Should I go on or move on?

Greetings,

I have been reading this forum for a while. It is good to see how tolerant and supportive everyone is.

I am a 27 yo woman dating a 20 yo guy. We have been dating for a little bit over a year, but we still haven't moved in together. One of the issues is that he is originally from a town about 3hrs drive from where I live. He is in university now, and stays at my city most of the time. I sometimes get confused as I'm not sure if we should stay together. This causes some very deep insecurities for me.

We are very compatible, almost identical world views, common interests, same social background, sexually compatible. Except - our age difference (almost 8 years). I am very indepedent thinking and mature, which is what he respects about me.

I have met his father once, and after he found out about my age (first didn't believe it because I look a tad younger), he wasn't really that shocked at all.

I worry about our future. I've never been married and don't have children. I'm not sure if I can build a future with him, if it is not too much of a risk to stay with him. I don't yet feel that I'm ready for children, but I will want them soon. And if we ever decided to do that, I would never want to take his youth away.

I heard somewhere that in about 10-12% of marriges the woman is in fact older than the man.

Oh, and I forgot to mention - I am the first woman he has ever had. :)

For the time being he hasn't been paying attention to anyone else (we are both very stern about monogomy), but I have no idea what it might be like as he gets older.

Nessa,

We are still not sure about our future. I assume I would like to have a child before I turn 30 but then again - one doesn't always plan those kinds of things.

I know that he is not ready to make any further commitment with me at this point. On the other hand, I value my own (and his) freedom very much. Still, what I really want in our relationship is stability and some kind of a assurance that something constructive can come out of this.

But maybe I'm just stressing too much...

I agree with Nessa...there isn't much of an age gap with you two to speak of. Certainly don't stress over that.

I know that he is not ready to make any further commitment with me at this point.

Then why are you in this relationship. He's not ready for any more stronger committment then what he has now and you're thinking into the future of marriage and babies. Although you're doing a good job of playing down your needs to accommodate him.

Still, what I really want in our relationship is stability and some kind of a assurance that something constructive can come out of this.

I'm not sure what kind of committment you're referring to, or what exactly it is you think you want or need. You've been with him for a year, is not that committment enough...moving in together accomplishes nothing until you figure exactly what defines committment to you and if this ym is ready to give that to you. Decide what your needs are not your wants...we all have wants it doesn't mean we're going to get it...but decide what is it that you need right now and how you will go about getting it. Write it down, work it out on paper, write all your needs and then look at this ym and cross out all those attributes he's providing. Whatever you have left with, then decide if you can live with it or not...

...don't waste another day stressing over what you dont' have. Take action and take charge of yourself.

Paris

Thanks. Of course, I would like to stay with him for good, I am certain of that now. I wasn't sure for some time, but now I see that he is a very good person for me. The only problem that I see is that he is not as self-sufficient as I am yet - he is still a student.

We do have strong feelings for each other. And even though, I realise he is not ready to propose to me (he actually spoke about it once), and I don't expect this of him, or move in with me, I cannot leave him because I care about him too much. I don't want anybody else.

Nessa, you are right about valuing life as it is. This is one of the reasons I decided to stay with him.

Brynhild, how does your partner feel about having children in the future? Do you believe he would be keen? I think it's something you have to discuss with him.

For one thing, I don't think you should put a time limit on when you "should" have children. I mean, maybe he won't be ready when you're 30, but maybe he will be when you're 32, and that's great, because having kids when you're a little older is actually better. You're more patient and settled, and able to deal with the little monsters...I mean...DARLINGS, when they're coloring on your walls and ripping their soiled diapers off when you're trying to talk on the phone.

The fact that he's a student is a good thing. He has a future ahead of him. He can't do much else but focus on his education right now. Let him get through that first. I would imagine that once he graduates, he'll be able to focus more on his life with you and will be ready to live with you.

If I've learned ONE THING after being in an AGR for five years, I've learned that you can't change who they are. You have to let them be their age. They will be less experienced, they will be less financially secure (to say the least) and who knows if their minds will change about the relationship over time? Older men change their minds too, you see it all the time.

