Wow.

I just spent the last couple of hours reading this forum and I had no idea there were so many relationships like mine. God bless the internet!

I just wanted to say hi, and maybe ask for a little feedback. I just turned 40 and have been dating a guy of 27 for awhile now, almost a year, I guess. It was only supposed to be a fling, a mid-life crisis. I was recently separated from my husband of ten years (11 years my senior) when met this YM when I least expected to. The attraction was immediate and the chemistry is unreal. I'm crazy about him and he both professes to feel the same way and better yet, shows it. I am struck by how many women appear to be in similiar situations.

I have reservations, however. Two really big ones.

1. I don't believe I've had enough time to "recover" from my failed marriage and though I don't necessarily want to break off my new relationship, I feel I might benefit from time alone, to grow as a person.

2. I fear being left for a younger woman. I'm in relatively good shape for my age, but no match for a girl in her 20s.

Now those two reservations may seem dichotomous; I think I should break it off, yet fearing being left. It doesn't make much sense, but it weighs on me, nevertheless.

Has anyone ever encountered the second? I imagine the issue of rebound relationships pertains to couples of any age, not necessarily OW/YM relationships.

I have other concerns as well, but I'll leave it at this for now. It seems to be an adequate introduction to my situation.

Thanks for reading, and more importantly, thanks for posting and having this forum. It fills me with hope! I'm not a freak after all. ;-)

How often have you been seeing the 27 year old? Maybe just cut back a bit so you have some time for yourself. Perhaps even treat it kind of like a Long Distance Relationship. Is there a reason...are thinking about marrying him? Can you just enjoy his company for now and take it one day at a time?

My X left me for a slightly younger woman. It ended up funny though, regarding bodies: I lost 20 lbs and she gained 65 lbs!

As far as you being concerned about him leaving. There are several relationships that have lasted long term with even larger age gaps. There are similar age gaps in relationships with women whose partners are what we call very young men. Some are very successful. We have noted that of the couples who do break up, it is more likely if the guy is under 25 (in general) as they are sincere in there late teens and early twenties, but go through changes.

When you think about it...older men often leave for a younger woman. I think it is great that you have a younger man who already has shown he enjoys you as an older woman. All relationships involve risks.

Your point about healing is a good one. Rebound relationships can be bad for both people, but they can succeed if you avoid jumping into a new marriage a few months into them. And especially if you take the time to know each other well rather than just be a substitute. Good luck...let us know how you do!

julie...welcome! the board was a lifesaver for me too! ;)

i have since married my YM...after my divorce, after his immigration, blah, blah...
can relate to the issue of alone time. my relationship was US/europe. take your time, heal, see where you want to go. your YM has accepted you how you are, age is not an issue for him. somehow "we" get caught up in the "must look younger" mentality... but um... hey!! our partner fell in love with us! exactly how we are! why can't we just accept that???? at times i still fight that battle...*sigh* and some days i lose...

as softsong stated...relationships are a risk... so what are the choices?? ;)

Hi Julie and welcome to ageless. I think you are on the mark about the need for some time for you before you commit to another long-term relationship. As long as your guy understands and agrees to that, then sounds like you're all set. :)

About the worry that he'll one day leave you for a younger woman.... I have come to the conclusion that this worry is pretty typical of those of us who are in relationships with younger men. But, alot of wise women here have shown me that it is possible to have a successful relationship despite worrying about that. In fact, someone once said to me that our guys already know we're older and they love us now anyway... why worry about the future and what it may bring? My fiance actually said pretty much the same thing to me once. He said, "why not just love each other now and stop worrying about all the 'what ifs'?"

Love is a risk, no matter the age of your partner. I'd rather take that risk than take the alternative and live without him.

Julie, I meant to add that my "baby" brother who is 42 has been married for 20+ years to his wife who is 12 years older. :)

Hi Julie.

Welcome to Ageless! Congratulations on your new relationship.

I fear being left for a younger woman. I'm in relatively good shape for my age, but no match for a girl in her 20s.

The above is fallacious. Ask any of the guys here in a serious age gap relationship and he will tell you the opposite--that a girl in her 20s is no match for his older woman!

Just relax and enjoy your new guy.

Hi, Julie ~

As you will almost undoubtedly find, the women and men who participate in this forum are wonderful.

I almost didn't even begin the best thing that I've ever had, and I almost lost it once. AG related or not, you will get supportive, honest input here - including more than one viewpoint.

1. You are the only one who will know when and if you have spent enough time along, with yourself, recovering from your marriage. I agree with some of the other posters here that perhaps you could just work in some additional 'space' for a little while. This could allow you to determine whether or not you need more Julie Time.

2. Yes, I worry occasionally that my YM boyfriend could leave me for a younger woman. But both the frequency and severity of these 'bouts' continue to dimish with each passing week. Ugh. I probably worry about it most when I start doing 'future math'. (I'm 39, he's 22. So, when he's 35, I'll be...) But guess, what, he can add, too!

Heck, I used to worry that my ex-boyfriend (7 years my senior) would leave me for a younger woman. Let me tell you, he was more inclined to do it than Ross would ever be!

As the ladies here will tell you, the guys have eyes, and brains. They can see our wrinkles (even though they're super teeny!) and they know how old we are (unless we're fibbing). Face it, if they cared about those things, they wouldn't be hanging around, would they?

If you two are enjoying each other's company, and you determine that you're in a good personal space, keep on keeping on.

Hi there Julie.

I just wanted to share a little something with you regarding the "recovery" period from divorce. I hope in some way it can help you.

I was always the type that always had a boyfriend. When one relationship was over I was right back into another with very little time in between. The weird thing is if it was a failed marriage (i've been married and divorced twice) I took time before getting involved with someone again. The first time I didn't wait all that long...it was about 6 months, but the second time.....whew...it's taken me 2 1/2 YEARS to be interested in dating again. I thought I'd never "come around" and even discussed this with my Dr.

I guess I really changed a lot when my X left.....but it took me a long time to fully get a grip on the way I changed. The time came when I KNEW I was ready to date again. It was like I felt peace on the inside? I can't really explain it, but if you think it's too soon for you, then my guess is it might be. Just my .02

Best Wishes
Stephanie

As so many of you stated, you guys (gals!) really are wonderful! I feel so much better. Sincerely.

You've all offered such terrific advice and support--I don't even know how to begin to respond to everyone!

To address some of the responses:

I'm not particularly interested in marriage again. Ever. I've done it twice and a third time seems hypocritical to me and makes a mockery of the institution. However, I confess to being enamoured with the "promise" of "forever" that marriage offers. As if it's worked for me before. ;-)

I should add that my second divorce is not final. Paperwork has yet to be filed, so I'm ostensibly still married.

Up until the recent holiday, we had been seeing each other every day. Due to failed relationships he's practically been living with me. I plan to take your advice upon his return and talk about spending some evenings apart. (This will be HARD. We miss each other like crazy when we're not together.)

While it may be too soon for me to stop worrying entirely about him not leaving me for someone younger (I'm neurotic like that), your stories, all of them, have allowed me to breathe a little sigh of relief.

I'm also the type to always be in a relationship. I've never had a time in my adult life when I haven't had one. I've been doing much thinking about this and it may not be because I'm getting involved too soon, but rather that I'm hanging onto old relationships long past their expiration dates. Frankly, I'm a little disturbed by this revelation as it's extraordinarily unfair to the other party.

I guess any relationship is fraught with pitfalls. I've just never been so scared before. Eek!

Thanks to everyone who responded; littleowl, Softsong, christina923, whiterose, sally, Patricia, Nessa, MrsHedgeHog (loving that nick!), Science Goddess, and Stephanie, you all made me feel so much better! THANK YOU!

Hi Julie, I wanted to post because I, my YM, and my main ex are all exactly the same ages as in your situation.

I spent some time alone after leaving that ex, but I did get involved with a YM during that period (not the YM I have now). I feel I benefited hugely from that interim time before meeting my current honey, even though it was not an easy time. I think Sally makes a great point: if you don't very consciously examine who you were being in the failed relationships and learn from that, then you do risk repeating history. As long as you (and your man) are able to conduct your relationship very consciously I think you'll improve its chances of survival.

I have done this with us - taking the lessons I've learned from past relationships and the alone time, consciously applying them as we go along, and it's been great. My babe really listens when I want to take a look at concerns that come up, and he responds to resulting needs and requests unlike any other guy I can remember. But then, I also was never this conscious and proactive regarding just how I want things to be. (Even so, it's still very much a go-with-the-flow process - not at all steering or controlling, in case it sounded like that.)

As to the fear of being left for someone younger...well, I can't help my gut reaction, which is to say that we are *more than just bodies* for heck's sake. If you had a guy who is *that* shallow as to be inclined leave you for some chick just because of her body...you don't want him! It's not an uncommon insecurity, and I know people can't always help that sort of thing. But society is so good at brainwashing us into believing our bodies are the only thing of value about us. Please don't. Our men are with us because they want more than that!

And, don't assume that a man always wants the typical "ideal" chick either. Smarter guys very often have less mainstream tastes, I've found. In any case, a body only lasts so long, his included. A relationship isn't about bodies. It's about two entire people, their personalities, and what they build together over time, uniquely. Only an idiot would choose just a body over all that. Those idiots surely exist, yes! But you wouldn't waste your time with one.

:)

Welcome to ageless.

I was also married twice and divorced twice. I said I wouldn't do it again because I messed it up twice so never again. Then came along my husband. Yes, my third husband. I don't feel that getting married again made a mockery of marriage. Not marrying the man that I love and who loves me because of the past would be wrong. Why should I punish the man who wants to be with me forever for the mistakes I have made in the past. I know several other "ageless" couples that are giving the third time a try......so never say never.

My husband and I started dating rather soon after my divorce, we were already friends. I don't think it was too soon because the ideal of marriage had been over long before the paperwork said so. We went out one time and have never looked back. I never felt the need to be away from him and get it together. With him I felt I had it all..... so 4 years into the relationship and a year and 2 months into our marriage I can say that I have never been happier.

By the way, I am 43 and he is 31. I have never been afraid he was going to leave me for anyone else younger or older. I can see into his soul when I look into his eyes, that is how I know.

On the other hand, my former husband 5 years older felt softball, fishing and a girl named Debbie were more important than our marriage. I wasn't surprised.

Best of Luck
Cindy