for now he is going to remain in their home and overall I told him that we are going to need to improve our communication and that he needs to start sharing so that we can discuss things together so nothing gets so out of control again.... IF IF IF all those things can happen, then I want to be with him, but if those things do not happen and are not sustained, I will walk.

Guys I love him so much, he just made a few blunders and I suppose I made some too by not keeping more on top of these things but maybe this blowout was exactly what we needed to get back on track. That is the responsiblity we face when we date the inexperienced....sometimes they do things that are really immature. This episode I swear took 5 pounds off me and at least a year from my life. I told him if I ever have to do anything like this again, it will be the last time!!!!!

Right now as I type this, I feel calm and more collected. I lost my live in partner but he was building an impenatrable wall brick by brick so what good would it have been to have him anyway. Instead I get some privacy back, and he can further define himself and fix these areas that need to be fixed and we can go back to the romance of dating, and eating dinner sometimes, and hitting the gym, and playing a few games and having a few adult dates and see what happens...

And guys... it is true, I haven't become angry yet about it all. I told him in no uncertain terms that it will be fixed but I haven't developed any seething anger, rather I am just hoping that he fixes it all like he wrote out and if he does I want him...I want to be with him because all the rest was so good.

Thoughts?
Sigh..................

wildthing

09-29-2004, 11:29 PM

you go girl!!!

stick to your guns and don't let him get away with not treating you right.

i would take his coming to you with the list of all things he did wrong a good sign. he was willing to admit to being in the wrong and took steps to rectify things. you may have some rocky times to get things back to where you had been, but like you said, maybe getting everything out in the open like this was the best thing for you.

all the best wishes possible for you both

Kristin

09-29-2004, 11:33 PM

whew! I can breath again!

I think you'll be fine. He couldn't even last a day without realizing how much you mean to him! Give him space, let him grow and most of all, don't hold this over his head. He went about it all the wrong way - as the inexperienced are want to do - but he came back to the right place. As much as it hurt you, he did what so many young people - and males - do. I've been with plenty of older guys that did the same thing - hold it all in until it boiled over. Hopefully he's learned from the experience and so have you.

Just remember why you were together in the first place and take it one day at a time.

**does happy dance for Matt & Gina 'cause she thinks they'll get thru this**

Phillippides

09-30-2004, 12:03 AM

Way to be girl! You established some new boundaries for your relationship and are making him earn your trust back. That's a healthy way to start back after being hurt so bad. And hopefully, the guideline about knowing all of one another's friends will keep this from happening again. Hoping for nothing but the best for you.

whiterose

09-30-2004, 05:01 AM

Sounds like you two had a very productive meeting! I'm very glad that you two have been able to come to some agreements and will continue to pray that things will just get better and better.

bubbleee

09-30-2004, 06:49 AM

Wow

Phil must have been up late last night, I know he was upset by this.

I agree with what he said both times. Phil is Matt's age and I can see what he's saying.

G, I think having Matt not live with you is the right thing. Phil doesn't live with me either but he also doesn't live with his folks, he lives on campus and has great paying part time job. Most of his college is funded by scholarships and loans which he is responsible for. In my mind, Phil is taking responsibility for his own life and that is critical for us to have an adult relationship. He is able to buy me flowers, take me to dinner, pay his own expenses, etc.

I think Matt needs to move to standing on his own two feet. If he can earn money and apply for financial aid, etc. for his college next year, move to campus, etc., he will grow in independence and maturity. He will love you for helping him get there.

Speaking for me, even though Phil is only 19, I want someone who displays the independence and strength to take charge of his own life whether its finances, school, friends or his unconventional relationship with a woman 30+ years older than he. We've deliberately taken steps to make sure he gains those skills for his life. I think the things you have outlined with Matt are a good start for you two as well.

Phil and I both wish you all the best. These relationships are high risk but very high reward.

Love
Bubb and Phil

Polly

09-30-2004, 07:14 AM

Gina, I just wanted to say, remember when we were at the brewery in St. Louis, and I said to you, "What are you doing with US? You look like a kid!":D You and Matt really do make such an adorable couple, and I would have guessed you at between 19 and 21, so please, don't ever look at yourself as the "middle-aged soccer mom" because you're NOT! You would fit right in with Matt's friends. You have an easy time relating to people, and you make it easy for them to talk to you. I didn't realize that you weren't socializing with his friends. I would have suggested that you DO THAT. You can't be in a relationship where one person puts the other one in a "closet" and takes them out only when it's convenient.

Matt needs to stop acting like he's ashamed of you, or like you're some kind of freak! You are still a young woman, and you are smart and beautiful! Many, many, many men would give their right arm to be with you, son and all.

Robins friends and I aren't best buddies, but we are compatible enough that when I go to a party with him, I can relate to them and they make me feel comfortable. The first time I met them, some eyebrows were raised, but I just kept going. Pretty soon, it was clear to all that Robin wanted to be with me and if they were going to continue to be Robin's friends, they would have to accept me too. Of course, I had to do my part. I had to be open enough to be on their turf, and get to know them. I had to find that common ground. It's really not that hard. For us, it's been movies and cartoons that we have in common. Guys like to laugh, and so do I. It's harder to fit in with the girls, but the ones I do fit in with like to talk about the same stuff I do...relationships, work, politics, and just everyday stuff.

