ephipany

Maybe it's the meds I am on from my surgery, maybe its all the veggies I'm eating, I don't know. But, I keep having these profound revelations. It's crazy!! Maybe...ohohohohoh maybe I'm not as stupid because I quit smoking??? (I noticed the first week that I quit smoking I had this blank stare and I felt stupid non-stop. I was afraid it was going to stay with me)


Whatever the reason, I just had this thought (yes another one)


Just because things are not going the way I WANT THEM in my relationship with my YM, does not mean they will always be that way. I think it was Dragonfly who mentioned that she had to realize to accept that her husband could not meet some of her needs right now. And it's okay to accept that. It's okay to tell my YM "okay, you can't give me what I need/want, that's fine". WOW that is weird, to let someone else have control and let myself give something up for the time being. If he where here instead of away at school, I think it would be more balanced, but because I want to be with him, I must sacrifice. It's so weird because I was brought up to never compromise my happiness, yet I am finding a loophole to that, because I know when he is done with school we will be together. Now, before I get 100 threads on how I should be happy with or without him, I am happy on my own, I estabilshed that 2 years ago with my soul searching. I know I am good on my own and I do have interestest outside of my relationship. When I say "compromise my happiness", i mean in comparison to my relationship with him.


oooooo, spooky thoughts, but they are making sense now.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes..........you get what you need."

Originally posted by sally
You may find that some of your NEEDS are a result of social programming or having sub-conciously bought into unrealistic romantic sentiments, which are shoved down our throats from a very early age, via Hollywood. Sure they make for an interesting story, but aren't necessary for the premise of an enduring relationship.

Sally,
I just saw this, I didn't get a notification of your reply to this. I can really appreciate what you are saying here. This is so very true. Sometimes I feel it all needs to be perfect or it's not worth it. How silly. Its funny, I am starting to realize what I can and can't live without. And I am also figuring out a way to structure myself around Dan's schedule and around what I need/want. And again, need/want is still a little gray but i am getting there!! Thanks Sally!!!

Needs and wants are an integral part of our psyches and the environments in which we were raised, have lived and worked, motivate those needs and wants. By nature, humans are selfish. Self-gratification is an ingrained thing, especially in America where everything is "get it now, get it now, the more it costs, the better it is". It takes reprogramming ourselves to accept others needs and desires - having children is usually the first major transition where this occurs because many times marriage doesn't seem to disuade the attitude. When I was married to the minister and we'd do counseling, there'd be these young married couples constantly whining about stupid things because they weren't willing to accept the other as they were and then work on those things that bothered them, needs and wants were a primary focus.

That said, fast forward to now. I don't think I would have ever quite understood the uneven plain of needing and wanting until Caden entered my life. Sometimes, we have to give up what we think we want or need in order to allow someone else to have the time and room they need to grow or adjust. This is THE hardest thing in the world and I still struggle with it from time to time because I've got issues myself. You don't get over a decade in an abusive marriage without some problems and many times I need emotions Caden is not capable of providing yet - BUT - he's starting and that's a major stride. He's attempting. He's sort of doing what I had to do in the beginning, take that step back and say, is what I'm feeling right now an absolute necessity? Is what I want something that is absolutely important and do I need it RIGHT now?? Or can I set it aside for a while in order to give the person I love the support they need? It's not an easy process and it's not something to enjoy.

We have to look inside ourselves and see what we're willing to give up for this person. At least that's how I look at it. I'm willing to give up a lot to help Caden get better. Susie is willing to wait, as hard as it is, for her husband to finish what he needs to get done. Kelley was willing to wait, and trust me, I remember, that was like SOOOOO hard for her to wait for Mr. Hedgey to arrive, but it was worth it when he did. We have to know ourselves, I think, know what we're capable of, what emotions we can deal with and can't, and then we have to ask ourselves, once again, what are we willing to give up for this person who means so much to us? What are we willing to divulge? To share? To hold onto? To hope? To allow? How willing are we to sacrifice certain emotions and the desires attached to them in order to see that the person we love gains what they need or want at that particular moment in time?

It's not easy, it may never be easy, but I think it's worth it in the end.

Originally posted by molly
We have to look inside ourselves and see what we're willing to give up for this person.

This has always been the hardest part for me. I am still not sure why I listen to others or let my friends dictate what is right or wrong. I need to figure out how to listen to myself and realize there is no right or wrong. The right or wrong can only be decided by myself.

Some wrongs are obvious. But when someone says they are going to call then they don't cause they were so swamped. I dont know...... I look at that as an "okay, no problem I understand, I know you have a lot going on", but my friends will tell me "He's walking all over you!!" It is so hard to shut out others opinions.

Trying to figure out what to take with me, to take to heart, and what to leave behind, that is the struggle I am having now. Sometimes I trust others because I feel they may see something I don't and even though I don't understand their reasoning or agree with it, I will still go with their opinion because I think well they must see this and I am so glad they told me. But, most times, those were the wrong decisions.

Red, sometimes I'm like that too. I have friends that I've known a lot longer than Caden, and in the beginning, it was sometimes hard to distinguish what was right - what I felt or what they said. It's hard now days because we all hear horror stories, we read them in magazines, in books, I used to live less than an hour away from that guy in KS who lured those girls over the net to his farm and killed them. . .so, you can imagine the horror stories I got, and most of them didn't even know about the PSTD.

The one person I did tell, was a friend who could relate because she suffers depression and mild pstd. Ironically, it was her that ultimately turned on me, telling me that Caden would dump me, he was too young, I was too old, too ugly while he was gorgeous, yada yada. . .the reality was that, many times, people are just jealous of our happiness and want to rain on the parade. Yes, sometimes a word is warranted, our friends can often see what we can't when we're in love, but when they're making up signs or scenarios where there are none, then you know that, ultimately, you need to listen to your gut - go with what you feel is right, not what everybody else feels is right.

Im not sure what PSTD is?

Im glad Im not the only one that gets confused with what friends or supposed friends say. And I'm glad you didn't listen to her and went with your gut about Caden!

It's crazy I have 3 close girlfriends, 2 of them (Katie & Shelly) are both friends themselves while 1 of them (Tiffany) is not close to anyone but me. Tiffany always gives me advice without me asking, and Katie and Shelly can't stand her and say she is telling me all this cause she is jealous of me and doesn't want me to be happier than her. And I hate to believe that, but I guess I do sometimes. I just know in my heart I could never do the same to her. But, maybe she is doing it unintentionally.

Anyways, I have been experimenting lately a bit. When an issue comes up with Dan that I would normally run to a friend for advice, I wait a day and think about it, and try to come up with my own conclusion, then if I am still in a rut I ask a friend. It is really helping me. The funny thing is I started this experiment on accident. I panicked one day and none of my friends were around so I had to deal with it myself. Which was hard and I do get panick attacks so I had to deal with that a bit. But I got through it and figured it out on my own. I formed my own strong opinion. I have to keep doing that instead of annoucing to everyone there is a problem.

I just looked it up, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. Im sorry to hear you suffer from this.

Thanks Red, honey, but I don't have it, Caden does, and believe me, it's NOT pretty. We go through volatile mood swings, moments of despondency and great pain. We've been through suicide attempts and major surgeries stemming from the attempts. And we've been working - together - on his in-depth therapy now for almost a year. We're not over the hill, but we're getting there, one day at a time.

Oh my gosh, I couldn't even imagine!! I just read a bit about it. It sounds like a nightmare that doesn't go away when you wake up.

I respect you for standing next to him through this and helping him. You are a very good person and must love him dearly.