handling criticism

hey everyone...
i'm new here...and i'm stoked about this site. i'm 21 and for the past 4 months i've been dating someone who's 46. i love this guy with all my heart. he's my first love, my soulmate, my best friend...everything. and i've slowly been revealing him to my friends...very very slowly. its one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. everytime i tell someone new about him i get laughed at and teased. how did/do you guys cope with all that? i know i shouldn't care what others think about me, but its really harder than it seems.

I think you wiil see that your friends, if they are true friends, eventually get over it. It's your family who you will have the hardest time convincing this is the guy for you. It's bad enough when it comes to parents, no one is ever good enough for their baby... but when there is a huge age difference sometimes they just aren't supportive.

I know when I told my dad about the guy I was dating (I was 24, he was 51) I casually forgot to mention how old the guy was... I would tell my dad things about him and for a while my dad seemed interested in meeting him. I began to get a false comfort that my dad would understand that the age difference didn't matter. However it was my sister who told my dad about the age of the man I was dating and then my dad's attitude changed. Now I know I would have been better off telling my dad in the first place because hearing second hand was bad enough, and being that it wasn't something he wanted to hear made it worse.

I'm sad to say the tension of my relationship not being accepted by my father or my sister was too much for me to deal with and I ended it. I hope if you are truly in love, you stick with it and try to show others how happy you are so they will understand.

When Sandy (60) and I (30) started dating 5.5 years ago, I didn't mention his age to anyone. I did let them see that I was happy and talked about the relationship without revealing his age. I figured that if people knew his age they would automatically judge without knowing him. As he met my friends, I would get the occasional "how old is he", but more often than not, no one said anything. They already knew based on what I told them that I was happy.

I know what you are saying. the whispers, the stares, the rude comments. I have been through it. I was 18 and my now husband, was 37 when we started dating. It just seemed to go away when everybody realized that we were going to be together. It hurts alot when people make comments. I cried almost everyday when people made rude or just plain stupid comments about our age gap realtionship. Finally, I just shut the comments out and ignored what people said but, I will admit, it was very hard. I don't hear comments anymore but, i am sure that people wonder when I am with my husband if he is my husband or my father.
As I got older (33) it didn't seem to bother me much. I lost a lot of friends and gained a bunch of new ones. My friends that i knew when i was younger, most of them married and divorced once or twice. My new friends happy and accepting of me even though most of them are older than me but, we have one thing in common, children and a wonderful husbands.

Good luck. It gets easier as your realtionship grows. Make sure you follow your heart and not others hurtful words or ideas.

I guess we all have to deal with the comments, sideways looks, etc...
Believe it or not, my parents were the quickest to accept us! My friends were worried at first, assuming that he was acting out all those cliches (taking advantage of my innocence - pah!, using me for the obvious, etc) - and of course his friends probably assumed all the other cliches (that I was "doing it for the money", or the power, social advantages, etc).... But they soon realised how happy we were, and are!


It's the reaction of strangers that I find the hardest to cope with. All the time, we encounter people who haven't had time to "get used to us" (which is ridiculous really). Most are fine, but we've had people screaming abuse at us on the street. Very hard to cope with.

Like others have said - your happiness is the most important thing. And being able to discuss everything openly with each other makes things a little easier.

Reviving an old thread in hope to wake up the weekend crew

Though Ms. A and I don't particularly date anymore, I found alot of critisism from most women at my job when we've discussed past relationships. We were on our break one evening and I was sitting at a table with 2 women, one 21 (a year younger than A at the time) and the other about 30. Neither one liked the fact that someone my age (39 at that time) could have an on/off love relationship with a 22 year old woman. Sure, they stressed their opinions about it and the older one even claimed that when a man dates a younger woman, it shows his immaturity and lack of adulthood.

I simply told her, "I'm sure that if you ever fell for a man who is 15 or more years older than you, most people would have a different look towards you. But it's your heart that tells a different story. Therefore, love has no age limit just as long as it's legal."

Just noticed that this is an old thread. I thought it was a new person at first. Chosen1, you're very tricky.