Friends and family are important, and they can't be excluded. Incorporate yourself into his world. You know, the more people see you and Matt together, how happy he is, how well you treat him, and get to know you on a personal level and experience what a groovy girl you are, the more they will forget about the age gap and love you just as much as Matt does!:)

Jo-Admin

09-30-2004, 07:35 AM

Awww Gina...((big hugs)) and hugs for Matt too...

You know, it sounds like in the heat of the moment, he made a decision he really regrets. Unfortunately, there isn't any way to take back the hurt and damage that those actions caused, and the repercussions will last for a while.

So yes, I think you made a good decision, living apart for a while. I think you will make it through this..I really do (and pssst...I always did!). *smiles*

marcy

09-30-2004, 08:13 AM

I am so relieved to read this today. Talking this over, setting clear boundries, and expectations sounds like the absolute right thing to do.

I know that uneasy, sick feeling must still be rooted in your stomach. Stay strong and hang in there...

greeneyedgirl

09-30-2004, 08:24 AM

:D !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carazy

09-30-2004, 11:18 AM

Wow, Gina,
I have been away a bit and my heart was really breaking for you when I started reading your thread :(

I am so glad you are talking and trying to sort this mess out and hope you can find a way to grow together again ;)

As someone (was it Babes somewhere) said, successful agegap relationship are so uplifting, but when things go pearshaped, it's really no ball at all and seems to have repercussions in many of us "age-gapers"...

As for communication issues, I am an expert in "non-communication" - and I have been trying to learn and to improve myself in that respect, so I can kinda sympathise with Matt even .. if you never learned proper communication and assertiveness, it's a minefield, really.

I hope you can resolve all this and be happy together again :)

Big hug,
C.

Desert Spring

09-30-2004, 11:44 AM

Yep. This is kinda how it goes. Fun rollercoaster, isn't it?

Poor baby. They can really take it out of you, can't they?

Rest. Don't take a job you don't want, if you can avoid it. And let him earn back your trust and love over time.

I know where you are right now. All too well. Realize that you will get angry, sooner or later, and that's OK. And try not to hold the relationship up to a microscope. You may find in the next weeks or months that some thoughts will go through YOUR head about breaking up with HIM. That's the anger.

Just try to express it elsewhere (friends, journal, whatever) and maintain as much laughter and compassion as you can muster.

Watching someone else grow up is not for sissies.

I'm really glad that he came to his sense so quickly. That is a wonderful sign. But there probably will be some crashing waves for a time to come.

Keep swimming - lol.

First Love

09-30-2004, 12:10 PM

How bout where I left off :)

Babes -- Thank you for the lecture!! Seriously I know you do it because you care... Steff...I got my chin up!!

In FACT all of you here at Ageless are such wonderful people. I REALLY DO LOVE this community and I never knew how much until I desp. needed you all. I have to admit -- I didn't think he was going to come back! When a person takes all their stuff and says "maybe I'll talk to you on the radio one of these days" (because I was going to do some dispatching and he is doing some police work) I seriously thought ok...this is over! He's done...I mean, when I leave someone I'M DONE!!...so another lesson learned, and yes, YOU ALL WERE RIGHT about this!!

1love and Dan -- both are so very sweet. Such encouraging words regardless of what happened, and yet always the possibility that this might fix itself. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Bella - Thank you for the encouragement too. I know you were watching with interest as well, and I hated to see it all go away and turn into a big giant ball of DRAMA! :-( I do feel so much better today...

Christina and Charo - Thank you for the well wishes! I so needed them.

Kristin -- BREATHE BREATHE! LoL Oh man, in some ways I really regret having brought you all into this mess, but in some ways I am so glad I did because you were all ROCKS for me. I think Jeremy was right, as was babe and Bella_D (as much as I always like to disagree with her...LoL *wink Bella_D).

Hi Bubbleee and Philip...!!! I have been laying low because so much has been happening. I still come here often and read to make sure I know what is going on with everyone but I was at a point where I felt like I couldn't really contribute .... you ever been there? *oops although..I did make some Ho-Downs in the music section...LoL Who could resist that? ?

I am very happy to hear that everything between you both is so strong still. What a blessing. I will be talking with you more...

IRPARIS - you really are so very wise. Your words are always very meaningful to me and so right on... I thank you for taking the time to write in my thread I reread your words many times...

Harrison - Hey buddy! thanks for the kind words. I think for now I am going to give this another chance. I don't want to lose this person because he means so very much to me. I feel hopeful that his journey will include me and if not, we sure gave it the ole' college try didn't we? LoL

_____________________________

You all know how much I really dislike drama... I mean watching someone elses drama is much different than living your own. I am thankful for the outpouring of compassion from everyone, and I am so happy you all were right and maybe we can work through this together.

Matt is going to come onto Ageless this afternoon and read through this thread. I think it will be helpful for him, so all the advice everyone gave me and the advice you were really giving HIM too will not go unnoted!

Everyone from the bottom of my mending heart....

THANK YOU!!!!!

