Need to clear my head . . .

but I will gladly accept any feedback you have to offer. I wasn't sure where to post this, so if the mods need to move it, that's fine by me.

This might be a long one and if it makes no sense it is because I am trying to organize my thought in writing this.

G's mother lives in Greece. She usually visits once or twice a year. Which is fine with me, we get along really well and I would never want to deny G the opportunity to see his mother.
However, what I do have a problem with is the short notice that she gives us and the length of time that she stays: never shorter than 6 weeks! That is just too long for me. Call me selfish, but it really disrupts our daily routine and G and I spend very little time together when she is in town and it is just stressful all around.

Anyway, YESTERDAY I asked G "so, when do you think your mother will visit next?" he asked why and I replied "well, she is due to visit soon and I would just like to know so that I can plan for it." He was cool with that, he agrees that the notice is often not enough.
So, TODAY he tells me "I talked to my mom and she is trying to get here before the 31st."
Me: "oh, of November?"
G: "No, of this month."
:mad: :(

I am SO upset about this!!! I don't even know what to do with myself. G could tell I was upset, but I really wanted to cool off before talking to him about it, especially because he is very sensitive about his mother.

First of all, we don't live together right now, so whenever his relatives come, we literally get no alone time. He is moving on November 1st into the house that I will eventually move into with him. This is why his mother is coming before OCT. 31st, to help him move, which is really sweet of her, but I don't want her help! The plan was for the two of us to do it together because it is going to be OUR house. Now we will have his mother putting her two cents in and G is such a momma's boy that he would let her totally dictate if she wanted to. I know I must seem like such a brat right now, but I can't help myself!!!

The main reason that I am upset is because G and I recently went through a really rough patch in our relationship and things are finally getting to be really good again. The thing is, every time one of his relatives visit, I freak out and we argue a lot and things get rocky between us because it is JUST TOO LONG!!! 6-8 weeks is just too long to go without spending any quality ALONE time. I admit I enjoy spending time with his family, they are great people, but it does not qualify as quality time with G.

Am I being totally unreasonable? How do I handle this? How do I talk to G about it without seeming like I have a problem with his mother visiting? I don't want to come across that way because I am happy that they get to see eachother, but it is just too long.

hey there.......

moon... I can't say i've ever had these issues with my mother in law.. she lives in a different state and unfortunatly I don't believe she's going to be alive much longer :( I don't really know my mother in law very well... but Why can't you guys be alone? I mean over night maybe not but why can't you guys go out for dinner together or a movie.... does he have to be with her every min??? I would tell him that you are fine of course with his mother visiting but yOu want some time also...

I forgot to add that whenever his mother visits, G regresses to a lazy, spoiled teenager. The woman is so generous and kind. She cooks, cleans, does his laundry, you name it and the longer she stays the more ungrateful he gets and the more I dislike his behavior. This is one of the reasons that we argue when she is here. :mad:

hey Mer,

that's a good question that I don't have an answer for. I have talked to him about that part of it and he has said "well next time someone visits we have to make an effort to go out alone," but then it doesn't happen. He has suggested in the past that he feels bad leaving her because he only gets to see her once or twice a year.

I don't know, maybe I am overreacting . . . I am PMSing!:rolleyes:

nah moon your not over reacting....PMSing may get you more emotional than normal but don't think it's over reacting!!!!

I think if its for 6 to 8 weeks I think for askin for 1 night a week won't be a big deal :)

Mrs. HH, you are AWESOME!!! Thanks!
As for having your time out together, on the one hand, he DOES have a valid point.
I agree, this is a VERY valid point. As nice as the idea seems at times . . . in actuality I can't imagine seeing my mother only once a year. That's why this is such a sensitive area.

All of your advice really registered in my jumbled brain!
It's twice a year that mother gets to indulge son and I think it's fair to let him enjoy being pampered. (and then thank GOD you don't have to baby him all the rest of the year!!!!)

Especially that one . . . what a great point!!!:D

but i have to tell you that if she is here for 6-8 weeks he should make some time for you for dinner and out at least.

