How age gap relationships affect the family

Hello,

Sorry to keep bugging you guys. I came here two weeks ago or so, inquiring about a school project focusing on age gap relationships and received a very helpful, very prompt reply, so I'm back.

This time, I would like to know how those here feel relationships such as ow/ym might affect the family as whole (if at all).

I really appreciate any who take the time to respond. Thanks!

Originally posted by Nessa
well i think our family is just fine thank you.

I never said it wasn't.

Thank you, though, for the reply. :)

I don't see how an age gap relationship would affect any family that is loving and open minded.

It is more likely that the family will affect the age gap relationship!

No...

I didn't know what was meant by:

"well i think our family is just fine thank you."

I took that statement as meaning that you felt I had implied otherwise.

Also, just so you know, my best friend for nearly 10 years now is the product of such a relationship. He's the closest thing to a brother I've ever had, so I'm certainly not coming here with some sneaky ulterior motive.

... I am divorced and now living with my YM. I have two kids from two different marriages. Both of them absolutely, emphatically adore my YM. This "family" that we are building together is more of a family, as you know it, than my last pathetic fiasco was (X would work, come home and drink... spent absolutely no time with his kid or mine and was not what I would consider a 'member' of the family).

What Litical and I are building here together is so natural, easy, fun and full of love. Like any good relationship should be... and I would not have moved forward in a relationship with him (he pointed this out just the other day) if my kids didn't love him.

As for the rest of my family ~ you can read my Thanksgiving thread in chitchat. ;) They were all very accepting. My brother says "well, they do talk," but then goes on to say... "Whatever makes you happy, I'm all for..."

So, all in all, if it's a healthy relationship, it will be a healthy family life. :D That's what I'm experiencing!! He is soooo loving, giving and attentive to all of us, that I'm thrilled to have him in my life and as my partner.

~phosphorescent

in AG relationships is that quite often the children are grown or nearly grown.

In my case one is grown and two nearly so. The way I look at this and many may think this very selfish, however. In a very short number of years all of my children will be grown and out on their own.

I think it is OK to say that who we have a relationship with is our own business ( as long as they are not abusive or adictive).

My children do not get to dictate how I live my life, nor who I choose to share my life with. These are my descisions. When children believe they have the right to dictate this to a parent it can open the door to a lot of problems for all.

We do have to keep in mind who is the parent and respect those boundries.

Rabbit

I agree with you there, Rabbit. Only, my kids are both under 10 and given that... their happiness, to me, is paramount.

They are happier with Litical in our lives than without. He's been a family friend for some time, so the transition was easy to make. For some people with younger children like me, our willingness to move forward with a relationship WILL be effected by whether or not our children like our partner.

~phosphorescent

I'm out of a three year AG relationship recently, but I can tell you that my family had no issue whatsoever with it, including my daughter who was the same age as my b/f. Everyone was happy for me if I was happy. Everyone knew him and didn't have a problem.

He, on the other hand, never told his family because he assumed his family would have major issues with it. Keeping me invisible led in a large part to our demise as it became a sticky area for me. He was 26 and I was 53 when we ended it. In retrospect, I probably could have continued as such if he had made a strong commitment to me, but he never did.

My 2 youngest get along with my ym very well. They genuinely like him. But my oldest, 28, who has a family of his own, doesn't come around as much as he did before my relationship. In fact, he has only come over maybe 3 times in the past 2 years and he only lives 15 minutes away. I can also 'feel' his discomfort when he is around, even though he will give the appearance of being relaxed and humorous. But a mom knows. I just have to let him deal with whatever it is he is feeling. When the time comes, if ever it does, where he feels a need to talk about it, he knows where I am.

The rest of my family, parents, siblings, neices and nephews etc, have accepted my relationship for the most part. Especially those that are around us the most. I think there are a few who have mixed feelings about it. It's the way they behave whenever we are all together.

But I look at it like this too.... when I was married to my ex, he was terribly abusive, and the whole family knew it. Somehow that was considered normal ..... marriages, after all, have their troubles. And a few certain members even thought I was over-reacting when I filed for a divorce finally...... So, if that marriage was considered normal to them, why the hell should I care what they feel about the relationship I have now?

I don't know if I made any sense or not, sometimes I have trouble wording what it is I am trying to say.

What you said makes complete sense to me, although I hate to admit it does. It is within the norms of society for a person to be in an abusive relationship. People will say "why doesn't she leave" and leave it at that. But cross that line of what is considered normal and eyebrows begin to raise.

Another thought on the subject is that - and this just lets you all in to how jaded I am - people are more accepting of anothers unhappiness than they are to their happiness. For some reason I think seeing two people who are truly happy together can be disturbing. I think this because I tend to think that many - not all-
marriages are unhappy for one reason or another. Probably because people are really not willing to be true to themselves and do what they think they should do rather than what is in their heart to do.

For all of the happy couples I have seen on these boards, for all of the women and young men who have been willing to follow their hearts and take the risk.....how many out there walked away from an AG relationship because of what someone might think and instead settled for good enough or close enough but acceptable in societies eyes.