*SMMOOCH*

First Love

09-30-2004, 12:17 PM

Oh and Polly girl.....

You and I have had our go arounds about dating VYM. I know how you feel about it from watching things like this happen, and I know that you were so very kind and compassionate while in St Louis and anytime I write in with any issues or confusions.

I think your advice is always very grounded and I think you a very wise soul.

About his friends... see when someone transitions from HS to college, most of their friends disappear anyway, so I wasn't really too concerned about not meeting his friends because this was a period of flux for all of them.
When this really became an issue is when he decided he wanted to get back into baseball. He was then in contact with these guys some of whom were a little less than impressed with his choice (again not even knowing me) and that's when things got really intense for Matt....but I didn't really know any of this was happening until he blew up!

Like I said, for my part I probably should have been a bit more on top of it, but I really didn't find anything to be highly unusual given that college JUST started and he is JUST on the path to finding friends that would be accepting... however I was wrong...it was all crashing in on him, and his parents were cranking on him and it became too much cause he held it in.

Yeah..I think this arrangement is going to work just fine! And he will be moving from his parents at some point but since the term already started he will stay put for now and we'll see what happens in a few months!

:--)

JO: *You woman... are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sweet. Thank you for everything you've said

and Whiterose: Allowing me to vent on Yahoo Messenger..you are such an angel!

;)

First Love

09-30-2004, 12:20 PM

Desert:

"I know where you are right now. All too well. Realize that you will get angry, sooner or later, and that's OK. And try not to hold the relationship up to a microscope. You may find in the next weeks or months that some thoughts will go through YOUR head about breaking up with HIM. That's the anger."

...I will keep a very close eye on this! I am interested to see how it all plays out. Thanks for the tips...and swimming...pfft...I can do that with my hands tied behind my back :)

(so she says today, but what if you asked me that yesterday...LoL)

Kristin

09-30-2004, 01:00 PM

Gina said you'd be here today, so I'm directing this to you from Jeremy & me.

When Jeremy heard what happened, the first thing he said was, "Big mistake." I said that you were young and it's hard to resist peer pressure. Jeremy said he didn't have that problem. I said that he didn't have a lot of friends. He said, "But I know the friends I have are truely my friends. I went thru some bullsh*t like this when I was 18 and I said goodbye to them. They weren't really my friends if they couldn't respect me and what was important to me. Those guys are ***holes and he's totally dissing his girl for them."

Anyhow, I thought maybe that could give you some perspective.

And I just want to say "Talk, Baby!!!". Don't let yourself become one of those guys that holds everything in. One of the benefits of being with an OW is that we tend not to over react or have hissy fits like a less mature woman (notice I don't say "young" because we have some very mature YW here on Ageless and I don't want to insult them!) Gina is a reasonable woman and will listen to what you have to say and will work things out with you. She loves you very much and your happiness means the world to her. The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but once you leave your own sweet pasture the gate may lock behind you and you'll never get back. Don't blow it, sweetie.

Peachy

09-30-2004, 01:34 PM

Originally posted by Kristin
And I just want to say "Talk, Baby!!!". Don't let yourself become one of those guys that holds everything in. One of the benefits of being with an OW is that we tend not to over react or have hissy fits like a less mature woman (notice I don't say "young" because we have some very mature YW here on Ageless and I don't want to insult them!) Gina is a reasonable woman and will listen to what you have to say and will work things out with you. She loves you very much and your happiness means the world to her. The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but once you leave your own sweet pasture the gate may lock behind you and you'll never get back. Don't blow it, sweetie.

Yep, what she said!!! In real estate it may be "Location, Location, Location," but in relationships, it's "Communication, Communication, Communication." :D

Good luck to both of you! http://www.fodors.com/forums/smileys/shamrock.gif

1love

09-30-2004, 01:58 PM

Gina~

I am so glad that you two are going to be ok! I wish you all the best.:)

(((BIG HUGS)))

Bella

09-30-2004, 06:21 PM

WHEW!!!!

I had my fingers totally crossed all day at work.
I was really hoping it was just that.
Like DS said, it is a real rollercoaster, and not for the faint of heart.
Y'know, I think every time I stop waiting for the other shoe to fall in my relationship, another one has trouble and it starts all over again. If he wasn't such a wonderful person, I don't know if I could do it. And that's when he says "Honey, stay off Ageless".
He still says he's not going anywhere, but there's always that niggling little voice telling me not to get too complacent. And that's my own problem to deal with.
You will get angry when the relief is over, you know. Try to recognize it for what it is.
You are good together, this is just a bump, like any relationship has, just one that's unique to this kind, and part of the territory it seems.

ScarletHawke

09-30-2004, 06:37 PM

I'm very glad he came back, and your list of non-negotiables is rational and reasonable. I, too, think this is a very positive step.

HURRAH!

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/ARMS1.GIF

kittylane

09-30-2004, 11:03 PM

i am happy for you, this stuff is hard for both of you, even the best of relationships go thru rocky waters, but you both survived and this is so beautiful and more so fortunate that you saw the mistake so early, I have been with much older counterparts then you boyfriend who didnt own up to their blunders as fast as your guy did, the character is there, it just takes time to find itself.

toasty

10-01-2004, 01:50 AM

Gina

Gee this is one of those times that I wish I had a couple of wires connected to my keyboard that connected to my head and automatically typed my thoughts:D . I have so much that I could say to you Gina. I don't really know much about you and your ym as I don't get to ageless as much as I would like to these days but by the amount of responses you have received it's obvious to me that you are a special individual.