One thing I've noticed, is that people in these relationships long-term, seem to really try harder to see it through. I know that it's true of Robin and me. This is a delicate garden that we both tend and nurture with care. In five years, he hasn't indicated that he wants to be elsewhere (although sometimes he indicates he wishes I were elsewhere!! :D) If you think he's got what it takes, and only you know if he does, then stick it out awhile longer, give it a shot. You really don't have anything to lose, because even if it doesn't work out long-term, you experienced true love with an amazing man. You're by no means an old maid, you're still pretty young, so don't be in such a hurry. You still have time.

lapafrax,

He wants to have a large family. Obviously not in the nearest future. Also, I don't really believe he will be just as serious about having 5 children when he matures a little bit. Now that he is 20 he does have some maximalist ideas that he should have a large family. He also believes that people should have children early on - so he couldn't at first understand why I still don't have children. But I think it is somewhat 'theoretical' of him to say that, if he were actually faced with having kids, he would sober up pretty quickly. I would like to have 2-3 children, or - I would be happy with at least one. But certainly now I am not ready for it. I am worried that in a few years time, my biological clock may start ticking. He knows that very well, because we often are able to communicate and understand each other without words, but I don't think he is willing to face that. And I understand him, - he has all of his life ahead of him. In general, he is rather family oriented. It's just that I would feel a little more secure if he were at least 23. :)

Polly,

Thank you for your sound words. I don't really try to set a standard as to when I should have children, although I am a bit worried when I see all those women around me my age starting to have children (not many but some). I feel that my family, especially, my father (who by the way happens to be 6 years younger than my mother), is looking forward to me having a child some time. Of course, I realise it is my own life, but sometimes those pressures, especially, from some peers, aren't very pleasant.

The most difficult thing is the insecurity and unpredictability of the relationship. Although I know I should get over it and enjoy the relationship, because - I'm starting to feel that this may be the best romantic relationship I've had in my life, despite that it's only been a year and we are not living together. He is a very sweet guy, much nicer than my previous ones.

You are right about nurturing a relationship. I'll be trying to do that, and I also hope that he will realise on his part that he needs to take up some responsibility in terms of keeping us together.

Hi Brynhild and welcome to Agelesslove. I think you've gotten lots of sound advice from the other wise members who have posted already. I will only add that I think you should just go with the flow. There's no rush or need to make any decisions any time soon. Just relax and let the relationship take it's natural course. :)

Originally posted by Brynhild
lapafrax,

He wants to have a large family. Obviously not in the nearest future. Also, I don't really believe he will be just as serious about having 5 children when he matures a little bit. Now that he is 20 he does have some maximalist ideas that he should have a large family. He also believes that people should have children early on - so he couldn't at first understand why I still don't have children. But I think it is somewhat 'theoretical' of him to say that, if he were actually faced with having kids, he would sober up pretty quickly. I would like to have 2-3 children, or - I would be happy with at least one. But certainly now I am not ready for it. I am worried that in a few years time, my biological clock may start ticking. He knows that very well, because we often are able to communicate and understand each other without words, but I don't think he is willing to face that. And I understand him, - he has all of his life ahead of him. In general, he is rather family oriented. It's just that I would feel a little more secure if he were at least 23. :)

Well if he wants children, I see no evident problem. Though since he is a student, you have may have to wait until he has a career (or is generally settled in this life) until children become a possiblity. I wish you good luck though whatever happens. :)

I also hope that he will realise on his part that he needs to take up some responsibility in terms of keeping us together.
Dear heart, is he being distant or not telling you that he loves you? You just seem too insecure to have been in this relationship for a year. Even if this is the best relationship that you have had so far... it still may not be the best relationship that you COULD HAVE. There is something that you are picking up from him that is causing you doubts. Has it been that way all along or did this just start recently?

Originally posted by yellowrose
Dear heart, is he being distant or not telling you that he loves you? You just seem too insecure to have been in this relationship for a year. Even if this is the best relationship that you have had so far... it still may not be the best relationship that you COULD HAVE. There is something that you are picking up from him that is causing you doubts. Has it been that way all along or did this just start recently?

Thanks. No, there hasn't been anything specific, I suppose I've been rather shattered by my previous relationships (they were really intense yet ended with much heartbreak) and have a 'trust' prolem. I admit that I'm insecure, but this is to a large extent because of his age - I mean he is only 20, he can do whatever he likes, he doesn't really need any strings attached. My boyfriend is very sweet towards me, he is very stable, considerate, he does tell me he loves me and doesn't want anybody else, but this is just for now - there is no guarantee of that in a few years or so. Whereas I am at a point in my life where I want to start building something solid. Possibly. :) Although there are no guarantees in any relationship.

I consider all your advice very sound, in fact, one of the most beautiful things about being in a ow/ym relationship, is that we can enjoy our freedom. We don't really need to fret like I am :)