Dutch woman problem, HELP!!

Hai everybody,

Newby on this forum and dutch, so my english will be sometimes terrible! I am living in The Netherlands and there's no such site as this one: agelesslove!
I was involved with a younger man, he is 34 and I am 48. We meet eachother at my bar, which is now closed. In the beginning he made a lot of efforts to get in contact with me. After we had a good talk about his former life, also sex-life!, we made an agreement that I once was willing to sleep with him, because he told me he didn't had good sex in his life, and I was so generous to give him that! Well, here I think it went wrong. This is the most stupid thing I ever could do, and never ever did in my life or will do again! I regret that time very much, because now I am hurt so much, it's unbelievable! One day we had that sleep together and yes he was saying that he never had such sex in his whole live. And that he feel so comfortable being with me. But what happened, I felt in love with him that night. I noticed that, because he didn't call me afterwards, and I start to send him sms to find out why. We talked over MSN and he said that he is not that kind of man who is running after a woman. He didn't have any relation or sex for six years, he is from Britain and stays here already 6 years. He said that dutch women are more brutal then english women, that's why he didn't have a relationship. To make the story short, we continue to sleep together and every time he didn't call or sms or email me, not even after I did so. I continue to get in contact with him and everytime then we were meeting eachother. Had great sex and both feel comfortable with eachother. I know he did too! From the beginning he said the following things about having a relation: I am not ready for that, I am paranoid, I am scared to death, it's not in my head, maybe I am boring but that's how it is. He had a girl, 10 years ago, and she let him down. I asked him if he was punishing me for that, but he said no, not at all. I don't want it! But I put it in the back of my head, where it belongs! I don't want to fall in love again, and more things like that. The last time we were together is now 1 week ago, he took me out for the first time to meet some friends, he was looking at me and singing songs to me, want to hold my hand when we were walking. He also let me hear a song: When I look into your eyes (Firehouse) on his PC and said (I know for sure!) this is a song for you. Now he said, no I said this is a good song, I show it to everybody. Sorry, for explaining this so much, but I really need an answer on this, because I don't understand him. Is he really "not into me"? Why is he saying that he want to go with me to Greece, I want to do some volunteering with turtles, and he can work there as a driver instructor. He don't want me to stay in a tent, because he has a nice place to stay. And I am also not allowed to stay in a tent, because there will be young boys (he says), and he want me everyday overthere. This is really confusing. I send him the last time a sms with: sometimes I wish you miss me! He send: sorry heh, you know the way it is. Then I send him: tell you what, this feelings for you are killing me, I have to stop seeing you and try to forget. This is not fair, you can not do that to me. I am not a 1 call *****. His sms: if you think so then do that. I can't help the way I feel, so I wish you the best of luck and don't forget have fun. And I'l see you around.
I kept my mind together, because I really felt falling into a deep black hole and sms to him: Same to you! And anyway thks for knewing you and the nice times we spend together! Bye.
That's it. Why, why? I really don't understand this. Can somebody give me some help, advice or some comfort, because I don't think I will ever come over him. Thank you in advance in reading this long, I think a bit childie message! Bye Brigitte
He: Bye, thanks for the good times.

Hi Brigitte, and welcome to agelesslove. I am moving your thread to the OW/YM Relationship Support section where you will receive more responses.

About your situation... I am unclear how long you have been involved with him? Knowing that may be helpful as we try to offer you advice.

Just based upon what I've read about him so far, I think one of two things is possible here..

1. Possibly he IS truly afraid of being hurt again and is afraid of commitment. If that's the case, then you'd have to decide how long you'd be willing to endure lack of commitment.

2. Possibly he is interested in you to a degree, but maybe he would rather enjoy having a "friends with benefits" situation. In other words, maybe he enjoys the sex, but is "not that into you" as you said.

Either way, I know how much that hurts when your feelings for him seem to be stronger than his for you. :(

I hope that you two can continue to talk about this over the phone, rather than thru sms. I think that would help you have a better conversation so you can ask him more directly how he really feels. Sometimes messages that come across sms, email or instant messaging really do not convey well how the two people feel.

Best wishes to you!

This sounds like he just wanted the sex and nothing else.