Honestly I just noticed this thread tonight and have not been able to read the whole thing and felt I didn't need to. I know exactly what your feeling and going through. DS and Bella are right you must feel like you are on the biggest emotional roller coaster ride that you have ever been on in your life. I've been on that ride myself, the first time for a couple of months and the 2nd 2 years ago for 8 months. I have read the first page of this thread, Jody's & Bella's post and the last page.

It sounds all so familiar, we felt the love as you describe that both of you still have. You are correct you will feel anger, hurt and hate and these feelings will constantly change back and forth. It may be one of the hardest things you will have to get through in your life. but it is possible.

I have noticed for some reason alot more of these breakups seem to happen about this time of year. It will be 2 years this Nov. that my dream started to come to an end. It was the 2nd time that we had hit a bump. The first time was just a curb we hit, the 2nd time I swear we hit a whole bloody cement barrier :D .

It has been one of the hardest things I have ever went through in my life. The one thing I think you are experiencing that I did not was the problem with friends accepting the relationship. We had lots of friends that supported us as well as my family. Justins mom took it horribly, she now trys to act like she accepts it because she desperately wants a relationship with him (he prefers to not have anything to do with her), but deep down we know it still makes her feel sick. I use to let it bother me but now I have realized that it's her problem and not mine.

He moved out on his own we had limited visits to begin with, He moved in with a long time buddy and his buddys GF. That caused alot of conflict, as I think it really hurt me that at one time we were all good friends, and now they all had abandoned me, I felt so alone. I first went through denile(sp?), I couldn't believe he left, I was waiting to wake up from this nightmare . After a while I finally realized I wasn't dreaming and I went through a deep depression. It took everything I had to force my butt out of bed and get myself and kids off to school. I would come home from my day and curl up in a ball and cry. My boys tried to snap me out of it but they too were going through emotions of their own. They loved Justin like their own father.

I remember on my birthday (which was 6 days after he walked out the door) sitting at my dining room table in my pj's waiting for him to come and spend a few hours with me. It was that day in my Happy B Day thread that I broke down and posted of our breakup. I felt embarressed that my relationship had failed, I received tremendous support from many. I continued to slip into depression, Bella became very worried about me. I went into a shell for many days and did not return her emails for a few days. She begged me to please at least let her know I was ok. That was one of the first things that started to pull me out of my shell. It was not long after that she emailed me that her and David had hit that same cement barrier. We then started to talk on the phone and it felt so good to get all that was bottled up inside of me out and better yet she knew exactly how I was feeling.

I had the support of Bella, Jody, Special K, Tall Guy and Lady and another member that will remain nameless by their request. We were all going through the same emotions and problems. It was our own little support group.

Justin and I continued to have sex with one another and neither of us were interested in seeing others. I know that many did not support my decision to do so but it was something I just couldn't let go of. The sex was very different, awkward at times, no kissing, just plain old sex.

We had many ups and downs. Justin eventually got his own place but wanted to keep the location a secret. I felt hurt to say the least but told myself to be patient and understanding. It took him only 2 weeks to finally invite me over.

One time when we were having a bad visit, he told me something that I think changed my attitude and life. He told me that he needed this time and space to get his life together and if I didn't use it to do the same that there was no chance for this to work.

It gave me a total new outlook on the situation. I started concentrating on finishing school, and ended up graduating with honours. I landed a fantastic successful job in which I ended up getting Justin a very high paying position in the company. He just recently got a promotion this month and is running his own crew.

On his first day on the job he decided to spend the night and he has never besides his out of town jobs and fishing trips has spent a night away from me. It took him 3 months I think to give up his little apartment but I was patient and wanted it to be his decision to come back and be committed.

We have been back together 1 year and 3 months now and I can honestly say I have never been happier in my life. Just remember that it is normal to feel all the emotions you will be feeling. You will have good days and bad but just take it day by day. It is possible to get through this and I don't think it is an unusual thing to go through with a yym. They are going through so many changes and learning and experiencing many new things. There is so many life decisions that they need to make. If the love is real, strong and meant to be you can get through this. Be supportive, respectful, loving and understanding of one another.

Try to think of living apart from one another as having a relationship vacation so to speak. The time space away from one another can make you appreciate what you had. It's that time away that helps me get through all his business trips now. He has actually only been home for about 9 waking hours these past 2 weeks due to out of town work and fishing tournaments. I actually just got a phone call from him while I sit here and write. He's due home tomorrow and will be home for at least a weekend and we sound like a couple of love sick puppy's, but if feels so good.

