our story......long post

I met a wonderful British guy online 3 years ago...... in the mist of ending my mentaly abusive 22 year marriage.
We started talking and right from the begining we clicked.I wasn't looking for for anything other then friendship.

I never fathomed that it was possible we could get together....not only because of our ages (him 21...me 41) but because we were in different countries.I never understood the whole falling in love through typing thing either??? lol

It was just nice to talk about my problems and to FORGET about them with someone who always seemed to be there for me.I thought he was fun,intelligent,kind,sweet and most of all sincere. (everything my soon to be ex husband wasn't)

As time went on I did start to have feelings for him (shock) but I still deemed it impossible so I dismissed it. He told me about a girl he had been writing back and forth with and I offered my advice and incouragement towards him developing a relationship with her,afterall she was in his country.I off-handedly said to him "if I can't have you,I want SOMEONE to!"....to that he replied... "why can't you have me?"

OMG what does he mean??IS IT possible???? It was a very intense moment for me.I dared to let a little fantasy play out in my head and I was happy as hell to find out he had feelings for me too.

fast forward..

He comes to visit me and it is nothing but happiness :)

He stays for 3 months and during that time we take a trip to Vegas to visit my brother and his girlfriend.

My honey is pretty shy (so am I).It's actually one of the many things I love about him! My ex was hell to be with because he was always trying to pull me into social situations kicking and screaming.

My intentions were good in bringing him to Vegas.I was comfortable with my brother and his girl.I thought he would be too....I wanted to share some of my happiness with the people I was closest to in my family.....BIG mistake!!

They didn't like him : ( How they came to the conclusion.... I'll never know....since he knew he was being judged right from the begining he was very quiet.....they really didn't get to know him at all.

They took me aside and trashed him......they jumped on everything from his weight (I like bigger guys) They said he wasn't social (yeh soo?) They said because I was his 1st (I love that!) he wouldn't stay with me (his Mum was his Dads 1st and they have been happily married for 20 + years),he has no money,no real work record,he couldn't possibly be a step-father to my 11 year old,he is using me etc.

My little happy bubble was a bit deflated.I dwelled on what they said and started to wonder about my judgement...afterall I had just come out of a terrible marriage....maybe I wasn't thinking straight?

I was pretty confused all of a sudden but we still got along great when we got home.

He asks me to marry him and I said yes (still confused but damn he makes me happy)

As the end of his 3 month visit comes closer I find myself wanting to change my mind. I want to say lets take it slower....I'm not sure.....so thats what I ended up telling him (1st time I break my best friends heart)

Once he's back in England I have a total melt down and try to break it off completely (heart break #2)

He does everything he can long distance to reconnect with me and to reassure me that what they say isn't true and that everything will be alright.Even his Mum talks to me and tells me that he his falling apart over this and that he really loves me.

I slowly come around and decide that I have to give this a chance and the only way is for me to marry him.It's not like I can date a guy that is on the other side of the globe.It's an all or nothing thing and I couldn't live with the thought of not giving it a try......even though I was scared.

So he comes back and we get married on my birthday : ) We have tattoo wedding bands done with intertwining arrows because they can never be taken off.....it's for life baby!!

My husband is naturally gifted with computers....so we decide that he should give freelance graphic/web design a go and help me to streamline my ebay business at the same time.

Months go by and we are blissfully happy with each other.

The Vegas people don't talk to me anymore and they have told the rest of my family thier views on the relationship so they have nothing nice to say about us.

I start to feel disconnected....why I don't know..... because other then my brother in Vegas I have never had a great relationship with anyone in my family.

Money worries start to creep in.....I'm not making enough to support the 3 of us and because it takes time to become established and get noticed in the business he was trying to start....he would do good one month and crap the next....although my ebay business was really improving because of him....it wasn't enough for me to feel secure financialy.

I could slowly feel a melt down coming on again..... no matter how hard I tried to fight it .....the negative seeds they planted in my head got ahold of me and I'm constantly on edge about money....I start to distrust his intentions.

I wonder if he's really trying or if he's looking for a free ride.

The subject came up many times and we would discuss it....for a little while I would feel reassured but unfortuantely not for long.

