email shock

my b/f of three years (off and on) who was just here last wknd. we had a wonderful time, as usual. i was planning a trip on friday to see him. today, i got an email that was newsy, and then said,

"more importantly, i've met someone with whom i'd like to spend some time. i don't know where we stand, but it's good to talk to you about this..." love, p

i'm in shock! he had been talking about a future with me over the last month, and moving back here. we've been through break ups before but i don't think i can weather another one.

i feel really sad and just so stupid that i ever got back together with him 4 months ago.

Oh Kat, I'm so sorry to hear your news. :( What a lousy way to tell you.. through an email! :mad:

We are here for you. Please talk to us. Vent. Whine. Whatever you need to do.

Thanks so much you two. I appreciate the compassion very sincerely.

This really comes as a shock to me. He just asked me to call him, but then he didn't answer the phone. So I emailed him and told him that I was in shock, that it seemed like really unstable behavior. I didn't understand how he could suddenly be interested in someone else when he was just sleeping with me a week ago and we had a wonderful time....it would be different if we had been having bad times, or even boring times. He told me he didn't know where things were going with this new woman but that he didn't want to be polyamorous...that he still wanted me to come and see him this weekend but that he thought it would be better if he didn't sleep with me....oh my gosh. Yeah, I'll jump right on the highway for that!!!!!

He asked if I thought this was going to be a detriment to our relationship? WHAT PLANET IS HE ON????????? This is a person who is normally down to earth and completely logical. Obviously he is very smitten with someone.

I still can't believe it.

Grrrr Kat!! I am so sorry!!! That is so frustrating and annoying and hurtful and confusing!!! I know what you are going through, sad, then grateful it happened now, then mad at him, then missing him, then mad again. It sucks!!!! Keep venting here!! You are in good company.

He really does sound confused.

He was with you last weekend (in bed not to mention)

He met someone (recently I figure) that he knows he wants to spend time with but doesn't know where it will go.

But, hey!! Come and see me this weekend, we just won't be like we normally are. Come see me so you can be uncomfortable.

You did nothing wrong for thinking what you thought or doing what you did. It's him that really needs to look inside himself. You were being true to yourself and following your heart.

I got off the phone with him about a hour ago (he called me) and I think we really did have our last conversation after 3+ years of a relationship. He said that he realized after he saw me last weekend that he was never going to be able to give me what I needed....that he had never fully integrated me into his life because he had never told his family about me and that I deserve more than he feels he can ever give me. We talked and talked but really it was pointless because bottom line is that I have to withdraw for my own health.

He wants to remain friends. He said, "You know me in ways that no one else does. I love you." But at the same time, this person who I thought was my partner left me an email telling me that he was interested in someone else. Funny, doesn't feel like love. By his own admission he is very confused, but I said that I was not confused. I love him, if he doesn't love me and have the desire to be a full fledged partner, then I need to move on. I can't keep emailing and phoning as if we are great friends but suddenly not lovers anymore.

Now, I can't sleep. I feel sad. I don't want to change anything. I just feel sad. This was a man I spent three years of my life loving and hoping to spend even more of it with...and in one evening it's gone. Amazing.

I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you. How awful. I know you haven't been a member here long, but please do stay and talk to us. We will support you in the times ahead. And if you like, either Dragonfly or I could move your thread to the Relationship Support area where you will likely receive even more support from people who may not visit the LDR forum. Just let us know.

thanks whiterose,

no, i think i'm okay. i've processed this overnight, and i know that i'm doing the right thing to cut it off, not remain friends and move on. i deserve a full partner and this man broke my heart in an instant and even though i'll miss him and probably cry some more about him, i don't want to drag it out. i asked him not to contact me anymore.

Well, Kat. I must say that you are a very wise and healthy person. You are stong and I am proud of you even though I don't know you very well. All I see ahead of you is happiness and fullfillment because you are going to get that for yourself. You are doing the right thing and everything is going to be okay. I admire your strength and security and I know you are going to be okay. Please stay here for a bit though and keep talking to us. You may have an up day then a down day. Use this forum for your own sanity on those crazy days.