Hang in there as long as your heart keeps telling you. Don't make any harsh decisions such as moving yet, remember day by day, step by step. No matter which way this goes you can get through this. You will grow as a person and become stronger no matter which way this road may take you.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Bella

10-01-2004, 08:53 AM

Brenda, myself, Jody, Babes, DS, BA, everyone else who has been through this knows why I always say it just isn't for everybody. Not everyone can take the stress of going through this. And it's almost a given that it'll happen at some point with a vyp. It's why I'm always a cautious cheerleader when someone starts posting in a new relationship with a very younger. Sometimes it makes a relationship stronger, sometimes it breaks it. I'm not sure what the deciding factor is, I only know it hurts like hell. And I fully understand the major confusion going on in the guy's head, which doesn't help, that I can feel the sympathy for him as well as the pain for her. Even when it was my guy, I did understand.
But it tore my heart up.
HOWEVER.
I am still so happy I chose to take the rollercoaster ride.
I'd like some scientist to do the research and see what it is about the Autumn season that causes this. In the 4 years I've been on ageless, and other sites with age gaps, every Autumn there is a rash of very youngers doing this.
It's really up to each individual to know if they can take knowing that this can happen, and if they're willing to work through it if and when it does. Saying, don't get involved with a young one, cause he probably will do this is easy, but saying proceed with caution, know this probably will happen, but decide if being with the person is worth what you might have to go through in this relationship is a little harder.
For me, having a couple of months of distress, out of nearly four years of happiness, it has totally been worth it.
If we go through it again? Who knows, we'll take that ride if it comes along. He's pretty honest and level headed, and we communicate pretty well, and sometimes painfully, honestly.
Best of everything to you, and to Matt too.
Confusion doesn't make anyone a bad person. Just human.

Matt8172

10-01-2004, 02:27 PM

This is the second time of posting on ageless and I just wanted to say that I am going to change my life around. I do need advice and support which Gina gives me. When I first moved in with Gina I said that I was going to be reading Ageless just as much as she does, but it didn't happen. I really am going to start reading the site now, I think it will help me out with my thoughts on age-gaps and how to get thru some tough situations. That will also give me support and advice. I have decided that I will take the advice of Jeremy and move out of my parent’s house. Right now im sitting in the park at college with my loan papers next to me, Gina on my mind, love in my my heart for her, and ready to have a new start on my life. I don't know if I will post alot on ageless but I will try to keep up with the site by reading it.

Gina- I love you so much. I will always love you. (I bet you will tell me all my spelling mistakes when I see you):)

First Love

10-01-2004, 02:36 PM

Kristin,

That is so sweet that you guys took the time to write to Matt. He has been working crazy hours so hasn't been able to read this stuff yet, but we will sit down and do it this weekend for sure!!!

I LOVED the advice and I think he will respond to it for sure.

Brenda,

THANK YOU so much for sharing your story. It was very helpful and I am just sitting here thinking about what you must have felt like on your birthday sitting at your table alone...
Man... that is such painful stuff! (shakes head)

That's fantastic that you both were able to work it out! In fact, I feel like about the time I joined must have been when I saw you both were working on your relationship. If I remember correctly I wondered if that was possibly going to work for you...

Funny how judgements are when you only have limited information to go from.

Thank you!

Bella,

Very interesting points you bring up. For instance, if you were to tell someone or rather if EVERYONE was to tell someone not to date their VYM most of the women who come here and say they are, will probably dig their heels in deeper and do it anyway DESPITE what has been told to them. I mean, I know for certain that I was so absolutely sure nothing like this would EVER happen to me. I was so confident that I would have the formula to avoid such pain, and to be honest, now that I reflect, I'm kind of glad I went through this because I have never EVER felt an emotion like this before. I have never been so low... so low that I wished I was not breathing because infinite darkness would be easier than the pain I felt. Yet, I went through it.

...and now I'm trying to put the pieces back together with him. I would say that I most likely will mirror your sentiments about having such a small amount of pain for so many years of pleasure.. that it is worth it, and that you have done the right thing.

I never knew what it felt like to feel like someone just cut your chest open and ripped your beating heart right out of your cavity and stood there and fed it to the dog..

VYM ------ shakes head. I love my vym and as much as I want to think I would do it all over again, that would have to be because I am not going to have another powerless episode like I did this week. I don't think I could really bare another episode like this one, and most likely I would have a perhaps mistaken impression he would come back again, and what if he didn't?

Then I have to go through it all .. all over again.

I look up to the heavens and I cry out: PLEASE let this have been the worst of it...

*oh well, I'll begin stockpiling energy and armour just in case...

First Love

10-01-2004, 02:39 PM

PS:

I brought my mom to this site and had her read this thread and she just shook her head and couldn't believe how much support there was for me, and how valid everyones opinions were and how kind everyone was.

She was so happy I had a place to come for help...
I am so glad too...

First Love

10-01-2004, 02:41 PM

LoL...

Matt I didn't even know you were here!!
I'm glad you got to read everything!!!

:-)

I love U !

PS: Naw, I'm not your English Teacher unless you need the proofreading for one of your papers ;)

Wink*

toasty

10-01-2004, 07:58 PM

It's very obvious how much you two love each other and I think no matter what the outcome you both will become stronger and grow from this . From Matt's post I can tell he has a good head on his shoulder. Has Matt ever been totally on his own, I know that it was a good experience for Justin. Believe it or not when Justin moved out it was my first time that I had ever lived on my own. I didn't much care for it but it made me so much stronger and I felt so good about myself. I finally knew I could pay my bills, deal with household problems and look after the kids all by myself. What a satisfying feeling.