My husband is a very layed back....take it in stride...kind of person and I tend to be a bit of an alarmest at times (female *wink*)

He would tell me when he felt hurt by the way I was acting ....that if I really loved him it wouldn't matter how much he was making and if we ended up in public housing....so what!....at least we had each other.

In hind sight he meant that in the best possible way.....but to me (being paranoid at the time) it meant that he had no plans of ever contributing much....I needed to accept that we would have nothing and love him anyway?

I kept thinking that if he had a steady job (even low paying) I would feel better BUT the proper forms for him to legally work had never been turned in because the bank had never sent a statement we needed,money had to be sent with the forms and because we were so sure that his web business would take off....but somehow at the time,I saw it as all his fault and another indication that he didn't want to work because... if he had....he would have made sure the paper work was sent in.

To make a very long story....not all that short....the pressure got to me,I went bonkers and asked him to leave and not all that nicely either (heart break #3)

He tried to make me reconsider although I think by this time he was growing tired of trying to convince me to trust him and sadly he went back to England after 1 year of marriage....THE END :(

I went on my with my life.....foolishly thinking that I wouldn't miss him and that everyone was right about him.

It went ok at 1st but slowly I got hit with the worst bout of depression I have ever expierenced (I've had a few) It seems I went back and relived my whole life and all the hurts I expierenced.... all the reasons I didn't trust easily and I didn't like who I had become because of it.

I mainly seemed to dwell on my 1st marriage and all it's MANY issues that I never faced because I jumped so quickly into a new relationship.

I found some answers for myself while searching the web one night.....my 1st husband was a narcassist.The on-going effects of being with someone with that personality disorder is exactly what I had been going through......including trust issues because a person with this disorder can mouth the words "I love you" yet they are incapable of feeling it so....it's basicly a lie.I lived for 22 years very confused by what love is supposed to feel like because of it.

Now I'm not saying that the circumstances with my 2nd husband wouldn't raise some red flags with anyone but I couldn't see why I became soooo paranoid.....and completely lost sight of all the good that I knew we shared.Afterall I don't take marriage lightly (22 years of misery) why the hell did I give up so easy this time.It seemed so wrong that I reacted the way I did.

One of the side effects from my months of soul searching and depression is that I ate up the rest of my meger savings and barely made a penny...so there I was...flat broke....ready for public housing?? With NO ONE by my side (how ironic)

He has been gone for close to a year now.Many things in both our lifes have changed.....but we never stoped talking everyday since he left (well off and on at first)

He has been working full time since he got back to England.He knows his part in the problems we had (being a bit to layed back).I have recovered from the depression,with a clearer perspective,a heart that aches for what we had....the totally realization that my family doesn't keep me warm at night and they can kiss my *** if they don't like my choices!

I truely think that God gave us a practice run that 1st year and if we get back together we will get it right this time!!... with a deeper understanding,a deeper love and most of all unfailing TRUST on my part.

Afterall.....this man has stood by me for 3 years now and proven to me in so many ways that it was ...absolutely right... for us to get those tattooed wedding bands.

Thats the good news!!
Ok...ya ready for the bad news? Because he left the country without the proper forms (advanced parol?) he has been banned from setting his foot back in the good ole US of A for 10 years :(

He has an appointment in London with the best imigration lawyer in the UK to file a waiver that will allow him to return...ummm maybe????

pray for us you guys....we really need it.

thanks for the response :) I agree with you to a degree.

I don't think I have an "ongoing" impulse problem though.I mean I haven't acted impulsively in the past.

I think I went through an especialy rough time over the last few years and yes .....I made some impulsive decisions about this relationship but I don't feel that I am incapable of making my mind up and sticking with things long term.I did it for 22 years with an idiot....after all.I just wasn't ready for this relationship and unfortunately because he is from a different country it wasn't like a normal marriage where a couple seperates for a few months until they realize they belong together dispite the problems and get back together.

I totally have to disagree that "we" have a problem though because he has been sure right from the get go about US.I have had the problem all on my own.

I do believe we can come out of this with a great marriage.It's so hard to explain all the circumstance and to give you an acurate picture but when we get beyond all of this (and we will one way or another) ...I know in my heart it's for life.

oh I wanted to mention a bit about whats been done to resolve the issues.