If you ever want to chat you can find me on yahoo messenger Red_60067

SMILE!!!! :D

thank you red. i must say i'm dragging my *** right now from very little sleep, but everyone in my life is so supportive and loving and wants the best for me that i feel very lucky to be who i am and have the people i do have in my life.

i feel more today that the way he handled this was immature and crappy and so unloving. i've always loved him unconditionally and i didn't get honesty or integrity back. there was this piece of me that felt that he always muffled the truth a little bit, and this is just another example. he has probably known this other woman for a few weeks and didn't want to tell me. whatever. life goes on, and his without me in it. his loss.

I think you will just have to go through this thought process and you will question everything for a few days, then you will just want sleep and be so exhausted. Then you will wake up a new you, wiser and happier with his decison. If you felt that he was kinda shady for a while you probably had reason to believe so.

It is always in retrospect that I think, HOLY CRAP, i did see this coming!!

This only means that there is someting greater and better out there for you!! Chin up!

I've read some of my previous posts and they sound kind of retarded, which was reflective of the state of shock i was, and still am in....

one of the things he said to me was regarding the fact that most of our relationship consisted of emails and phone calls and he asked how that could be gratifying. to me, that's rationalizing "i met someone who is HERE." we had just seen each other last weekend and i was slated to drive up to see him on friday, and the following wknd he was coming here. everything he said to me last night was rationalizing his own behavior. it was his usual m.o. in these circumstances to do the "but this, but that" thing when they had never been discussed previously.

this was a man i'd been with 3+ years and was hoping to spend the next big chunk of my life with. i considered him my life partner, and i thought he considered himself the same. it's really depressing to find out otherwise overnight.

i'm not unintuitive, i'm not an idiot. i can't believe i didn't see this coming. i can't believe he tossed what we had in a heartbeat.

Don't beat yourself up for not seeing it coming. It was his responsibility to communicate his feelings to you openly and honestly. He obviously withheld that info from you and then took the "Dear John" approach, rather than take the decent approach and discuss it with you when you were together.

You did your very best to make it work. It's his loss. He took the easy way out just for the sake of someone closer.

yes, the word gutless comes to mind. this was my partner, my lover, my friend, my confidant......all gone in a heartbeat. he seemed so different than every other man i'd ever known, but in the end, i have to ask myself why i would attract someone who would do that to me. i'm not blaming myself, but i don't understand how you can put your heart and soul into a relationship for that long and have it turn sour overnight.

than again, i guess those people who come home and find their spouse packed up and gone wonder the same thing.

Originally posted by katmeup7
than again, i guess those people who come home and find their spouse packed up and gone wonder the same thing.

I was one of those people. :p My second husband has alot of emotional problems. He first left us when our daughter was 10 weeks old. I came home from work and found everything he owned gone. :confused: No rhyme or reason. Like you, I tried so hard to make sense of it all. Finally, I realized that it was impossible to try to give the situation any sense. There was no sense to it. It just was what it was... a situation where the man simply could not communicate his inner most feelings with me.

The feelings you are feeling are completely normal. You need this time and these feelings to help you sort it all out. And you will, when you are ready. So, cry, stomp your feet, throw things. Whatever it takes to let your anger out. But, never EVER blame yourself.

i'm truly sorry for what you had to go through years ago with a little baby no less. that is heartbreaking! you must have been devastated.

i don't blame myself at all. this was a man i loved unconditionally through a lot of difficult times (clinical depression) and through difficult circumstances. i have been enormously generous with my time, resources, love and compassion which i'll never regret. i grew a lot and learned much from being with him. but it was never fully returned because i was never even acknowledged by him to his family. he's complex and difficult and not easy. but he's also kind and compassionate and interesting and intelligent and funny. he made me laugh like no other person.

I've been following your thread...

Please forgive me for being blunt, but I get angry just reading about what he did.

Screw him!

He really did you a favor.

Peace,
thatgirl

you're absolutely right! he did do me a favor. i don't wish him ill will, but i hope this new woman drops him like a bad habit next week. on his head.

What a pr!ck!

kat~

You deserve good things and you are a strong woman! Go an with you life and do good things for yourself... a good fish will come along!

(((hugs)))

thanks, again, i appreciate the kind words. i've taken down all the pictures in the house of him and/or thrown away anything that reminded me of him. my friend is driving upstate tomorrow, and i have bagged up a christmas present (that could only be for him and is not returnable) for her to drop off at his house because i want it out of here, can't bear to throw it away, and don't want to spend the $ to send it. she said she'd be happy to drop it off and slap him.

