older woman younger man

:( I am an older woman in love with a much younger man. I am 32 and he is 19. I know he cares about me and he says that he doesnt care what others think about us, but he can't seem to talk to me about how deeply he cares if in fact he does care that deeply. We have been seeing eachother for 1 1/2 years now and it seems that the longer we are together the harder it is to be together. His family DOESN'T approve at all and so he trys to hide us from them and everybody else. He says he misses me when I'm not around, but do I believe that or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear? If he didn't care alot why would he keep hanging on why wouldn't he just walk away. I am so confused and sad because I love him dearly. Thanks for listening.

Originally posted by sad_in_love
If he didn't care alot why would he keep hanging on why wouldn't he just walk away.

Hmmmm . . . sex, maybe??

I'm going to move your post over to the other side of the boards, so you can get more responses from older women with younger men.

Im sorry that your hurting and your sad. These relationships sure can be difficult at times. My b/f was 18 and I was 32 when we met....so I have been in your situation somewhat. We both hid our relationship for the first 6 months, although I don't think he would have cared if everyone knew.

I was the one who did not want to go public. I was very very worried about what everyone would think, most of all my family and my children. I wanted to make sure that it was actually going to be something serious and long-term before I rocked the boat, so to speak.

Looking back on it now, Im not sure why I was so concerned with what everyone would think.....because it truly does not matter, but I was so worried. It took six months for me to tell my immediate family, and even longer for me to tell people like my neighbors and people in the community. It was NOT because I did not love him, because I did. And I knew my not telling my family and friends was hurting him, but I still didn't do it.

He thought I was embarassed to be seen with him in public, and it wasn't even that so much. I was worried about his friends making fun of him for being with me....etc. Anyhow, I am over it now, and everyone and their dog knows about us...and its not so bad at all.

As far as if he cares about you or not, you said that he tells you he does. Does he ever say he loves you? Is that more what you are looking for? I don't know enough about your situation to really even voice an opinion about how much he cares for you or why he stays. I can say that I went through some concerning moments a few years into my relationship, and my mother said..."Jody, no-one hangs around 2 years for just sex". Actually, she worded it a bit different, but that was the jist of it.

My family totally thought he stayed with me at first because it was easy sex or for money (of course, now I am broke most the time, so I sure HOPE that wasn't the reason..lol). We have been together 4 years now....

Anyhow, I sure feel for you, and I hope you get to feeling better. Welcome to Ageless.

Hi and welcome to agelesslove. No wonder you're confused if he's telling you one moment that he doesn't care what others think, but the next he's telling you that he does care and is hiding you from his family and friends. :confused:

There are many other women here on the forum, including Jo who posted above me, that have experience in relationships with men who are at or near the age of your b/f. They can speak much better than me about the dynamics of having a relationship with a person who is just beginning to find their place in this world. My b/f turns 28 next Friday. So, the dynamics of our relationship are not the same as what you are experiencing.

But, I think that the women here who ARE in relationships with VYM will tell you that for every relationship with a man that age that has made it, there is another that has not. I think it takes a very strong woman to be in a relationship with a man that age, and I admire all of you.

But, since I joined this forum a year and a half ago, I have observed that one thing that tends to be an issue in any age gap relationship is when one partner is reluctant over a long period of time to tell his/her family and friends about their partner. Who wants to be hidden? If my b/f hid me from his family and friends, I would feel very unimportant and our relationship wouldn't have lasted this long.

I'm not clear if your guy lives at home or independently. Maybe if he lives at home, he feels he still has to live by his parents "rules". If that's the case, maybe he should begin looking for his own place so he can feel more independent? Maybe if you give us more details, we can help offer more advice regarding that.

Then, there's the issue of him not telling you how he feels. Maybe that's because he doesn't really know? Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a very long talk. If you are unhappy in this situation, you'll continue to be so unless things change. You both need to define your relationship and come to some agreements that you both can live with.

Best wishes to you. I hope that everything works out for you. :)

I am in a relationship with a vym. I am 36 and my guy is 19. We have been together since April 2003. We are looking to be married in January/February timeframe.