First of all like I said....the months of soul searching on my own and learning that the way I felt and the way I was acting....... was actually normal (having been with a narcasist).....did alot for my self esteem and helped me to realize that I didn't trust my own judgement because of it.....BUT I SHOULD.

I think it may be hard for anyone that doesn't know the dynamics of that type of relationship to understand but I do because I lived it and thank God my husband has been learning about it right along with me because he helps me trust again.

I started seeing a therapist and I got on anti-depressants which also helped me tremendously.

I started working full time after being self employeed for many years and although I'm not crazy about what I am doing....I do think it's good that I've picked myself up by my boot straps and I'm doing what I need to do without anyones help and I'm relatively happy.......what that says to me is that I don't NEED a relationship but I WANT one with my husband because I love him.

I started reading the bible and restored my faith in God and believe with all my heart that ALL of this is happening for a reason and once you are married it should be for life......for better or worse......richer or poorer.

I've resigned myself to the fact that my family may never accept our relationship......I don't care!!

In other words I'm starting to see things from my husbands point of view :)

He has taught me so much and he's soooo young....it amazes me.

Hi Mrs.Joneslot. I'm glad that you posted your story. Anyone who has never been involved in an international relationship will have difficulty understanding all the dynamics. We have a unique situation compared to those relationships that form locally. We have very limited options. We can either choose to walk away from them forever, or take the immigration route. UNLESS, we are financially secure enough to be able to afford travelling back and forth. If you're like me, that travelling option is not an option at all.

I am engaged to a Romanian who I met online. After knowing each other a year, and being in an online relationship for 5 months, he proposed to me on my first visit to meet him.

Now, I consider myself an intelligent, professional woman. It's not like I'm clueless... I know that there's a possibility my impending marriage won't work at all. But, I figure that my chances of success are never guaranteed anyway. So, why not take this one and only option that is available to us?

So, anyway, my point is, I know why you made the decision that you did to marry him. Because I am in the very same boat. I decided that I loved him so much that it was worth giving it a chance, knowing full well that there's a possibility it won't work. I don't think that travelling back and forth was going to convince me of what I already knew about him.

So, I took that leap and am giving it a chance, knowing that there's always the possibility it may end in divorce. But, that's no different than any other relationship that you form locally. Love and marriage are truly about taking a leap of faith and trying your best to make it work.

It is a shame that he did not file the advance parole paperwork, but I suppose at that time you both must have felt there was no hope for your relationship. After all, you told him to leave and he left. Why would he fill out paperwork thinking he was never coming back? So, it's a tough situation and I really hope that his waiver is approved. But, as I'm sure you have thought of, you may now be forced into considering moving there for several years. And, it may just be what you need to do to further help you break from your past. Just something to consider.

I think the most important thing to come out of all of this is what you have learned about yourself in the past 3 years. And, that may very well be his purpose for coming into your life... to help you sort that out.

I will be thinking of you both and praying that his waiver is approved. No one knows better than me how difficult it is being away from your loved ones.

I am just going to put my two cents in here. It just seems as if you got two life processes going at the same time, but also seem to be recovering.

Most people take time to review and heal on the other side of a marriage (good AND bad). It's a healthy thing to do before going on to the next relationship.

And then, I AM aware about "a connection", as anyone around here knows ... I speak of them all the time. When we meet a "soulmate" online or off, I believe it sticks and sticks and sticks no matter what happens. I myself have experienced this several times in my life. I believe that might have been what happened with you and your husband. And it's truly a wonderful thing.

But unfortunately, the time of ending your marriage and finding your soulmate were not exactly the best, as you well know now. So it seems to me, that as well as you need to resolve your feelings for your ex and get on the other side of that, you have still maintained a reasonable relationship with your husband. At least you are not just sitting there doing nothing ... you are wise enough to seek counseling and work through what you might have done prior to meeting your husband (if it had gone that way - but you're doing it now), and he has thought some things over as well. I'm sure you could not relate all that the two of you have learned in the last year. You are working on you and he is working on him. And, after all that time apart ... love has prevailed! Good for you.