Welcome to the club, katmeup. Had that happen earlier this year back at the end of February. Long Distance too. Didn't even have the balls (or should I say ovaries) to at least call me...

Nope, emailed me...

So...

Been there...
Done that...
Even though I'm over it, still wouldn't mind making them part of my new hood ornament...*LOL*

Seriously though, it does suck and royally bites a very large one. *Hugs*

Just take time and allow yourself to heal in a proper fashion and not rushed...

*smiles*

~Dan

i'm going to see a counselor today because i feel so lousy. i think i need to talk it out a little bit more with a professional. i'm feeling a bit better today, but i still cry at odd times and my stomach feels like the bottom fell out.

it's experiences like these that cause people to never trust anyone again, and i don't want to be like that.

there's nothing wrong with asking for help Kat. It will only help you overcome this in a more healthy way, and probably faster!!! In the meantime, make sure you are eating and drink lots of fluids!!!

I did go see a counselor today who helped me to some degree. She said when she moved to this town eight years ago, she was in the same boat I'm in now. Ironically, she knew my b/f because she lived next door to him, so she offered an extra bit of insight.
The first thing she said about him was "Nice guy." So, I guess I wasn't with someone that people, including a mental health profession, see as an asshole, if that's any comfort.

She was impressed with my lack of vindictiveness and bitterness, so I guess I'm growing as a Scorpio!!! LOL She asked me if I'd even gotten mad, which I indeed had on the phone. I did yell and tell him that this was a really ****** thing to do to me during our final conversation.

I still haven't been able to eat today. I should have been up there with him right now if he hadn't thrown this nasty curve ball at me. I just know I'll get better eventually. I just have to keep telling myself that. I'm fighting every urge in me to write or call him, but I'm not going to do it.

Kat, sometimes you have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time or sometimes one minute at a time. You will get through this, and this is so normal to have all these feelings, but try to take care of yourself tonight and eat something. It is not going to help you to not eat.

I know what you feel about being anxious to write him or call him, I know that feeling all too well. Can you go out tonight? Or go to a friends house and just watch a movie with them? Or do you have someone you can go to just keep you company tonight?

I used to paint my toe nails, then take the polish off and re-paint them another color until I liked the color I picked. Or I used to clean a closet out or something. Stay as busy as you can during the next few days.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY!!! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!! I PROMISE YOU!!!

red,

i like the toenail idea! but no, i can't go out tonight, i don't have the energy. i have barely eaten or slept for three days, so i'm going to go to bed very soon. this weekend, i have to write a ten page paper for school....but it'll keep me busy.

one thing's for sure: everyone i know is being really incredibly sweet to me, without judgement. people know how much i loved this guy, and people know how much our relationship meant to me even if they didn't agree with it, or couldn't understand why it had so much meaning for me. everyone is just focusing on my well being. i didn't know i had so many nice people around me. i'm truly grateful for that, and all of you here!!!

thank you so much!

No problem Kat, I hope you sleep well tonight, and I hope you are feeling better soon!

Be Good To Yourself! :D

Dear Kat, drink some hot cocoa, take a warm bath and go to bed. You have done a great job dealing with all this. Now, sleep. Get up in the morning and eat breakfast and take each day as it comes.


((((( BIG HUGS )))))

i woke up in the middle of the night because i thought he was here. i literally felt him next to me in the bed and i was so surprised, that it woke me up. he was being sweet and kind and warm. i guess it's a sign that he probably is loving me from afar. i don't think he meant to hurt me, i just think he was being a self centered, impulsive bastard!!

i'm definitely not sleeping well, but i'm going to get my hair cut this morning and get some highlights. yesterday i ran into this guy who was ga-ga over me in the past, but has since gotten married. his birthday and mine are very close together and we've had parties together in the past even though i never dated him more than a couple of times. he asked me if i wanted to plan something this year for november. i didn't tell him what was going on with me, but he told me how beautiful i looked and that sure cheered me up! he gave me a big, long hug...as if he intuitively knew i was not myself. sweet.

i know if i get my act together, something better will come along for me. i just need to give myself time.