I feel for you honey. These relationships are not for the weak. They take incredible resolve and commitment from both partners. I have seen many successful relationships, but I have seen many fail as well. I strongly suggest that the "hidden" component appears to be a very big factor in the failure of these particular relationships. It is important to be accepted by family/friends (yours and his) and out of the closet so to speak.

So far, and lord knows its early in my relationship, we have not had any of these issues. However, let me say that we are both completely open and honest with our family and friends. We are enjoying the complete acceptance by them. I think having constant pressure from those that you love and respect to end your relationship is most difficult to overcome. I think when you enjoy the opposite situation, one in which your family loves and appreciates your partner, you are able to enjoy the support of commitment necessary when you are feeling down and unsure yourself. Not hard when looking at it in this light to imagine how one circumstance is more difficult than the other...

Bring your ym here and see if the support he needs to move into a fully open space can be garnered here?

Good luck and let me know if there is anything that I can do.

These ladies have given you some great advice. I'm also in an AGR with a vym (33/19) and I can feel for you both. Being hidden is not something you want and can be very hurtful. Coming out with your relationship to friends and family can ALSO be very hurtful. My YMs mother was very, very vocal about her disapproval, but she's coming to accept it as we've now been living together since June. :D

My mother was almost as bad with her vocal disapproval, but over time she has also become more accepting. It's definitely not a relationship for the weak of heart! LOL.

Welcome to ageless... and don't be like I was about this site, either. Definitely share it with your YM, as it might give him the strength to consider a future with you, too, and understand why its hurtful to hide you. I was afraid if I told my YM about this site that he would think I was too insecure in our relationship and bolt. He's now a regular lurker here and posts sometimes, too. It's bonding to build friendships together...
~phosphorescent

:( You guys are great you know that. I have been with him for a year and a half. I keep telling myself he has to care or he wouldnt be here because nobody would hang on that long for just sex. I asked him once how he felt and I poured my heart out to him. It took him sooo long to answer cuz he kept stumbling over himself. He said it was so hard. He cares but it was so hard. Yet I have given him numerous ways to walk away and he doesn't. His mom found out about us last tear and had a fit. He does still live at home and she is very controlling where he is concerned. She threatens to kick him out if he doesn't do what she wants him to. He is getting ready to go to college and they are paying so I feel he is afraid until that time he is stuck. My family on the other hand knows and they accept the fact, but they do have their concerns. Though they usually keep them to themselves. So, he feels stuck and is afraid to talk about his feelings. I think anyway, but the problem is his mother is a touchy subject where I am concerned based on things she has said and done. She actually tried to get me fired from my job by calling my boss. I stand up for myself and he knows this quality about me and hopes and prays that we(his mother and I) never get into a confrontation about things. I can accept the fact that if this comes out she will probably never like me and I could even be nice to her, but I wont ever lie down and take any verbal abuse from anybody. I just need to know how he feels and if this is something he wants or if it just something to pass time with. I am not getting any younger thats for sure and I want to know that this is going somewhere eventually. You know what I mean. I have let him know I love him deeply and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have good times don't get me wrong it just seems that right now the relationship is strained. I have been under alot of stress and I feel alone and tired and I know this only aplifies the problems. I just love him so much I don't feel I can just walk away. When I don't know how he feels it makes it that much harder. :confused:

Originally posted by sad_in_love
I just need to know how he feels and if this is something he wants or if it just something to pass time with. I am not getting any younger thats for sure and I want to know that this is going somewhere eventually. You know what I mean. I have let him know I love him deeply and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have good times don't get me wrong it just seems that right now the relationship is strained. I have been under alot of stress and I feel alone and tired and I know this only aplifies the problems. I just love him so much I don't feel I can just walk away. When I don't know how he feels it makes it that much harder. :confused:

I think a year and half into the relationship that you actually *do* know how he feels... face that one way or the other...

“he can't seem to talk to me about how deeply he cares if in fact he does care that deeply.”
How good were you at expressing your feelings when you were 19? How about 17? How fast do guys mature in communication skills anyway? Just a thought…

“We have been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years now and it seems that the longer we are together the harder it is to be together. “
Wait a minute – think about this. He’s living with? He’s dependent on? He’s been raised by? And he loves them too. And I think you actually summed it up fairly nicely when you said “So, he feels stuck and is afraid to talk about his feelings.”