And I also believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in faith and also KNOW that when we "go with the flow" of what our God has for us, it will always work out the way it should ... and always for our good (sorry for those not affiliated, but I calls them the way I sees them, lol). And I guess I have to say that because of you both seem determined, because of your expert reasoning to get a counselor, and your husband's evaluation about what his part of all this was ... I believe you two will work this all out and be together ...

I will also pray that the papers for him to come back are swiftly and magically (and yes, I believe in miracles, lol) "fixed" and you two can be together again ... and live happily ever after. As I have discovered, there's always a way to do something ... we just have to figure out what it is ... :)

Make no mistake about my pie in the sky attitude. I am aware of the difficulties with which you are faced, but I also have seen such unsurmountable difficulties easily fixed and/or wiped away with simple faith. See yourselves to gether and happy and it will come to pass.

The best to both of you ...


princessdy

A ban is a REALLY hard thing to get lifted! Hit visajourney.com for help there. If I were you... I'd go to England. :)

Ummm, see??? That's exactly what I'm talkin bout ... lol. OF COURSE IT'S DIFFICULT ... but not with faith and God ... I've seen absolutely IMPOSSIBLE situations turn to the good ... tons of them in fact.

Besides, there isn't EVER just ONE way to get something done ... that is if we stay open ...

Come on along for the postive belief for this situation Marcy, lol. It's not a bad way to go. :)

Besides, what can it REALLY hurt to think positively and be open to the multitude of possible solutions to this separation???

princessdy :D

Well I am open to the "multitude of possible solutions to this separation??? ". However, I do know a thing or two about international relationships ;). I am going through the k-1 process myself. A ban is an EXTREMELY difficult thing to get lifted. If she loves her husband and wants to continue to give this thing a try... well England is not third world you know... thats a possibility for her. Its a heck of a lot easier to go there, then it is to come here.

I seriously do not think I'm being overly negative here, realistic perhaps, but not overly negative.

I didn't say you were being overly negative! How did you get that???

I am speak of spiritual things and know the power thereof ... simply. It's not for everyone, but I believe (and have seen it happen first hand) that faith can move mountains of all sorts. Reality is NOT faith but of course faith does take reality into consideration as just that ... what you see. Don't mean to get too deep into this, but I am believing and quoting Hebrews 11:1 which says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." And there you have it. A simple but profound truth. The one that moves mountains if one can but believe ... :) Sorry all, bible lesson over, lol.

It just seems that if they leave things open there are many things that can happen to resolve the separation as I said. And sure, I suppose moving to the UK is one option, but certainly not the only one. :)

Just ONE way to look at things ... just saying ...

princessdy

Fair enough...

DOUBLE deal good ... :D

NOW, where do you see me saying that faith is having our own way??? My goodness.

If you read my posts carefully, you will see that I use words like be open to what is available for resolution for all she spoke of. And, for the record, I just happen to think that because these two have come to this point that it is more probable that they will be together than not in the end. I suppose if you do not come from that perspective, it could appear that I said what you said ...

Irregardless, it's just ONE way to look at things. I didn't mean to make this a religious thread ... Gesh ... we could easily make this the longest thread in history if we were to ask what faith is to everyone, lol.

INTREPRETATION IS THE KEY to God, faith, and all that is concerned with that topic ... And everyone believes and sees differently. And that's REALLY OK. Didn't mean to do anything but give her hope that this is something that CAN be worked out and if she believes ... for the good of all ... simply.

You all are more than welcome to your own intrepretation of faith. Please don't pick mine apart word by word. This, just a very brief overview of mine to help someone in the midst of what seems to be a change for the better in her relationship.

:cool:

England might be a fresh start. If your not close to your family, but he is close to his, you can integrate into his family!:) I love Robin's family. Mine is very small, and I don't even have any nieces or nephews, just one brother I don't talk to who will never have children, and two parents who are aging and off doing their own thing. I love Robin's neices and nephews, they are my heart, and I love when we go over to his dad's house for Holidays. If Robin lived in another country, I'd have no problem following him. I'd miss my friends, but I'd make new ones.

The money thing. It really sucks. Robin and I have been going through financial difficulty practically from the day he moved in. He worked for two years before he started working with me (I'm self-employed) but never made much money. When he started working with me, things were great, I had more business than I could handle. After 9/11, I lost at least a third of it, and more people lost their jobs and started up cleaning businesses like mine. The competition went from hardly any to overwhelming! We were never able to recover from that. To make matters worse, he couldn't find a steady job. He'd get one, work for awhile, and then get laid off. He does manual labor, light construction, etc.