I agree with Bella, the 8 months of pain and that feeling of your heart being ripped out is worth all the happiness I am feeling now. If you ever want to talk or have any questions Gina do not hesitate to PM me and I would be more then happy to give you my email address or call you.

silverlasha

10-02-2004, 09:10 PM

I am arriving very late. I am so sorry for the pain that both of you went thru. And yes, with hindsight being 20/20 you can see now where things were too much for both of you.

Now that Matt's life is no longer compartment ized, Does he want you to meet his folks? Because he is living with them now, will they consent to inviting you and your son for dinner or something? And as others have said, Matt will sort out those people who are real friends and support him. What better way to get them to understand what a wonderfull love he has than by allowing them to get acquainted with you. If there are those that don't want to support him, then he will know they aren't really his friends. Friends want the best for each other and are willing to support each other thru thihck and thin.

growing up doesn't happen all at once. I am still learning and growing at 67. Peer pressure can get to you at any age. Just keep on loving one another and be open in your other relationships.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

irparis

10-02-2004, 10:51 PM

I'm glad you two have come together to sort this out. Relationships of any age are a work in progress, but if commmunication doesn't exist, you might as well give up.

But if you two believe in each other and in yourselves, anything is possible. There's nothing like the power of conviction, love and integrity to succeed at the one of two single most important relationships in your life. Children being the second.

So hang in there, and when you feel like there's a huge crushing boulder on your chest, turn to each other before making any rash decisions and...talk, talk and talk some more with a true willingness to listen. Don't let it fester, this will not help your cause as you can see.

Good luck to you both. Whether together or singlely you will both be ok.

Paris

charo

10-03-2004, 04:42 PM

Matt and Gina

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/smileyhug.gif

I am so happy for you both. Im glad to hear your moving out of your parents house Matt, and getting your own place. . I know you love them and they love you, but its time for you to do what your doing. They will balk at first, but thats natural. Also, once they know you have made up your mind that you love Gina and thats that, they may object for a while but I know as a parent that when they see your happy they will slowly come around . My son was going to marry someone I wasnt too sure about but he told me well Im going to be with her so take it or leave it LOL I decided to go with the flow since I didnt want to lose my relationship with my son, and you know what???? I really liked his wife and its now 15 yrs later and she has become like a daughter to me.
As for friends, hey, if they dont like who your with , the person you love, then who needs them. My y/m and I left a few so called friends behind (most of whom were jealous and tried to cause conflict and doubts because they either were in a bad relationship or had nobody themselves.) The friends we do have knew it was "accept us as a couple" and they did.
Matt you seem to really love Gina and we all sure know Gina loves you so hold on to each other, and all the rest will work out. I think Peachy said it already but let me just underscore it COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE. Express your feelings, dont hide anything, be each others confidant and best friend, and with the love you already have for each other.. I know your going to be very happy together. .
Sermon by Charo lol

First Love

10-04-2004, 04:58 PM

Charo,

Thank you for the wonderful post.

My son was going to marry someone I wasnt too sure about but he told me well Im going to be with her so take it or leave it LOL I decided to go with the flow since I didnt want to lose my relationship with my son, and you know what???? I really liked his wife and its now 15 yrs later and she has become like a daughter to me.

Yes it is so very true everything you said there!!!!
*sigh ... his mom told him that he almost caused them to break up their marriage. She said that this "drama" put such a strain on his mom and dad that they actually put their wedding rings down for a period and were ready to call it quits.

With him backat their house, she said its right back to square one, and they won't cosign on his loan to get his own place and he can't take out a student loan because the term already started... he's between a rock and a hard place.

Even though is brother was given help with tuition when he was getting D's and F's for the first two years, his mom said that if Matt continues in this relationship with me, they are thinking of giving him no help at all, and if he doesn't get good grades which I think means C and above they will consider it to mean he does not take college seriously and will def. pull their help.

I just shake my head at that, because he is going to school full time, working full time now, he has to volunteer in the Cadets, he is trying to fix his relationship with me and Stephen, and still have time to be young and to see his family and friends. They are putting the squeeze on him so bad, that they hope the only outcome will be for him to dump me again.

I can't even imagine why that is so important to them that she is willing to risk her relationship with him, but apparently it is, and since I've never been in this situation from her side, there must be something I am not considering *shrugs* I mean there has to be.

Matt called me this morning upset about all this, and after I thought about it, I realized he will be working to save some money through October, he can find a place that hardly requires any move in costs ($550 tops) and even though he'll be moving into an empty apartment that's better than what he's doing now, and he won't need any loans for that. He will be away from them, on his own, and he can slowly but surely build his empire come November 1.

He seemed to relax at that idea and thinks that will work, but he sure dislikes what's happening with his parents (as always). This whole transition has been ugly and I feel baffled as to how to help him other than to get him away from them, and to become completely independant... but it sucks knowing in the back of my mind his life would be so much easier and he'd be getting an almost free ride if it wasn't for his love for me.

Its just dumb crap to think about all the time, yet its in his face, therefore it's in my face too...

Tough Situation.