Rabbit

For me, the age gap relationship, did affect the immediate family. He was 20 and I was 34 when we started going together. At first, my then 11 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter, were cool with it. But after we married, problems started. First, my x-spouse, could not decided if he wanted to be a kid with them, or be a parent. He actually wanted to do both, but it would not work that way. He would try to be very authoritarian with them and they were teenagers 'clawing' for independence (normal rebellion).

Then my daughter (then 16) got a crush on him and this really screwed her up. We all had to get counseling. I then caught my husband kissing a woman at the convenience store where he worked. I was not lily white at the time either and was meeting my X-boyfriend for lunch. My husband knew this and did not like it.

I was such a know-it-all and wanted all the power in the relationship back then. I did not give him the respect that he craved. We separated (had a child 1 year after being married). And then finally got divorced a couple of years later. There is more but it doesn't pertain to this subject so I will just stop here.

I have a daugher of 23, a son of 18, and daugher of 11.

My daughter 23 lives in another state close to her biological father and is attending university and has lived on her own since the age of 18. Ms independent.

My son of 18 lived with me up until June of this year when we choose to move to my guy's home state. My son is going to university and living with my older daughter of 23. His decision had nothing to do with my relationship.

My son of 18 is a free spirit and he loves my guy. My son is "whatever makes you happy mom....and who gives a F**k what other people say or think....they aren't living your life for you" and he tells me "don't let society dictate how or what you feel in your heart"

My daughter met my guy for the first time in June. She came to pick my son up to return to university. We now live approximately 10 hours apart. My daugher met my guy for the first time then and we all went out to dinner as any normal family would.

My youngest daughter of 11, adores him and basically says he's her "step dad". She is quite mature for her age, and she has no problems with my relationship.

I have no family here in the US other than my father. All my family is in Japan. My mother passed away before my meeting my guy. My father is meeting my guy this Christmas for the first time. He accepts our relationship and never has said anything negative. The only reference to my relationship that he has ever made is, "Are you happy baby girl?" and he says, "Thats all that matters, what's in your heart and soul, not those around you, they don't live your life or take your children's best interest into consideration, only you can as a woman and mother"

My guy's mother and step father have been very accepting of me and my daughter. His mother is infact 3 years younger then me, but they treat me with love and kindness. His mother and I have developed a friendship which began over the internet and her and I now consider each other as best friends.

My guy's father on the other hand, is not accepting of our relationship and feels his son is ruining his life. He feels that his son should be out running the streets, meeting different women, and drinking and having a good time....lol They don't talk. My guy says until he accepts me, my daugther as a family and that he's happy, there's nothing to be said.

My guy is responsible, takes care of our homelife, works for a living, attends school, pays the bills and shares in all our family responsibilities.

Our family unit is of love, caring and understanding of each other. We communicate with each other about everything that we feel.

We may be the odd bunch.........but we're the happiest bunch!!

Love,
Sora

That's a heartwarming story!! Thanks for sharing it.

Indeed, there's some beautiful posts here. I want to thank everyone who responded. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to those whom I may have started off on the wrong foot with.

Good luck to you and yours, everyone.

I loved your story, Sora !
And, dipdipdip...I thought your original question was valid and worded just fine. Good luck on your paper/research:D
Karen

I'm sorry to those whom I may have started off on the wrong foot with.

Just responding to his posted concern directly; encouragement to him, not discouragment to anyone else...have a great evening!

What I have discovered with my experience is that people percieve things differently. Not everybody will respond in the same manner. My family said he is to young he is a child. I think they are entitaled to their opinion. Only I know how I feel and what makes me happy. I do know that how you present the relationship to them affects everything. If you are open and honest they may or may not like it but usually they accept it. If you hide it and sneak around and they find out they will probably put up a little more resistance to it. There is definate resistance on my guys side due to the fact that he is moms baby and he lied to her about what he was doing. I don't lie about anything so my family knew before it ever really got started. There is 13 years between us and I tell ya it can be a bumpy ride. I love him though so I am willing to do whatever it takes to make pease with his mom when he is ready for that to happen. This is just my experience and my opinion I can't speak for anyone else.:(

Well I worried a *LOT* about how my family would respond to Smi. In my case, it was not just the age gap, but his very young age, that I was most concerned about. I've always been kind of unconventional in my family and I didn't think that an age gap relationship where I was the older partner would raise any flags with my family in itself.

However, I was 35 and Smi was 18. I was terrified about what my kids, parents, and siblings would say/think. I have 4 kids ranging in age from 4 to 16 at the time. I raised the issue slowly with them over time attempting to "feel out" what their reaction might be. Eventually, I told them. They were incredibly accepting and supportive. Not to say that major teasing did not take place, but in my home, its good natured and a serious form of flattery that they feel so comfy with him.

I later found out that my parents and my entire family knew about Smi. (once kids know... the secret is out of the bag ;)) My whole family has been warm and accepting, with the exception of one weird second cousin and I hardly ever see her, but even she was extremely kind and polite to us to our faces.

I worried about being accepted by Smi's family too. However, he was open and honest with this family and friends much sooner than I was. I wrote his parents an e-mail. They were extremely wonderful to me in response.