I started to feel like you did, that he just wasn't trying hard enough. We had some big arguements about it, but we finally came to the conclusion that we didn't want to break up, money was our only problem, and we were going to have to work like a team to fix it.

Robin decided to start his own handyman business and still try to find a job until it took off. He never did find another job, but his business is taking off. We aren't out of the woods yet, but we'll get there. The thing we have to remember is, these young guys don't have a handle on the job market like we do. They lack experience and most of all, the confidence to sell themselves to people. I taught Robin the firm handshake and direct eye contact. It seems silly, but it's little things like that that help sell a person.

He has no problem working hard. He has a problem with bidding jobs and paperwork. That's where I come in. I can do that stuff, I can call the customers and set up times for him to come out and bid a job (he hates talking on the phone) and get directions. I'm his secretary, and I don't mind that a bit. In exchange, he still helps me clean, I get my work over with in a fraction of the time it would take to do it alone, and I can focus on other stuff. It's all about teamwork!

As far as faith, I know from talking to Dy many times at length about this subject, that she's onto something. It was one of those conversations that literally saved me from hopelessness, when I was diagnosed with Scleroderma. At the time, my faith had fallen by the wayside. Dy helped me find it again. Her faith is amazing, and contagious. She said, "Polls, I feel that this is a test for you. I really feel that you will be okay, but you have to trust God." For the first time in YEARS, I prayed. I prayed for God to make me okay, for my kids' sake, I prayed for us to somehow find money to make it through our difficulties, and I prayed for Robin's and my relationship. EVERYTHING worked out! Just like Dy said it would. My specialist said, after a series of tests, that my disease was a limited form. The money we needed literally fell into our laps from a kind person we didn't even know. Our relationship weathered the storm and we are stronger for it. Now, as Robin's business takes off, we are hopeful and optimistic.

So, yes, faith can be many things to many people, and God can only help those who help themselves, but finding your faith in the first place, recognizing it, and turning yourself over to God's will, DOES open up doors and new possibilities. When you turn the burden over to God, it frees you up to really SEE what you can make happen for yourself.

The only thing that would be a consideration about moving to England if it were ME would be the 11-year old daughter. I was in a relationship with a man from Sydney before my YM -- and he BEGGED me to move to Australia to be with him. I just couldn't uproot my daughter and drag her to the other side of the world, when all her friends and her Dad were here. She and her Dad don't even have the greatest relationship in the world. And yet, I couldn't do it. He couldn't move here for the same reason - he has a son there. So we were at a stalemate and nothing could be done about it. I don't care how much you love someone, your own flesh and blood count for WAY more than that....

That's at least how it worked for me, anyway.

I hear you. I have 4 kids and I have not even considered relocating to Canada because of all the very reasons you stated. However, moving overseas isn't the very worst thing that ever happens to a kid, in fact it might actually be a really experience expanding thing for them. I dunno... so far I'm lucky in that Smiwi will likely be able to enter this country on the k1, but if not... I can't say that I wouldn't consider relocating to Canada.

Not to hijack or change the subject, but I'd like to address something regarding Dy's and Polly's post. I agree with them 100% when it comes to faith, and not because I used to be married to a minister. Sadly, though, Amina, many times we're put in the position of having to defend what we believe because a lot of times, even with friends and family, those of us that believe in God and faith and grace get treated like we're idiots for what we believe. This, in a way, is truly ironic, but we're not discussing religion here, it's way too incindeary.

I love you guys *hugs*

I have been coming here to ageless for a long time...although I have never posted until now.I do feel I have a sense of who you are by reading sooo many of your posts.I'm really happy to be getting your opinions.....positive or negative :) because I admire so many of you for your strength and courage...so first off...thank you for taking the time to respond to me :)

We definitely have a plan B and that is moving me to England.The 1st time we really saw that as an option.....It seemed like the perfect idea because I really have nothing holding me here except my daughter and amazingly she has had a life long dream to live in Europe someday.She is 14 now (on Sunday) she is been an avid reader since she was little and sees herself becoming a writer...living in an area of the world that inspires her.She has always ranked top in the country,year after year in English (the last test was off the chart and every other subject is way above average also) She writes beautifully........so it's not that far fetched that she will indeed fulfill her dream.