First Love

10-04-2004, 05:03 PM

Matt, Matt, Matt... I know loving parents can put an awful lot of pressure on you when you grow up and that pressure can put a strain on the best of relationships. But when you've got a good partner, there's no sense in passing her up just because the other people around you aren't ready for it

Oh You two!! Mr and Mrs H!
I'm sorry I didn't send you a PM I was just focusing on this forum and thread and trying to keep from going insane.

This baby is what you call trial by fire. There are some odd dynamics at play because he is VY... and well so I am rolling with it best I can... and your advice to Matt.. Top Rate!

;)

I will not forget about Chicago, and you both are forever in my thoughts. I know you probably never expected to read this thread huh? I had you just as convinced as I had myself that NOTHING could go wrong.
In fact, I didn't realize what power I gave him because it was my first love. I didn't quite realize what that meant, but I sure do know now.

Matt says to tell you both THANK YOU for the support and we look forward to a time when we can see you guys again.

Kare Bear

10-04-2004, 05:10 PM

Don't you just hate it when people try to manipulate you into doing things THEIR way? My Mom is the World's BEST at it. Oh, don't get me wrong -- she's a WONDERFUL person. But she has this passive aggressive way of making you feel bad by NOT saying or doing something -- or by IMPLYING that you should or should not be doing something. This is what I see Matt's folks doing to him -- You either do it OUR way, or we're cutting you off financially. I really don't get it. I have a friend that's sort of that way -- they love their kids, but she says, Hey - if they want to go to college, they have to pay for it themselves. I don't know -- I kinda always liked my Dad's philosophy -- The kids didn't ASK to be here -- and as long as they're respectful, they have my full support.

Boy, do I miss my Dad :rolleyes:

silverlasha

10-04-2004, 05:42 PM

First Love ... his mom told him that he almost caused them to break up their marriage. She said that this "drama" put such a strain on his mom and dad that they actually put their wedding rings down for a period and were ready to call it quits. ....

I think you should help him put that straight. He should have no burden of guilt for where their relationship is going!! That is totally riduculous. Matt has no input into his parents marriage, save that of being a beloved child that was wanted or perhaps not. Would they have been better off without him? That is their problem to think thru, not his. Children (or spouses) are not possessions!! You cannot live their lives for them. Any person trying to make a possession of a child is saying they didn't do a decent job of child rearing and therefore their child doesn't know squat!

Perhaps his parents with those kinds of feelings SHOULD part company. It sounds the dad would like a life of a man instead of a possession. The mom is simply a pity package. Matt can and should love both and honor both, but by no means allow them to have any authority over him any longer. When children become adults they need to have the responsibility of adults. Not allowed out on strings to be pulled when desired.

perhaps it is too soon to remind his folks who will be choosing their nursing home?????

Also, Is it imperative for him to go to college? it is still early enough he could get his fees returned. Sometimes college can wait. Especially when he is working full time and trying to make a life on his own.

My youngest son went to college his first term and we were having a problem with finances as his older brother was also in college. The younger decided to quit school for then. His job wasn't the greatest, but he learned a lot as a copy person repairman, then fax machines. He married at 19 to a girl a few years older than him and they had a baby. When they got pregnant with the second child, He joined the military. He received lots of school and spent years going to school for a nuclear tech. When he got out he went to work with copiers and other office machines. He worked up to computer, opened his own computer business, and later sold that and accepted a job as IT manager for a firm and is a VP and has a 2 million dollar a year budget.

Then , He went back to college. with the schooling he took in the military and extra courses here and there when he had time, he is doing very well. He is using the University of Phoenix and working from hom on college. He is 43 years old and will earn his bachelors this year!! not bad!! He already has an income of over $100,000 per year. But he stuck with it to finish college.

So having to go to college isn't necessarily immediate unless he has to have a degree for his chosen field?

This is just something to think about! I didn't know if he had thought of not following his parents plans for him?

incognito_009

10-06-2004, 11:15 PM

I'm so sorry and my heart goes out to you.

I've read many of your posts and sense you had a wonderful relationship. I'm truly shocked.

What I don't understand is why your boyfriend is letting his friends influence him to this extreme.

A good relationship is hard to find and worth everything to hang onto.

I wish I had words of comfort, but I know mere words cannot ease your pain.

(((hugs)))

Carazy

10-07-2004, 07:01 AM

Originally posted by silverlasha
First Love ... his mom told him that he almost caused them to break up their marriage. She said that this "drama" put such a strain on his mom and dad that they actually put their wedding rings down for a period and were ready to call it quits. ....

I think you should help him put that straight. He should have no burden of guilt for where their relationship is going!! That is totally riduculous. Matt has no input into his parents marriage, save that of being a beloved child that was wanted or perhaps not. Would they have been better off without him? That is their problem to think thru, not his. Children (or spouses) are not possessions!! You cannot live their lives for them. ...
Just wanted to say, I totally second that - it's actually highly manipulative and out of order imo.

My b/f's parents do come up with this stuff now and then - he says it doesn't phase him because he's used to getting blamed for everything, but obviously stuff like that is just adding to personal insecurities - and also it's simply not FAIR; yet chances are, this manipulative attitude will prevail if not countered ...
This is something that Matt has to do for himself tho, and he might have to learn the lesson first that he's entitled to his own life the way HE wants it and noone else.