When people see me with my older friend (we're not really dating yet) they look amused or sometimes puzzled or occasionally shocked. No real criticism, but it's early days yet....

Hi All! My OM & I, too, have been subjected to glares from the public.
For me, I felt it was the 'YW with OM probably for his money'.
However, my OM likes to kid around & say that he has the better side of the coin cos other OM are looking at him & saying 'lucky bastard - what does she see in him that I don't have'.....

I am 24 (nearly 25) and my new fiance' is 40 (nearly 41). I kept my relationship from my parents for over 2 years as they are very old fashioned and made their feelings clear that they dont approve of age gap relationships,
I recently told my Parents and left them a letter to explain how I felt etc when I left. Turns out they already had an idea and they took it better than ever imagined...but are 'not happy' about it.
Now all I have to do is wait a bit before breaking the engagement to them! Im exstatic however I know my parents wont be but will have to come round to the idea one day!

I think it comes down to compatibility, and bonding. I have seen same age couples who fought like crazy over money and social lives. Older men and younger women might work out well if the young woman is rather mature in her outlook on life. She might prefer to stay at home a lot, and so might her older man. My reply to the "nay sayers" would be : "His wisdom, generosity and sense of humor are very hard for me to find in a younger man."

Older men can generally handle responsibility/bills better because younger men are getting established (not a criticism of YM by any means). It amazes me when friends say "Well, at least the old dude will die, and leave you all his money, so hang in there for that." It strikes me as a shallow thing to say. Maybe that "old dude" makes her feel like a princess. And he might outlive HER, or throw her off fo a younger woman. You never know.

I agree with the others. Don't mention his age right away when talking to people. Instead, hit his strong points and what you have in common.

With my SO, I started by telling my family/friends facts about him that show we have stuff in common and why I like him...

1) He's a medical doctor and successful businessman. (I'm a lawyer.)

2) He's a mountaineer and marathoner, and I struggle to keep up with him. I'm also athletic and outdoorsy at less superhuman, but we spend lots of time climbing, training, running together, etc. Plus....a lifetime of exercise has given him a fantastic physique!

3) We are both avid readers...he of history, me of science, and both of us read about current affairs. Neither of us watch T.V.

4) We both love to travel a lot. He has lived and still travels all over the world, for work and leisure.

5) He loves to cook...and I love to eat!

6) Family is very important to both of us. He's a very involved dad with his three kids (I don't mention how old they are yet).

7) He loves my daughter, and we all have fun hiking, climbing, skiing, and cooking together.

And...oh yeah...he's almost 30 years older than me, and has 3 grandkids. His kids are about the same age as me. But those facts come last!

Obviously people (esp. family) are going to have concerns about the age difference....some are valid. But if you can tell them things that show that you two genuinely compatible and have things in common, people will accept it.

But...you need to be able to laugh with people...and with each other...and take some gentle teasing with good grace.

I've said before, if you feel comfortable in your relationship and act as if it is totally natural (which it should be), people will generally pick up on that and accept it.

hun you have to be thick skinned..

What I tell them is this being the OW in ours

No I did not rob the cradle I shook the bed
NO I did not chase him HE chased me
NO I do not see our age differance and its really sad that you do


you have to just ignore them OR just plain out tell them..If you were truly my friend you would not be laughing and making fun of someone I love and care about I would never do this to you...and WALK off...When I said that..they SHUT UP

As I read through these posts, I can't help but to be moved and a bit angered at all of the intolerance and lack of acceptance of a perfectly legal, morally acceptable (according to every religious doctrine on the planet) relationship.

.... days later.
Ok, time has cooled me off. I get carried away when I read this stuff because of how emotionally I was into the age-gap struggle in my single days. I still get indignant when I read about disapproval of it. People are who they are, and you can't change them. They think what they think, rightly or wrongly. The answer is to keep doing what you believe is the right thing (not necessarily what feels good), and if being with the other person really is right, then truth will win out in the end and those who love you truly you will support your choice.