Did you talk about what you expected from this relationship before you slept with him. How long did you guys get to know each other before you slept with him? It doesn't seem like long.

It seems like you got pick up at the bar and for alot guys, picking up a girl at a bar is usually a short term sense of gratification. He proably said all the right things to put you in the right frame of mind to accept the sex...unfortunately, he is not into you. I don't particularly believe quality is at a bar, but its not a written rule, for alot of people it is the only way to meet others.

We just have to be really careful on the reasons for being there though and be extra aware on why the other person is there. And the radar for being used and abuse has to be in higher range then normal.

I say he's a loser and not worth your time or emotions. he's not on the same page. Anybody who has been hurt deep enough will use that hurt to keep themselves from forming real and meaningful realationships...its call emotional baggage. It has nothing to do with you and its something they have to deal with. All you can do is remove yourself from his toxic baggage and take care of yourself.

Paris

Hello WhiteRose and Irparis,

Thank you both for taking time to read my history with the younger man. I am pleased that there are people who are willing to listen. To you Irparis: It was my restaurant/bar were we met and he visited us regulary. After I talked a couple of times with him, he said that he wanted to help me in the bar (send your daughter away, she is young she can go and have fun)) and that I was such a wonderfull woman to talk with (he also said this to his collegue and some friends of him), that he can tell me things he never tell to somebody else. After THE talk (about the sleep thing), he made a big fight in my bar with the boyfriend of my daughter. He was celebrating his birthday with friends at the bar and get very drunk. (I also think he is an addict to both alcohol and weed, because he smoke every night, sitting alone at home, and drinks every weekend heavily!) I know also from collegue barowners that they find him a pain the ***, because he is difficult to deal with when he is drunk. Well, after that fight I send him away. Three days later he came up with some of his friends and whispered in my ear that he wanted to apologize for his behaviour. I said to him that I was willing to give him a last change, if he will do that again he is no longer welcome. But, at the same time my daughter was looking at him with a face (he told me later) that he thought: ok I am not welcome anymore.
So he stayed away. After a couple of weeks later I send him a sms (the first time!) to ask how he was etc. So, we made an appointment to meet the same night, to eat and ofcourse: you all know now! He didn't start to kiss, he didn't do that for at least the first four times we meet, so I also thought that he was shy. One time, at the beach, he said he missed me, but so that I could hardly hear what he said! The rest you will know, of and on we met and afterwards I was always the one to make contact again. I told him that I didn't love him (maybe in love) and that we could stay ****buddies. He agreed to that and also said that he liked me for talking, not only that. We agreed to see eachother every week for that, but the first time I came up with the subject (again by sms!) he didn't came back with a reaction. Later he said, sorry I don't know why I did that. So we got a fight again by sms (well I am always the one who is awfull in the sms, he never replies on my bad sms). I begged him in my last email to end things nicely, that I am not used to things like this and want to separate with good feelings. He came up with an email and agreed to meet eachother at a safe place (I suggested). Later on he came on MSN and we had for the first time a very long chat. Most of it was about sex, but he also said he liked me for who I was! Pfff, long story, but I have to get it off of my heart! I want to understand what is in his mind? We walked in a nearby park and when we say goodbye he took my hand and while walking away he held it for a short time. It felt really warm and tender. Later that week we met again at his place like I told before and that was the last time we saw eachother! Now I am waiting, without any sign from my side, if he is wanting me back! Am I stupid, or am I stupid? I really hope that he will find out that he miss me. I can not understand what the problem is with him. No sex for six years, no relations at all, and then you meet somebody you do your best for to get, have great sleepings, laughs, talks and then you don't want that? What is wrong with him? Why is he making things so difficult? Why can't we just go along and see what is happening? This is something I once said to him and he agreed. I never start with a man and talk already about commitment and all that kind of stuff! We just see, don't we? As long as you enjoy to be with that person it's okey. But fact is, and that is what makes me so mad, I am always the one to send a sms or email or whatever. And I can not wait longer then a couple of days! What's wrong with sending nice sms to the other person? I am not that kind of man, is what he is saying about that. I like you, but I don't love you! aaggghhh, why is he so difficult? Everytime we agreed about: have fun, enjoy, no strings (because I also don't want a relation like living in eachother pockets!). Why can't he just be in love and enjoy? Bye and thanks again, Brigitte

Oh, Brigitte, don't stay involved with this guy! He will be nothing but pain and suffering for you. He is using you and throwing it in your face. You deserve sooo much better!!