That it affects people deeply, I can see with my b/f who finds it very hard to say "no" to friends and family unless it's something of paramount importance for him ... Just too much aggro and discomfort ...

Which to me indicates there's some deeper issues here to resolve which will impact on your relationships ... :(

Still, good luck in sorting this out together :)

BearsAngel

10-07-2004, 10:42 AM

Gina and Matt...welcome to the Agegap Rollercoaster. The only charge is a piece of your heart which buys you the ride of a lifetime............

I know that the ups and downs are painful and the twists and turns are no fun either, but I can tell you from five and a half years of experience that it is worth going through. When that car you are in slams to a stop you get out together -- as a couple. If you can make it through this ride nothing on earth can come between you.

I honestly believe that the couple who have no real problems have far less of a chance of staying together if problems do arise. When you go through the process that the two of you are in the midst of you gain an understanding of the depth of your love for one another and an ability to communicate. The next problem that rolls along won't faze you because now you know how to deal with adversity and you are learning how to work as a team.

It’s a shame that his parents are being jerks, but if you read here long enough you will see that he is in good company. Far too few parents are supportive and non-controlling of their children’s lives. One of the unfortunate things about being a child of an unsupportive parent is learning how to distance yourself from them and realize that you can love someone even if you don’t currently like them very much.

Matt you will find that being independent is a very good thing. You learn to stand on your own feet and make your own decisions. This is part of becoming an adult and while not a heck of a lot of fun, will make you more certain about the choices you make about your life and who you love. Even though I’m 26 years older than Dave, his experience living alone and supporting himself without help from his parents, helped him to be able to make better decisions about his future.

And Matt…if you love her you are proud of her. Never hide your love for Gina. You will find that most people will enjoy your love and devotion, because it’s just plain nice to see people in love. The ones who give you grief aren’t worth caring about. Real friends will support you – if they understand that the two of you really are devoted to one another.

Congratulations to you both on the way you have handled things. You have set up an excellent foundation for your future together. :)

Peace,
Jane

First Love

10-07-2004, 10:06 PM

Silverlasha : Also, Is it imperative for him to go to college? it is still early enough he could get his fees returned. Sometimes college can wait. Especially when he is working full time and trying to make a life on his own.

Yes he really wants to stay in, we talked about it. I like your idea about the nursing home though ;)

That must have been tough on your son when he first made the decision, then it probably felt like a weight was lifted off of him.

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Kimmy: Trying to catch up . . . scrolled through and saw your reply Matt. Just had to tell you that this is especially good writing!:

Matt sure appreciated you saying that too. He is very self conscious about his writing because that has never been his strong suit. I have teased him about his spelling, but I do try my best to be encouraging and so he's taking writing in school, hoping that will even help him further...

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Incognito: What I don't understand is why your boyfriend is letting his friends influence him to this extreme. A good relationship is hard to find and worth everything to hang onto.

Incognito...true true, but I think its harder with the younger ones because they haven't had a bunch of failed relationships and they haven't seen how hard it is to relate, so they don't really truly "know" that it's hard to find a good relationship. I mean obviously they have an idea and they see things and talk to people but not having experienced the pain of being with someone you had no business being with.... well... therein lies some of the problem.

I don't know...sometimes I think Matt just gets bored and gets bored with me because we don't have a lot of money and so we aren't the most jetsetting right now, you know? I try to keep it real but sometimes its just hard.

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Carazy -- Thank you for the well wishes. I am sure hoping he gets it all sorted out and we can make it through this. We'll see soon enough.

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Jane: The next problem that rolls along won't faze you because now you know how to deal with adversity and you are learning how to work as a team.

Oh god, let you be right!! Please be right! :) I like the new VENT thread about parents. I think that will right up my alley hahaha and it seems you are right, there are so many that just, I don't know if they are not enlightened or if they just really think they are doing what's best ...

charo

10-08-2004, 10:50 PM

First love, you asked......I can't even imagine why that is so important to them that she is willing to risk her relationship with him, but apparently it is, and since I've never been in this situation from her side, there must be something I am not considering *shrugs* I mean there has to be.

As a parent, you want the best for your kids, and I would assume Matts mom wants him to go through school and get established and then meet what she thinks will be the perfect woman for him, etc etc. Im sure an "older woman" was NOT part of her plan for her son and she feels it will ruin HER plans for his future, and is using whatever she can to keep Matt dependant on her and be able to control things so HER PLAN for his life is not changed. I dont think she has considerd she might be risking her relationship with Matt because maybe Matt has never stood up to her or taken a stand for something if she was against it. Could be.
My father was like that, his idea of love was to run your life, and he saw you as loving him if you listened and not loving him if you disagreed. He was also one to give you something and then threaten to take it away if you strayed from what he thought you should be doing. He thought HE KNEW BEST... plain and simple. He thought I didnt. Funny though, his control and pressure caused me to back down many times and yet my mom( they were divorced but still talking) told me years later that my dad had told her once.... I wish she would stand up for herself for once, then maybe Id think she could handle life on her own. hmmmmm