I know, you and the other ladies are right about this! However, dinner out alone won't happen because his mom lives for cooking! But a late night treat is a good idea! Like I said, we have talked about this part of it before, but now I am just going to have to demand it, darn it! :D


I'm guessing you've already seen My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding, right? LOL -- like all families, ya just gotta take the bad with the good.

I have seen it . . . and I have lived it my whole life! I grew up in a big fat Yugoslavian family and now I have a big fat Greek family! :rolleyes:

I'm taking a different stance than ALL of you! :D Hear me out, now...I'm not being a bad guy...

Did you ever see the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?" If you didn't, RENT IT! It'll explain a lot.

I've known a few Greeks in my life and been pretty close to them. One was an employer, a couple were neighbors, one was a co-worker. Greeks have a flavor all their own. I love them as people, I love their culture, but there's something you must understand. They are who they are, and there's NO CHANGING them!

Moon, you are having control issues. I know you guys are going to disagree with me here, but that's the simple fact. Moon feels completely out of control when G's mother visits. That's because G's mother has a need to be IN CONTROL when she visits. They spend the whole time inadvertently vying for control. G's mother will not give up, and she's G's mother...she's been in his life since he was born, and doted on him and loved and nurtured him into the wonderful person he is today. He turns into a teenager when she visits, because that's what makes her happy...to be his mother again and dote on him.

Our American culture is so different...we encourage independence and equality among women. A woman doting endlessly on a man is almost unacceptable, but where G's mother comes from, it's what defines her as a person. You are defined by the kind of wife and mother that you are. Greeks are very, very close too. You can't even contend with that bond. It is what has made them such strong people and so very proud.

Moon, you won't like this advise, but I am trying to help here. Please give way to his mother as much as you possibly can, even becoming subservient yourself. I know that sounds bizarre and goes against your every grain, but please try to do that. Six weeks a year is the biggest joy his mother gets. YOU get forty-six weeks!:) Let her knock herself out with the move. You can rearrange everything after she leaves. This woman LIVES for this stuff, and the more accomodating you are to her, the more she will love you and welcome you into their family, and I mean deeply love and accept you, not just on the surface. She knows it gets on your nerves, but she's not willing to compromise that part of herself, she feels she can't. She's older, she's his mother, she's coming from the right place in her heart, and this is one of the big joys left in her life.

Let her have that, and the rewards will come back to you TENFOLD! Trust me on this, I know what I'm talking about.

oh my it will be the sequel of my big fat greek wedding LOL

Polly!!! You are so right in so many ways! I think that I posted my comment about the big fat greek family as you were typing.

I know you aren't being the bad guy! I welcome all perspectives when it comes to advice! Where do I start?

As I mentioned, I am a first generation American. Both of my parents were immigrants from Montengro, which was once a part of the former Yugoslavia. Most people don't know much about our culture, so I will tell you. It is extremely close to the Greek culture. So, I know oh so well what you are talking about! And that is actually part of my problem.

Please give way to his mother as much as you possibly can, even becoming subservient yourself.
I naturally do this because it is engrained in me!!! And I think that is exactly why she loves me the way she does. G tells me that every time he talks to her she uses Greek terms of endearment to ask about me. But I digress.
Our American culture is so different...we encourage independence and equality among women.
This is the conflict. I mentioned in another thread that being a 1st generation American SUCKS and this is exactly why. Torn between two cultures. I have spent my whole life (I know only 26 years) trying to find a balance between the two cultures (with much resistance from my family) only to end up with a man who is from a culture just like the one I was trying to break away from. Go figure!!! It never ends!!! But seriously, G himself is pretty Americanized so our relationship has actually helped me find the balance I have been seeking.

This woman LIVES for this stuff . . . and this is one of the big joys left in her life.


You are right again! And I respect this and understand it, again, because I come from a culture so much like hers. Also, when G was with his ex-wife, his mother very rarely visited. She did when the kids were born and that was it. So I would never DREAM of denying her what she loves so much especially because she finally feels comfortable enough to visit her son and do all of those things that she lives for!

So, really Polly, you hit the nail right on the head. This is VERY cultural! It is a struggle for me as I continue to try and find balance between two cultures. It is because of the culture that I really want to be careful with the way that approach this topic.

