Not sure what to do

Hello, I'm glad I found this board. Maybe some of you are or have been in the same situation as the OW/mother I've fallen for...

She's 11 years older than I and we work for the same company. She's in a different department but I work closely with her about 1-2 weeks out of the month.

This is not the issue. The issue is her kids from a long relationship with her ex-husband and they are all she thinks she has time for right now. I have put a lot of pressure on her which I regret knowing fully where she is coming from now. She got divorced this past March-April, but has been separated longer than that. She is having lots of problems with her kids now that she has to be a disciplinarian when she is used to her X doing all the discipline. I guess they're not taking it well. She has two of them in counseling and wants all of them to go including herself.

She's completely over her X, and has feelings for me. She can't "give me what I want", she doesn't "want to say yes or no", and she doesn't want to drop this on her kids right now.

We've gone out, kissed, but I can't get her to even call me when she has free time. She says she'll do her best, but never does. We're waiting to go out for our next "date", but it's been over a month already and she hasn't been able to make herself available for me.


In the mean time I've pulled her aside to lay one on her at work, but I backed off not wanting to get either of us in trouble. I told her to let me know if I go over the line. She said not here, meaning not while we are at work. I wrap my arms around her from behind when I get her alone. She's into it... yet she can't call me after work. I wish she would. It would make me feel like she is at least trying here.

I don't know what to do. I want to be with her. I'm willing to wait, but I don't know if she wants me to.. I'm going to give her her space for the next two weeks since I wont be seeing her at work. Hopefully she'll call me, but if she doesn't I want to talk to her again about us the next time I see her. How can I come across without pressuring/overwhelming her, but find out if I'm wasting my time here, if she want's a relationship when the time is right, and if that's anywhere in the near future. Like I said, I am willing to wait, but I know things aren't going to get better with her kids over night, and it will probably be quite a while. Does she even have to tell her kids? I mean, we're not getting married here, moving in together or anything serious. We'd just be building this relationship, and if it were to get serious then she could tell her kids?

Hi there!

I am a single mom and can imagine the situation that you are in.

How old are the kids?

Are they too old to leave with a babysitter so that she can spend some time with you?

If she goes to bed at the same time as them, there will be no time for her to chat on the phone as you. Children need you attention every 5 minutes. I have been to parenting classes which recommend No Talking on the Phone.

There is no free time when you are a single mom, especially with more than 2 children! Can you go over her house and fix something for her.

Can you e-mail her?

Does 'dad' have the kids every other weekend? This may be as good as it gets.

There is no reason for her to tell her kids.

TSM . . . more info here might be helpful . . . for instance, your age, her age and the ages of the children.

Working on the limited information I read in your post, I would have to advise you to "back off." It sounds like she has her hands full at the moment trying to settle her children into some stability after the trauma of a divorce. And the last thing she needs right now is the outside interference of a romance.

She is going to have to go at her own pace. The best you can do right now is let her know you are interested and then just be there if she needs someone to talk to. After you have made your intentions clear to her, the ball is clearly in her court then.

I agree completely with littleowl and peachy. She sounds like she has alot to deal with right now and maybe she isn't quite ready for dating and/or a new relationship. Back off, give her some time and if she is interested, then when the time is right, I'm sure everything will fall into place.

Definitely do not pressure her. She will feel even less likely to contact you if she feels pressured into it.

She's 34 and her kids are between 12-16.

It would be easy to back off and give her her space, but I see her everyday, even if for a brief second across the way.

I think I screwed up my chances by pressuring her. It's almost like she's avoiding confrontation with me now.

I wasn't trying to pressure her. I was just trying to figure out if I was wasting my time or not. She thinks I want a full blown relationship with her now, which she cant give me at the moment obviously, but I really meant lets take it slow, go out and talk when we can. Just don't leave me hanging in the wind for weeks or months at a time like nothings going on.

This hurts. I wish I had said nothing at all and took the advice of friends that this would never work. There's a fighter in me though that wants to do everything I can to make it work because I think she worth it.

Judging by what's going on, I think it's time to move on. I just know that she won't ever call me or offer up another date. I know I've been wasting my time. She may have feelings for me, but there nowhere near the feelings I have for her, and I don't want to be in a relationship like that anyway.

you can simply wait until the next time you are working together and ask her how things are going with her kids. Then she will have something to talk to you about. If anything sounds familiar to you, you could tell her how you felt at that age or any insights into being a teenager, especially in these times which are different from when she was. Have conversations, become friends! Then make sure she knows this is not a hurry up and get something going friendship also. Having been out of the dating and single envirenment , or maybe never in it with her age and the age of her kids, She is going to be very worried about a man/woman relationship other that co-worker, neighbour, and so forth. You are attracted, so be her friend, it sounds she needs some.

We've been friends for about a year or so and I will always be there for her no matter what happens.

I bring up her kids, but she doesn't like to volunteer to much information. I told her she can talk to me about them, and or any problems she maybe having.

it sounds like you fell for a woman of integrity and purpose, you have good taste, she sounds overwhelmed, a little romance and putting her needs first sounds like a good idea, you want to back off because your needs are not met, sometimes needs are not met, it takes maturity to stay the course.

but ahhh, romance...... give it a whirl, back off a bit and be sweet and romantic yet let her call the shots, she has alot on her plate... it may work! it did for me, my husband is a genius.

or dear heart, her feelings may be so much in the air she cannot figure if she is coming or going, still thread slowly, sweetly and with great regard that she is doing her best for her children first.

I hadn't said anything or really seen her pretty much all last week except the last 2 days. Thursday I asked her how she was doing and how her Thanksgiving was and what not and then let her get back to work. Friday I asked her If I could give her a call this weekend. She said yeah, sure. Like honestly it sounded like of course you can. Then she had thought for a second and said, well you better give me your # again so she could call me. Iit was probably tossed when she cleaned up her work area. It was on a sticky note. So whatever, I figured no problem, she just might be with the kids all weekend and it would probably be better if she called so I wasn't interrupting anything. BUT in the back of my head I knew she wouldn't, and she hasn't.

99.9% sure she wont say anything about it tomorrow either.

Should this even bother me? Is it a bad sign or just a busy woman. Is she scared? Her hands seemed to be trembling a bit when she was showing me her hair last Friday.

Did I pressure her even more? It's just a phone call. I thought women like to be called and chit chat :(

When she asked to call you, rather than you call her, really makes me a bit suspicious. Is it possible that she's not really divorced after all? And, is it possible that she's just not really as interested in you, as you are in her, but just doesn't want to hurt you?

For whatever reason, this woman is "unavailable". I think it is time to give her enough space, that she thinks she's in Texas.

Don't feel badly about how it worked out. I think dating is a numbers game and you have to kiss 20 frogs to get your princess! Thanks for sharing with us and hang around. You sound like a nice fun person.

She is divorced and currently living with her parents.

I've given her many opportunities to express how she feels. All she has said is she doesn't want to say yes or no. One day we really got into it and I had told her to tell me something like f*** off because she obviously doesn't have feelings for me.

She said if she didn't this would have been over a long time ago.

Thanks for clarifying that tsm. Well, she is definitely being a bit vague and I can understand your confusion. Only you can decide how much longer you're willing to wait for her to make a decision. But, I for one, think it's abominable when someone says they are going to call and then they do not.

About her children, I still don't feel you have any right to express an opinion about them at this point.