Please help me... someone.

I hope this post isn't against rules again, and that I can get a few responses on this.

As you probably are figuring, I'm having (but have been having) a bad day with me age gap and people. My family is overboard with killing me with *wisdom* or being in age gap relationships and how they all lead to nowhere and why I have frustration with *things*. Also, at work, I met a couple who's a may-december also, (she/61 and he/40). They love theirs and see nothing wrong with it, but are freaked and bugging me about my relationship. already received a few days from work with them saying "you need a young girl", or "hey that girl that said hi to you, i think she likes you.." blah blah blah! ARGH! What's the deal here?? I feel like society picked these last few months to attack my preference!

Even media (though I know it's not directed to me) is showing extreme pressure to their audience what they think is attractive and right. Can't even find a nice tv program to watch, or on the other hand an older lady to even see in a show. instead it seems like everyone wants to be a model.

I'm flipping today finally. so you're seeing some of the downside with me. There's more, but i'd hate to let it out right now. Just need to find someone that understands. Right now, Minolia (still a beauty to me) isn't understanding what I'm going through, and really hasn't said much, though I wish she could. It has been confusing for her trying to understand what I'm feeling and getting.

PLEASE. I hope someone(s) from here can give some advice, experience with the same issues, or something that can help me. I'm really, REALLY feeling *alone*. I know I have a problem with making others uncomfortable, but just saying, "don't listen to them" doesn't click for me..

Ryan

ryan, you love her. she loves you. what does it matters what others think? nadda

you just keep on keeping on and those people will eventually move on to bug someone else.

like amina said, ...breathe.

what matters is you being comfortable with your relationship. who cares what a bunch of hypocrites say? they prolly fancy themselves as the non-judgemental type. but in reality....they are human and unfortunately, follow the norm.

chin up. chest out. head held high.

love that woman and keep doing yo thang

:D
good luck!

Tracy

The best I can do here is to tell you to 'not react'.

Sounds very easy..... However, it looks like you have to start putting this concept into action.

When people say stuff..... Don't start getting annoyed and distressed and upset..... Just say to yourself quiertly 'this person is put in front of me to 'teach' me to 'Not to react'..... Use that person as a way for you to better yourself.

People will say these things to you because they want a reaction.... If you continually 'dont' give them what they want then eventually they will get tired of it and move on down the line to someone else that they can get a reaction out of.

You can do stuff like just laugh it off (even if you are fuming inside)... make some sort of joke saying ' yeah yeah, thats really funny' or 'That girl! yeah shes alright.....ha ha why don't you go for her he he'...... Anything that isn't an annoyed or upset reaction. Start having a bit of fun with the situation..... humour them.

Even your family..... yeah and thats the hardest test.... Make out that you value the fact that they are concerned about you..... However..... "Everythings F i n e..... Im ok don't worry bout me...... its cool"....... try not to get angry or upset..... even if you feel it inside.... If you portray a happy..... golucky... Hey im fine....kind of outside performance...... noone will be the wiser..... An annoyed and upset reaction is only going to fule more FIRE.

Use these people as your teachers in life.... to take you to a stronger personality that doesn't care what everyone else thinks and shows it.....Try the unconcerned Ryan... the type that is in love and happy with his lot... with his woman just the way she is....... And eventually you will find that everyone will gradually lay off.

Good luck Ryan

Tinks:)

Hi Ryan. Are you saying that this other couple at work who are in an age gap relationship are ALSO telling you that you should find a younger woman? If so, then that would make those kind of comments even more difficult to deal with, I am sure. In fact, I get angry just thinking about the possibility of them telling you that! :mad:

At the end of the day, Ryan, all that matters is how you and Minolia feel about each other. Life is short and love is rare. It is seriously no one else's business but your own!

Maybe just by coming here today and venting you'll feel better. I hope so. But, you might want to come up with some quick comeback that you can use anytime someone says that to you. Ok, like maybe next time someone says to you that you need to find a younger woman, then you could say to them, "I am quite happy with the woman I love." and leave it at that. Or, another one..."I appreciate your concern about my life, but I am quite happy the way that it is, thank you." Depending on how well you get along with them, maybe you could simply tell them, "you know, I have to tell you that these constant comments about me needing to find someone younger is really bothering me. I wish that you would stop."