There is so much to this whole situation and I was really not expecting to get into this part of it, so again, I apologize if any of it is confusing.

Mer- yes, we are definitely working on the sequel!

Well, I agree that dates in order for Moon and G to be alone are paramount! You know me...I ALWAYS advocate dating amongst commited couples.

Yes, this will be Moon's home, but putting her foot down and asserting herself over where the coffee maker will go isn't necessary. Let G's mom do what she wants, and in six weeks Moon can spend a day getting her house the way she wants it.

I think it's a blessing that G's mother even WANTS to visit for six weeks. Moon must be very dear to her, for HER to want to be around Moon that long. Six weeks is a long time for anyone.

Anyway, it sounds like Moon's ahead of the game at least having a clear understanding of G's culture and his mother's need to dote on him. A lot of women wouldn't even be able to grasp it.

Let G regress for those six weeks, and when she's gone, he can grow back up and become G again!:)

First, I totally agree with Polly here. Yielding is the right thing to do. Powerplay over the coffee maker's location isn't necessary. However, a quick talk with G about holding off on painting or wallpaper might be a good idea ;).

My former in-laws lived in Beijing. When they came to visit it was often with not a significant amount of notice and it was for fairly extended time frames too. Traveling across the world is difficult and expensive. Sometimes the ability to capitalize on a small dip in airfares necessitates shorter notices. When a loved one that lives extremely far away is finally able to make that trip, it just seems the smart thing to stay a bit longer.

Moon, my mother married a Greek man with two daughters at toddler age when I was four years old. Ever since that day, I have regarded him as my father (and they as my sisters)

What can I say...I love Greek food but the Greek women in our lives are an ethnocentric and interfering bunch. As for teh men...well my uncle's are in the 50-60 yo age bracket and they STILL live at home and get waited on hand and foot. These men don't easily give up that kind of treatment, much to the disgust of their Australian Girlfriends.

Mum tried hard for quite a number of years to `fit in' and deal with `the greeks'. I think the hardest part for her was their ethnocentric views, combined with inference from the Greek women in our lives.......his two sisters and his mother. Mum was always trying to make us feel like a connected and normal family, despite half of us being Greek and the other being quite nordic in appearance. But the Greeks were determined to treat us as separate. They would only recognise the birthdays of my sisters, and lavish them with gifts, whilst ignoring the rest of us altogether (we are family of six children). They also opposed just about all her decisions and judgements regarding the family and tried to gain custody of my two Greek sisters. This used to drive Mum nuts!

These and other struggles went on for about 8 years, and eventually Mum and Dad moved to the other side of Australia to get away from the constant tension. But I feel that they suffered for staying too long in that situation. For a start,my mother still harbours alot of resentment toward's Dad's inability to stand up to his family. She thinks of him as weak and as a kind of chamelian who changes his tune to suit whoever is in his presence. Also, my Dad didn't really start to learn any assertive skills until he had cut regular contact with his family. Now, he probably wont ever be Rocky, but he at least knows how to express a viewpoint now.

I don't know what i'm saying exactly...I guess perhaps I'm suggesting that you tread carefully, and guard against resentment. Also, the situation could get better if you both lived together, and you ha more say in the duration of the Mother's stay.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you. All the best!

Thanks Bella_D!

Gosh, I am sorry to learn of the trouble with your family. Ethnocentricity is just bad, bad, bad!
Fortunately for me, neither G nor his mother are ethnocentric at all. Now my family on the other hand . . .:rolleyes:

Also, the situation could get better if you both lived together, and you ha more say in the duration of the Mother's stay.

G and I both agree with you on this point (of course he might be saying that just to get me to move in with him :D). Not only do I feel I would have more say, but more importantly I can't help but think that I wouldn't feel the lack of quality time together if we were living together. Now don't get me wrong, I am definitely not going to go and shack up with him just for these reasons!

SHE'S HEEERRRRE!

You know, you CAN purchase bear traps online! :D

she got here last night and she is already packing his stuff up for the move . . . :mad: