new lady looking for support

Hi there, well I have been dating my YM since may of 2002 he is 19 and I am 41, we have been thru so much and we love each other dearly, but we are seperated so to speak right now because for some reason i keep fighting the whole thing, I try to find reasons why it won't work , but I really don't have any.
I was in a very bad marriage and I was thinking maybe thta is what it is and that is why I fight this one so much, I think I am just afraid. How do I get over this so that we can be together, he is awesome and all i ever think about.

First off you need thank the BIG MAN upstairs for blessing you with your man.

Secondly, you need to focus on your own positive qualities of self-esteem and work on any negatives that cause stress on the relationship.

Thirdly, take each day at a time and live for the moment.

Fourth, if looking for fights continues on your behalf and y'all do break up and you realize later what you have done and want him back, it may be too late!

Fifth, see above. :)

I would have to agree with Joe on everything but #3 especially and I'll elaborate on that...I was in a relationship that the OW was always looking to the future...what if this happens what about this and all along I was trying to convince her that we are not promised tomorrow and to stop worrying about what "might" happen...worry is like a rocking chair...it keeps ya busy but never gets you anywhere...so as Joe said...live in the moment...cherish every second you two share and the future will take care of it's self...Hope we helped...Thunder

http://home.ripway.com/2004-1/51161/ThunderTag02.jpg

I too fought my Ym and our 16 year spread....after being in an abusive relationship i can understand, it has been a year now and i can say he is the best thing that ever happened to me....i have never known love til he loved me and i am glad he still stands beside me even if i still rebel from time to time...i just have to learn that him wanting me isnt demanding of me in the least....from what i can tell he only demands what i can give and expects nothing less....patience is the key on both parts. After being abused we tend to want our freedom...but perchance we find love again we shouldnt dismiss it....
I am new here but have been reading for two years....i feel like i know most of you here and am glad to have found you.....thanks Ageless!!!!

thank you all for your reply's, hopefully I can get through this and soon. We talked last night and he has been very cold and distant towards me, well last night I found out that he may be playing hard to get, I tell him I miss him and he does not respond or he says he has to go, It makes me mad and sad all at once because I am afraid I will lose him.

Then he really turned the tables on me and said he hated being thrown into this whole family thing at his age, and that he was tired of giving of himself all the time.

And of course I said I had been doing that for 15 years, giving of myself for my children, It's called life and I don't complain. It hurt me alot, now I really don't now what to do, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I just feel like we are a burden to him.

Hi,


And of course I said I had been doing that for 15 years, giving of myself for my children, It's called life and I don't complain. It hurt me alot, now I really don't now what to do, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I just feel like we are a burden to him. [/B]

Please, tell us more about your children. How do you and does he relate to them?

He absolutlely love's them and they are crazy about him.

Hi Love,

Originally posted by Simplewoman
He absolutlely love's them and they are crazy about him.
He seems to be a real treasure. What can possibly worry you when you have such a loving man?

Wow, see if a ym said:

Then he really turned the tables on me and said he hated being thrown into this whole family thing at his age, and that he was tired of giving of himself all the time.

This would be a huge red flag for me. Because the reality is, this is your life, and he knew that to begin with. I don't believe in living for the moment when there are kids involve. These kids depending on their ages, jump in and love this ym and than the guy decides, hey, what am I thinking...I'm 19 yrs old. Well, than, my response would be, "I love you buddy, but there's the door, don't let it kick your butt on the way out."

There are some ym who can just throw themselves into a family life and just love everything about family life and then there are some who convince themselves that they can just to be with a woman they claim they love but life as always does become a reality, and they jump bail and leave you with nothing more than the shatter remains of what could have been.

You know, i realize you love him, and he's a great guy, but you're going to have to sit with him and make some decisions. This isn't just about you and him, this is also about kids who expect stability in their lives and if during their formative years they're going to have a less than exemplary awareness into relationships between young men and older women, than, i ask you, is it worth it.

Paris

well you are all right, my kids come before him, and he will either except all of us or none of us. Thanks

But was his coldness because of the "family" or because of your facilating a lot? I would begin to get pretty tired & angry if my partner was always questioning our love. Like Joe said... he ONE DAY may not be back.

I guess I still don't know what your problem is... (maybe I am having SENIOR moment). :D

eddiesfairy....I'm in Southern Oregon, where are you?!?!

I can only talk about my experience..i recently broke up with my ym of 2 yrs he was 19 i was 30 when we met..everyhting was fine and dandy....until things got hard and we had to struggle...he was always saying things like im too young to be this strssed ur family is always against me....and so on and so forth...he said he was ready for a relationship he might have been but he wasnt ready for a family while he was only coming over and spending the night and having fun he was fine but he bailed out when things got tough....

i went thur so much with him...im not saying all ym are immature and dont kno what they want but there r signs red flags as some call it that we fail to see...how old r ur children?

Ok well is some more of the story.
First of all my kids are 15 and 13 and they really do love him, we met after my 18 year marriage ended and we were great together for the first year. My ex was very abusive and controlling and for awhile during the seperation and divorce he continued to be abusive and controlling. I went thru some counseling and I got a little better, I learned that my ex no longer controlled my life and that I did not have to make him happy anymore, However I did cheat with on my Ym with my ex 3 times, he stuck by me but things only got worse, I have put up this wall that no man can penetrate, I have gained an independence that is destroying my future, and yet don't know how to stop. I do not let him be the man so to speak, instead I try to control him, I know I do these things but can't seem to let that wall down.

Again last night he came over and said he could not do the whole family thing and yet he wants to date me? Im confused and frustrated, he said he would always love me and he would always be there, and I have ran him off and I am scared I will lose him.

I spoke with him this morning and he said we could date but he needed his independance and if that was ok with me we could try one more time, but how do I know he won't get scared and want out again, I can't continue like this and I don;t want my children to go thru this either.

I know it's hard to do, but I really think you guys DO need to just relax and date a little. It sounds like you've been dealing with alot of heavy things for a long time.
And like the future could turn out a lot of different ways from here.

I realize there are kids involved, but what's stopping you from seeing each other once a week and just enjoying each other's company for six months or so?

Think of it as a long, deep, mutual breath, before you revisit all of the hard stuff again.

It sounds like you BOTH deserve that :)