Hi Ryan,
Your letter hits close to home, as the man in my life is also much much older than I am. I have only told a couple of friends and no one in my family, and I'm getting real anxious about it. It will bother me to hear peoples' reactions, I know that for sure. But I've decided that I need to keep telling myself that at the end of my life, I will regret it if I don't stay in this relationship. And I will regret it if the only reason I broke off the relationship was to please my family and friends. My family and friends will always love me, no matter what. And yours will too. Like some of the other posts have implied, it's only a big deal if you make it one. I plan on telling my family through humor, as I am the clown in the family! Good luck and let us know what happens!

Thanks so much for responding to me! I felt so alone today. Still trying to get through, but as mentioned by someone, just coming here and venting did let go of some of my frustration!

Yes, it was a couple at work that's in an age-gap relationship. older woman/younger man. and yep, they said that to me!!! Of all things too!!!! Like what was the difference?!?! Because I'm not in the 40 marker or something? That killed me for a while.

Along with that, my birthday was last Monday and though it's not that big of a deal these days, I was irritated that my mom calls, says happy bday for about 2 mins and then lectures for about 15 about "missing life's opportunities" because of the situation I'm in (meaning minolia everytime). and my dad calling later about, oh how he (first time i heard him say this, but think it's because of the family deaths this year) how I need to carry on the family name and have a son !??!?! Shoot! if that's such a big deal, I might as well go to a sperm bank, HOPE they have senior pics available, and donate to ONLY a family with our last name! geez!

Yeah, with people saying comments, it's hard for some reason to think of saying something *good* because I don't want to make things esculate. usually I just smile but on the inside I'm tearing up because I'm so hurt that people can let gays be gays, black/white mix, and from my encounters let OM/YW be together, but they can't just let me be ME!

Mainly my parents, but others too, say that the things in life I missed (jobs, FRIENDS, etc) is because of my age gap. HA! I don't believe them, but being told that for some many years now has really bugged my subconcious mind to where it seems I'm fighting two of me now (and it's not a slight case!). This is hitting the big part of why I'm flipping more these days.

of course media is it's own story. can't do much about that except letters which I'm finding many people already feel this way because of the children viewers they don't want seeing that either, and second.. there are shows i like so don't want to remove tv either....yet.

Miniolia and I are doing *ok* right now. Mainly it's becasue of me that it's hard times. She's already explained she doesn't know how to help me. I don't blame her really, since I'm all wishy-washy with what I'm asking for these days.

-- sorry you all here are seeing such a wacked topic about me, but i just have noone to even say it to...

SECOND, what would you suggest I might try doing when a young girl is trying to flirt with me at work (think some people are trying to do a conversion to me), but she know I have Minolia already?? I'm about ready to just say, "bug off, i like older women only!" but worried I'd really hurt their emotions that way... ugh..

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ryan
SECOND, what would you suggest I might try doing when a young girl is trying to flirt with me at work (think some people are trying to do a conversion to me), but she know I have Minolia already?? I'm about ready to just say, "bug off, i like older women only!" but worried I'd really hurt their emotions that way... ugh.. /QUOTE]

How is she flirting? If she asks you out, just ask her if it's ok to bring your girlfriend! :p

Just kidding, of course! Just respond the same as you would if you were dating someone your age or younger.

I get hit on all the time and I simply say, "Hey, I'd love to go out, but I know that my boyfriend wouldn't like it at all! You'd probably get your *ss kicked!"

Of course, I sometimes get the, "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" line, but I just say, "If that's your attitude, I wouldn't want to go out with you anyhow!"

Originally posted by Ryan
SECOND, what would you suggest I might try doing when a young girl is trying to flirt with me at work (think some people are trying to do a conversion to me), but she know I have Minolia already?? I'm about ready to just say, "bug off, i like older women only!" but worried I'd really hurt their emotions that way... ugh..

Heya Ryan, I remember you two. You might think about hanging out more at Ageless for ongoing support.