If we move and she becomes a duel citizen she could have the best of both worlds at her disposal and she is all for it but she would really like to wait until she is out of high school before it happens.My ex has already said the only way he would approve is if she stayed going to school here and lived with us in England during the summer.My daughter and I are very close and the thought of us being apart for that long each year would be very hard for both of us and I really don't want to leave her under her fathers sole influence for that long.The evil *money* comes into play again because it would be very expensive to move etc etc.
All of this has been thought through and discussed between the 3 of us and we feel that the best thing for everyone.... at this point is for him to come back here (if possible) If he can't then we will take another look at plan B at that point.

My husband and I talk about waiting the 3 + years (she may graduate early) for us to move there, if need be....without any hesitation.He also says if worse comes to worse he will be back in 10 and I can visit him there in between (how realistic is that?)......my point is.....we belong together and we will do what it takes to make things right.

I understand many of your points thatgirl and they are well taken.Unfortunately hind sight is 20/20.I shoulda woulda coulda doesn't get us anywhere now....what I have written about our relationship only scratches the surface of a very complex set of circumstances....how can I articulately convey our truth in a few paragraphs when this has slowly taken place over 3 years (over my whole life really).We talked for hours everyday since the day we met and were totally honest with each other from the begining.We didn't overlook anything about our future.....it was all discussed but I was standing on shakey ground mentaly....I knew that....he knew that..... but we went ahead anyway because there was no money to travel back and forth.We couldn't have a "normal" relationship.....it was either move ahead and get married or move on.



I messed things up royaly........period!! No excuses......but our relationship has evolved in spite of it and we are still standing......I believe we have lived through more and gotten to know each other better in 3 years then some couples do in a lifetime.....so in some wierd way I feel blessed that it all came down this way.Afterall for the first time in my life I feel loved unconditionaly........thats huge for me.

I have the kind of faith that believes nothing is impossible :) A waiver being granted isn't out of the question (it does happen) My husband is saving to get the best imigration lawyer in the UK.....aside from that there isn't much we can do but pray and love and support each other from across the globe.

oh btw I LOVE my husbands family...they came to visit and we got along great..... I cried my eyes out when they left.....although I think they understandably changed thier opinion of me a bit when I sent him away.....they are slowly coming around because it's obvious....after almost a year..... that we still love each other and I'm deeply sorry for hurting him.So yes that would be great to be around suportive caring people.To be honest my family sucks :(

There is so much more to this story that I've had to come to terms with.

I've been worried about money all this time with a Mother watching from a distance who has plenty of it to pass out.She has been adviced by her lawyer to give away tens of thousands of dollars this year to her kids (me and 3 brothers) but guess what ?...my brothers will recieve thiers but I won't :( She says I'll get mine in a few years....she made some lame excuse why but I have to believe it's because.....she doesn't approve of my choices in a mate....the fire being fueled by Vegas I'm sure.. (she's never met him)

So here I am working everyday (no day off) to pay my bills....and this carrot is being dangled before my eyes.If I drop my husband....I do believe my life will become financialy easier.

It just all seems so ironic I'm not sure why but it's like I keep having to choose between money and love.

I made the wrong choice last time (a bit) of money came between us....now I'm 100% choising love over thousands.

It's not inconcievable that I will be written out of my mothers sizeable will because of it but I KNOW whats important in my life now and I don't care.

to funny....umm kind of :(

I've seen a lot of British waivers sail thru without a hitch. I think their one of the fastest to process and I haven't seen any denials thru London either. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you
Hang in there.

I got this post from an imigration site that has been very informative.

It's a bit difficult to sort through all the information but it makes me feel more hopeful :)

There are lots of success stories on this site :) and lots of information about how to go about showing extreme hardship and the proper documentation that needs to be filed.I think we have a very good chance as long as we cross our T's and dot our I's. :)


Thanks to everyone who welcomed me *hug*

There ya go ... see??? I love it when we find good news (ie hope, lol) ...

:D