AND he's alcoholic?? Alcoholics are charmers and will do anything to get what they want. He is not only "just not that into you" but he is completely BAD for you!

I just came from a relationship with an alcoholic and I found that, no matter how I loved him, he wasn't going to change. They are very selfish people and I think they are so incapable of loving themselves that it is impossible for them to truly love anyone else.

While you are putting up with this loser, there is a guy out there looking for someone just like you and he's absolutely wonderful. What if he comes along and sees you with this man and just keeps on moving along because he thinks you're taken? Lose the dead weight and get out there so Mr. Wonderful knows you're available!

Best wishes...

Hai Kirstin,

Thank you for your words! I know that you're right about him and also about alcoholics! Don't know why I am so in love with him! I try to figure it out day after day. Is it the love of my father I missed so much in my life, and am I still waiting to find out that in the end I am lovable? Actually the last 15 years or so I only like men who are much younger than I am. Most men in their late twenties, beginning thirties I like the most. So, the fatherfigure will not play that role! I really don't know. Next week I start sessions with a shrink and the item relations, men and Brigitte will have the main topic, I hope! It's such a shame that there is not one relation, I ever had, that gives me a pleasant feeling afterwards! They all were ending very sad and always from his side. The most men in my life I was much in love with, didn't want me. So that until now I really don't know what " love" means for me. Is it just for men I can't have, or did I also when I started relations? I can't remember. Also the fact that I am 48 already and still like the younger men, makes me sad! Most people think I am around 40, that's nice, but it doesn't solve the problem that inside I am not older than 18! And I hate it to be that 48 something age! It doesn't fit with how I feel. Even my daughter is sometimes my mother, she wants me to grow up. She calls me in a lovely way: Rockchickie, because I like Rockmusic still and like to dress in that way. She is much more mature and wise then I am. She is so lovely and I am glad she has a relation with a good boy, already for three years. So she started in a nice way and will find out that men can be nice! Well, I will leave that english boy alone, I don't sms or email or call him anymore. I decided that directly after his last message! We will see, I think that he will regret he let me down! My daughter, who really don't like him, says: look at him, he is an alcoholic, his clothes are awfull, he doesn't take care for himself, didn't have any relation until now, who wants him? He will continuing sitting in bars, drinking, smoking and when he is older, he will be much more looking like an old pathetic drunk idiot. And then he will regret that he let you go! You can get much better, look at the men who do want you! Why such an idiot, he's not worth to bodder about and surely he doesn't deserve you. Isn't that nice? I love her so much, she is my daughter but also my best friend. I am so lucky I give birth to her. I lost my first baby when it was born. A mistake of the hospital, so I am such a lucky woman to have her by my side. I am still in love with my child, it will never die, only grow. That's what makes life so good. Bye everybody, Brigitte

Hoi Kristin,

I am so sorry I spelled your name wrong! It's because I have a friend with the name Kirstin, that's why. Excuses and bye again.

Brigitte

Mooie Middag Rosie!!

Let me see if I got this straight...

1. He is an alcohloic

2. He is a pothead

3. He is violent

4. He is incapable of having a relationship

5. He is insensitive to your feelings

6. He could care less if you come or go

and you think you love him?

Rosie, I think you are absolutely right in questioning your own motivations for being attracted to this man. It does sound like you have unfinished business with your dad that you are trying to resolve with emotionally distant men. It seems to me you would get more benefit from investing your energy in to finding out why you are drawn to BAD men than to keep putting your time and power into this tosser. I know that Holland has a good health system so getting some therapy would not be that expensive. You would feel so much better. I really hate to see you hurting yourself like this. You REALLY DESERVE BETTER!!!!

There is a good book on the market called "Women Who Love Too Much". It is about women who are self- destructive in their relationships and it was a real eye-opener for me.They have it in German so I would imagine it would be available in Dutch as well.

I hope I don't come off as a know-it-all. It is just I have been there and do not wish it on anyone else. Mooi Success!!!