On this last bit, I don't know why you'd worry about hurting someone who is, yes, RUDE as MrsH says, and disrespectful of you as a man and of your lady. If she knows you are taken, that girl has NO CLASS. (That's as good a reason as any not to be interested.) And you can quote me on that. ;)

Oh, and that other OW/YM couple who just doesn't get it (man that's weird :confused: ) - you could just start telling each of -them- to get more traditionally aged partners. :P

Originally posted by Ryan
Yeah, with people saying comments, it's hard for some reason to think of saying something *good* because I don't want to make things esculate. usually I just smile but on the inside I'm tearing up because I'm so hurt that people can let gays be gays, black/white mix, and from my encounters let OM/YW be together, but they can't just let me be ME!



Ryan, you seem like a man who likes to avoid conflict. But, do you understand that until you set them all straight this will continue? And, then you have to decide how well you can continue to tolerate their apparently lack of acceptance of your relationship.

I say set the record straight with all of them. I think you should tell your friends who are also in an age gap relationship that they are being very hypocritical by being judgmental of your decision! :mad:

And, about that little flirt, well, I like Kristin's response.... tell her you'll go out with her if you can bring your g/f along. :p

I have a next-door neighbor who tries to fix me up with men every now and then, even though she knows I am with J. I can't understand if it is the age-gap that kind of makes people disregard my relationship sometimes, or what it is!

The third time it happened, I mentioned off hand that a sheriff's officer I had come into contact with was a very nice-looking man. And he was! But, working in the same field, she said, "Oh wow, would you be interested in going out with him, because I could totally fix that up". I said "Um, no, I don't think so. I have James", and she said "OH! I keep forgetting about that!".

Well, you know, she has lived next door to me and we have been aquaintances for 5 years, and 4 of those years I have been dating James! So it definitely does seem to me that SOMETIMES people tend to assume these relationships have less validity.

Anyhow, my real point being, I have had days like the one you just had. I've had days in the past where I got tired of everyone telling me what they thought was best for me, and days where I got tired of people "warning me" about the outcome of my relationship. There have even been days where I heard it so much I started to have doubts myself.

But then it passes, and I see J, and it all seems to disappear. I remember to think about all the good things in the relationship...the fact that he loves me, that I can count on him to be there for me when I need him, that he accepts and loves my children...all the good stuff.

Other people will not tend to remind you of the all the good things, and you have to take it upon yourself to do the reminding sometimes. It's easy to start to feel a bit negative when you are bombarded with negative opinions. It's also important to remember that you are hearing opinions from people who are not involved in your relationship. They are merely judging things from appearance. Only you and Minolia know what your relationship is really like, and its your opinions that matter.

Having said all that...I hope tomorrow is a better day for you! ((hugs))

I'm about ready to just say, "bug off, i like older women only!" but worried I'd really hurt their emotions that way... ugh..
I would just say, "hey, thanks for the compliment but as you know, I am already taken."

Why would you say 'you like older women' for the answer answer?..If an older woman asks you out... ??? see that would not be a good answer it seems to me.

Is there something else that you have not posted that you are angry about? Sometimes I will talk about some "lesser" things that are making me upset, when it is really something deeper that is bothering me. But I don't want to discuss it yet or I really did not even realize it until I thought about it more. So think about that as well.

Good luck... I know it isn't always easy. Every blessing has it's downside. Take care.

You have received lots of good advice already, I only have a couple of things to add.

first, your dad & the continuing the name issue.

Never, have children for anyone but yourself!!!! You do not owe that to your parents and they have no right to ask it of you.

Second, stop and think, what would you be doing with a younger partner that you are not doing now? Maybe climbing Mt. Everest but did you want to do that anyway....and for all I know your partner may still be able to beat you to the top.

SO what are you missing out on?

Rabbit

Whoa –
Got 2 recommendations for ya – Read “The 7 Habits for Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey and
Watch “Torch Song Trilogy” – something striking about expecting people to have respect for you. I especially like the part (and think it may work for your memory placement) where he tells his mother off….. ; > yes, you could…

If you do something with class and a smile – people will be able to handle whatever you have to shovel down their throats. Some examples;

For that older couple- “you know I really thought about what you said and I just don’t have time to squeeze in a 3-way right now”

“Geez mom thanks so much for caring about my life, now let’s talk about how crummy YOURS is”

Or how about

“I can’t help but feel you may be attracted to me in some way but let me tell you how available I am to the woman I love when you have dinner with us”

Sometimes we are given extraordinary lives because our creator thinks we are the teachers of ordinary men.