“His family DOESN'T approve at all and so he trys to hide us from them…. She actually tried to get me fired from my job”
Watch out! This is a mother protecting her cub. You have got to resolve this between her and you or relocation will be your only alternative with him. Does it seem like she competes with you for him? Even parents have scary issues. I have around 20 years of counseling so the dynamics are speaking fairly loudly to me – but I don’t have all the background, I am sure. You need some sort of protection from her if you are going to have a relationship. I recommend reading “Incest Survivor” related counseling books. John Bradshaws “The Homecoming” for additional family dynamics.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”
I think the main disadvantage with YM is their view of time. The older we get, the less we feel that we have all the time in the world – it IS just perspective.

“it just seems that right now the relationship is strained. I have been under alot of stress and I feel alone and tired and I know this only amplifies the problems. “
Remember he probably feels the same stress if not more. I am sorry you are feeling so badly and am sure you will figure this out.

“I just love him so much I don't feel I can just walk away. When I don't know how he feels “
You do know – just like you he may feel this:

“I am so confused and sad because I love him (her) dearly. “
Of course he also has his nesting community there to beat him into submission if he steps into uncharted waters. He will be in a much stronger position at age 21.

Just feel your feelings and share your thoughts with each other without blaming each other. Be truthful and open. Come up with some way of fighting back – even if it is only in a fantasy right now. The more knowledge you have about your options and alternatives, the stronger will be your vision and choices.
Take care of each other and nurture yourselves.

Originally posted by whiterose

I'm not clear if your guy lives at home or independently. Maybe if he lives at home, he feels he still has to live by his parents "rules".

This is the situation that I'm dealing with. It's "clear" on this end. My mother, father, step-parents and siblings and stepsiblings and my ex-partner and our children all seem to embrace our relationship...

He's reluctanct to share much with his family right now but I will be meeting them ALL this weekend. All three of his grandparents, his aunt, uncle, their two kids (his cousins) his mother and possibly his friends.

It depends on how much I can handle all at once! lol

I think that one of the challenges of having a relationship with a very young man is "fitting into" each other's pre-existing lifestyle or situation. There is a lot of compromise and not always the support and understanding from family and friends.

I'm willing to bet that he's hearing negative responses from family and friends and that he hasn't shared that information with you. I hope you can find out what's going on and get past it together and enjoy being together :)

You have got to resolve this between her and you or relocation will be your only alternative with him. Sorry, 4M21TO29F54, but I don't think that it would be wise to do that.

Any issues with the parents, I BELIEVE, should be handled by the YM himself. Other than, assuring the parents (once outed) that you only have his best interests at heart, should one become entangled into YM's relationship's with his parents. If he can not deal with them after they know about the relationship, then maybe he is still too young emotionally to be in a relationship.
Just my thoughts....

its alot for a 19 year old to shoulder, first very very honestly if my daughter had come home with a 45 year old when she was 24 my alarm would have gone off. my husband and i have this type of age gap. these are his parents and under normal circumstances people mature and get the opportunity to move away from the parents, now he is a position to make a choice and that is very hard. i was worried sick as to my husbands parents reaction, his mother was surprized until she heard from her son that he really loves me, his father calls me his grandmother, i am kinda attractive so i know its utter crap, but some people are just nasty. they are divorced and i feel for his mother that she married such a jerk, Adam and his mom are very tight, they are friends and it doesnt hurt she was a hippy in the day......

anyway!!! your age gap is not that big, in fact its not much at all, all opportunities in life are at both of your fingertips, you both are dwelling so much on the gap that you are making yourself upset. your intentions and his intentions are only to be together and love each other which means to support each other, its sad he has to grow up a little before he want too, but growing up is inevitable also, how lucky he is to have you there to love him, to find love at any age is such a gift.

i really wish you well and also i wish that you guys put this into perspective, let the outside influences fade away and focus on each other. take care. kitty

:( Your right I do love him very much and he does need time. I think that always hearing this will never go anywhere and he doesn't love you or he would put forth more effort to be with you really messes with your head after awhile. I had explained his cercumstances so much in his defense that I started thinking gosh maybe they are right. I know in my heart they are not. I know how I feel and he knows how I feel. That is really all that matters. :)