What's wrong?

Hi everyone, I just found this forum today and I need advice on my situation.

I'm now 23 years old and met my lady (now 34) during my national service days when I was 20. We talked a lot and expressed interest in each other. Every night, we would be looking forward to chatting with each other on the phone and letting our presence be felt to each other. Eventually I set a date at which I must tell my family about us. On the day itself, we did and they accepted it, making us feel like free birds.

Initially, it was really passionate, we cannot go on for more than a few hours without hearing each other's voices on the phone and telling how much we love each other. Since it was national servce at that time I could only go home on the weekends and would yearn for we softness and warmth every waking moment.

After national service, I went on to university. While being there, I changed, not because I started seeing another girl (I didn't) but perhaps because now that I'm meeting back my friends in university every day. I really enjoyed going out with them. I started spending a lot of time with them and less time with my lady. My lady and I has already agreed to getting married after I've left university and got a job. My heart kind of just settled down on my side, it felt as if she's already for me and I started selfishly short changing a lot of things with her and I was no longer a gentlemen to her. I took her for granted while she's constantly showering me with attention and love. Occasionally, she would confront me about my behaviour and check my priories, either friends or her. Every time these happens, I would apologise and promise to change. She knew that I can't change immediately and gave me a lot of time to do so, but I seem to have failed to do so which makes me wonder why.

Yesterday, she came over to my place to see me. When her brother came to pick her up from my place, I did not sent her off but stayed in the house (one of my ungentlemenly actions). When she reached home, she confronted me about my accumulative ungentlemenly treatment and it somehow just escalated into a big issue threatening the relationship itself.

I can't seem to find out what's with me. Why do I keep spending time with my friends and why am I so ungentlemenly to her? Why am behaving so selfishly? My heart is already settled down with her so there's no one else I would rather start a family with in future. Is it because of her never failing attention and love that I took it all for granted? I'm having trouble understanding myself. I do not want to lose this relationship as I believe I'll never find another who accepts all my bad traits.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hi Zeliard and welcome. To be honest, I can't tell you why you're doing what you're doing. But, I can see that you're really bothered by the situation.

First off... let me just say this: Maybe you've changed? Maybe her expectations are too high and you don't feel up to the task and having a good talk to get on the "same page" is what's in store here.

I'm a big proponent of Actions Speak Louder Than Words. It's true. What you say is one thing, what you do is the more important thing. It's possible that on a subconscious level you're just not that into her anymore... it could also be your own attempt at relationship sabotage... or even possibly a commitment phobia?

How do you honestly feel about your relationship? I mean, you've said your committed, but not committed enough to put her before your friends or committed enough to even act gentlemanly towards her. SOMETHING is going on in there that isn't sitting right with you.

What could it be? Only you can tell... so, play it out in this forum, if you need.
~phosphorescent

Dear Zeliard...
Welcome to ageless. I have a little wisdom that I hope helps.
Everyone changes between the ages of about 18 and 22 as they grow into independant adulthood. Needs, wants and desires can change during this time as well, and it's no one's fault. But you need to take a step back and decide if your "changes" mean it's time to let your lady go, and start on a path separate from her.
Your "ungentlemanliness" tells me that you are confused, and perhaps not as sure about your committment to this relationship as you once were. Without realizing it, you are acting this way to "push her away" so that your decision will be easier to make. This happened to me with my guy last year. He had always been the most loving, adoring ym with me, but in the last month before our breakup he started doing things that were TOTALLY not him (being profane around me..something he knows I hate....not calling when he said he would....ignoring me when I asked him something and just sat silent as though he was annoyed). He walked out of my life, and then told me that he had been confused (due to a huge campaign of pressure from his family to leave me) for the last month we were together.
I would have appreciated it a lot more if he would have just been honest with me about his confusion rather than let it stir silently inside until the day he finally succumed to it.
Be honest with you lady. Tell her you need some time away to see where your heart is leading you right now. Assure her of your love, but let her know it's not in either of your best interests to stay together if you are not sure.
Every woman deserves the truth and respect from the man she loves.
This may be a turning point in your life and you need to discover which road to take from here alone for a while. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you are truthful and noble about it with her. After all, she loves you and has invested her heart in you for years.
Best,
Karen

Thank you for you advices. I'll have to dig deep inside myself and gather enough courage to face the truth, be it pleasant or not.

Could it be while you still love her, you feel like you missed your time to "play" a little? Does that fit at all?

Could it be that you have grown so comfy in your relationship that you have taken her for granted?

You say that your heart is settled on her many times in your post. I wonder if your behavior is pointing to your unspent youth and confusion as poster have pointed out *or* if you are just so dang comfy that you have failed to consider the possibility of losing your woman!

If your heart is truly set on this lady and you are deeply committed, then you must redirect yourself to maintaining the relationship. I agree that you might not be up for the task. I think its a good idea to sit down with your woman and have a sincere open talk about expectations. I don't think you should have to choose between friends and lovers. I think you should be able to do both. Can your woman come along on these outings for example?

Wow I really wish to thank everyone for their support and advises. Just yesterday, I thought about it and realised that there's no other person I would rather have a long and lasting relationship with. I went down to her work place during her lunch time and presented her with flowers. We then talked over lunch and I made up with her.

Things are fine now. Thank you everyone. Yes she is completely at ease with friend outings. What Yellowrose and Marcy said are right. I have grown so comfy in the relationship that I've taken her love for granted. I hated myself when I realised the kind of hurt it had caused her, at the same time, because my friends and I are in the process of chasing a common dream, I've been spending more and more time with them. But that is no excuse for leaving my lady out. I am going to work hard to ensure I'm worth her love.